Kyuhyun waited anxiously outside the waiting area in the hospital.

Oh God no! Please don’t take her!!! She is all I have God! Please don’t take her!!! Umma…Appa… Please…don’t take Ahra from me! She is everything I have!

Kyuhyun covered his face. He didn’t like strangers looking at him. Especially when he was crying.

He suddenly heard the only voice that would soothe him, “Kyu! Oh my God! I came as soon as I got your text!”

Changmin ran up to Kyuhyun and hugged him. Kyuhyun hid his face on Changmin’s shoulder and sobbed.

“Min…I…I…what if….what if she’s gone…?” Kyuhyun sobbed.

“Shhh. Everything will be fine” Changmin patted him on the back.

“Kyu!” Ryeowook appeared and stood beside them, “Don’t worry Kyu! Ahra will be fine!”

Kyu continued sobbing without acknowledging Ryeowook’s presence.

“Kyu, what happened?” it was Yunho who had appeared with Heechul, Sungmin, Yesung, Jaejoong, and Junsu.

Kyuhyun lifted his face and looked at the others realizing they were there. Changmin patted Kyuhyun as he tried regaining his composure.

*flashback*

“Yah noona! Let’s go inside! It’s cold up here and I’m hungry!” Kyuhyun groaned

Ahra was walking towards the edge, “Aigoo Kyu! Just wait a sec! This picture is beautiful!”

“Don’t get to close to the edge” Kyuhyun warned as he took out his phone and checked if he received any message from Changmin. None.

“Oh look Kyu! I think I can get the picture of the Han River from here…” Ahra smiled as she leaned over. Suddenly, her legs, her torso, her whole body disappeared.

Kyuhyun gasped and ran to the edge, “Ahra!!!!”

He looked over. Ahra was on the floor, surrounded by a pool of blood.

.

.

.

The ambulance came. The neighbors were making a commotion, women cried, men shouted, Kyuhyun stood there.

“Are you her family?” a paramedic asked. Kyuhyun nodded.

“Hop in” the paramedic and the rest of the EMT team were inside the ambulance and helped Kyuhyun up.

They shouted words and terminology Kyuhyun couldn’t understand as they pressed white cloth on her head. She no longer looked like Ahra.

Please don’t die.

*flashback end*

“I…um…she…we…we were on the roof. She was taking pictures…she…she got close to the edge…too close… I told her! I told her to move away! She…AISH! She just smiled…but then…she slipped…and then…she was on the floor...there was so much blood….the ambulance…so much blood…. Oh God! I don’t want her to die!!!!” Kyuhyun bawled

Everyone sat down and bowed their heads praying. Every second passed like an eternity.

Finally a scary man with a stone face and a white lab coat appeared, “Family of Cho Ahra?”

Kyuhyun shot up, “That’s me!!!” he rushed towards the doctor. The doctor’s stern face then grew soft, “I’m so sorry….”

Not those words! No!

“No. No. No! No! NO! Don’t apologize!!!” Kyuhyun shouted and grabbed the man’s shoulders. Changmin went to calm him down.

“Shhh. Kyu….” Changmin bit his lip. Kyuhyun’s knees grew weak, “Please….tell me…tell me she is alive!”

“My team worked really hard. But it was inevitable, Ms. Cho Ahra has passed away” the doctor bowed and walked away.

Changmin suddenly let go of Kyuhyun in complete shock. Kyuhyun fell on his knees.

My team worked really hard. But it was inevitable; Ms. Cho Ahra has passed away. Ms. Cho Ahra has passed away. Ms. Cho Ahra has passed away… No. NO!!!!!! It can’t be!!! NO!!!!!! Why?!?!?!

“Kyu? Kyu? Kyuhyun? Please answer?” Ryeowook knelt beside him as he carefully shook him. Kyuhyun lifted his face and stared at Ryeowook with empty eyes.

“She is gone” he barely whispered.

Ryeowook sobbed, “I am so sorry Kyu! I’m so sorry! I’m here for you arasso?” Ryeowook hugged him.

Kyuhyun’s arms remained at his sides as he just stared at Ryeowook numbly. He was no longer crying.

That was when Changmin finally snapped back to reality and hugged Kyuhyun abruptly while moving Ryeowook to the side.

