Chapter 1: I wish something happened after that conversation... Hehe... Felt wanting more! Haha... But, really, 't was a very good story. Short but, very good. Nice work authornim.
Right, so if it's still more natural for you to use that sort of diction, you could consider third-person close perspective. Still, I think first person works great for this fic, and you did quite well at it, so I'd encourage you to keep at it. I also recommend reading it aloud, lol, or vocalizing it in your head. It becomes really obvious when some parts sound like Jiyeon and some parts sound like a more disconnected narrator.
A few things with the tense again, but I think you definitely improved from the last fic. It was mostly the beginning, like "I'm glad..." I know it seems strange, but since you're writing in past tense, it should be "I was glad..." It doesn't mean that Jiyeon isn't glad anymore, just sets the story in the past. Oh, and the 's contractions are always in present tense, so if you're writing in past, you have to use was. For example, "It's" is "It is" and not "It was."
Time for nitpicky stuff. If Suzanne Collins is the author, the book would be placed in the author's section where the "C" is. It goes by last name! And "I could seriously feel her glare on me," unless you mean that Eunjung is actually GLARING (like staring angrily with eyebrows furrowed and frowning and everything), I would just say "I could seriously feel her staring at me." Replacing "glare" with "gaze" sounds a little unnatural, since do YOU ever say gaze? I thought it was weird that Jiyeon glared back, too, since she's like in love. So yup, stare.
Riiiight, that's about it for now. Thumbs-up :D I loved that last line by the way. And you call /me/ cheesy. Hope you don't feel put off by the concrit by the way, I'm just invested in your improvement ;u; It's a good sign really, if stuff is just BAD, I don't bother concrit-ing because I'll just say "rewrite it all." Feel free to ask me for editing too~!
Chapter 1: This was really cute again :D You have a knack for this sort of thing. Like the aquarium one, I think the setting really helped to set a good atmosphere. Libraries are a nice place, haha.
(Okay, sorry if the rest of this sounds like a legit review; I'm pretty used to doing this sort of thing since I do editing for other people at my uni's writing center, so.)
First person was an interesting choice, but I liked it. I dunno, the more personal touch as compared to third person just makes more sense, since a large part of this is interiority/thoughts from Jiyeon rather than a recount of actions. It's kind of like getting rid of the middleman and letting Jiyeon herself tell us how she feels.
You did a good job with keeping Jiyeon's voice consistent; lines like "Since like...a few days ago" or "She must've noticed me checking her out - " really sounded authentic. Oh, and the interiority was really good too, Jiyeon's rambling thought patterns made her a really three-dimensional character. I'm also glad you didn't choose to go into overt descriptions of the environment, especially since we know what most libraries look like anyway. The thing about first person is it's really like the narrator (Jiyeon) is telling us a story, so she would choose to focus on what she finds most important. She doesn't seem like the type of person to be overly concerned with the library, so you placing a bigger focus on Eunjung is great and it keeps me in the story.
The only thing though, some of this sounds too much like WRITING. What I mean by that is, say "I'm glad I get to enjoy the peace and serenity..." or "with a look of amusement on their faces upon..." Consider that this is JIYEON TELLING us a story. Most the time, her diction is using "like" and "" and really teenager-ish language, so using words like "serenity" and "upon" just don't sound natural. That's sort of why first-person is difficult to pull off, because the natural voice is really, really important.
Chapter 1: This is so awww ;uuuuuuuuuu;
I'm actually confused what to say here because I have told majority of my thoughts to you on twitter XD
But again, this is such a good material to read and I'm not saying this just for good manner.
Idk how to say but the atmosphere in the library set is just so calm and warm and I like how Jiyeon is trying to pick up Eunjung's attention but she's shy and flustered and ends up like she's the one who's being picked by Ej XD
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