His hand trails along the dips and curves of the person sleeping next to him, hair tousled in disarray as he watches her chest rise and fall with every breath. It takes a moment for Sehun to realize that he doesn’t know her name, nor does he see the need to care. They were both wasted from Jongin’s big college party last night, the alcohol free flowing and the music obnoxiously loud.

He lets out a muffled groan, hands coming up to smother his face.

She’s not Soojung though, he knows that much.


« « «


“Sehun? SEHUN!” Kyungsoo is nearly yelling at him.

Kyungsoo’s hands are clutching his shoulders, finger nails digging into the flesh. Sehun winces but doesn’t make any effort to move away. Instead Sehun gazes into Kyungsoo’s imploring eyes; worry lines are etched into Kyungsoo’s forehead and he feels a tinged of guilt.

“What is it?” Sehun’s tone is harsher than he had intended and Kyungsoo drops his hands from him, visibly wounded.

Kyungsoo lets out a deep sigh, the purplish eye bags looking darker than normal. He starts pacing in the corridor, footsteps echoing ominously as Sehun watches him from his place.

“I just think” Kyungsoo begins but stops shortly, fingers fidgeting as he stares intently at the floor. He looks up suddenly, eyes determined as he speaks.

“About Soojung… ” His voice is trailing off again, “I know this must be hard on you but you really should consider-” Sehun cuts him off there, hands balled into fists and knuckles turning white, and he barely manages to spit out a “hyung, please” and Kyungsoo shuts up.


» » »


He meets him at the local club, Two Moons, and when the older male introduces himself as Lu Han, Sehun can’t really tell if that’s his full name or first name but the thought trails off when Lu Han wraps playful fingers around his wrist and drags him out onto the dance floor.

Sehun hasn’t been to the club in ages, or ever really, and his body moving to some techno beat feels awkward and out of place. The colorful strobe lights nearly blind him as he tries to focus on the person before him, lithe body moving to the rhythm and hungry eyes unabashedly eating him up.

He should feel probably feel uncomfortable but Sehun pushes away the urge to run out of the club and keeps his gaze trained on Lu Han’s face. The bright lights distorting his vision and for a split second he swears he sees Soojung over Lu Han’s right shoulder. A rough head shake and he hears the loud cackle of Lu Han’s laugh over the loud bass, the floorboards vibrating under his feet, and Sehun manages to choke out a few chuckles.

He hopes his plastic smile is convincing enough.

When Sehun suddenly feels warm lips on his own he’s not entirely surprised that they’re Lu Han’s. The older man’s doe eyes are closed and Sehun blinks blankly, mouth unsure of what to do and it might be due to the alcohol in his system but his body stiffens immediately.

Lu Han pulls away after a few heartbeats, a frown marring his features when his attempts to part Sehun’s lips so that he can slip in his tongue are fruitless. Sehun’s eyes are devoid of any emotion as he stands there staring at the shorter male before him in a sea of sweaty and grinding bodies. The music is too loud but he swears he can almost hear the indignant scoff Lu Han huffs out as he turns around and heads to the bar.

Sehun’s left in the middle of the dance floor, fists clenched at his side and dark thoughts storming in his mind.


» » »


Summer reminds him of Soojung, almost. Rather than the actual season the salty air of the seaside beach house and the familiar scent of his car’s leather seats remind Sehun of her.

His heart clenches, chest aching with every rise and fall of his lungs and it feels like he’s drowning in a sea of nameless emotions and thoughts and there’s no way out. His hands are grappling at the surface, arms flailing in feeble attempts to stay afloat, above the sea water, but he keeps sinking. Down, down, down, and the darkness engulfs him.

Sehun wakes up breathing hard as a cold sweat breaks out across his forehead, his body shuddering from the sudden chill. He moans softly, the sheets tangled with his limbs suddenly constricting and he frantically tries to rip the fabric away from his body.

Bleary eyes scan his gloomy room, white on white, and Sehun notes the sunshine streaming through the cracks of his curtains. He doesn’t bother with moving them aside, choosing to fling his legs over the edge of the bed and pad his way to the bathroom.

