I know that I wrote a slight warning in the last chapter but I'll say it again, this is a little darker than the rest of the fic, by this I mean mentions of self-harm... This shouldn't be distressing for anyone because it isn't heavy (that's personal opinion though) but if it is (even the idea of it) and you don't want to read it then I understand, though you can message me if you want to know what happens. Also, I'll just point out that it can't really be too heavy as it's not rated M. Though I'll give you a spoiler, this chapter does get lighter!

How could I have been so stupid? Who makes such a big mistake? Jongdae scolded himself mentally. How had he managed to mistake depression for mania? They are complete opposites. No one was stupid enough to mix the two up, though apparently he was. He suddenly felt weak, so he perched on the edge of the sofa.

“Well, I took her to the doctors yesterday and they sent her up to the psychiatric unit, it was there that they decided that they want to admit her to a partnering psychiatric hospital.” His father had stated. Jongdae felt choked, remembering the last time she had been sent there. He was eight, when she went, and had left him to live in the house practically by himself for nearly two years because his brother was rarely there and his father never seemed to be around. During that time, he himself had felt low, and what had pushed him lower, was the phone calls from her, in the first one she had told him that she hated the place, it was like her own living hell, and that she hated his father for sending her there. He remembered sadly that he had been a little confused about it, and all the others like it, his father had told him that she was going somewhere good for her, a place that would bring back her smile but the words she spoke made it seem terrible. Maybe it really had been, not that he would know because he had dropped the phone and broken down in the hallway, leaning against the wall as he cried into his hands. “She spoke with mental health professionals” His father had gone on to say, snapping Jongdae back to the present. “They told me after that she knew what she was doing when she stopped taking them and she knew that she was depressed, what made us mistake it for mania was that she acted like it on purpose to make us think that” He stated. Jongdae swallowed, that was as far as they had gotten before he had nearly dropped the phone.

“Why would she do that?” Jongdae asked quietly, feeling like his eight year old self that had asked the same question upon discovering his mother sobbing on the floor of the bathroom, a pill bottle lying next to her.

“She told them something about how we treated her, as if we had to walk on egg shells around her. Though I believe, and the professional said it was possible, that she did this to cover up that she was depressed because she wanted to harm herself” His father commented. The words hit Jongdae hard, harder than he thought because he was ready to hang up and give in to his desire to cry. His own mother, wanting to harm herself, and he believed himself to be partly to blame as a result of not being the perfect son. Jongdae felt his stomach churn and he almost felt the need to run to the bathroom. “S-She…” He trailed off weakly. “Herself?” His voice wavered.

“Jongdae, she’s going tomorrow” His father stated. Each word was a pull at his seams and this new piece of information served only to harshly rip them open.

“Tomorrow? But I’ll be in school! I won’t be able to see her!” Jongdae replied.

“Why don’t you come over now then?” His father asked. Jongdae looked at the time, it wasn’t particularly late though it would be dark outside as well as cold. “I’ll be over as soon as I can” He said before hanging up. He stood up whilst taking a deep breath and wiping the stray tears from his eyes as he suppressed more. Having his mask in place, he walked into the hallway and slipped his shoes on, just as Minseok came downstairs. He looked up at Jongdae in surprise. “Has something happened?” He asked.

“No, I just want to go for a walk” Jongdae lied before flashing the older a smile and walking out, not giving Minseok the chance to offer to join him. He felt guilty for lying but he couldn’t be honest, if he had been then his mask would have shattered and he would have crumbled to the floor in front of older male. He walked quickly, wanting to get there as soon as possible, desperately wanting to see if his father was right and not because of the cold that gripped him as a result of walking out in a short sleeved t-shirt and thin jeans.

When he arrived at the house, he knocked and waited for someone to answer the door. It was pulled open minutes later by his father. “She’s in the living room.” He stated quietly as he closed the door behind Jongdae who nodded as he slipped his shoes off. The house was the same as when he had left, having not been gone long contributed to this, though the cold atmosphere still remained. He ran a hand through his hair, reminding himself that this had happened before. Stepping into the living room, he noticed that she had obviously given up pretending as she was curled up on the sofa, tiredly watching the television in her pyjamas. “Hi mum” Jongdae smiled as he sat down next to her, wanting to be light and see if he could at least help a little before leaving. Her gaze flickered to him quickly before going back to the television screen. She didn’t reply. “Father told me about you going tomorrow…” He stated awkwardly. She seemed disinterested, still watching the television. “Um” He didn’t know what to say. “Mum?” He questioned if she was even listening.