“She’s gone. I’m alone now.” Kyuhyun whispered

“No. No you’re not Kyu! I’m here for you. You won’t ever be alone! I promise you!!!” Changmin sobbed. Like if suddenly brought back to life, Kyuhyun began to sob.

Ryeowook stared at them feeling a little pain inside his chest.

Of course. Only Changmin will make him feel better. What am I even thinking?

The place was filled with different actions. Yesung and Sungmin sobbed, Yunho just stared at them, and Heechul and Jaejoong were already booking the funeral home and a place for the grave. Children laughed and ran across the hospital floors, mothers shouted, men talked, nurses whispered, keyboards were typed, papers were signed, phones were used, the lights flickered, and Kyuhyun sobbed in the arms of the man he loved.

*Three months later*

“Rise and shine Kyu!” Ryeowook softly shook him and then he opened the curtain, letting the sun’s rays light up the room. It was a mess. Clothes were on the floor. Papers were scattered everywhere.

“Nnnngh” Kyuhyun groaned and shifted in bed.

Ryeowook sighed, “Come on Kyu! You have to go to school today! You are always absent, you are going to have to repeat a year if you keep this up!”

Kyuhyun groaned.

Why do you care? Why should I care? I don’t care anymore. I hate this.

Ryeowook sighed again and saw something under Kyuhyun’s pillow. He carefully took it out. It was a picture of Kyuhyun and Ahra. Ryeowook felt a pain in his chest. Kyuhyun hadn’t cried ever since they left the hospital, at least, no one saw or heard him.

*flashback*

Everyone was dressed in black for the funeral. Ahra’s close friends and teachers had come. There was chattering and sobbing everywhere and people went up to Kyuhyun and talked to him about Ahra like if he was some sponge that would retain all of those memories and suddenly get better.

Ryeowook looked for Changmin everywhere. Where the hell is he? Kyu needs him.

He walked towards the back of the church and he heard giggling.

“Yunho stop! What if someone sees us?”

“Shhh. It’s ok”

Changmin and Yunho were kissing. Ryeowook felt his chest tighten when he saw them. If Kyuhyun sees this, he would be completely devastated. He knew Kyuhyun was in love with Changmin. Ryeowook walked away full of anger.

He can’t know about this. Kyu can’t know about this. If he does…he will be hurt. And it will be worse. Dammit!

Later on, the priest gave his sermon and each person that was close to Ahra talked about how she was so charming, and so beautiful, and so lively, and how it was such a shame, and it was so sad. Kyuhyun didn’t talk. He just sat on the bench with a blank face. He wasn’t crying. He hadn’t cried.

When they were lowering the coffin inside the burial site, everyone burst out crying as they threw flowers. Kyuhyun just walked away and stared at the other tombstones.

“You ok Kyu?” Ryeowook placed a hand on his shoulder. Kyuhyun turned around and stared at him.

“Yeah. I’m ok”

*end of flashback*

Kyuhyun finally picked himself up. “Arasso. Do you mind? I’m going to change”

“Oh! Of course! I’m preparing breakfast, so come downstairs when you’re done” Ryeowook smiled and walked out of the room and went to the kitchen. He turned the stove on.

He is still grieving… Kyu, why don’t you just cry? Just cry on my shoulder.

Kyuhyun stared at his reflection in the mirror. His skin was pale and he had dark circles under his eyes; he noticed his hair had grown longer; it now covered his eyes.

Ahra, I’m going to school today. You wanted me to graduate remember? You said I was the smartest person you ever met. But I don’t want to go back there. I’m treated like if I’m a wounded puppy. I’m just the pity joke for everyone.

Kyuhyun stretched out his left arm and pulled his long sleeve up. Thin lines covered his arm from the wrist to the elbow. Kyuhyun felt numb. He reached behind the toilet, where he had a small white box and grabbed it. Inside it was a razor. He lifted it carefully, and then closed his eyes as he pressed it against his skin and dragged it.

Pain. He felt pain. When he was done, Kyuhyun exhaled and looked at the line that suddenly turned crimson red. A few droplets of blood began to fall. He quickly put toilet paper to stop the bleeding and took out the first aid kit. He put a gauze on the wound and then secured it. He put the razor in his pocket. He pulled his long sleeve back down making sure there weren’t any stains and then went downstairs.