He hates moments like this, the sweet honey of memories touching his taste buds only to be ripped away by waking up; the wave of reality that hits him always knocks him off his feet.

Sehun doesn’t have anyone to help him up, not anymore.

Never again.


« « «


Jung Soojung is someone with bright smiles, porcelain skin that looks untouched, and jet black hair rippling like water rivulets in the sea breeze. She is class 6B’s golden girl, his class, their class, and Sehun finds his palms feeling slightly clammy when she’s within looking distance.

Her voice is melodic to listen to, an octave between high and low, and between all the words and music notes on his music score Sehun feels himself falling a little more each time.

He curses under his breath when Jongin promptly invites him to spend a weekend at the beach a few days after final exams end and Sehun is sweating bullets at his desk. Sehun begrudgingly agrees when Jongin not-so-subtly hints that the entire class (Soojung) is going.


The next few days are filled with exams that Sehun doesn’t remember even trying to study for and smacking his forehead against the surface of his desk because he’s an idiot for not studying. Baekhyun mentions how he looks awful and he quickly smothers his mouth with his hands in a half-assed attempt to muffle his snickers.


The weekend had approached a lot faster than Sehun had expected and he finds that he doesn’t have anything that is beach appropriate as he stands in the middle of his cluttered room. Shoes, shirts, and shorts litter his bedroom floor and he half-heartedly kicks at a pile of presumably clean laundry.

Jongin’s going to spend the night at his place; “to make sure you don’t bail out on me” he had so eloquently put it. Sehun scoffs, only to run another hand down his face in repressed exhaustion.


Sehun ends throwing whatever into his backpack when Jongin rings his door bell for their last-minute-but-not-really sleepover plans and the two of them find themselves playing video games all night, the sun peeking through the slits of Sehun’s window blinds. Jongin lets out a gurgle of a sound and mutters how they need to go pick up Chanyeol from his place in a bit.

Within the next hour they’re on their way to Eurwangni beach and Sehun can practically taste the salt in the sea air as Jongin speeds along the high way. The wind and nips at his face and blows around his hair in such a disarray that Sehun has to squint to see the quickly rising sun in the distance. He can hear Chanyeol’s deep laughter in the back seat, barely audible over the obnoxious American rap music Jongin likes to listen to and the wind howling in his ear. Sehun leans into the leather seat comfortabley, head propped up against the head rest as he sticks his hand out of the window, the breeze threading through his fingers.

They’ve brought volleyball nets, beach balls, a tent, a barbeque grill and ice boxes, snorkeling equipment, and surf boards and Sehun suddenly feels excited. There’s barely anyone at the beach seeing as it’s only about 9 in the morning but Jongin had insisted on coming early (finding parking is such a pain in the , he had whined.) He watches as Jongin and Chanyeol argue about how to assemble the tent and eventually Chanyeol wins (he assumes) when he laughs out in glee and snatches the poles from Jongin’s grip.

Chanyeol mentions how everyone is supposed to arrive after noon and Sehun inwardly groans, burying himself in the towels he had laid out earlier. Jongin cackles from somewhere in the background but Sehun’s too tried to give a so he decides on napping instead.

In his dazed state Sehun hears Jongin ask Chanyeol to go surfing with him and with a quick agreement the two grab their boards and have a mad dash towards the deep blue water.

Sehun’s pretty certain that they won’t be back any time soon so he flips onto his back, the bones quietly cracking as he moves his shoulders in circular motion. He glances up at the gigantic yellow umbrella Chanyeol had insisted that they bring and Sehun has half a mind to be a little thankful for that since he hasn’t put on sunscreen yet.

As the afternoon draws closer he can see more and more people trickling into the beach; children run past him with water guns and he can hear the shouts of parents as they lecture their children not to run. Sehun lets out a deep sigh but smiles brightly when he sees Kyungsoo and Sunyoung approaching with lots of shopping bags. Sunyoung’s wearing the obnoxiously big sun hat Baekhyun had gotten her for her birthday last year and Sehun chuckles when she raises her arm to wave him over to help.

