"To appreciate the beauty of a snowflake, it is necessary to stand out in the cold"

Mother told me that on a white December morning as we were strolling through the community park near our house. It’s was one of the things I never understood the meaning of and never thought it would ever be adaptable in my life. Well, until now.

Hi. My name is Lee Hyukjae. And this is my story.

I can still recall the first time I saw him. It was in a little well known café down by the local community centre where he was working as a barista cashier. I had popped in for a cup of late afternoon coffee with several friends and team mates of mine, glad to have finally been let out of figure skating training for that day.

He had his back turned to us when we first stepped in and it wasn’t until my childhood buddy, Heechul, had reached the counter did he finally turn around to take our orders. He smiled brightly at us, giving suggestions on what coffee combination we should pick and offering us the latest tea time promotions the café was currently offering. He never stopped smiling. I know, because I watched him from the very back of the group, peeping at him from in between the bodies, mesmerised by the innocent beauty of the beaming grin and sighing in content at the way his brown hair bounced up and down as he jumped about, pointing at the many options the café had to offer.

I probably would have never managed to speak to him face to face that day if it weren’t for my best friend Kyuhyun suddenly forcing me to pay the bill because of some non-existent mistake I had made in training. I was tempted to argue, but I noticed the expressions he was sending me- that suggestive smirk and raised eyebrows along with an occasional wink- he had seen me staring at the employee and was doing me a friendly favour (as he so proudly told me on Twitter that night).

Heechul seemed to have caught the look, as he smirked as well then rushed the group to a secluded corner of the shop, thanking me for the free drinks as he went. I watched them leave, gobsmacked until the soft giggles from the boy behind the counter called me back to my senses. I turned to face him.

Call me stupid, but of all things I could have said to him, I spluttered out a lame pick up line I had learnt from a random Harry Potter page on Facebook. “I know we’re not in Professor Flitwick’s class, but you’re still charming.”

I mentally slapped myself afterwards.

“Urm, excuse me?”

“Sorry.” I quickly apologised, lowering my head to avoid whatever disgusted gaze the brunette might be giving me. I heard him chuckle as he clicked several buttons on the cashier while softly telling me the price of all the drinks. I didn’t dare to look up, but I’m glad I didn’t as my eyes had landed on his name tag and well, that’s how I learned his name. ‘Lee Donghae.’

From that day onwards, I visited that café ever so often. Donghae would be there each time and we would talk for quite a while if there wasn’t a long queue. We had an official introduction as well, happened after the kid realised he didn’t know my name when I called him by his. From there, I guess things just took off. Our small, joyful conversations, turned into long meaningful ones.

I found out a lot about him- that he was an undergraduate who had just moved up from Mokpo to study music composition in a neighbouring university and that he hoped to be a professional composer one day.  I told him a little about myself, how I was preparing to enter a national figure skating completion the following year and that the coach was thinking it was a good idea for the entire team to do midnight trainings as well. He pitied me, and gave me a slice of strawberry cake. Donghae knew I liked strawberries. He kind of figured out when I ordered about anything on the menu that had the word strawberry attached to its name.

We got along very well. I can proudly say that. Every evening, our pleasant conversations would linger in my mind as I walked back to the dorms with some coffee I had bought for the guys and occasionally an extra slice of cake or two. However, what stayed with me throughout the tiring night time trainings were not the jokes we cracked or the crazy bets we made. It was the emotions.

The emotions which erupted within me whenever I walked over to the café, words are unable to explain. All the anticipation and happiness that would emerge from the depths of my soul as I took each light step closer to my destination would always be overwhelming, the thumping of my heart as I stepped up to the counter where Donghae would look up to me with the smile sent from the heavens and wish me a good afternoon before taking my order.

It felt as if I was in a whole different world when I spoke to the boy, the way he laughed would cause my entire being to freeze in whatever it was doing to listen. I can’t say that Donghae had the best sounding laugh in the world- it sort of sounded like a mix between a dying whale and the chirping of birds heard in Spring- but still, every laugh has its own charm and Donghae’s was no different.

