Breaking apart was never a good thing but time heals the wounds as many people say and exactly these were always the comforting words that they had for me but so far I still don’t believe anything they said. All wounds are still in their places, my heart torn, my mind lost and only noticeable for myself. My heart is still aching whenever you come across my way, whenever you talk to me and glance at me as if I’d not notice how surreptitiously you are looking at me.

Every time I look into your eyes, which still gaze the same at me like years before, I see you’re not over it either. I know exactly we just can’t be over. 

“We’re destined to be.”

It has become dead between us. Some little conversations here and there, occasionally questions which only led to quick and brief answers. This silence took me a lot to realize. Realize how much I miss you, realize how much I miss everything I did with you and this is most probably the reason why my wounds still won’t heal.

That we two decided to finish our relationship was the worst decision we could ever make and I know I am not alone with this feelings or am I just behaving so melancholic and pathetic that I try to force myself to believe that you also still feel the same? Is it too late to start all over, rebuild the trust brick by brick and the friendship that we shared for years and that’s just been shattered into pieces in less than a few seconds, with beating around the bush and trying to get over the break-up quickly? Can’t we put trust and friendship back together like the puzzle that it has become or are there pieces unfortunately lost in pride, sorrow and grudge? With hope I am clutching onto the memories which are the only thing that are left of you, fearing that my hope won’t last long and I’ll never get times of contentment and happiness back.

“Please, I want you back.”

Mistakes have been made, wrong choices done and I know we have our flaws but nobody is perfect and neither am I. I was done with you and I should’ve been fighting for you. I should’ve forgiven you and you should forgive me, for not believing you any of your words, for not letting you talk and for cutting you always off, also for ending all of what was defining the “us”. After our own little world splattered into broken fragments, loneliness was embracing me quick as fire but cold as ice, leaving me in an empty vastness of nothing.

“Please, weren’t we just made for each other?”

I wanted to be the only one for you and I knew you were the only one for me. But what kept us from finally entwine our lives together until the end of our existence? When did you pull your touch away from mine and what left my lips without yours? When did love get actually so complicated? 

“Gikwang, please don’t leave me in this hole of emptiness.”

You were my shield when things got bad, my protection if anything got worse and the only one I’d run to whenever my world was grey and dull. I believed this won’t ever end but I was a fool, blinded by love and mind dazed because of happiness. I was lucky. Now I’m nothing without you.

“Please…I-I can’t take this anymore.”

We were happy. Even with all those tearing fights and nights without closing my eyes, staying awake until you came back. At least my tears would dry eventually but now it just won’t stop.

“…I can’t forget you”

Yoseob mumbled and whispered in high concentration before stopping in the middle of a sentence, deep in thought but soon realizing what exactly he was writing. He scowled and groaned, scrunching up the paper and throwing it over his shoulder but missing the bin. 

He ruffled his hair in annoyance at himself, sighing and stood up, shuffling through the dorm as he realized that he was alone. He didn’t mind, he felt always alone anyways so it didn’t made any difference at all anymore. 

His mind was wandering as he heard some rustling noise, turning his attention to the door, seeing a soaked Gikwang rushing into the dorm, closing the door immediately and stepping out of his shoes. Water was dripping over his body, along his face and his hair was messy and wet. Just now Yoseob realized the rain hammering against the windows and balcony. The weather was pretty bad and the sky was drab. It seemed like it would get worse any second and a storm would appear. 

“Didn’t you have any umbrella?” Yoseob asked, eying a tripping Gikwang who took off his shirt as he walked into the bathroom to get himself a towel. “Ani. The weather was just good this morning.” He wiped himself and sneezed, walking past Yoseob without looking at him and went into the living room plopping down on the couch. 

The blond boy, feeling kind of ignored once again stared at the wall in front of him before shrugging it off and going into the kitchen, making hot chocolate with caramel syrup and whipped cream, cinnamon atop of all of that.

He brought two cups into the living room, sitting next to Gikwang and shoved him one of the cups into his hands. “You should get a hot shower and change or else you’ll get sick.” Yoseob said, eyes fixed on the TV and sipping on the chocolate.

“Later.”

Just later. No thanks no anything. He didn’t even made the effort of trying to talk to Yoseob, or holding any conversation and always cut down on any attempt that came of the older boy. If it was on purpose or not, Yoseob didn’t know. Then Gikwang sneezed again, almost spilling the hot chocolate over his trembling hands. He sniffed, turning the cup in between his hands - enjoying the warm feeling. Yoseob saw in the corners of his eyes, that he shivered and sighed inaudibly. He placed his cup on the table in front of him and stood up, leaving the room to go to the bedroom, closing the door behind him and falling face forward into the pillow, letting out an irritated, but mostly frustrated noise.