By one o’clock most of the people from their class (or was it grade? Sehun can’t remember) have arrived and the beach get together is in full swing. The most popular kpop songs are playing from the speakers Taemin had brought with him and there’s an intense volleyball game going on (Wu fan and Yixing versus Tao and Minseok.)


It’s sometime between the moment when he and Jinri are attempting to build a sandcastle does he feel strong hands grab his biceps and lift him up. Sehun has no time to react when even more hands grab the rest of his limbs, lifting him unceremoniously in the air and taking him towards the edge of the water. He can’t wriggle in their grasps and he’s screaming vulgarities but all the sound is drowned out when his hyungs toss him into the incoming waves and he emerges within a few seconds, mouth spluttering sea water and coughing intensely. Sehun can hear Minseok’s tinkling laughter and Yixing’s rapid Mandarin a few meters away.

The only thing he can do at this point in yell out curse words and launch seaweed at anyone close by.


By early evening Sehun finds himself sitting under the big yellow umbrella again, the sun starting to set and the sky starts to change to a golden hue. His eyes are burning, probably from the salt or the sand, and he keeps trying to rub it away. Nothing really works and he ends up closing his eyes in a futile attempt to ease the pain.

He had seen Soojung arrive around two in the afternoon, her sister Sooyeon tagging along (but then again that was no surprise, the ice queen was dating Wufan after all.) Sehun remembers that her jet black hair was tied up in a high ponytail, the straps of her pink and white polka dot bikini visible underneath her white tank top. Sehun had audibly gulped and ripped his gaze away to prod and pester Sunyoung with questions about the food. Kyungsoo had tsk’ed at him loudly, eyes widening, and Sehun stopped bothering her.

Jongin had eventually pointed out that the only reason he was here was because of Soojung (“I mean in all honestly you never go to parties. Or socialize for that matter, Sehun.”)

It isn’t until Sehun’s squinting at the bonfire Chanyeol had just started and he can smell the meat Kyungsoo was grilling that he hears soft footsteps and a slightly louder thud next to him. Sehun turns, albeit cautiously, and Soojung’s sitting next to him.

He’s frozen Sehun belatedly realizes when Soojung her head to the side and smiles. The setting sun is behind her and he swears that she looked like an angel. She doesn’t say anything and opts to grab his hand instead and places something small in his palm. Soojung’s still smiling, her eyes twinkling, when she closes his fingers around the object.

Its eye drops and Sehun glances up at Soojung’s face and back at the said object in his hand. He probably shouldn’t be confused but he is and it must be obvious because Soojung laughs, the corners of her eyes crinkling.

“I noticed you kept rubbing your eyes since earlier. I was a little worried, to be honest,” Soojung answers, the smile never leaving her face.

Sehun nods dumbly, blinking rapidly and the irritation in his eyes starts burning again. He can feel the tears starting to leak and Soojung sighs audibly, reaching over and mumbling “here, let me…”

She tilts his head back and Sehun remains still and silent, the noise of their classmates drowning out everything else. His senses are in overdrive because every touch of Soojung’s cool fingers against his skin is setting off fireworks and he seriously hopes that she can’t detect his rapid heartbeat. She beckons him to open his eyes so she can drop some of the solution into his eyes and he abides readily. Sehun’s hands are clutching the towel beneath him, the fabric scratchy and sandy.

The cold liquid runs down his cheeks as he blinks, his eyes relived of the pain and he manages a thankful smile to Soojung. She pats him on the arm, touch lingering a bit too long, and tosses the little bottle back into her bag. Sehun had expected her to get up and walk away but she doesn’t and he’s all but intrigued as to why.

Soojung’s eyes are staring at the bonfire, the flames moving with the breeze as Sehun blatantly stares at her profile. The sky is changing to oranges and pinks and purples Sehun notes when he briefly glances up. His fingers are playing with a loose thread on the edge of the towel as Soojung wraps her arms around her legs, chin resting on top of her knees.

“You know,” Soojung begins as a small smile graces her lips, “we’ve been in the same class for the entire year but I don’t even recall talking to you. I’ve talked to Jongin quite a bit, but never you.”

She turns to him and continues, “I wonder… why that is?”

