"Luhan,its a positive" said Ganghee.

"Whats  positive my dear?" the innocent looking man asked.

"The tests" she answered.

Luhan's face were soon filled up with his smile from one ear to another.

"Does that mean?" he asked and walks closer to her.

She nodded "Im going..." before she can finish Luhan wrapped his arm around her body and spins her around.

"You're going to be pregnant" he said to her. 

She smiled. "Yes" and hold onto him tightly. 

No Luhan,no. Im going to die ,she thought to herself but she kept the word inside her.

He let go of her and he heard her choking between sobs. "Baby,are you alright?" he asked.

"Im just happy" she answered and he pulled her into his arms again. 

"We're going to have a family" he said,she coudln't see his face but she knows that he was smiling.

"A family" she said. A family without me in it .

"Thankyou, thankyou for giving me this baby" he nuzzles her neck.

"All for you" she smiled. 

"Can i sleep?" she head toward her bedroom.

"Sure,its been a long day" he smiled and kissed her in the forehead.

She took a step,two step,three step. Every step further away from him and then she stopped. "Luhan" she said.

"Yeah?" she could still feel his happiness coming from his voice.

Maybe its better if he doesn't know.  "Nothing" she waved it off and went inside your bedroom.

"Good night baby" he said. "Good night Luhan".

She took your diary and a pen and wrote on it.

"Dear Diary,

I said i got a positive on the test.......

I told him, i told him , i finally told him. 

I told him that he was going to have a child. His face glowed up like an angel,

and thats the reason why i didnt told him that i was positive that i would suffer Postpartum depression after birth and immediate death "

 

---

The next morning,The First Month. Luhan made something special for breakfast.

 

"Your favorite" he smiled. "My favorite" she smiled.

 

"Our baby might like it too" he giggled.

 

"Im sure our baby will" she smiled.

 

He leaned closer to her and grab the spoon. "I wonder if our baby will have the same appetite as you" he studied your face.

 

"Maybe" she shrugged and opened ,asking him to feed her.

 

"I wonder if our baby will have that beautiful eyes of yours" he asked, feeding her slowly.

 

"I dont know,stop asking so much question" she laughed.

 

"I wonder if our baby will have the same soft hand as yours" he reached her hands and caress them. "Our baby will be so lucky to be hold by your soft hands" he continued.  If i get the chance to hold him..

 

"I wonder if our baby will have that strong and fast legs of yours" she finally spoke. "When you play football" she explained and he laughed. "You're a fast runner too baby. Our baby will be a fast runner i guess" he giggled.

 

Run,run,run, i wish i can run from this hurtful reality.

 

"I wonder if our baby will have a beautiful voice like yours" he smiled. "Im sure our baby will be happy when you sing a lullaby" he continued. 

He wouldn't be able to hear my voice,Luhan. You have to sing for our baby.

 

"I wonder...i wonder...i wonder..." he goes on. 

 

"Dear Diary,

Today we talked about how our baby will look like, how our baby will behave.

I want to stay,stay on this earth with Luhan. To see my baby grow,to see if our baby will have a big or small eyes. Straight or curly hair. etc.

Me and Luhan argue about those simple thing all day and it was so fun. It will be so fun to see who guessed it right.

Dear baby, my child that i wont be able to see.

Do you want to know what are mommy's guesses you would be?

A kind person with a big heart. A heart to help people. You will grow amazingly. With or without your mother. I imagine you will give other people power and i imagine you will be there when your dad needs your help. However you turn out to be, mommy loves you. Be the good kid you are meant to be.

During our argument, mommy made a lullaby for you. I wont be able to sing this for you but i hope this is enough.

" Sleep baby sleep, during the soundless night dont be scared,know that mommy is whispering love to you.

Just because you cant see me,doesn't mean that im not real. 

When you feel sad,dont feel alone. I am your mother watching in heaven,you are never alone.

God will sent you those angels He promised me. 

He promised me he will take care of you, He will take care of your daddy.

Dont be scared,dont give up. You have an invincible mother who loves you"

 

---

 

Month Two.

 

 

Ganghee and Luhan went to the hospital to check out the baby. 

 

"Please sit"  said the doctor.

 

She and Luhan sat while holding each other hands.