Before he realized he soon let out a desperate sob into his pillow, noticing it getting wet, tears soaking into it. He clutched the sheets, this feeling - all too familiar. It was not like he was asking him to take him back, he didn’t want to force him into that but he, at least, wanted his friend back, as well as the all-nighters they pulled off, talking all night long. He wanted the old times back, sharing laughter and good memories, but that’s all over now. 

He startled as thunder was drowning his sobs and sat up, looking out and flinched as lightning was brightening up the room. He bit his lip, looking away and placing his shaking hands over his ears, trying to block the thunderstorm out. He sobbed uncontrollably again; squeezing his eyes shut and tried to think about something else. Something that’d comfort him, calm him down. But that was hard when the only thing that he had in mind was that it’ll never be like it was before with Gikwang anymore and his fear of thunder and lightning wasn’t any helping either.

Gikwang came out of the shower much later and changed before stepping into the bedroom. His heart stopped for a moment as he saw Yoseob crying and sniffing unstoppable. He bit his lip, expression softening. Yoseob sat there like a little kid, one wouldn’t even believe this guy was over twenty already. 

Yoseob felt himself being pulled closer to a muscular body, embracing him lovingly and shushing him, whispering comforting and soft murmurs over his hair. He lowered his hands and opened his eyes to look into Gikwangs, his lip was quivering and he felt himself heating up. He hasn’t been this close to Gikwang in months anymore. And this made Yoseob let out a heavy sob again and he buried his face into his friends’ chest, grabbing his shirt at his sides, crying even more. Gikwang sighed. “Shh, everything’s okay.” He whispered, earning a shaking head in response. “A-Ani…” Yoseob mumbled. “Nothing’s okay…” 

“It will be over soon.” He assured him, pulling him even closer.

“It hurts.” Yoseobs voice cracked and he pulled back, looking down and he wiped his eyes. A kid. This guy must be a kid and nothing else. Gikwang smiled faintly before realizing what Yoseob said, frowning in slight confusion because he couldn’t figure out what Yoseob must mean. “What hurts?”

Yoseob took Gikwangs hand and placed it over his heart. “This hurts.” He glanced up at him with his red and teary eyes. Gikwang shook his head, finally understanding that this might not be all about the thunderstorm. “Seobie…” he sighed, pausing for a moment and thinking about the right words to say. He leaned forward, hand on the back of Yoseobs head, to press his lips against the olders forehead. “I am so sorry.” he whispered against his skin. 

“I don’t want you to be hurt. I never wanted to hurt you. And… I want you to be happy, Seobie…”

Yoseob looked up and in a matter of seconds he moved into the black-haired guys lap and leaned forward to place his rosy lips on the latter’s plump ones. It was a spur of the moment. Gikwang obeyed, he didn’t even have anything against it even though his eyes widened slightly, in surprise and confusion, but soon he closed his eyes, enjoying the moment and enjoying the kiss with the one he still loved the most. He had missed these soft lips, moving against his in slow but firm movements of passion, love and sensuality. They shared all their yearning for each other in just one little kiss.

Yoseob was now fully distracted, not noticing anything of the tumult going on outside of the dorm. He sighed into the kiss before pulling back, chewing on his lip and blushing visibly. Gikwang stilled, lips parted slightly before he also fluttered his eyes open. He shifted his weight to the side a little to pull out a scrunched up paper out of the backpocket of his pants. He opened the paper. “This was meant for me, right?” He smiled softly, holding it up and Yoseob knew immediately what it was “I thought- ..But- ..I threw it away…”

Gikwang chuckled, throwing him a toothpaste smile. “You missed it. It was lying around and I wondered what it was- ..I hope you don’t mind tho’.” 

Yoseob shook his head. “You already read it now anyways.” He laughed quietly, feeling Gikwangs arms being wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer.

“I am sorry for letting you feel this way, Yoseob.” He apologized and run his hand through the blonde’s curls. “You always meant everything to me and I never ever wanted to hurt you or make you feel ignored…”

“Kwangie…” Yoseob interrupted him and pulled back, cupping his face with his hands and looked into his eyes. “…I just want everything back as it was… would that be possible?”

Gikwang stared at him, mustering the soft features of the blonde boy. He broke out in a soft smile, eyes disappearing into an eyesmile and kissed Yoseob’s temple.

“Yes. I want it to be possible. …You know, … we’re just destined to be. Please let us have another chance.”
 

..............

A few days later Gikwang noticed a paper in the pocket of his jeans. Curiously he opened the folded paper in his hands and smiled softly and happy as he recognized Yoseobs handwriting.

 

I feel alive again.

 

..............