Sehun gulps, the words he had planned on saying dying in his throat as he tries to regain the last bits of his sanity. His mouth gapes open and he shuts it instead, choosing to shrug. This time it’s him staring at the bonfire.


» » »


He’s not sure how he ended up on the apartment’s rooftop as his body mindlessly looks for the metal trashcan that people sometimes use to burn papers and what not. Sehun’s thought process has slowed, nimble fingers lighting a shred of paper and tossing it into the metal container. At his feet are folders and notebooks filled with notes and doodles and just Soojung in every corner. Her straight and tiny handwriting, small words like “good luck!” and “smile more, you ice prince” are scribbled along the margins of his biology notes.

The papers feel more like Soojung but then there’s that gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach and he feels the need to vomit, eyes stinging from the smoke. The heat is warm, comforting in a way, and his body is moving on its own accord again. Sehun hears the slight crack of his back as he bends down to pick up a folder and starts pulling papers out. A few flutter to the ground, the light breeze skittering them away from reaching distance. His hands grasp a few papers and toss them into the flames, burning memories of Soojung writing on his notes, drawing little characters she had named Kai and Luna.

Sehun’s face is stoic as he tosses in the last of the loose leaf sheets, eyes watching the flickering flames as they eat up what’s left of his high school memories.

He doesn’t burn the photos though; he can’t bring himself to do that.

His hands are shaking as he fumbles for the pack of cigarettes in his pocket and it takes him a few times to get the lighter to work. Sehun takes a slow drag from the cancer stick, gaze focused on the twinkling lights of the city behind the screen of smoke. He allows himself to close his eyes and to fall back into the memories (the happiest place on earth, he silently tells himself.)


« « «


Sehun blinks once, twice, three times before his brain has enough time to catch up and he releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He can still feel Soojung’s gaze on him, eyes focused and observing every little detail about him (he wonders if she sees the light scar on his right cheek.)

“I- I don’t know?” his voice is hoarse when he speaks and Sehun can feel himself flushing an unattractive red.

Soojung bobs her head up and down, eyes blinking rapidly and then smiling up at him when she stops moving. She has a nice smile and Sehun immediately flushes a bright red at the thought.

He mentally kicks himself when Soojung scoots a little closer, murmuring about how she’s a little cold, and Sehun sits there like an idiot when her arm lightly touches his.

She leans her head on his shoulder, eyes glancing up “I hope you don’t mind?”

Sehun’s mouth isn’t working anymore so he shakes his head gruffly, earning a light chuckle from Soojung.

He can feel all the blood rushing to his face, warming up his cheeks and he’s pretty positive that his face is an unattractive shade of tomato red.

The fire crackles from a few feet away, the heat a comforting presence as Soojung snuggles closer to his side as she links her arm through Sehun’s. He only hears the loud thumps of his heart in his ears as he tries to control his breathing. Soojung lets out a content sigh, her free hand tracing aimless shapes on the top of his hand. Sehun involuntarily shivers, Soojung’s touch feather-light, as she lets out a few quiet giggles.


» » »


Soojung’s pacing in the living room again, the sounds of her footsteps muffled by the plush white rug near the couch and Sehun wants to rip his hair out in agony.

They’re arguing again. Sehun really hates it when they argue when they’re the most stubborn people their group of friends know.

Soojung is still insisting that he should find a job he loves doing rather than the nine to five business work he had spent the last four years of college preparing for. Sehun groans as he runs a hand through his messy hair. He’s sick and tired of it all, really.

Sehun graduates within the next few months (it’s never too late to change! Soojung insists.) He has tons of final exams, projects, and presentations to prepare for and Soojung’s nagging doesn’t do anything to ease the headache pounding right behind his forehead.

She’s muttering under her breath this time, words coming out as a jumble of nonsense as Sehun watches from the kitchen.

This isn’t the first time that they’ve tried to talk about the future, especially since the wedding is also fast approaching and Sehun assumes that Soojung is just having frazzled nerves. But when the bombardment of questions about his employment doesn’t disappear Sehun’s at his wits end and has no idea what to say or do anymore.

Soojung is still insisting that he take the open dancing instructors position where Jongin currently works at (you love dancing, don’t you? I know you hate accounting and business. I don’t see why you have to do this; we can make it by without that kind of money.)

