Picturesque Supernova

Author: -heartfelt

Reviewer: dooyoomilk

This genre (psychological horror) is my favorite genre in everything:D I had one heck of a time reviewing this haha! And you asked for a strict review so you're stuck with me ;__; Your story was amazing- I can even say it was one of the best I read- but I'm going to be extremely nitpicky for that reason. If a story is not well-written, I won't pay attention to little things because the general plot is what has an issue. But your story was so good, I was just focusing on small details. In fact, most of the reasons I deducted points were opinionated, so realize that your story was near perfect. (But I'm just a butthole XD)

And I saw your other reviews but you didn't correct the grammar issue they said was wrong ): Naturally, it's going to come up again here.

Title: 4.8/5

The title was what made me want to review your fanfic first, so *applaud* that is one amazing title ! It expressed your story pretty well without revealing too much and made me wonder what kind of story it would be. Basically, it MADE me click the story, which is impressive because it's a stunt difficult to pull for most authors. The 'Supernova' part of the title really got to me, because it showed what Junhong wanted to do when he became beautiful- radiate and show off the world. I was debating whether or not I should deduct points because the story had contrast, like him feeling beautiful when he wasn't, him feeling ugly when he wasn't, so I thought it might have been better if the title had contrast as well. 'Picturesque' and 'supernova' gave off an aura of a superstar because both words are extremely positive, and I wasn't sure if that was what you wanted to tell about the story.  I actually saw what you were trying to do because Junhong probably did feel like a picturesque supernova at the moment he stepped outside, but I felt like it didn't quite capture the mood of what the general plot is about.  But taking off 0.2 is a pretty move, and it was like taking off a point because one sprinkle was out of place on a cupcake. Again, these errors are really minor and I'm being really nitpicky. The title was near perfect ! :D

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Appearance: 4.5/5

The first thing I saw was the poster, which immediately pulled me in so kudos to the artist/designer ! The background was great; it held the mood of the story and gave me an idea of what how it was going to be written. Great font size, choice, and color ! It sounds weird, but the font color and choice does affect the readers. (Well, at least, it affects me). The gray color set the tone beautifully, and the font choice was simple and easy to read. The spacing was nicely done, and it didn't turn me away by being too close together. The italicism was in all the right places (thank you for not overdoing it XD).  But the reason I deducted 0.5 was not because I'm an , (:D) but because I'm a cake-loving bastard. LOL jaykay(: It was because the 'ashes, ashes, we all fall down' was overlapping each other. It turned me off a little bit because it seemed hastily put together, so I think if you fix that the appearance will be perfect !

>Did you highlight the words peach? Because it looked like that on my phone, but it didn't on the computer. If you did, I don't think it's necessary, especially if it's in peach XD But if you didn't, then let's move along haha:D<

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Foreword+Description: 8.5/10

*clapclapclapclap* Your description was great ! For one thing, it was short, to the point, and interesting all at the same time, which is, again, something difficult to pull off. (I think only really good authors can do that- for example, EXOBubz). I'm glad you didn't drag it, because doing so would make me want to leave right away.  To be fair, this was probably easier because it was a oneshot, but great job nevertheless. The description told the plot of the story without revealing what he actually does, or how the story would turn out. It definitely caught my interest because that phrase "- Then he finds a way to change that" made me think: how?

On the other hand, I had some issues with the foreword. For the most part, it was information about the fanfic, but that didn't hurt your points because it wasn't really bad or good. But I was really confused on the "-an explosion of beauty; of which is a creation of beauty" because it didn't relate to the plot and it didn't make sense. It would probably be better to leave that out because I think you'll be affecting the reader's' first impression, which is a big fat nono. Also, the question "Don't you shiver?" doesn't have to be there. I don't think it served any purpose and it bothered me because it wasn't capitalized and worded incorrectly XD. But I'll talk about that further in the grammar section.

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Grammar: 8/10

Ta-Dah! It's the grammar section!

All of the errors were minor, but errors are errors so I had to subtract some points.):

Okay so I had to keep going back and forth from your story to your foreword and I was getting really irritated with the "Don't you shiver" thing XD. It really didn't make sense (Okay, maybe it did, but I will beg you not to word it like that because it just sounds awkward and wrong, or just take it out) and I wasn't sure what message you were trying to convey. If you were asking the readers if they shiver, (Lol why? XD) then I suggest you reword it.