Then it would be time to leave and the sense of sorrow would overflow me. But what could I do? I had to leave, I was counting on the national championships to get me the qualifications to possibly gain a scholarship to Switzerland and the only way to reach my goal, was train. I remember how Donghae would happily wave me off, telling me he was looking forward to chatting with me the next day. That final smile he gave me would cause me to lose my breath and my mind would go blank as looked into those hazel brown orbs, mesmerized by the natural beauty while trying to get my legs to move towards the door.

Once out on the street, I would hold onto my chest and clench my eyes as I drew in a deep long breath. My heart hit rapidly against my ribcage, and my head would be filled with nothing but colours of an unfamiliar feeling. Never in my life had I felt that way about someone as strongly as I felt for Donghae. There was something different about the boy that made him so special to me. But being the idiot I am, I dismissed it as just mere attraction and nothing more.

I wish I hadn’t.

Heechul found out about my daily visits to the café and one evening, as we were about to leave the house – me for training and Heechul for a quick trip to the grocery store- he sat me down on the couch in the living room, screamed for Kyuhyun to join the gathering before beginning his interrogation.

“So, still after that boy at the café are you?” Heechul asked, a hint of humour in his voice. “How’s the progress? Do you think he likes you as well?”

I stared at him like he had gone nuts. I didn’t have a crush on anyone. “Wh-What?”

Heechul rolled his eyes and flicked his freshly painted nails before leaning forward with a teasing smirk plastered to his face. “You like that Donghae kid don’t you?”

He paused to watch my expression and when I stared back at him with my head titled and my eyebrows furrowed, Heechul exhaled and leaned back before continuing. “Don’t deny it Hyukjae. I’ve seen the way you smile whenever you tell us you’re going to get us some coffee from that particular café. It’s dead obvious you like him. Hell, with the way you go about, I can safely say that you might be in love.”

“I’m not in love.”

“You are Hyukjae!” My senior insisted. “Wait, do you even know what being in love feels like?” Heechul questioned as Kyuhyun finally walked out of our shared bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He stared at us, before grunting and plopping down on the couch. Yap, Kyuhyun was joining the conversation.

“Who’s in love?”

“Our very own Mr Lee Hyukjae,” Heechul announced dramatically, throwing his hands in the air. “only problem is, the bloody idiot here doesn’t know it. Judging by the look on his face, he has probably never been in love before.”

It took minutes worth of annoyed sighs, sarcastic words and blunt insults before I finally knew what falling in love was meant to feel like. The way Heechul and Kyuhyun described it, every little word they put into their rather direct explanation was somehow linked to the way I felt around Donghae.

“You find yourself wanting slightly more from them than you would from any other person. You’d just want them by your side.”

Kyuhyun had stated that before Heechul added on to his point.

“You find that everything about them seems perfect in its own charming ways. There’s always the need to see them. You can never stop thinking about them. It’s an obsession without a cure.”

Was that really how being in love felt like?
If so, was I really in love?

Was I in love with Lee Donghae?

That talk had me thinking as I left the dorm to head over to the sports complex on the other side of the campus. What did I feel for Donghae? Was he just a friend? A companion for me to talk to? Or was he something more than that? Was he a close friend? Someone I could lean on when I needed some warmth to heal my cold heart? Or did my feelings for him push past all those limits into what is deemed unacceptable by majority of the Korean society… Was he someone I would consider for a lover?

I didn’t know.

It took me three months of contemplating, endless nights of tossing and turning in bed, arguing with myself, questioning the rights and wrong, breaking and rebuilding walls of doubt and confusion before I finally came to a conclusion on a cold winter evening as I walked away from that fateful café after another cheery chat with a warm flask of coffee in my hand and an icing covered Christmas cookie in another.

I had fallen deeply in love with Donghae.
And I was the only idiot who failed to see it.

“So how are you going to ask Donghae out Hyukjae?” Heechul asked, looking up from his skates.  “By the way, have I just told you that you’ve just won the award for biggest idiot of the year.”

