i'd like to think that things fell apart because God meant for it to be that way, but i knew better. after exo debuted, we stopped receiving that much attention from the company. but that was nothing compared to f(x)'s treatment. even then, it was hard to keep up. shinee world and everything else we held close to us was seemingly ripped away in a mere matter of seconds. 

i'd like to think that people come and go, and no relationship is ever set in stone, but i know that things were never the same for us. at the peak of my career, i was the flaming charisma choi minho. she was beyond my peak and still on the rise, black pearl kwon yuri. not many people approved of our non conventional love-- many were still stuck on the idea that the guy should be older and of a higher position but we were never one for traditions. i think i love her more than i'll ever admit, and it pains me that even in the end, i am unable to secure what's meant the most to me-- her. 

i still remember the day we were called into the office, yelled at by Lee Soo Man. it was painful realising someone rattled out on us to him. without solid evidence he would never accuse us, even if the fancams were abundant. i remember his words all too clearly, "don't expect to see each other around much after this. i don't want an explanation but i demand a separation." i don't know if yuri has ever gotten over his words but i know that i haven't. 

we were scheduled to dance together-- for the last time i supposed. a racy dance specially requested by Lee Soo Man sshi, and i finally realise the cruelty of it all. he wanted a dramatic ending, a final closure. yuri cried a lot during the times we practiced for the dance, not that i saw, but i could tell from her eyes anyway. her eyes were lackluster and it pained me to know that i was part of the reason why the flame in her died out. i wanted nothing more than for her to be all right again, but i've never been good with words.

on the night of the performance, she spoke to me calmly and i found myself agreeing with her words. "let's do this once and for all". she says it with a certain finality that makes me somewhat fearful. i had expected her to fight, fight for our relationship. she's always been a stubborn girl, but it dawns on me that i haven't been fighting for us either. "yuri, i'm sorry" i whisper and i see a crack in her composure. she shakes her head, "i just thought i was someone worth fighting for," she chuckles. it's absurd because the both of us know that no matter how hard we fight, we're waging a war that can't be won. 

when we danced, i couldn't even look her in the eye. (i could feel her smug glances but it was all a part of the show. i feel her breath against my skin and i know that she's truly broken.)

ultimately, i don't think i've ever stopped loving her. even after seeing her happy again-- smiling at Jong Suk ssi during their promotions. i wonder how many tears she has shed in the dorm. i, for one, spent many sleepless nights crying. i'm not ashamed to admit it. i love her so much. 

Lee Soo Man's punishment was swift, albeit very painful. immediately, our promotions came to a halt and funds for our projects were channeled to other groups. it broke yuri's heart, i could tell-- to see the five of us suffering. i don't know if the other members blame me, but i remember all of us crying and jonghyun saying "it's okay, no one's leaving". 

jonghyun cried a lot when he found the cuts on onew's arms. taemin and i have always had each other, and jonghyun-- key. but onew was all by himself and neither one of us noticed that he was falling into an abyss of darkness all by himself. i don't remember the last time onew looked like that but his eyes were glassy and his wrists were bleeding. jonghyun wouldn't stop crying. 

yuri and i have been treating the whole matter with so much nonchalance, it makes me wonder if our whole relationship was a dream. but every time i close my eyes, i still see her--us. every time i walk by her in the hallway, it takes every fibre in me to stop from reaching out and taking her hand. i want to tell her that we can run away. i want to tell her that i still love her. but i can't. (still, i hope she knows)

she's everywhere all at once, i see her on tv and at concerts, jetting from places to places, arenas to stadiums, but i truly see her on my couch, lying down by my side. i see her in our kitchen making kimchi soup. i see her snuggling up to me in my bed. i see her everywhere we've been to together before-- i feel her in my heart. 

onew's been getting better, although sometimes we still hear him crying in the middle of the night. jonghyun's really broken but key's keeping him alive and it's all that really matters right now. i think we're all still trying to piece ourselves together. 

jonghyun comes up to me with a bottle of beer one night, after the rest have fallen fast asleep. "sometimes i wonder if i signed up to be a singer," he smiles sadly as he gulps his beer, "or if i gave up on everything by signing up. they rob you of everything-- wealth is nothing. remember sekyung? it wasn't the fans, it was the company." i nodded silently as he gave an indignant laugh. "you and yuri deserve to be happy, you know. given another time and context, i can see you guys raising a family and growing old together. but fame..." he trails off slightly. "fame's a cruel thing."

i fell asleep that night, slightly tipsy after downing one too many cans of beer, but clearly remembering jonghyun's words.

"they rob you of everything" 

i dreamt of kids with my eyes and her skin, running around our yard. she's pregnant with our third child and i'm laughing as Dae-in, runs towards me. but everything falls apart suddenly, and they're all ripped away by an unknown force. i wake up gasping and thrashing. (my son, Dae-in)

i love her, more than i'll ever admit, but it's clear to me now that we've already been robbed of everything. (robbed of our chances, our future-- our love.)

tomorrow, we're having our comeback stage. a chance to start again. onew has stopped bleeding and jonghyun has stopped drowning himself in alcohol. but i think that a million comeback stages will never make up for what we've lost. i think it's just another one of Lee Soo Man's dramatics-- to show us who's boss. he can start things, but also end them, all in a matter of seconds. yet fame doesn't matter anymore. 

jonghyun's words echo in my mind all the time. "they rob you of everything". you might think i'm crazy but i'm willing to give up on everything just to have yuri back. that way, they'll have nothing left to rob me of anymore. 

kwon yuri's worth all that, and so much more.