“Are you ready Kyu?” Ryeowook asked happily, “guess what I prepared? Pork chops! Your favorite. I know these aren’t for breakfast, but what the hell?!”

Ryeowook served two on Kyuhyun’s plate. “Go ahead and start eating” he served himself two as well and turned the stove off. The phone rang.

“Oh! I’ll be back. Go ahead and start eating without me!” Ryeowook smiled.

Kyuhyun stared at the pork chops. He wasn’t hungry. He wrapped them with a napkin and he hurried outside. He then threw then to his neighbor’s backyard. They had dogs.

Kyuhyun placed a small piece of a napkin in his mouth and pretended to chew.

“It was Heechul, he wanted to make sure you were coming to …Oh wow! You’re done already?!” Ryeowook appeared after ending the phone call.

Kyuhyun swallowed and nodded, “I was hungry. Thank you Ryeowook”

Ryeowook smiled, “Of course! Do you want any more? I can go ahead and cook more!”

“No. I’m fine. Thanks.” Kyuhyun smiled and walked upstairs.

Ryeowook beamed. I cant believe he is actually going to school today! And he liked my pork chops!

He finished eating quickly and then grabbed his bag and books.

“Kyu are you ready?” he shouted.

Kyuhyun then walked downstairs with his bag and nodded at him.

Ryeowook noticed he was wearing a long sleeve shirt again.

Why does he only wear long sleeve shirts now? Its spring now…so its not cold.

At school, everyone stared at Kyuhyun. He was the only orphan at Seoul Public High School and his story was widely known around the school.

Kyuhyun just walked through them as if he walked through a bunch of rocks.

“Kyuhyun it’s so good to see you!” Sungmin appeared and hugged Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun didn’t hug back, instead he stared. Sungmin awkwardly let go.

“Changmin?” Kyuhyun asked as he looked around.

Sungmin’s face started to shine, “Omo! Kyu! You won’t believe this! But Changmin and Yunho are a couple now!!! They are probably outside being lovey dovey. Isn’t that great?”

Ryeowook froze and looked at Kyuhyun.

“Oh, that’s good” Kyuhyun nodded, “I’m going to the restroom. I’ll be back”

He walked away before anyone said anything.

“Hey Wookie…is he ok?” Sungmin asked

Ryeowook turned to look at Kyuhyun disappear in the crowd, “I don’t know Sungmin….I don’t know…”

Kyuhyun walked inside the restroom and went inside a stall. After so many months, Kyuhyun finally cried. He didn’t cry after he saw Ahra’s corpse. He didn’t cry at her funeral. He didn’t cry when they buried her. But now, he was sobbing like an idiot over a man he knew was never his. He bit his lips. He needed to stop crying. He took out the razor from his pocket and pulled down his sleeve. He took of the gauze and then cut in deeply on his arm. He gasped at the pain. He noticed blood was coming out like a bunch of wild ants. He applied and applied toilet paper to stop it but it wouldn’t stop.

Oh God…what if it doesn’t stop? …did I cut too deep?

He bit his lip and prayed for the bleeding to stop. He then realized something. He was no longer crying. The pain in his arms freed him. He quickly put the gauze back on then went to the sink to clean the blood from his hands and the razor.

The day went by extremely slow. The teachers were weary that Kyuhyun was there and tried to avoid any topic that involved love, death, siblings.

As the lunch bell rung, everyone walked towards the cafeteria.

“Kyuhyun?” Seohyun, a classmate of his walked up to him and hugged him.

“I know what you are going through…my unnie…she…Taeyeon unnie died two weeks ago…” Seohyun sobbed while Kyuhyun just stared at her with an empty face.

A short girl with blonde her then got a hold of her, “Let’s go Seo…”

Kyuhyun just stared at the girls while they left.

“Gee Kyu. You didn’t have to be so cold” Yunho said as he appeared. Kyuhyun hadn’t seen Changmin or Yunho all day, but now he wished he indeed didn’t see them all day. He felt his chest grow heavy with the sight of Changmin holding Yunho’s hand.

Changmin….