“What? For god sake Jongdae, we’ve been through this already, just shut up and say bye, leave me alone again like you always do” She snapped. Jongdae flinched at her words, cutting deeper than the words he thought she would have spoken. He looked down at his hands, wishing this didn’t have to happen like this. “I’ve never done that” He said quietly.

“Yes you have, you do it all the time. Whenever I need you, you all send me away” She muttered.

“It’s to help you, we only want you to be ok, to get your smile back, that’s all” He tried, knowing that she meant the times that she had been inside a psychiatric hospital. Just knowing that she needed to go to one hurt.

“No, if you really wanted to see me smile then you’d let me stay here and be the perfect son” She replied.

“You know that wouldn’t change anything” He commented, he had already been trying that for a few years now.

“Has it changed Minseok?” She asked. Jongdae’s eyes widened at the mention of the other’s name.

“What?” He asked back.

“You went to stay with him, to make him smile again, you didn’t send him away, is he smiling?” She questioned. He found that all he could do was blink in response, she was right, he had begun smiling again, although they were only small. But that’s different! His mind reminded him. He mentally shook himself. “No, this is different” He stated, finding his voice.

“The only difference is that you think I’m a mental case that needs locking up, thanks so much son” She replied, putting emphasis on ‘son’ which stung him, she rarely even paid attention to him and now she was opening declaring that he was meant to be the perfect son and that he was actually even her son, when she had never even spared him a second thought before.

“I don’t think that! I just think that you’re my mother and you need a little help” He blurted, speaking before he thought about it, he just needed her to understand that he didn’t want this, of course he didn’t, he didn’t want to think of her locked in a room somewhere by herself but that this was for her, to make her feel better again.

“I need help? So I’m incapable?” Her eyes narrowed.

“No! That’s not what I meant!” Jongdae said loudly, she always managed to twist his words, well, whenever she had bothered to pay attention to anything he said.

“Get out” She spoke quietly. “I’ll be better off in that hell, at least I’ll be somewhere that should be watching me but isn’t, it’ll give me the time to do what I want” She stated. Jongdae’s gaze snapped up to meet her gaze, looking at her in shock as he knew what she meant. “No, don’t… don’t say that” He said softly, his hands balling up into fists on his lap as he forced himself to stay in control of his emotions. “They’re there to help you” He continued. “Please, don’t hurt yourself” He practically begged.

“What does it matter to you?” She snapped.

“I care about you, please, don’t talk like this” Jongdae’s voice wavered and he knew that he was on the verge of tears.

“Just leave already, I don’t want to see you anymore” She commented.

“I’m sorry, I just… Goodbye mother, I hope you get better” He mumbled before dashing into the hallway, unable to stop himself anymore as the first tear fell. He slipped his shoes on before running out, not letting any of his family members see him, including his brother who was sat on the stairs. He couldn’t do this again, not all the phone calls that ripped him apart, not the emptiness of it all. He felt foolish enough just because he turned up, he should have said no, he should have said that he was busy. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so badly. How else could that have ended? He couldn’t really see where he was going, his vision blurred by the tears that wouldn’t stop. It was in that moment, as he ran, that he realised he needed Minseok, now more than ever.

