Committing the sin
My Personal Fairytale
What's the use of being in love? What's the use of being in a relationship? The risk of getting hurt was only bigger and the risk of losing people that you care about.
I used to have the best love story ever.
It wasn't perfect for others but it was perfect for me.
He had his flaws but he was perfect for me.
I used to pray to Papa God and Mama Mary about having a Prince Charming that would sweep my feet off of the ground and would make my heart skip a beat. Someone who would make me feel special and loved. I prayed so hard that when he came, I wasn't sure if it was him. The Prince Charming that I always believed that Mama Mary and Papa God kept for me.
I wasn't allowed to have someone special yet but I had him.
I wasn't sure about what he felt for me because he never said that he likes me too.
But he was always so nice, so sweet, so loving.
So warm that it made my heart swell. That time I almost started thinking that it's okay not having the assurance that he likes me too since I was already feeling so much from him already.
But it really was human's nature to be greedy.
I wanted to be sure that he really was the Prince Charming that I was waiting for. I prayed so hard for a sign that he really was the Prince in my fairytale. It never came. Or it did came and I was just too much of an idiot to see it or recognize it.
I wanted to apologize so much for being greedy. I wanted to kneel down and beg for him to believe me that he's the boy that I love. But what's done was done.. Just like he said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey, Kai~"
I averted my gaze to a bunch of popular guys across the room with a bunch of popular girls flirting with them. I used to hang out with the group even though I wasn't popular. They were really nice friends and I had a lot of memories with them but right now, I'd rather not have them see me so I buried myself deeper unto the corner of the couch and hid behind the book I was trying to read. They all look good. It's nice to know that they're all fine. I can see that Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Chen and Kris are still the noisiest in their group. Suho, Tao, Luhan and Sehun were as usual just laughing at the others. Lay, Kyungsoo and Xiumin were trying to keep it down. Jongin was just chatting with this girl. He was wearing his favorite red coat. His brown locks a little wet from the rain outside. I wondered if it still felt as soft as it did before. I ignored the nagging feeling inside my chest and the want to go and say hi.
The whole cafe was cold. For me, I mean. My definition of cold is 25 degrees and that's already too hot for common people. Thank God, I was wearing my favorite sweater, a red beanie and that the owner of the shop is a friend of mine so I had the corner-couch all to myself. I'm not really the type of the person that would stay in a cold place for too long. I basically hate the cold. But Cherry loves it. Bestfriend, currently a part-timer in the cafe and she's helping me study with the finals.
"Are you okay??" I felt a gentle nudge on my shoulder that made me look up. It was Cherry in her maid cosplay, i mean uniform.
"You look like you're expecting someone else.." Cherry said, I didn't say anything but looked down. Nothing was making sense in the book that I was trying to read.
"I saw him come in. That's why I came to check up on you." Cherry said as she sat beside me. We both took the chance to look at the group and I never cursed myself harder than I did. I felt a spear go through my chest and skewered my heart out. I couldn't help but tell myself the words. Kim Jongin has his arm around this another skinny girl.
"That used to be me."
Kim Jongin. Quiet. Shy. Humble. Lovely. Cute. Adorable. Sweet. Handsome. He used to be my Prince Charming. Until I messed up and the rest was history. Most of his friends call him Kai. I don't really like calling him Kai since I like Jongin way more. As if that matters, I can't even look at him now. We were in dance class together. I wasn't really that much of a dancer, I only got in the class because I was accompanying Jamie,bestfriend and wifey, and because I thought that it was fun and I actually enjoyed it.
I never really tried getting to know more about him. We never had an actual conversation. The longest conversation we ever had was in the dance room. He was teaching me how to pop-n-lock-it and I wasn't really getting it. He was laughing at me and my attempts of copying his moves. He was kind of mean, but I sort of liked the way he laughed and smiled. I knew that I wasn't the best pretender out there so even before I acknowledged the fact that I was actually head over heels in love with him, his groupies already knew it and took a liking to bullying me. I wasn't really the kind of girl that would easily get embarrassed with simple things. I was almost practically a guy sometimes but when they cornered me and asked if I liked Jongin more than a friend I turned into a tomato without control.
"What did you like about him?" Suho once asked me.
"Outside or inside?? Or maybe 50-50 inside and outside because of his shirt??" Baekhyun asked if I liked Jongin because of his abs.
"Uhmmm.." I wasn't really sure on how to tell them. I was afraid that they'll think that I'm weird since I liked Jongin because of the little memories that he gave me. Like that time on our first recital when Jongin wished me good luck with a lovely smile on his face. Or that time when Jongin wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I froze. Or that time when we were dancing and I accidentally slipped, resulting to my face landing on his muscled chest. Or that time when I was poking his sides teasing him about being soft and cuddly then he snapped, grabbed my hand and made me touch his abs that shocked me so much I was already at home when I realized that he made me touch his abs.