He lets out a rather loud groan, eyelids feeling sticky when he tries to blink a few times. Soojung’s glaring at him now, her entire body taunt and unmoving. Sehun feels like a gazelle that’s going to be the lion’s dinner. He audibly gulps.

Soojung merely rolls her eyes and walks off to her (their) bedroom and slams the door shut. The echo of the lock turning solidifies the fact that Sehun’s going to have to camp out on the couch tonight.


» » »


Sehun kind of regrets burning all of his notes. If anything, that stupid act has made him even more miserable than before. He thinks he’s lucky that he actually makes it back to his (their) apartment in one piece, physically. Mentally, Sehun can feel all the cracks in the walls and the pieces that scatter the floor.

He rummages through the kitchen cabinets at some point in the night, glass bottles of auburn liquid clinking as Sehun tries to find the biggest bottle of vodka hidden in the back. Soojung never liked it when he drank, but they keep alcohol stocked up for friends and family, just in case.

There’s a loud clatter, the bottle of white wine Soojung is so fond of tips over and leans precariously against the shelf. Sehun glares at it, eyebrows scrunching up in mute concentration but his vision starts to blur so he blinks, grabs a few bottles of soju, and stands up while slamming the door shut with his foot.

He ignores the loud shatter of breaking glass, no doubt that same bottle of white wine. Sehun doesn’t even bother to care about the clear liquid dripping down the wood as he plants himself on the couch. He’s going to make sure he’s going to get so wasted he won’t even remember his own name (or Soojung’s.)


« « «


Sehun’s ears are ringing, the sound high pitched and irritating as Soojung shrieks at him nonsense. He hears her voice but not the words she says and Sehun feels so tired, so very tired. After their last argument they had hardly talked to one another, Sehun going to his classes with panda eyebags as Soojung hides out at the theatre.

He comes home early today and he finds Soojung in their bedroom, riffling through the closet and Sehun doesn’t really know what to think. Soojung jumps, shock marring her features as she takes an involuntary step back when Sehun coughs to get her attention. Her eyes narrow like an angry kitten, the scowl making her forehead wrinkle.

Sehun blinks, his throat dry and tongue heavy when he tries to form a coherent sentence.

He settles on “how have you been?”

Soojung’s face falls, the scowl deflating as her infamous neutral mask from high school is there in a flash. Sehun wants to cry, to gather her up in his arms and pepper her face with kisses and whisper “I’m sorry” and “I love you” into her ear. Instead he stays rooted to the floor, the right side of his body being supported by the door frame.

She lets out a dramatic sigh, “Seriously, Sehun? Is that the only thing you can think of to say to me when I’ve been gone for nearly a fortnight?” The disappointment is evident in her eyes and Sehun wants to curl into a ball and die.

He’s never been good with words; Soojung knows that, she knows him best after all. Sehun blinks back the tears that threaten to fall, breath becoming slightly irregular. Soojung continues to stare at him though, and it takes him a moment to notice the travel bag at her feet and the blouse she was gripping.

She glances at what Sehun’s looking at, her nonchalant mask still in place as she casually says “I’m going to the country side with Jinri and Sunyoung for a week, don’t wait up.”

Sehun’s mouth is left agape as Soojung tosses the blouse, along with a few other articles of clothing, and zips up the bag with a note of finality. She approaches him extra cautiously and tentatively reaches up to ghosts her fingers across his cheek, across the small scar Sehun was almost certain Soojung never really notices.

She offers him a half smile and sweeps out of the room, the hem of her sundress lightly brushes against his knuckles.

The front door closes with a soft click and Sehun’s left staring at the white closet doors, the white walls, and the white bed spread. Everything is white, white, white and it makes him nauseous.



“Hello, is this,” a shuffle of papers and a clearing of the throat, “Oh Sehun?”

Sehun pulls his phone away from his ear confused as he stares at the device for a heartbeat and replies, “Yes, this is Oh Sehun? May I ask who this is?”