Kyuhyun turned to Yunho, “You don’t know anything”

Yunho scoffed, “Sure I do! I know Ahra is dead, and I’m sorry to hear that, but get over it man! The teachers are gonna get tired of this just like we are!”

“Yunho!” Ryeowook hissed

You don’t know how I feel! I’ve lost everything now! You took away the only good thing I had!

Kyuhyun remained numb, “You do not understand”

Yunho let go of Changmin’s hand, “Of course I don’t! No one does! You just shut yourself up and became a walking zombie! ! Ahra is even more alive that you are!”

That was it. Kyuhyun snapped. Kyuhyun raised his left arm to slap him. But Changmin caught it.

“Kyuhyun! Enough!” Changmin growled. Kyuhyun stared at Changmin. His chest hurt. He felt betrayed.

 I’m here for you. You wont ever be alone! I promise you! Were those lies Changmin?

 “Kyuhyun…what happened to your arm?” Sungmin asked. Kyuhyun looked. His sleeve had rolled down. They could see the gauze where the blood was seeping through and all the scars.

. They cant know about this!!!

Kyuhyun pushed Changmin, releasing his arm and ran away. The others just stood there in shock. Ryeowook fell to the ground and began to sob.

Oh God! Kyuhyun is cutting himself?!?! How long has he been doing this for?!?! How did I not notice?!?! How he always needed a new sharpener…how he locked himself up…no pools, no spa…the long sleeve shirts! …of all people. Why didn’t I realize this?!?!

Ryeowook had been waiting in the living room for five hours until Kyuhyun finally appeared. Ryeowook didn’t say anything; he just got up and hugged him.

“Ryeowook….” Kyuhyun said

“Shhh. You don’t have to explain Kyu… I know how you feel…” Ryeowook patted him.

Kyuhyun frowned, “You don’t”

Ryeowook sighed and then lifted his shorts up revealing his thighs. The same kinds of marks covered his thighs. Long and short lines that ran vertically, horizontally, and slanted on his thigh.

Kyuhyun stared at him with surprise.

Ryeowook smiled gently, “I know Kyu. Cutting…it seems like it helps you. It helps you forget the pain. It feels good. But then its bad Kyu…I know its hard…I know it dammit! But you have to stop…”

Kyuhyun but his lip but then burst out crying, “I just don’t know what to do! Ahra is gone! I’m alone! Changmin had promised! He promised! He promised he wouldn’t leave me alone! But he did! He is with that ing !!!”

Ryeowook felt a stab right on his heart when he heard Kyuhyun sob. How long had it been since he heard him cry? He didn’t know whether to be happy or sad that he was finally crying.

“You are not alone. I won’t leave you alone. Ever. I swear on my life, cross my heart”

Ryeowook looked at Kyuhyun’s shirt. The bleeding was seeping through the shirt. He picked him up and cleaned the wound and covered it with a clean gauze.

“Kyu…that cut was too deep…”

“I know…”

“Kyu…please…every time…the cuts will get deeper…and deeper…you have to stop…”

“I know…”

“Kyu…I don’t want to lose you! I cant lose you!” Ryeowook began to sob.

Kyuhyun sighed and patted Ryeowook on the back, “Don’t worry, I’m not trying to kill myself.”

Am I?

Ryeowook looked at Kyuhyun and Kyuhyun smiled, “I don’t want to die Wookie. Don’t worry”

I don’t?

Ryeowook continued sobbing, “C” “I’m here for you!”

Kyuhyun nodded, “I will”

“Ok then, go change into a clean shirt. I will cook dinner” Ryeowook smiled

Kyuhyun nodded and walked upstairs. He locked himself in the bathroom. He took his pants off and stared at his thighs.

I’m sorry Wookie. I just…I cant…

He pressed the razor over his thighs. He breathed in slowly. Ryeowook’s words echoed in his brain.

I’m here for you. You wont ever be alone! I promise you! I’m sorry Wookie. I can’t tell you. You cant help me. I’m a lost cause….Help…!

Days passed by and one day, Kyuhyun heard a loud knocking on his bedroom door.

“Come in”

Ryeowook was crying as he held Kyuhyun’s pants. There were blood stains in the thigh area.

“Kyu…”

“I….I’m sorry!!!” Kyuhyun burst out crying.