-

Finally arriving back at Minseok’s, he reached forward to knock on the door but it was thrown open before he could, revealing Minseok. “Hey-” Minseok was cut off as Jongdae all but clung to him. He pushed the door so it would close on its own before trying to tug Jongdae away from him so he could see his face, but he refused, instead gripping the older tighter. “Jongdae, what’s wrong?” Minseok asked worriedly. Jongdae didn’t reply, though Minseok knew that he had begun crying harder. “Come on, let’s go and sit down” Minseok tried to move them though Jongdae remained rooted to the floor. “If you won’t move then fine” Minseok muttered as he forced Jongdae to break away from him before stooping to scoop him up, beginning to walk upstairs with him. He thanked his strength as he climbed the stairs, it wasn’t that Jongdae was heavy, it was just the fact that he was taller that made this difficult. Though he managed to manoeuvre himself, with Jongdae in his arms, into his bedroom before placing the younger down on the bed. He walked around to the other side and laid next to him, wrapping his arms around him after a couple of seconds. He knew from experience that after crying so much you normally fall asleep so that was why he had brought him upstairs. “Hey” Minseok said softly. “What happened because I’m guessing you didn’t go for a walk?” He asked quietly.

“I’m sorry I lied to you” Jongdae mumbled against the elder’s neck.

“It’s fine” Minseok said quietly. Jongdae slowly pulled himself away a little so he could look at Minseok who gave a small encouraging smile as he wiped away Jongdae’s tears, an action which a couple of hours ago had been pleasant, happy even. Jongdae slowly, shakily, told Minseok about visiting his mother and what had been said. Minseok had remained silent, nodding and giving comforting squeezes whenever he thought necessary, he knew that this was Jongdae letting him inside.

“This has happened before, hasn’t it?” Minseok asked softly. Jongdae nodded. “Just think though, this time, she’ll get the help that she needs and come back” Minseok said quietly.

“We thought that last time” Jongdae replied as he looked down.

“Just do it for one more” Minseok stated. “There isn’t anything you can do, it’s out of your hands so don’t blame yourself for whatever happens” He added.

“What if she does hurt herself?” Jongdae asked in a small voice, tears threatening to fall once more.

“I’m sure that all she really wants is to be happy. If she does hurt herself, which I don’t think is possible, then she obviously doesn’t intend for it to hurt you too. She’s in pain, and I know that it tears you up inside, to know that she’s thinking that way right now but you have to understand, you need to, that she’ll get better. Everyone may say this and I know people say it way too much but it gets better, not for everyone, but for you mother, I think that because she has you and the rest of your family, that she’ll pull through” Minseok was running out of breath by the end of it. He wanted Jongdae to know that he cared, so much.

“How am I supposed to live with that though?” Jongdae asked as a stray tear slipped down his cheek.

“Live with what?” Minseok asked back, brushing the tear away.

“Live with the fact that she’s locked away somewhere, miserable, and I’m out here acting as though everything’s fine?” Jongdae replied.

“Jongdae, you’re not acting right now, you’re not fine and no one expects you to put on a smile and pretend everything’s ok, so let your mask go and just breathe” Minseok said quietly. Jongdae looked at the older male, meeting warm brown eyes that only held worry. “There’s always hope, nothing’s ever hopeless” Minseok added. Sure he thought differently about his own situation but the statement was true for Jongdae.

“Everything’s hopeless, it’s hopeless thinking that she’ll begin taking her medication again, I mean, it would amazing if there was a cure…” Jongdae commented before thinking over what Minseok had just said. Had he mentioned his mask..?

“It isn’t hopeless, she might find her strength” Minseok replied.

“No one expects me to put on a smile?” Jongdae pulled away from Minseok even more, his eyebrows furrowing.

“No one does, not at this moment anyway” Minseok commented.

“Of courses they do, don’t you get it? All she wants from me is for me to be the perfect son, a perfect son doesn’t show that everything’s not alright” Jongdae stated.

“Jongdae, you know what I mean, right here, right now, no one expects you to smile” Minseok replied. Jongdae nodded in understanding before going back to lay close to the other.

“I forgot how tiring crying was” He commented.

“I know, takes it out of you, doesn’t it?” Minseok stated. Jongdae looked at him concerned. “Don’t worry about me, I’m not going to start crying on you” Minseok gave a soft chuckle.

“No, it’s just how used to it you are” Jongdae replied quietly.

“I know, but let’s not think for a while, yeah?” Minseok quickly pulled the covers over them.

“You mean sleep?” Jongdae watched Minseok lean away to flick at the light switch by his bed.

“You need some” Minseok commented as he wriggled closer to Jongdae.