We were currently in the ice skating rink. Kyuhyun was in the midst of practicing his routine for the sold out Christmas showcase we were to put on the following week.  I had just told the both of them about my confirmed feelings for Donghae but fortunately, or maybe unfortunately for me, Kyuhyun had been called away by our extremely hardcore coach to be drilled into perfection, leaving me alone with Heechul.

Heechul had stayed silent for a good couple of minutes, fiddling with the laces on his ice skates before slipping on the protective cover onto the blade then began to hurl insults at how stupid I was to not have realized my feelings sooner. He had calmed down now, but only after coach had shouted at him from the middle of the rink from where she was guiding Kyuhyun, threatening to make him run around the entire campus ten times if he didn’t shut that pipe hole of his.

“I’m not sure.” I replied, sighing softly, my eyes following Kyuhyun as he flew across the ice in a series of spins and leaps. I really wanted to impress Donghae. Heechul knew that and later on, slammed a pair of tickets to our showcase onto my study desk, making me jump from where I sat on the bed with my laptop propped up in front of me on a pillow.

That crazy senior of mine had somehow managed to tackle coach for a pair of extra tickets to our packed Christmas showcase. What more, they were front row seats. The pressure for presenting top performances had just gone up once again.

The familiar jingling of the little bell attached to the top of the door greeted my ears as I entered the cosy café followed by the soft sounds of Christmas carols that were being played over the speakers in various corners of the shop. Donghae was standing at his usual place by the cashier, smiling sweetly at a little girl who was trying to purchase a cookie.

I paused to admire the sight. The way Donghae’s mouth turned up ever so slightly at the corner, the way he laughed softly as the little girl shyly asked for her snack then handed it over along with a lollipop from his collection of sweets he had hidden under the counter. The boy had a sweet tooth, something that we had in common.

Silently, I moved closer to the innocent scenario playing out before my very eyes as the brunette took the money from the little girl and proceeded to print the receipt and get the change, even tapping the girl playfully on the nose twice before watching her little figure walk away with a broad smile on his face.

Donghae would make a great parent in the future.

With the little girl now gone and the counter empty, I proceeded forward where Donghae greeted me with my daily cup of coffee which I took with thanks.

“It’s a lot warmer since it’s just been made. You usually don’t show up for another half an hour or so.”

I chuckled, uncapping the cup then blowing on the coffee as I slid some money across the wooden surface of the counter. “Training ended earlier than usual. Coach said something along the lines of being too tired from playing with his nephew yesterday.”

“I see.” Donghae nodded, hitting a number of buttons on the cash register before dropping the money in and handing me my receipt. There was a brief silence between us as Donghae bent down to dig through his sweet collection for some candy canes. When he emerged, he had already managed to tear the plastic wrapping apart and had popped the sweet into his mouth while holding another one out to me.

“Gosh Donghae, you’re just like a kid.” I laughed, taking the Christmas treat from him. “No wonder you get along so well with children.”

Donghae shrugged and grinned. “Funnily enough, I never really got along well with young children in the past. It was only after my boyfriend, Yunho, brought me to help out at an orphanage just outside Seoul during the long weekend breaks, I guess my opinion on children changed.”

It took a couple of seconds for his words to sink into my mind, and when it did, my heart just shattered completely.  I wanted to break down right there and then instead of having to put on a fake smile as Donghae rambled on about the many adventures he had been on with his boyfriend and the orphans.

Every time that word passed those lips, I would feel myself walls of strength crumbling. Everything that I had built up, all the courage that had been fluttering in my chest just a few minutes before disappeared in the blink of an eye. I was left hopeless and in pain. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. So I silently handed the tickets over to Donghae, telling him that it would be nice if he came to watch. He gave me a hug and wished me good luck before saying that he would arrange the schedule with his boyfriend then said our farewells, before I turned my back to him and walked slowly towards the door.