For example, Like:

"Do you shiver?"

"Will you shiver?"

I mean, to be perfectly honest all three sound awkward and doesn't have much to do with the plot. If compared to cupcakes, it was like those plastic rings they place on top of party cupcakes for decorations. They're really ugly, and pretty much useless. (The phrase was, in a sense, ugly.) It would be better if you replaced it with another phrase that can add more excitement and expectations to your story. If you insist on keeping it, then please just capitalize the "Don't" because that was bothering me too haha. Also, I said this earlier, the "-an explosion of beauty; of which is a creation of beauty" literally makes no sense, causes confusion, and doesn't have meaning.  Perhaps you could consider replacing it with a short, simple quote from Junhong? (: You also spelled suspense wrong, so you should correct that after.  

Chapter 1

"...rose from the ground at an impressive height of 6 and a half feet."

>The description (6 and half feet) has to refer to something (height). <

"It'll see what you yourself don't."

>You can change this in multiple ways, but I suggest "It'll see what you can't." or "It'll see what you don't." <

"The longer he stares at the mirror, the more faults that find his eyes."

"His head is racing at a thousand miles per hour and all the things he never thought of, think. The wonders he's never wondered, wonder. His imagination imagines. But is it his imagination?"

>Okay, so the first two sentences are grammatically incorrect, but I think it's okay if you keep them because it doesn't make your story sound so robotic. This is what's changing about him, and it seems more relatable to leave it like that. But, I have an issue with the last two sentences because you used imagine three times, and twice is really enough. It would flow a lot more smoothly if you just got rid of that sentence. (I crossed it out for you.) <

"He refused refuses to eat - the only thing he is allowing to pass his lips is the spearmint gum..."

>Your tense keeps switching!<

"His refection reflection is the size of three people."

"He began to sow sew the girl's cheek..."

>Minor spelling errors. Sow means like to plant something. Like in the statement "you reap what you sow."<

"It weighs him down and he suddenly feels heavier, .  the The knife looks much prettier when the light is reflecting off it, doesn't it?"

>Putting the two sentences together sounds awkward and doesn't go well together.<

>Don't forget to use your conjunctions!<

>Alright I think you get it. Your sentences tend to have words missing or  too many words. Your tense was near perfect throughout the story *yay* and you should just be careful of  spelling. You also add way too many commas LOL. If you use commas, you're going to eventually use conjunctions, but you leave those out. Make sure you pair them together. Also, the fact that you have a lot of minor mistakes gives off the feeling that you don't really care because they're all small errors that could be fixed. And though it doesn't affect the readers much, I still think you should look over your stories carefully. Finally, some of your sentences are awkwardly put together, so don't forget about periods ^u^ You don't have to connect all the sentences together.<

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Pace: 9/10

Your pace for the story was amazing! It wasn't rushed or dragged, and was set up with amazing structure. You gave me a background of what his life was like, which set up a foundation for the story. Because the story is psychological, rather than using the traditional story method, I was glad that you focused on the inner working of the main character, and not so much the outside. You slowed down on the important moments and whizzed by the unimportant areas. But I suggest that in these kind of stories, the development is important. I wish you focused more on Junhong when he was on the verge of snapping. Not just say "he was angry for some reason" but slow it down and focus on the deeper psychological changes he's experiencing at that moment.

So basically, when a character is experiencing a mental change, you should go deeper and focus on that area because it creates a good sense of character development.

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Characters: 17.5/20

A good character doesn't have me questioning why they do something because all their actions are shown through what they did in the story. They also have a distinct personality that differentiates them from any other characters, whether that be in your story or other stories.  I was really impressed because it was a oneshot, yet you still managed to give Junhong depth, background, and character development.

Junhong:

In the description, you hinted at the fact that he had psychological issues, so I'm glad that you didn't make Junhong normal in the beginning. He did have depth, and I was excited that you didn't skip his background, scars, and thoughts. It made his character that much deeper and understandable. (Not that what he did was any less gross XD). But I feel like the anger in Junhong exploded out of nowhere. Obviously, he's been on the verge of snapping, but I wish he developed it further as a character before he snapped on Taeyeon. But, the transitions were great, his desires growing from the beginning to the end. With Junhong, you didn't leave me to question anything, like why did he do that? why did he do this? The way you told the story and showed his character was my explanation and I was really thankful for that.