“Thank you Minnie” Jongdae mumbled as his eyelids grew heavy.

“You would do the same for me” Minseok replied sleepily. The last thought between them before they fell asleep was that creating their own little world seemed like the perfect idea at the moment.

-

When Minseok woke the next morning, he was surprised to find the space next to him empty. He rubbed his eyes and sat up. “Ah, I was about to wake you” Jongdae’s voice came from the doorway.

“What are you doing?” Minseok asked.

“I made you breakfast” Jongdae gave a sheepish smile before revealing the tray in his hands which had been hidden by the fact that he had been standing sideways.

“You-? You didn’t have to” Minseok commented as he watched Jongdae walk over to the bed.

“I wanted to, to say thank you because it’s the only way I can think of” Jongdae replied as he placed the tray on Minseok’s lap.

“Thank me? Seriously Jongdae, you don’t have to” Minseok stated.

“Shall I take this away then?” Jongdae joked.

“No, come and sit next to me” Minseok commented. He felt his heart tug, Jongdae was acting as though everything was fine again, the only acknowledgement of last night was the reason for the breakfast. “How are you feeling this morning?” Minseok asked.

“I’m fine” Jongdae replied.

“Jongdae” Minseok said warningly before hearing Jongdae let out a soft sigh.

“I just don’t want to think about it, if I put it out of my mind then everything seems fine” He commented.

“Just try not to think of it too negatively, ok? She’s getting help” Minseok looked up from the food to Jongdae.

“I know, it’s what I keep repeating in my head” Jongdae replied. Minseok nodded before beginning to eat.

“I didn’t even know that you knew how to make pancakes” Minseok commented. Jongdae smirked.

“Neither did I” He stated. “I looked it up” He added. Minseok chuckled before turning to Jongdae slightly and holding up his fork. “What are you doing?” Jongdae asked.

“Feeding you” Minseok gave a small smile. “I know as a fact that you made this, not just to say thank you, but to cover up the fact that you haven’t eaten” He added before holding the fork to Jongdae’s lips. Jongdae shook his head, silently refusing it. “You’re going to eat it whether you want to or not” Minseok commented. Jongdae looked at him before giving in and parting his lips. Minseok fed him a few more pieces before finishing it himself. “We should probably get ready for school” He commented before halting his thoughts. What if Jongdae wasn’t ready to face everyone yet? Having your mask broken wasn’t easily repaired, especially not overnight. He of all people knew that. “Actually, let’s skip” He decided.

“What?” Jongdae’s eyes widened.

“Let’s take the day off” Minseok stated. “Face it, we both need it” He added when he saw Jongdae getting ready to argue.

“I guess so” Jongdae replied as he took the tray from Minseok. Jongdae set off back towards the kitchen, Minseok climbing out of bed to trail behind. He swiped the house phone as he went. “I’ll phone first and then you can after” He announced before finding the number of the school on the fridge and punching the numbers in. He waited patiently as it began ringing. “Hello?” A woman’s voice greeted.

“Hello” Minseok greeted back, unsure of who to say he was. He looked at Jongdae panicked. “This is Kim Minseok’s father, I’m calling to inform you that he cannot make it in today” He added, making his voice deeper, shrugging at Jongdae.

“Ah, hello sir, what is the reason for his absence?” She asked.

“He’s…” Minseok looked at Jongdae wide eyed, needing an excuse. “He’s ill at the moment, stomach bug” He decided.

“Right, that’s fine, I hope he gets better soon” She replied.

“Yes, thank you, goodbye” Minseok hung up. Jongdae chuckled at him.

“What was that?” He asked.

“What? I didn’t know what to say!” Minseok flushed before handing the phone to Jongdae who took it and hit redial.

“Hello?” A woman’s voice greeted.

“Hi” Jongdae replied, deciding to make Minseok smile, not wanting to bring the other down. “This is Kim Jongdae’s mother” He added, voice going higher in pitch, watching as Minseok slapped a hand over his mouth and tried to quieten his laughter. “I’m afraid he’s caught an illness” He added.

“Ah right, we’ve just had a similar phone call, could it be a stomach bug?” The woman asked.