With every step came a new emotion- Regret, anger, disappointment, pain. It all welled up inside me as that word kept replaying itself in my mind in Donghae’s angelic voice.

That agonizing word;

Boyfriend.
My boyfriend.

I was too late.

I continued to visit the café for the next few days out of habit. But each time, my trips there were shorter, faster, till one day I just walked in, grabbed my coffee, paid and left without saying a word to Donghae who was wiping some tables in the middle of the shop. I know he saw me, I could feel his warm gaze on my back as I left the shop. I wanted to turn around, to send him a smile and a wave, to sit down with him to have a chat. However, the pain from being able to see him but knowing he would never actually be mine was too much for me to handle.

I was a wimp.

The day of the showcase emerged sooner than I wanted it to. The stadium began to fill up as people swarmed in, chattering loudly to their family and friends as they proceeded to take their respective seats. The edges of the ice had been highlighted in a soft blue light, allowing the ice itself to seem a distant shade of blue. It looked really pretty, but that wasn’t what I was focused on when I peeped out to take a look around.

My eyes fixed themselves on a certain brunette who was seated in the front row at the other of the rink, leaning against a sturdy looking handsome young man that I could only guess by the way they acted, was Yunho. Donghae’s boyfriend.

Donghae had his head rested upon the others shoulder and the two seemed to be in their own world as I watched their lips move as they conversed. Yunho had probably said something very nice about Donghae because his lips had twitched up into that childish grin I simply adored. The next thing I knew, their fingers were entwined and my forbidden love had pressed his lips against the other boys in a short, soft serenading kiss.

I wanted to move away, to leave from my spot behind the curtains, to rush back into the dressing room so that I could cry my eyes out, slam my fist against a wall and scream out all the emotions that were b up within me- The pain, the depression, the regret. But I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I was frozen to the ground, my eyes fixed on the couple in the stands.

I was hopeless.

“Hyukjae! Changmin just got on the ice. You’re up in three minutes!”
Forget him Hyukjae. Forget him now.

“Hyukjae! 1 minute till solo stage! Be prepared.”
Calm down and just let the movements take over.
 

“Lights black out now! Hyukjae, starting position!”
Ignore the pain, ignore the regrets. You need to skate.

I raised my left hand above my head, my right foot extending out behind me before the lights came on and my eyes flickered open. The ice spread before me calling out to me to dance upon it as the music struck up and my body began to move. I leapt, spun glided and twirled in the air praying hard that nothing would stop this motion, that nothing would cause me to lose my focus, that I wouldn’t catch sight of Donghae in another man’s arms.

The heavens must have hated me that day, for as I rounded the corner, preparing to spin myself across the ice, I turned to face Donghae. Our eyes locked before mine flickered to the hand gripping his waist then to how his head was titled and lying on someone’s shoulder which wasn’t mine and lastly, the way the lips I would never be able to claim turned up into a soft smile. All the emotions that I had pushed to the side before the performance came tumbling back out of the box in my heart they had been locked in.

Everything around me went blank. I had no control over my mind anymore but I knew that I had to find a way to overcome it. People had paid to watch us skate and if I messed up, it would just be a disaster. Seconds later, I found my body throwing itself out towards the open ice, using my emotions to spin and jump with more energy than I had ever done those moves with. Each powerful movement was caused by a vast string of emotion it was draining me slowly, but what could I do. I had to finish this. I couldn’t just back down.

I couldn’t run away from reality.

After the showcase had ended, I was dragged by a cheerful Kyuhyun to join in the team dinner at a barbeque restaurant down the road. Honestly, I didn’t want to go while I was still dwelling in my misery. But the coach was treating us so what could I do but join them for a meal. I didn’t want to be deemed as an impolite child whose parents had never taught him any manners.

I sat at the end of the table and ate quietly, only responding when someone made a remark that came my way. I think coach had been watching me for quite some time, for he got up and came over to sit beside me, asking me why I was so quiet that day. I lied to him. As much I didn’t want to, I lied to him that I was just tired and needed some sleep. There was no way I was going to tell him about my pathetic love problems.