 

"Im happy to announce that your baby is fine and its progressing the way it should" the doctor smiled.

 

"However" he continued....and Luhan's face dropped. "However?" Luhan asked.

 

She glare at the the doctor, she didnt mean to be rude but she didnt want Luhan to know. The doctor smiled and nodded.

 

"However...we still dont know if its a boy or a girl" the doctor covered up the mistake.

 

"Oh, gave me a little heart attack there doctor" said Luhan as he sigh in relief.

 

"May i speak to your wife alone?" the doctor asked.

 

"Why cant you just say it? Im her husband" Luhan seem a bit annoyed.

 

"Please Luhan" she pleaded. With that he left the room.

 

"Ganghee.." the doctor stares at you.

 

"Dont tell him" she said.

 

"As you wish" the doctor nodded. "However...i think you might want to know this" the doctor smiled.

 

She focused on the doctor. "What is it?" she asked.

 

"It seems like you have a chance of living" 

 

 

"Dear Diary,

The doctor said i have a chance of living. I can see my child. I can see our baby with Luhan. I can....

Right?"

 

---

 

Month three.

 

"Baby, i know that this is probably too fast to think about it,but i think we should start thinking about the school and stuff" Luhan said.

 

"Its not too fast, okay lets do this then" she smiled.

 

Luhan took a few books out and puts it on a table. "What about this school baby?" He asked while pointing a school with a big building called "Kirin High".

 

"Im actually fine with any school you pick baby" she smiled, she could feel the disease and the exhaustion caused by the baby kicked in.

 

"You sure?" He asked and she nodded. 

 

"Are you tired? You look a bit pale" he asked and he moved closer.

 

"Im okay" she smiled and moved closer to him. 

 

He wrapped his arms around her and whisper. "You're doing really great my love".

 

"Luhan, will you have time to take care of the baby and work too?" she asked and Luhan's face turned into a confused expression because of the sudden question. 

 

"What are you saying?" he asked. "You'll be here too,right? I mean you'll take care of the baby. I mean i will of course take care of the baby too but well you're the one mostly at home so you're gonna be taking care of the baby when im at work" he smiled.

 

"What if im not here?" she asked.

 

"What do you mean?" 

 

"What if i cant be here?"

 

"You have to be here"

 

"I said what if i cant"

 

"You're pregnancy is making you talk non-sense"  and he left.

 

Im serious Luhan. Im serious.

 

"Dear diary. Is my pregnancy really messing with my mind? I mean...what if i really am going to survive? Then all the things i worry about is just a waste of time. But the question is.....Will i survive?

I need to teach Luhan how to cook properly.

I need to teach Luhan to change the diaper.

I need to teach him all the motherly things.

But if i suddenly burden him with all those stuff,he will know that theres something wrong "

 

You close your diary and just stays silent in that moment. What if i he replace me? What if he couldn't handle being alone and he finds another....mother.

 

---

Month four.

 

"Someone is getting big" Luhan laughed and she smacked his head.

 

"Shut up" she mumbled.

 

"But you still look beautiful" He kissed her forehead.

 

"Should we buy you some new clothes baby?" he asked.

 

"Maybe we should" you smiled and he took her hands and went inside his car.

 

On the car, Luhan played your favorite song. 

 

"You love this song right?" he asked with a proud expression on his face.

 

"Yeah" she smiled.

 

"I dont get why you love this song so much. Its kinda sad" he shook his head.

 

"Maybe it relates?" she asked.

 

"How could this song relates to you?" he laughed and he parked the car.

 

"Lets go" he opened the door for her and she walked with him to the mall.

 

Ganghee and him went to the food court first. "Stay here" he smiled as he points at one of the table.

 

She sat there and as she wait, she see a lot of couple with their new born child. Why cant i experience that too?

 

"Here's your food" Luhan puts the food on the table and caught her staring at the other couples. "We're gonna be like them too soon" he smiled.

 

"I hope" she smiled and he stares at her.

 

"You've been getting really negative these days baby, whats wrong?" he asked. 

 

"Oh nothing, i think im just too tired" she pretended that she was fine and she stare at the food. "Im supposed to eat the...." before she can finish her sentence,Luhan interuppted "Just once in a while, I love the baby. But i love you too. I want you to be happy too while you're pregnant" he smiled.