“Ah, that would seem it” Jongdae replied.

“Ok, well I hope he gets better soon” The woman commented.

“Thank you” Jongdae hung up, watching in slight amusement as Minseok fell against the counter, unable to hold in his laughter any longer.

“You… You sounded terrible!” Minseok spoke through his laughter.

“Hey, I did a better job at the opposite than you with the same ” Jongdae replied, holding his head high before giving a soft laugh.

“Jongdae, did you want to go to your mother once more? Just to see her at the hospital” Minseok asked, bringing them both back to the real reason for their absence.

“I don’t think I can” Jongdae shook his head before gulping.

“It’s fine, let’s just do something today then” Minseok replied, wanting to change the topic.

“How about we just watch films?” Jongdae asked, deciding that he really didn’t want to do anything. Minseok nodded.

“Let me just go get dressed” He commented before turning around.

“Let’s stay in our pyjamas” Jongdae replied.

“You’re really going all out lazy today, aren’t you?” Minseok turned back.

“I just…” Jongdae trailed off, the image of his mother sat on the sofa in her pyjamas as she bored holes into the television springing to mind.

“What?” Minseok stepped closer. Jongdae blinked, was he turning into his mother?

“Let’s get changed” Jongdae stated. Minseok nodded, deciding to let Jongdae decide everything today. Minseok reached forward, taking Jongdae’s hand in his own before pulling him upstairs to get changed.

-

They soon found themselves on the sofa, watching an action film, though neither of them were particularly paying attention to it. Jongdae’s heart was heavy as he thought about his mother and the fact that he might not see her for a while whilst Minseok’s thoughts consisted of worrying about Jongdae, instantly pushing away any reminders of his own pain. Jongdae was technically losing his mother today, although not permanently, like Minseok. Without even realising, Minseok had subconsciously reached over and taken Jongdae’s hand again. Jongdae let out a small gasp of surprise, looking over at Minseok. He looked down at their entwined fingers and gave a small smile, Minseok being there was enough to make him smile but taking his hand? Wasn’t that something you did when you’re intimate with someone? Wouldn’t that mean that they were close?

Minseok looked over at Jongdae, seeing a rare true smile that made one appear on his own lips. His gaze quickly flickered to the film, seeing the protagonist and the girl giving each other a kiss in case they didn’t make it. He looked back to Jongdae’s lips, his smile made him feel as though he could fall… His eyes widened at the thought, was he falling? He had never really had a relationship before, he always stuttered and became a nervous wreck. He panicked briefly, wondering if he was suddenly going to become a nervous wreck again. He shook himself mentally, of course he wasn’t, he was being foolish. Could he even mention it? The four letter word, love? He felt his face heat up, he was acting like a schoolgirl with a crush. With everything coming down, why not believe in love? If you fall, he might catch you. His mind whispered to him, he wanted to give into the tempting idea of being in love with Jongdae, the other already made him feel less alone so why not go one step further? Minseok continued to watch Jongdae. “Will you catch me?” Minseok asked quietly.

“Why would I need to catch you?” Jongdae asked back as he looked at Minseok worriedly, wondering what the other was thinking about.

“If I ever fell, would you catch me?” Minseok questioned.

“Of course I’d catch you” Jongdae replied.

“Really?” Jongdae continued to gaze at Minseok, watching his eyes light up with hope.

“Yes” Jongdae stated. “I wouldn’t think twice about it, why? You’re not planning on hurting yourself are you?” He asked, thinking about how devastating it would be to find out that there was more than one person in his life thinking like that.

“No! Of course not! I was just wondering…” Minseok hurriedly replied, feeling guilty for phrasing as he did.

“Ah, don’t think about those sorts of things” Jongdae stated.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that” Minseok mumbled as his cheeks flushed.

“Oh, how did you mean then?” Jongdae asked, turning to look at the older male.

“I just meant… metaphorically, you know?” Minseok replied.

“Ah” Jongdae nodded.

“Forget I said anything” Jongdae watched as the red in Minseok’s cheeks darkened.