Coach didn’t look like he bought my little lie, but he decided not to question it and told me that it was okay for me to leave and head back to the dorms to get some rest. I agreed, politely thanked him for the meal, bided farewell to the rest of the team, pulled on my coat and pushed the door open to greet the cold winter air brush against my exposed face.

I stood outside on the street for a while, trying to decide what to do next. Should I head back to the dorms to swim in the sea of misery, or should I stay out a little longer and let my feelings eat away my soul? I decided on the second option. It would be better to have things to look at. It would push away the feelings for a while. Give myself some room to breathe.

Taking a deep breath, I set off in a random direction, walking in and out of shops, trying to avoid the many couples who were roaming the streets. It wasn’t till I reached a memorable café did I finally stop my pointless journey to stop and peep in at the window. Donghae was standing behind the carefully decorated counter, just as he always was on a weekend evening. Though this time, I wasn’t the only one watching him go about his work.

I spotted the same guy that had been with Donghae earlier, seated at the closest table to the counter, where I would sometimes sit when Donghae was busy making coffee for another customer. But now, here I was, standing out in the cold and watching another guy watch the boy I had fallen in love with. That was one thing that Yunho guy and I had in common. We both loved Donghae. However, the sad difference that lay between us was that Donghae loved the other man. My chances of earning Donghae’s affection were next to nothing.

Sighing yet again, I forced myself to walk several steps forward, away from the café window only to find myself turning around from guilt and the urging feeling from my sub conscious, screaming at me to walk into the café at least once more before the process of forgetting Donghae should start. I agreed and let my feet carry me back to the café door and pushed it open to let myself into the café.

Just one last time.

“Hyukjae!” Donghae greeted me with a smile on his face and a little wave. “I thought you were off with the team? I saw you guys heading into the barbeque place just now. Oh! By the way, great show just now!”

I grinned in return. “Thanks Donghae, glad you enjoyed it.”

“So what can I get you this evening? The usual?”

“That would be nice.”

“Right. By the way, this is Yunho.” The boy said, motioning to where his boyfriend was sat. Yunho gave me a small nod as greeting. I did the same back. The atmosphere around us was tense. Donghae however, appeared to not have noticed anything as he rambled on. “He doesn’t really warm up to strangers well, but on his behalf, I’ll say that he enjoyed the performance a lot as well!”

“Nice to know.”

I never visited the café since then. I walked past it multiple times but ended up staring in at the window each time I passed. Donghae would always be somewhere about even if it wasn’t his shift. He had told me he enjoyed doing his assignments there, composing and writing lyrics and such. The customers didn’t seem to mind. Besides, Donghae had the singing voice of an angel and amazing musical ability so why would anyone want to shut him up?

Sometimes when I strolled past on my way to another café, he wouldn’t be anywhere in sight- Most likely attending his classes. Those rare moments usually occurred during the late morning when coach decided to give us a couple of hours for a break before starting the intense afternoon sessions. I would contemplate outside the shop door, about whether I should walk in for some coffee but the thought of the familiarity and memories that would rush back was enough to send me walking away even if my hand had been on the door handle just seconds before.

Heechul and Kyuhyun visited the café on my behalf. I think the only reason why they agreed to go was because I begged them to help me check on Donghae every now and again, speak with him, ask him how he was doing and make him laugh. They pitied me. That’s the highest possibility for their sudden burst of kindness. They didn’t go every day though, probably once or twice a week then they would report about the boy to me. These visits became more and more rare as our schedule became more packed with the national competitions coming up ahead.

I began to forget about my painful love life, began to forget it ever existed. I was nearly over the entire phase because there was just no time to dwell in the past. However this feeling was short lived as it all came back one evening when Heechul came running into the dorm.

I’ve known Heechul for over ten years, and there wasn’t a time when Heechul had ran into the house if his favourite band wasn’t having a comeback. As far as I knew, EXO hadn’t announced anything about a new album. Something was out of place. Maybe Heechul just felt like running that day.