“Yes, I am Lee Jinki, the doctor on duty at the major hospital in Seoul. I was wondering if you knew a person by the name of Jung Soojung? You were listed first in her contacts.” There’s a pause as Jinki waits for a reply.

“I- uh, yes. I’m her fiancé. Did something happen?” he responds slowly, his stutter evident as he feels his heart sinking to his feet.

Jinki continues, “I’m sorry to inform you that Jung Soojung was involved in a major accident involving the vehicle she was traveling in being hit by an oncoming bus. The bus driver was intoxicated, I believe.”

Sehun inhales sharply, hand shaking as he tries to gather his bearings and to not drop his phone onto the floor. “Is she okay? Is anything wrong? Doctor, please tell me Soojung is fine, please, please, please.” He’s leaning against the wall of their bedroom now, eyes boring into his reflection across the way.

He hears the doctor take a deep breath, “I’m so very sorry to tell you this but she did not make it. We did everything we could do but the impact from the bus hitting her side of the vehicle was extremely deadly…”

Jinki’s voice trails off as the mobile clatters to the ground, touch screen scrapping against the wooden floor boards. Knees suddenly weak, Sehun slides down against the wall shell shocked and in utter dejected. The crack in his heart is suddenly an endless void of nothingness.

When Sehun looks up to glance at his reflection even his eyes are dead now.

He ignores the persistent questions from the doctor that asks if he’s alright.

Sehun doesn’t think he’ll be alright for a long time.



Somehow Sehun manages to drag himself to the nearest bar to wallow in self-hatred and soon enough the whisky that burns his throat as he inhales shot glass after shot glass all but disappears. The glass makes a loud clattering noise but the bartender doesn’t even spare him a second glance, eyes taking in his mussed hair and blood shot eyes.

At some point during the night Junmyeon and Kyungsoo find him completely wasted at the bar, body slouched in an odd position on his stool, face lying against the cool wood.

Apparently he had passed out from drinking so much alcohol and Sehun can hear the disappointment dripping in his hyung’s voice. He hears the clatter of pots and assumes that Kyungsoo is cooking him something; most likely a soup for his massive hangover.

There’s a dull ache in his head as Sehun tries to recall what had happened after he had gotten to the bar. All he manages to draw up is a giant black blank and Sehun suddenly feels like vomiting.

Junmyeon soothingly rubs circles on his back as Sehun retches and buries his face into his hands, hot tears leaving his eyes and making their way through the cracks of their fingers. The sobs aren’t quite enough to be muffled; it’s to the point that he really doesn’t care and soon the waves of emotion (anger, sadness) are overwhelming his sense and Sehun’s clutching to Junmyeon for dear life.

His hyung doesn’t do anything besides murmuring soothing words into his ear as he pulls Sehun closer to his chest, the younger man burying his face into the crook of his neck.

“Sehun-ah,” Junmyeon attempts to try to sound lighthearted, “don’t drink so much anymore okay?” He lets out a strangled laugh and Sehun balls his hands into fists, the fabric of Junmyeon’s shirt starchy and dry underneath his fingers.


» » »


The scene before Junmyeon seems all too familiar; the only difference this time is that it’s in Sehun’s living room rather than some run down bar off an alley way. He sighs as Kyungsoo peers from behind him, eyes glancing at the mess in the kitchen to the tornado that’s on the couch.

After a few moments of silence Junmyeon lets out a shaky breath and makes his way over to the figure slouched against the couch that has legs tucked under the glass coffee table. Soju bottles litter the top of the glass coffee table and he finds the expensive vodka bottle empty at the leg of the table. Junmyeon lightly shakes Sehun before the figure stirs.

Red rimmed and bloodshot eyes meet his gaze and Sehun flashes him a small smile as he mutters “hyung” and rests his forehead against the glass.

Eventually Junmyeon’s patience has worn thin and he’s just really fed up with Sehun moping around and wasting away his life. He groans loudly and roughly shoves Sehun in the shoulder. It takes a moment for Sehun to gather himself mentally before he glares at him, but Junmyeon’s so done with everything that he’s not even sure about what he’s saying anymore.

“Sehun, seriously, I just,” Junmyeon mutters and it takes him a few beats before he’s able to piece together what he has to say. Sehun observes nonchalantly, face frozen.