They both let the conversation drop, Minseok scolding himself for bringing up something so petty whilst Jongdae wondered about Minseok’s metaphor. What if his first thoughts had been true? “Minnie” Jongdae began nervously. “Would you ever hurt yourself?” He asked quietly.

“What? No, of course I wouldn’t” Minseok replied quickly. “Why?” He asked.

“It’s just… what you said just now and I mean… it’s how some people cope” Jongdae mumbled.

“No! Jongdae, I would never, I wouldn’t even consider it. With them being gone, hurting myself kind of throws everything they ever did for me back in their faces, doesn’t it?” Minseok commented.

“Ah, ok” Jongdae replied.

“Would you?” Minseok asked.

“W-What?” Jongdae was caught off guard, he didn’t think about it but he wasn’t expecting to be asked about it. “No” He stated.

“Why did you look so surprised?” Minseok questioned.

“I just weren’t expecting you to ask.” Jongdae replied. “I promise I’ve never even considered doing it” He added.

“Ok” Minseok nodded.

“I just… I worry, way too much probably, and now with everything happening as it is…” Jongdae commented.

“You’re worrying even more now, aren’t you?” Minseok asked as he gave Jongdae’s hand a reassuring squeeze. Jongdae nodded. “You don’t need to, if anything, you should be preparing yourself for the twenty questions from everyone tomorrow” Minseok stated.

“Oh god! What are we supposed to say?” Jongdae asked, having not even thought about it.

“We tell them what we told that woman, we had a stomach bug” Minseok commented. Jongdae nodded again. “The films ended” Minseok pointed out as he stared at the menu screen.

“Did you even pay attention to any of that?” Jongdae asked.

“No, I take it you didn’t either?” Minseok glanced at the younger as he got up.

“Maybe” Jongdae replied.

“Did you want to watch another one or just give up altogether and sit in silence?” Minseok asked. “It is meant to be golden” He added.

“Or excruciatingly painful” Jongdae replied.

“How so?” Minseok asked.

“Well think about it, it means the only noise would be your thoughts and imagine if they took a dark turn” Jongdae commented. Minseok swallowed, remembering the silence before Jongdae had arrived.

“I change my mind, we’re putting another on” Minseok stated as he grabbed the first DVD he looked at. He inserted the disk before going to sit back down, this time sitting closer than before to Jongdae. “What changed your mind?” Jongdae asked, seeking out Minseok’s hand again, enjoying the warmth it gave.

“I… It’s nothing” Minseok replied.

“Minnie, tell me” Jongdae instructed.

“It’s just, before you came, I spent all the time in silence and I don’t want it to be like that again” Minseok said quietly.

“Silence doesn’t have to be like that, I was just being negative, I’m sorry” Jongdae apologised.

“No, its fine, but its true” Minseok replied.

“It can be, it depends on if you’re alone or not” Jongdae commented. “And you’re not alone” He added, returning the gesture from earlier, giving Minseok’s hand a squeeze. He watched as Minseok looked down at their hands before following his arm up, finally meeting his gaze. Jongdae knew that he had let the other inside, he was one person that he was willing to let see behind the mask. Minseok had finally seen him at his most vulnerable state, he had even eased the pain.

And if Jongdae was being honest, he was glad that Minseok had found a way inside, because he didn’t want to think about what would have happened if it had taken any longer.

Okay, so about now I have a feeling you're wondering why I bothered putting warning... That warning way too long as well... I'll admit, I've written darker but when it came to it, I didn't think suddenly turning it extremely dark would benefit the plot in any way so I'm sorry if that was what any of you were looking for! I was just worried about someone reading it and getting distressed about it, that's why I put a note (obviously!)

Anyway... I just wanted to mention something from in the fic, when Minseok talks about how harming himself would be like throwing everything back in his parent's faces, that wasn't meant to sound harsh or anything, all I mean by it is that he's trying to have a positive outlook on life, meaning that he wants to appreciate it as he's thankful to be alive, even if his parents aren't.

I think this is the longest author's note I've written... Though I did update this quite quickly (I felt bad for making you wait because I feel like this chapter is going to disappoint) But hey look! A dash of romance!

I'll just leave now... Let me know you're thoughts! ^^