“Hyukjae-ah! Yah Lee Hyukjae! Where the hell are you!”

I looked up from where I was watching some random Korean food program in the living room, a bowl of ramen on my lap as I slurped on the noodles. “Right here Chul. What’s the sudden rush? How’s Donghae?”

Heechul stared at me with enlarged eyes before he launched himself onto the couch so that he was seated beside me, clinging onto a cushion till his knuckles turned white. “Donghae…”

“Yeah? What about Donghae?” I asked, shoving another spoonful of noodles into my mouth though I regretted it soon after as Heechul told me, barely over a whisper.

“Dong-Donghae was admitted into the hospital last night, Hyukjae. The staff told me.”

The food in my mouth was never swallowed.

The taste of vomit radiated through my mouth as I felt myself heave over the toilet seat for the tenth time that night. Kyuhyun stood behind me, patting my back and hissing loudly whenever I let out another stream of fluid from my mouth. Heechul stood outside, talking softly over the phone to my worried coach who immediately cancelled training for the next two days.

My mind wasn’t able to focus on anything. The fact that I was currently puking my guts out went out the window as the worry for Donghae’s well being invaded every empty space available. Why had Donghae been emitted? Which hospital was he in? How was he doing? Was he in a very bad condition? Would he be able to recover? Would I ever be able to see him again?

This worry only caused me to throw up more into the toilet bowl and for my arms and legs to grow weaker until the point where Kyuhyun had to hold me up to ensure that I didn’t crash into anything and hurt myself while shouting to Heechul to call a doctor seeing how my face had began to turn pale. My head was spinning, my heart was pounding painfully against my ribcage, bile was travelling up my throat and I could taste it at the back of my tongue- sour, thick, warm- absolutely disgusting.

As much as I wanted to stop my line of vision from spinning, as much as I wanted the bile to stop erupting from within me, as much as I wanted all the pain and worry to fade away, I found it impossible for myself to push everything away. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but I never knew how strong that saying was until now.

In my state of mild consciousness, I realized that I had never really forgotten about Donghae.

I still loved that boy.
I needed to see him, no matter how physically exhausting it was at the moment.

“Heechul,” I managed to splutter out, feeling how the bile was beginning to sip into my mouth. “Find-Find out where Donghae is.” 

“But Hyukjae-”

“Heechul, I need to see him. Please.”

I can’t take it anymore.

My hand landed on the cool surface of the sliding door, my feet shuffling with insecurity as I contemplated my decision. Heechul had managed to find out which hospital Donghae had been admitted to and when the visiting hours were. So here I was, a fruit basket in one hand and my other hand on the door, thinking over the choice to enter the room or not. 

I sighed, letting my hand drop from its place on the door to land beside my body as I turned and leaned by back against the door. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to take the sight of an injured Donghae, to know that I hadn’t been there to protect him from whatever had happened.

Actually, what had happened to Donghae? I honestly didn’t know, I hadn’t been able to ask anyone during my state of panic and worry. Maybe I would find out today. Ask a nurse or something when they came in to check on Donghae’s condition. Or if Donghae was awake, maybe I could-

However, my thoughts were cut off as a loud scream of frustration emerged from inside the once quiet room. Alarmed, I slid the door open slightly, peeping in to see Donghae breathing heavily as he threw a pillow at the guy standing in front of him.

“Go away! Don’t you dare say you’re sorry!” Donghae shouted, his eyes turning watery with tears.

The other male replied him in a deep husky voice that I didn’t recognize.  “Donghae, I really didn’t mean to hit you, it was the alcohol Hae, it wasn’t actually me!”

“Don’t you dare ‘Hae’ me, Jung Yunho! I told you not to drink but would you listen to me? No!” Donghae cried out. I watched as tears began streaming down the boy’s pale cheeks. It pained me to see Donghae in such a state. He had always seemed so strong, independent and happy, as though there was nothing in the world that could upset him.