Ryeowook sighed, “Its ok Kyu. It’s ok. But you cant be doing this?! You are so much better! You are such a great guy!”

“I’m not Wookie! I’m ed up! And now that Changmin is with Yunho, I know I will never be loved!”

“But you are!”

“I’m not!”

“You are!”

“By who?!”

“By me dammit! I ing love you Kyu! And that’s why it ing kills me that you do this to you! I went through the same, but I was able to stop thanks to Donghae’s help. But you? I try to help but you just don’t respond! I don’t know what to do! Tell me what to do Kyu? How do I help you?!?!?!”

Kyuhyun stared at the ground for a while and then hugged Ryeowook, “I’ll stop”

“Do you promise?”

“…”

“Kyu?”

“I promise”

Ryeowook smiled, “Ok, I’ll get you some help. Don’t worry. I went there and they were amazing!!!”

*A month later*

Everyone cheered for Kyuhyun as he was finally admitted out of the rehab center.

Ryeowook hugged Kyuhyun and picked him up while twirling him, “Whoa Wookie!!! Since when did you get so strong?” Kyuhyun laughed and Ryeowook punched him playfully on the arm.

“It’s good to see you smiling BabyKyu” Heechul attacked him with kisses.

“Yah Heechul! Since when am I a baby?!?!” Kyuhyun giggled.

“Since I said SO! Got a problem with that?!?!”

Kyuhyun shook his head abruptly, “No sir!”

Everyone laughed. Kyuhyun radiated, it wasn’t only the white clothes he had to wear. It was his smile. It shined.

Weeks passed and everyone was helping Changmin and Yunho with their wedding. Kyuhyun already knew this and had been holding it in; staying strong for his friend.

Friends. That’s all we will ever be.

“I’m glad for you Min” Kyuhyun smiled as Changmin hyperventilated in his white tuxedo.

“Thank you Kyu! Gah!!! I cant believe I’m finally marrying Yunho!!!” he said excitedly

“You two are a cute couple” Kyuhyun faked a smile.

Changmin began to cry, “Oh my god Kyu, I cant marry him!”

Kyuhyun sighed but had a little bit of hope, “Why?”

“What if I don’t actually love him? Just like him a lot?”

“You love him Changmin”

“Kyu?”

“Deh?”

“Can I ask you to do something?”

“Sure”

“Kiss me”

Kyuhyun froze. Did he hear well?

“Kiss me Kyu. So I can know that I truly love Yunho.” Changmin said with a desperate face.

Kyuhyun hesitated but then leaned over and kissed him. Kyuhyun finally felt alive after many months. His heart was pounding as his lips tasted Changmin’s sweet lips. Then, Changmin broke the kiss.

Kyuhyun’s face was red and sweaty and his heart was pounding at 1,000 miles per hour. Changmin smiled.

“Thank you Kyu! I know for a fact that I love Yunho, not you!”

Kyuhyun felt like if someone was bounding his heart like a basket ball and then stepped on it. He frowned.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to put it like that, but thanks! I feel somewhat better. I know that I love my Yunho baby!!!” Changmin jumped up and down.

Kyuhyun faked a smile as he suddenly felt his hear just burst and die.

“Changmin! Come! I need to do your makeup!” Heechul opened the door and hissed at him.

“Alrighty! I’ll see you at the church Kyu!” Changmin skipped out of the room.

I cant breathe. I cant breathe. ! ! !!!

He ran to the bathroom and looked around frantically. He then unscrewed a light bulb that was on top of the mirror and threw it on the floor; it shattered. With shaking hands, he grabbed a piece of glass and held it against his left arm. He closed his eyes and cried.

“I’m sorry Wookie. I’m breaking my promise”

Kyuhyun exhaled as crimson droplets trickled down his arm.

Here I am again! With yet another one of my angst stories... I'm sorry I havent been able to write... My family situation has been like crap...TT.TT and well...my mind couldnt get itself together to write. (I ended up killing everyone every time I wrote) So I wrote this as a little venting....so now I can write^^ I hope:3 Gah! Just tell me what you guys think^^ Love y'all!!!

Love,

~Hellena

For all of you who self-harm. Let's stay strong together<3