Taeyeon:

Okay, I know she was  a minor character, but I had problems with her. She was only going to be a victim, and not a major part of the story, but you still showed me what kind of person she was, so good job for that. She was obviously a nice person; It was clear by the way she talked, thought, and cared for Junhong. But URGG she's such a typical victim ! >_<;; She's the kind, innocent girl who dies without trying. Couldn't she struggle a little bit? Well, she did flail her arms. But that was it. When he was getting all the chemicals, she just stood there and watched him? Or was she already sitting in the corner trying to protect herself? She couldn't TRY to escape or open the door? If Junhong locked it from the inside (there was no key?) and went to go do something like soak a towel in a tub of chemicals, she couldn't try to unlock it and escape? KGJHFSKJ WHAT WAS SHE THINKING. /flips laptop/. Okay I'm overreacting a little. But it's just that a lot of horror films, fanfics, books, etc. do this - put a sweet girl as the victim, and she doesn't even do anything and she dies ! I swear it drives me crazy. I was supposed to feel sad for her (I did to some level) but not really because if she was just going to sit there and do nothing while a guy she suspects is going to hurt her gets his supplies ready then obviously she was setting herself up to die! How am I supposed to feel sad for someone who's not trying to live! I'm sure Junhong would've had more fun if she struggled a lot more. (Wow I'm a sick bastard XD). It was like eating a cupcake with a new look, new bread, new design, BUT THE ICING IS THE SAME. It might be delicious and new, but I don't think I could enjoy it to the fullest.

I think if you made your characters a little more realistic (because hell no am I or DairyCow going to sit there and wait for our death if that happened) and refreshing, your story would be kicked up a notch.

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Plot: 19/20

I said this in my previous review, but a story that can be cliche but different is what differentiates a good story from a great story. Though the plot seemed a little common, (someone who goes crazy trying to be beautiful) it completely blew my mind! I thought it was going to be those typical stories where he gets all depressed and kills himself or someone pull him out of his depression, and all that other boring stuff, but wow, was I wrong or what. XD. It had everything a good story had- rising action (tension), change, reliefs, and most of all, it was SPICY.  (Unique)

There wasn't a lot of building tension, but I could see it in your story. How the bullying got worse, how his psychological state was slowly breaking apart, and how his physical state was being affected as well.

The change made me a little confused though, which is why I dropped a point. So when he got plastic surgery, he became uglier, correct? (correct me if I'm wrong. But even if I was wrong, the story should have been clearer XD). The plot never really said what happened, and I did a double take on that section. An important change like that shouldn't be vague because it makes the readers raise an eyebrow and go huh? Your writing has to be clear in order for the readers to follow the story.

LOL when Taeyeon came into that bathroom I was like "ooohhh s about to go downnn" Hahaha

And even though there was building tension, nothing really prepared me for that twist. It made me cringe, open my eyes,  and go "Mother of God he is one messed up er." (Which is a thumbs up for you because this is gore and horror.) The fact that I felt something about the characters is good because it means that you got me to care about what's happening. The little comedic reliefs you had were perfect, like the "he was always a fan of sushi anyway" and "because they were 1.7 calories less than the peppermint." They stopped the story from becoming way too tense and gave me room to go whew and then right back to focusing on the story.

The last change- his confidence made me the happiest and sidhfksdjfhfdjh person ever. LOL. I was so conflicted I was like YEAHHH YOU GO GIRL (even though he's a boy) but then I also wanted to be like DIE YOU SICK BATCH. It was true character change and I enjoyed it so much because...I can't really pinpoint it.  And the wordplay [viole(n)t] was very nice, fit in so well with the story and basically summarized the everything. The ending wrapped everything up neatly, and I didn't feel like I missed anything. The plot was great, and another reason this got a high score was because your writing skills are amazing. I couldn't take my eyes off the computer and phone ! *clapclapclap* It was like eating a cake that had the perfect mix of all the ingredients and gave me some flavors I never tasted before. It's a story I will remember !

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Overall Enjoyment: 19/20

As you can tell, I was in love with you and your story XD. But it was the little errors that had to stop me from giving you a perfect score ): The little errors bothered me, like the cliche victim, somewhat confusing sections, and the inability for me understand some of the phrases you were trying to convey. (In the foreword and description.) Nevertheless, it was a great story and had my attention the entire time! Good Luck <3 I also subscribed and upvoted your story <3 !

Total: 90.3/100