“I might consider forgiving you if this was the first or second time, but it isn’t Yunho! It’s been going on for months and each time you attack me, it’s just gotten worse! I don’t want to be a victim of your actions anymore Yunho.” Donghae’s voice had gone soft, and my eyes followed him as his gaze diverted to the floor. “Take your flowers and leave. We’re over.”

“But baby-”

“Shut up and leave! I don’t want to ever see you again! You understand me? Leave Yunho! Leave!” My eyes never left Donghae as he grabbed the bouquet of flowers sitting at the foot of his bed and tossed it onto the floor by Yunho’s feet.  I had to move away from the door quickly to sit on some of the plastic chairs which lined the walls as Yunho picked up the bouquet and marched towards the door, his face covered in shock and anger from having just been dumped.

I don’t think he saw me. I pray he didn’t, because when Yunho emerged from that room, I swear he looked close to the devil himself. As much as I wanted to walk up to the bloody bastard and give him a piece of my mind about what he did to Donghae, the way he walked and growled at everyone he came across was more than enough to hold me back.

As much as I wanted to run into Donghae’s ward straight away, I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea. It was better to let Donghae calm down a bit more before approaching him. That’s what I did. I paced around the hallway for about another ten minutes or so, planning out my conversation with Donghae in my head. When I felt that the time was right I finally walked over to the sliding door to the ward and with a deep breath, pulled it open.

Donghae was propped up against several big, fluffy pillows when I entered. By his side lay an oversize clownfish plush toy that I recognized as one that I had passed to Kyuhyun to pass to Donghae during the first month of my ‘road to forgetting.’ The boy had his eyes stuck on the small television the hospital provided as the opening scene of Finding Nemo played on the digital screen, a small smile decorating his lips as the clownfish named Marlin appeared.

I smiled too, a genuine one. It was nice to be able to see him in person once again. And to see Donghae smile, was just bonus. The boy was so engrossed in the show that he didn’t notice me creep up to him, my heart pounding with every step I took closer to the bed. It wasn’t until I had set the fruit basket on the bed side table and settled down on the bed next to him, did Donghae finally acknowledge my presence.

He looked as though he didn’t recognize me at first.  He stared at me, eyebrows furrowed and head titled before the widest smile spread across his face and he flung his arms over my form, his grip tightening around my neck as he practically squealed into my ear. “Oh my god! Hyukjae!”  

“Hi Donghae.” I replied softly, wrapping my arms awkwardly around Donghae’s tender form.  I didn’t know where he was injured and the last thing I wanted to do at the moment was cause him more pain than the pain he was already experiencing. We broke the hug slowly, and I brought my hand up to pat Donghae’s fluffy locks of hair because I knew it annoyed him.

“Yah… You know I don’t like it when people do that.” Donghae whined, pushing my hand away softly then grabbing the remote to pause the movie.

“I only do this to annoy you Hae,” I laughed before stopping as I realized that I had just addressed Donghae by a pet name. Donghae didn’t seem to mind the nickname as he pouted and replied.

“You’re mean Hyukkie.”

I felt my heart skip a beat at the pet name and the way it rolled off Donghae’s tongue so sweetly. All the feelings were returning to me, seeping out slowly. The forgotten love was blossoming again.

I liked it.

I visited Donghae everyday from that day onwards, even after he was released from the hospital and began work at the café once again. It wasn’t like I had plenty of time between my training at the gym and the ice skating rink, it ended up with me running away from fitness sessions, allowing my fitness instructor to push me even harder the next round. But I didn’t mind. Each and every time I ran off to spend time with Donghae was worth it.

New things always happened during those short sessions- Sometimes, I comforted him as he told me what had happened between him and Yunho and what had caused him to be emitted, laughed with him as we cracked lame jokes and played stupid games on his iPad, demonstrated various different moves that I had learnt for the national championships soon to be held in a month’s time.  It was fun.