"How did you fall for him??" Kyungsoo asked another question while the others were already blabbering about their assumptions on how I fell for Jongin. I never really answered those questions. I only told girls on how much I really liked Jongin, especially my Mom. My Mom loves my stories about Jongin. She was so excited about me having a boyfriend already but my dad was still against it. She was looking forward to meeting Jongin as my boyfriend.
"He doesn't like me that much, Mom. He's just playing around." I always told my Mom. I knew that perfectly but it hurt seriously when his own friends slapped it on your face.
"Why won't you confess to Kai??" Chanyeol asked while eating his ramyun. We were at the usual eating place but we didn't have Jongin with us.
"What's the use of confessing?" I asked back, my pokerface was on. Ready for the harsh reality but I really was not that much of an actor.
"So you could hear the sweetest... NO~" Baekhyun did a fatality on my heart with those words. It was funny for everyone, I laughed too.
"Look if you confess to Kai. /slurp/ And he says No, you can move on. Don't you want to move on?" Chanyeol told me. But honestly, I don't want to move on. Cause it would lead me to leaving everyone and everything behind. I knew that the time will come and Jongin will like some girl and he'll court her and who knows what will happen to me. But there was only one thing I was sure. I wouldn't stay to watch. I wanted to drag my time with everyone longer than I could.
"You make it sound so easy." I just said. I've seen girls confessing around the school but I never imagined myself to actually confess at someone. Gosh, I never even imagined myself be the girl in those kind of dramas. It was corny most of the time and I always made sure that I was not in those places. Not to mention, I kind of hate the idea of me being the damsel in distress.
My idea of girls who are fitted for damsel in distress title are girls who are:
Pretty: ME? Not that pretty.
Kind: Me? NO WAY~
Generous: Me? JUST NO.
Talented: Me? Is bullying a talent? Is craziness a talent?
Frail: Me? No way~ clumsy yes but weak? Not really, I'm stronger than most girls so NO.
See? I was in no way a damsel in distress. I was just a commoner in a fairytale. I was just a spectator. I was not a girlfriend material. I was a boy-turned-girl kind of friend.
"He was damn pretty~!!!!" I spazzed. Kris was already handing me another glass of I-forgot-the-name-I-might-have-heard-it-or-not cocktail. I was already tipsy with just one glass but I still accepted the second one. Believe it or not, I have zero alcohol tolerance and I am also allergic to alcohol. I turn to a tomato every time I reach my limit which was a glass. I continued babbling things about how Jongin was really pretty that time he tried on the blue wig from one of the stands while everyone was visiting a shopping district.
"An upperclassman had a picture of that I remember." I knew I shouldn't be saying things like this to a friend of his but I just can't keep my mouth shut. I remember saying things like "I'm willing to court him if ever he's gay~".
The next morning was a torture. Kris was laughing at me the whole time in dance class. And I couldn't do anything about it because he threatened that he will tell Jongin about everything I said that night. Especially the gay part. I'm just sure that Jongin wouldn't like me doubting if he's gay or not.
"What's wrong with you and Kris? Is he bullying you again?" Jongin sat beside me while trying to pack up.
"Yep. As usual.." I told him and watched as Kris sat on my other side with a huge smile.
"You're creepy." I said and elbowed him.
"Hahaha~ Hey, Kai. I need to tell you something. Are you free after this?" Kris teased me and even before I could stop my hand I already hit him.
"What?? I just said I needed to talk to him?!" Kris laughed at me again. I was far too obvious and I was already asking the ground to open up and swallow me up. I hit Kris even when I knew that Jongin was looking at him and it was too obvious.
"Hahaha! She's jealous~" Jongin said and I couldn't look at him for awhile after that.
Remembering everything was just too painful but I couldn't bring myself to forget everything. Those were memories that I treasured. Those memories made me feel that True Love was real even with the reality that Jongin doesn't like me that way. Those memories proved to me that I was capable of loving and treasuring someone.
Have you ever wanted something or someone so much that it hurt you so much when you found out that it will never and can never be yours? That's how much I wanted Kim JOngin. I wanted myself to believe that I don't like him that much but that was not the truth. When I touched his hand and he smiled, when he looked at me and called my name, when he saw that I was trying to flirt with some guy and he called my attention, those were little memories that was so beautiful that my heart still skips a beat whenever I remember it. The more that I denied it, the more my own feelings showed how much he meant to me. Why is it so damn hard to admit that you're in love with someone? In the end, I just told myself that he's a toy that I couldn't afford.