 

She stare at him speechless and he caught her doing that. "Look my wife. I love the baby..so much. But i love you too. Do you know that these days i've been getting this strange feeling that im going to lose you. And every time i look at you, theres something inside me that pushes me to make you happy especially during your pregnancy time" he shrugged. 

 

"You're doing a good job at making me happy" she smiled and he blushed a little. 
 

"Thankyou" he said and he shyly tries to feed her the food. Everyone else was staring at them guys for being too romantic at public. 

 

I dont care what you guys think, im going to enjoy every moment i have left with him. She thought as you stare at them back. 

 

Luhan grabbed her hand and went to the 'pregnant woman' shop. 

 

"What do you think of this one?" she asked as she held a white dress.

 

"You should get that one" he laughed as he pointed at a bikini. 

 

"Why dont you wear that bikini yourself?" she rolled your eyes and he hugged her from behind. "Whatever you're wearing,you're going to look beautiful in my eyes" he said. 

 

"Im going to get this one" she smiled as she take the white dress to the cashier.

 

"Dear Diary,

Its nice, really nice to know that Luhan loves me a lot. That he loves the baby but he also cares about me a lot. 

I dont have much time left...and its getting harder to let go of him. I just realized how much i love him...

What if i cant let him go? What if i love him more than i love the baby? 

 

Poor Luhan he didnt know what i meant when i said that my favorite song relates to me. 

When im gone,you might probably understand how some part might relate to me ; 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0C8emw8jrA

 

Looking back at the beginning of this

And how life was

Just you and me and love and all of our friends

Living life like an ocean

 

But now the current's only pulling me down

It's getting harder to breathe

It won't be too long and I'll be going under

Can you save me from this?

 

'Cause it's not my time, I'm not going

There's a fear in me and it's not showing

This could be the end of me

And everything I know, ooh, but I won't go

 

I look ahead to all the plans that we made

And the dreams that we had

I'm in a world that tries to take them away

Oh, but I'm taking them back

 

It's not my time, I'm not going

There's a fear in me, it's not showing

This could be the end of me

And everything I know 
 

 

Too bad its not my choice if i go or not.

 

---

 

Month five. The Month i blame you.

 

Woke up and feel like her world is falling down. "This hurt too much" she groaned.

"Stop hurting me" she shouted, she said that to the un-borned baby. 

"You shouldn't have come at the first place" 

She ran to the kitchen and unknowingly grabbed a knife.

"You're a burden, a burden" she started freaking out.

She pointed the knife at her big tummy. 

"A burden, you're taking my food, my energy, and my life" 

She dropped the knife and slowly lose herself. "W-what am i doing?" 

 

"Dear Diary, i lost my mind today. Maybe that baby is trying to take over my mind too. 

I wonder if i should just tell Luhan what im going thru'. 

Maybe Luhan will tell me to stay alive, to be with him.

I know that im not supposed to be selfish,that baby is a part of me..

But the part of me who is taking away my life

My love

My Luhan

I thought the baby was a blessing,im starting to think its a curse "

 

---

 

Month six.

 

She grew careless of the baby,eating stuff she wants, doing stuff that is too dangerous for the baby. She just doesn't care about the baby anymore,she cares about her own life now.

She was planning on telling Luhan about her plan of cancelling the baby. 

Because if she cancels one life, she would be able to keep her own life.

"Luhan....i.." before she got to finished her sentence, Luhan's face dropped pale and he pointed at your legs

bleeding.

"I...." and her world turns black.

 

She was in a beautiful place, full of flowers and butterflies. As if the flowers were talking to her, she heard "mommy"

she turned around and see nobody. "Who's there?" she asked. "Dont kill me" the sound came again.

"Dont kill me , let me live " the sound plead. "I know i caused you so much suffering,but i really wanna taste the world"

she turns into every direction. "mommy, these past few months,you've taken care of me so good, God says your tummy is the strongest and safest place in earth, im so happy to be in your tummy mommy"

"Baby,where are you?" she started shouting. 

"Im here mommy" suddenly a figure of a little kid appear, still unknown if its a boy or a girl.