Everything felt like déjà vu, all the events that had taken place a year before seemed to have been put on replay. Donghae was his cheery self, I was happy once again and the feelings that I held for Donghae were blossoming genuinely once again. I had fallen in love with Donghae for a second time, though now, I knew that there was no barrier stopping me from maybe, just maybe making him officially mine. There was a streak of hope for me. Yunho wasn’t in the way and Donghae wasn’t seeing any other guy. Life was finally going the way I wanted. Finally, I could stop standing out in the cold to watch the beauty of the snowflake by the name of Donghae.

It took a while, but I pulled myself together in the end and found a way to confess to Donghae in the most impressive way possible- The National Championships. What better way to confess than presenting an entire dance on ice to win the heart of someone. I thought it was a pretty good idea, so I asked my coach for a single ticket for that day. He refused, saying that he didn’t have any extras on him at all. It wasn’t until I got down on my knees in front of my coach and begged him till he gave in and rang up the assistant coach who brought the ticket over instantly.

A couple hours later, I was handing the ticket over to Donghae, who jumped up and down in glee at the thought of being able to watch me skate once again. He even gave me a soft kiss on the cheek for good luck, causing me to blush madly and for my mind to go soaring into the clouds.

I suspect that kiss held some kind of superpowers or something along those lines. For the last few practices before the competition date, my performance improved even more. My jumps were more precise than they ever were, my turns were sharper, my leaps were higher and my limbs were stretched even more into the most accurate positions. My coach and team mates would stare from the stands as they watched me fly over the ice along to the music. I was more than prepared for the performance. It was the special events afterwards that I was more nervous about.

On a pleasant Saturday, at about nine-thirty in the evening, I was presented with a gold medal and a spot for me to join the national team and possibly represent the country at the next Winter Olympics. At nine-thirty five, once the pictures for commemoration had been taken and speeches had been said, I stepped down from the platform and onto the ice, threw the bouquet of flowers I had been given to Heechul then skated around the stadium, my eyes scanning the crowd for the one brunette that I wanted to see.

I found him soon enough, unfortunately, he didn’t have a front row seat this time, but that didn’t stop me from jumping over the side barriers and running up the steps, being careful not to step on anyone’s feet with the metal blades of the skates.  The smile that Donghae presented me was one of the brightest I had ever seen from a person. It could have possibly been counted as the most beautiful one as well.

“Congratula-” Donghae started, but he never got a chance to finish as I rapidly pulled him closer for a hug. When we let go, I couldn’t help but smile as I took a step back and let out a long breath before asking the question that I had been waiting for an entire year to ask.

“Donghae, if I were to ask you to be my boyfriend right here, right now. What would you say?”

Donghae seemed to have frozen as he stared at me with wide eyes and a hand covering his mouth. I thought he looked hesitant for a moment before the brunette’s eyes began to crinkle as the hand was removed and a lovely smile fell upon those lovely lips. “Hyukjae, are you for real? Of course I’d say yes!”

Happiness soared through me, just pure pleasure knowing the fact that I wouldn’t be rejected as I asked my next fateful question. “So Lee Donghae, will you be my boyfriend?”

“A million times, yes.”

So the ending was , I flipping rushed it since there is no qurantee I'd be able to find anymore time to work on this before Christmas. I'm sorry if this story was a huge dissapointment. This thing just came straight out from a writers block and onto microsoft word before being transfered to Asianfanfics without being proof read. URGH. 

Anyways, fluffy ending! (Thanks to the many times I listened to Still You (and screamed at Donghae's beauty (and Hyukjae's too (and that girl he stared at ( cause SM just had to put a girl in the lovely gay mv. (holy how many brackets have I put (time to close the brackets!)))))))

Not much to say about this fic, very dissapointed in myself already so please don't add fuel to the fire. My tenses got mixed up, my words became to repeatative... bloody hell....

Oh well...
On a brighter note...

MERRY CHIRTSMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Don't forget to save money! 2014 is the year of Super Junior (so much being planned by SM! - SJM, Kyu solo, SJ 7JIB, Eunhae tour) and you'll definetely need money!

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