"Did he reject you totally??" Jaejoong asked, the cafe-owner just beside the uni. I was taking a part-time job there since I had a lot of free time and I didn't want to go to dance class.
"He said thanks. That's enough rejection for me." I said, cleaning up another table and walking away with the dishes.
"You know, sweety. A guy says Thank you to a confession because of two reasons." Jaejoong stopped my tracks to talk properly.
"Two reasons?" I asked.
"One, that guy is really just thankful that you like him. And Two, that guy is really shocked that he can't say anything else but a Thank You. But that doesn't mean that he's rejecting you." Jaejoong explained.
"Then what do I do?" I asked, running away to another table that needs cleaning.
"Confess to him face to face again." Jaejoong said, at which I almost dropped everything I was holding on his feet.
"WHAT? Are you crazy, Ahjusshi?" I said, running away inside the kitchen again.
"What did you call me?? //hits my head// Look, you said he overheard you tell everyone in dance class that you like him and his friends set you up. Then that's not a confession." Jaejoong said.
"I don't think I can handle any more pain or rejection bigger than that Jaejoong-sshi. I'm not that strong. I might break myself totally." I told him.
"What if he likes you too?" Jaejoong asked.
"If he really liked me that much, he would have been giving it a bit more effort don't you think? So far, the only thing he had done is go with the flow of my actions. I was always the one doing/giving the effort. He never really did something sweet or initiated something or actually made an effort to show that he liked me too." I said with a sigh. I felt really pathetic but it was true. The sooner that I accepted that fact, the better it will be.
I wanted to move on so badly I did something immorally wrong. Luhan was my closest friend in the dance class and he was pretty open-minded and liberated too. I was straying away from my morals and I was betraying my own God. I was commiting a sin and I knew it yet I still wanted to do it. I kept telling myself that 'everybody does it nowadays, there's nothing wrong with it.' I once asked him if he could teach me how to do a french kiss. I was shocked when he accepted my offer. It was happening too fast. I was even more scared when he said to do it the next day I asked.
The first thing that I thought was Jongin.
I wanted Jongin to be my first kiss.
Do I really want to give my first kiss to Luhan?
Even though he's a friend, I don't like him that way.
Do I really want my first kiss to be nothing special?
Am I really giving up on my dream of a romantic first kiss??
And it was just too dangerous. Luhan is Jongin's friend too. Jongin will hate me if he finds out. He'll hate me. Jongin will hate me. That moment I wanted to back out already. Say that I was just fooling around and I never expected Luhan to accept which was the truth but I couldn't bring myself to. I was scared.. I was scared that Luhan would think that I was pulling a prank on him and get mad and then tell Jongin about this.
The next day, I left a note to Luhan that I didn't want to do it anymore and that I won't ask anyone else, that I was scared of the real thing.
That day I learned the meaning of 'ANG PAGSISISI AY LAGING NASA HULI' (Regret is always at the end) in the hardest way I'll ever remember. I wished I never entered the dance room that day. When I opened the door and I saw Jongin holding that note that I left for Luhan. I felt my whole being freeze and become stone cold.
"Friends with benefits huh? I knew you weren't that innocent." Jongin's eyes were judging and hard when he said that then walked past me. I couldn't do anything but shut my eyes and cry. I just lost the person that I didn't want to lose the most.
I wanted to apologize, I wanted to tell him that I love him, I wanted to say that I was just fooling around but I couldn't bring myself to enter dance class anymore.
Knowing the he'll be there, looking at me with those hate-filled eyes. if not, he won't be looking at me anymore. Is this punishment for what I've done? For not standing up to my faith and my dignity? For straying away from my morals?
I remembered just how much I wished everyday, how much I prayed to my God every night to keep Jongin safe and for him to say something to me. A simple Hi and a lovely smile always made my day complete.
I felt more horrible because I remember how every time I prayed for Jongin to do something special for me and he really does something sweet.
It was perfect. My God always gave me everything I asked for. But I still betrayed Him. Just like how I betrayed Jongin's trust. I still committed my sin.
"Unnie??" Cherry woke me up from my little flashback, only to realize that I was flooding tears again. I never really told them why I stopped coming to dance class.
"I-I'm sorry.." My voice broke midway while I wiped my tears off.
"You still love him that much." Cherry stated and I really don't have any strength anymore to say otherwise. I noticed that they were already packing up. Jongin was already outside with a girl. And my mind just stopped working right there and then.
"I'll be fine.." I assured her or more like assured myself. That soon, I'll be able to smile again like how I used to. Soon, I'll get back that huge piece of my heart and be able to love again. Soon, I hoped.
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