“You need to get over this,” Junmyeon states as he looks into Sehun’s eyes; the serious look in them is enough to sober Sehun up.

Junmyeon continues, “I know you love Soojung, very much so, but it’s been six months since her death. Your mourning for her, no-your moping is just ridiculous. You’re not even doing anything anymore. You need to pull yourself together; gather up all the broken pieces of yourself and put them back together. It’s not going to be easy, but please, Sehun, get a grip on yourself. I’m tired of watching you fall apart and turn into skin and bones; a walking corpse.” Junmyeon’s gripping his shoulders now, finger nails digging into the pale flesh and Sehun winces.

Sehun draws in a shaky breath, hands trembling as they move to grip Junmyeon’s forearms.

“But hyung,” Sehun manages to eke out before hiccupping, “we were supposed to get married a month later. It was our wedding day, we were planning our future. Soojung even had names for our future kids picked out.” Sobs wrack his body, the hot tears an unstoppable waterfall and soon Junmyeon is crying too, clutching Sehun to his body.

Between sniffles and hiccups and half-sobs, Junmyeon convinces Sehun to try to forgive himself (Soojung wouldn’t want you to be like this, you know that.)


» » »


It takes a lot of effort and quite a bit of poking and prodding from Jongin and Baekhyun (no doubt from Junmyeon’s strict orders to get Sehun out of the house) that Sehun makes his way up the small grassy hill to Soojung.

Sehun contentedly sighs as a light breeze caresses his face and he’s vaguely reminded of Soojung, soft finger tips feathering across his cheeks. He leans against the grassy mound, eyes fixed on the clouds moving across the blue sky. Sehun allows himself to smile for once, the grass scratching at his neck and probably gathering in his hair.

The sunshine is hot and bright, just like the summers from long ago and a familiar feeling washes over him. It’s calming, laying here next to Soojung and counting the clouds. It’s a like high school all over again, in a way. Nostalgic.

He rolls onto his side, right hand fondly grazing the grass as sweet memories of Soojung fills his mind; from their first date to their first kiss to the night he had proposed to her in front of their closest friends, he remembers it all.

“Hey Soojung, you can hear me right? It’s your fiancé, no, husband, that you love so much.”

The wind whistles, leaves from a nearby tree rattle from the sudden gust.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry. For not coming to see you sooner, I mean.” Sehun chuckles halfheartedly. “It took a lot longer than I had anticipated to pull myself together, y’know? I was never great with words. Junmyeon hyung was the one who brought me to my senses after six long and lonely months. Soojung, you know I miss you right?”

Sehun stops running his fingers through the grass and flops onto his back again, arms coming up to pillow his head.

“You were right, Soojung, like you always are. I wasn’t happy with working as a meager office worker, only working to save and to have a good retirement. Remember you’d always say ‘retirement? You’re young now! Live your life, there’s only so much you can do before you grow old.’?”

“I really miss you Soojung, a lot. I was looking forward to seeing you walk down that aisle in your wedding dress that you didn’t let me see. I couldn’t wait to go on our honeymoon, to hold your hand and see that wedding band on your finger. I was excited for the future, for the kids we were going to have, a little boy and a little girl, and maybe a third if you wanted.”

“Soojung, you know that part time job at the studio Jongin works at? Well, I was thinking that I’d start working there, to “find myself” or something. Kyungsoo always has had this thing with spouting metaphorical nonsense.”

“I just, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything, really; for all the things that I had done to hurt you and for the things that I could have done to make you happier. But you know what? If there’s one thing I don’t regret it’s that I don’t regret meeting you and falling in love with you. I know its cliché, but Soojung you were my shooting star; the bright light in the sky that would always be there no matter what.”

“Junmyeon hyung said that it’s going to be difficult adjusting to not having you in my life, but I think I’m doing fine. I’m seeing a counselor right now, his name is Kim Jongdae, and he’s a really nice man. I think you’d like him, Soojung, really. But… Soojung, Jung Soojung, I don’t want to worry you anymore. I’m getting better, I promise, really.”

“I’m going to be fine.”