After Joonmyun’s speech, Jongdae pulls him to the back and hugs him, squeezes him.

  Jongdae tries not to cry on stage.

  They get back to the dorm late after the awards show, everyone still emotional and holding onto each other. Luhan hugs Minseok as they rock, and Chanyeol comforts Jongin and Sehun as they cry. Jongdae keeps his arm around Joonmyun’s waist. Across the room, Baekhyun meets his gaze and they smile at each other.

  Jongdae never felt he deserved to win anything. The members –especially Joonmyun- trained for years, through blood, sweat, and tears; and Jongdae only one. He didn’t think it was fair to the others. He didn’t think the award was for him, but for the other members. He knows that Exo needs him, that without him the group wouldn’t be the same –they’ve told him- but he still doesn’t think he deserves the awards.

  So he always stands to the side and hugs the others who cry and offer words of comfort to them because they deserve it.

  Across the room he see Kyungsoo on the couch with his foot propped up on the coffee table, bag of ice over his ankle and he feels a twinge of regret. Kyungsoo should have been up there to win the award, but instead he was in the hospital getting his foot looked at. Kyungsoo should have been able to thank the audience for the award, and the fans.

  The room thins out and Joonmyun helps Kyungsoo to his room until Chanyeol picks him up to carry him. He doesn’t know whose room they end up in –sometimes the guys like to move around and everyone is in different rooms- but Joonmyun wraps his arms around his neck and rests his head on his shoulder. Jongdae hugs him around the waist, pulling them closer and he whines out, “Hyung.”

  “It’s okay,” Joonmyun assures him, a hand through his hair. “You can cry.”

  And Jongdae does, in his Hyung’s embrace. He finally lets the tears he’s been holding in out and they fall into Joonmyun’s hair, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He rocks them slowly, lets him cry out everything he’s held in up until now.

  Joonmyun makes sure that after every award Jongdae isn’t somewhere crying alone. He caught him crying the bathroom after everyone had gone to sleep one time, and after that he’s never left him alone after an award. He always pulls him into an empty room and hugs him, tells him to cry –tells him- and doesn’t leave his side until the next morning.

Jongdae lets himself be pulled into bed and under the blankets, wrapped around Joonmyun. He balls his hands into fists in his shirt, refusing to let go because right now, Joonmyun is his anchor.

  “You deserve it, too, Jongdae,” Joonmyun whispers to him and Jongdae cries harder because he doesn’t but Joonmyun is telling him he does, and Joonmyun wouldn’t say that if he didn’t mean it.

  “We won, Hyung,” he whispers, clinging to him tighter, burying his face in his chest.

“We won, Jongdae,” Joonmyun replies, smoothing down his hair with a smile.