She ran to the kid and hugged the kid. "Mommy, i wont blame you if you want to cancel my life, i've cost so many burden for you"

"No baby no" she shook her head. "You're so beautiful,beautiful, i cant believe i've almost killed you"

"You're going to be alive, you're going to taste the world, you're going to meet Luhan"

"Who's Luhan mommy?"

"Your father"

 

And then she woke up and saw Luhan beside her. "Are you alright baby?" Luhan asked and she nodded. 

"Im happy. Im happy" she smiled. "Our baby is beautiful".

 

"Dear Diary,

I cant believe how foolish i have been,i've been trying to kill someone i love so much,my own baby.

I saw my baby today, i dont know if the baby is a girl or a boy,but the baby was beautiful. Really beautiful.

I've met my baby, i've met the love of my life. And when my life is going to be given to someone else, im going to meet my creator 

Im ready to go"

 

---

Month seven.

 

Luhan lay his head on her lap.

"Just a few more month baby" he smiled.

"Are you ready?" you asked.

"Ready? For what? The baby? The family?" he asked. "OF COURSE IM READY" he said excitedly.

"Ready for everything. The baby,the family,the crying in the middle of the night, the potty training,everything" 

Ready to lose me, ready to be a single father, ready to replace me.....

 

But im not ready to be replaced. 

 

 

---

 

Month eight.  The false hope, the truth from the beginning.

 

"Doctor, do you think i have a big chance of surviving?" she asked after being checked again.

"Your chance have actually decreased. Truthfully speaking, i think you're going to die right after giving birth"

"Im not gonna get a few hours? days ? month ? " she asked.

"Im afraid not, we're so sorry Ganghee".

"Its okay,im ready to go" she smiled.

 

"Dear Diary, well looks like this will be the last time im writing to you. 

I can feel my body getting weaker, thankyou for listening to me diary. 

I cant tell Luhan, so please tell him about me when im gone"

 

---

 

The day.

 

Everything moved too fast for her,too fast. Luhan's panic face, the pain in her tummy. The nurses around her. The shouting, the door opening,the lights.

The time when Luhan was forced to wait outside is probably the worst time in her life.

"Luhan" she tried to call him but Luhan smiled. "I'll be here" he said.

 

"Push, just a little more" she heard the nurse say

She pushed.

"A little more"

She pushed.

"One last push"

She pushed, and heard the crying sound. 

Is this the end? She smiled at the baby but then her world goes blank.

 

---

 

Farewell.

She woke up and saw a guy who looks like Luhan beside her. "Luhan?" she laughed. "There's an angel that looks like Luhan" she laughed again.

"What are you saying baby?" Luhan took her hand and kiss it. 

"Am i still alive?" she was startled.

"Of course you are stupid, our baby is beautiful. A baby girl" he smiled and passed the baby to her.

"Beautiful..beautiful" she said to the baby and passed the baby back to Luhan.

"Luhan. If you dont know what to do,if you think you're forgetting me, if you're losing me, read my diary" she said.

"What are you saying?" he asked.

"I love you Luhan, please take care of our baby. My diary is under our bed" she smiled and suddenly a loud noise came from the machine beside her.

"Beep beeep beep" and a bunch of nurse was around her,pushing Luhan to wait outside.

She couldn't hear anything but she could see Luhan trying to push inside, to be with her.

Im sorry Luhan,there are some things you just cant change. Some things that you must sacrifice. I love you. 

and she is on her way to meet her creator.

 

 

---

 

Luhan P.O.V.

 

"WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE?" Luhan groaned.

"Im sorry sir" the doctor said. 

Luhan pushed the door open and saw his wife with her eyes closed, dead.

"NO" His jaw dropped and he cried uncontrolable. 

"No no no no, this cant be happening" he squeezed his wife's hand.

"Dont leave me, our baby need you, we need you. I NEED YOU" he pump his wife's chest,as if it was going to make her alive again.

But she didn't open her eyes.

 

 

Luhan ran back home to get her diary and flipped one page to another.

"Why didn't you tell me this? Why are you suffering alone?" he knocked his head to the wall.

He laughed. A painful laugh. "You really do stick by your name eh Ganghee"

"Ganghee....the strong one".