I opened my eyes and all I saw was white. My eyes struggled to focus, the brightness of the room nearly blinding my eyes. Am I in heaven, I thought, did I die?
“He’s awake,” someone said to another, “Oh thank the Lord, he’s alive!”
Even by then, I still couldn’t see very well. Everything was a blur. A black blur. It was bright just seconds ago…Never mind that though, I could only feel somebody’s hand on mind, holding it tightly as I shift in my spot. My throat was dried. So dried that I had to cough, and as I did, I felt like I was going to flip my intestines out. “Water, someone get him water” a warmer, soft, and caring voice said. I hear people shifting around in their positions, one person running away from next to me, then coming back in a little. Though, I paid no attention to who it was, and as soon as I could feel the straw on my lips, I drank like I had never tasted water in my entire life.

I felt someone smiling. I turned my head.

“Did you sleep well?” Sungmin asked. I recognized his voice, but I didn’t answer. He didn’t seem to mind. Only his soft hands on mind held tighter. “Are you alright?” Another voice asked from the other side of the bed. I kept my gaze at Sungmin’s direction, and nodded as an answer. I felt alright. I mean...I thought that I am. Am I not?

Sungmin shifted in his chair and sighed. I reach over and put my hand atop of his…

I remember now. We broke up.

I pulled my hands away. Sungmin sighed once again.

“Take care of Yesung hyung for me...I have somewhere to go...but I’ll be back tomorrow.” His soft voice spoke to the girl next to me. I could feel her nod at him, but soon enough, his presence was gone. I felt a bit empty in my stomach. A bit later, silence covered my surroundings, but my hand was replaced with another’s. A smaller one, a slightly softer one. Sungmin’s hand was soft. It was a bit squishy; it’s recognizable. This one is different. Definitely different. It was a girl’s hand. I didn’t say anything, but neither did I pull my hands away. It was rather...comforting. Comforting to feel her around me. Her presence was comforting, almost as much as Sungmin’s own.

Three days passed and I’m still here. In the hospital, I assumed. Nobody bothered to tell me where, so I figured it out myself. From time to time, I could hear the doctors coming in and out. I could hear them have conversations about the things that goes on.

They said Sungmin’s condition was nearly as bad as mine…

Except...he wasn’t blind.

His legs were fractured, but he’s fine. Well, I think. I heard them say that Sungmin also had someone else taking care of him. He seems to be doing well, at least. I still feel the emptiness in my stomach, but I ignored it. There’s nothing to worry about.

But he said he was going to come back...he didn’t.

Almost a week later, he came back. He’s with someone. I could tell.

“Have you been feeling well?” He’d ask. I wouldn’t answer.

“Take care of yourself well, alright? Take lots of medicine so you’ll get better...and smile everyday, alright?"

"No" I said.

"Please?"

"No...I've done enough for you. You're a liar. You're a filthy liar. Leave. And never come back."

The next thing I knew, I was left alone. Even with Jimin by my side, I was alone. At night, when usually Sungmin would be there to watch TV shows with me, everything was empty. Later that week, I was allowed to go home...and everything was so...empty. His light scent, that light raspberry sorbet scent from his soap, it still lingers around every time I walk by his room. For some reason, the left side of my chest ached. So much that it was even the mention of his name makes me angry…

It makes me angry to know how stupid I was to let him go. Without him, how do I move on? How do I live? I can’t do this. Jimin and I were dating by then, but that wasn’t enough. She reminded me of him, too much. I felt nothing but pain by then. Everything wasn’t only a blur of eternal darkness, but...really, nothing was even there. Without Sungmin, I don’t have the light to lead my way. Without him, I can’t go on. I can’t let go. I don’t think I’ll be able to ever let go.

I know I’m walking in the park. No, not walking. Sitting on a wheelchair. I’m wheeling myself, even if I can’t see. I still have the sense of where to go. I don’t remember anymore, how I got here, why I’m here. I just want to be here. Something tells me I needed to be here. My eyes gaze outwards, somewhere. I’m probably staring at someone, I don’t know. All I know is that I’m lost. Lost for words, lost for directions, lost for life. For eternity, I’ll be living alone with my darkness...I realized a while ago that I’ve done so many things in my life that I regret.

And one of them--one major mistake I’ve done--was letting my only brightness go. My last brightness that I could’ve held onto.

Then, someone stops my wheelchair. I’m certain that I know this presence. Oh, his presence. The same smell of the soap and shampoo that he uses, the way he smells so good all the time.

“You’re lost?” He asks. I shake my head.

“Do you know where to go?” He asks again. I shake my head.

“Then you’re lost.” I stay still for a few seconds, and nod.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, “I’ve realized how much of an idiot I was, to let you go.”

“We all make mistakes, at one point of our lives. We just have to learn to respect, and accept it. We can’t change what’s already happened, hyung. You and I, we can’t change what we both threw away.” Sungmin moves. For a second, I was going to stand up and grab him, I thought he was going to leave…

But instead, I feel him crouching by me. His soft hand was placed on top of mine once again, and I couldn’t help it no more. I can feel tears rolling down my cheeks, but he was smiling. So I smiled, too. “But we can change what’s there for us in the future. We can make the present, and we can move on.”

“You can move on.” My smile fades. Immediately, I shake my head. The tears that overflowed my useless eyeballs continues to pour out, for a second i thought it was raining. “No, no I can’t” I said. He stays silent. Why doesn’t he reply? Why doesn’t he say anything? Is he mad? Did I do something wrong, did I--was he thinking of leaving me, again? That can’t be. I can’t be left alone again, never.

“Don’t you worry. It’s okay. I’ll always be here,” He said, and all of a sudden, I feel a soft poke at the left side of my chest--brightness crept into my visions, only by a little bit. “I’ll always be here, in your heart. Only if you keep our memories in there. As long as you do, I won’t go anywhere. I’ll always be there.” I open my mouth, to say something, but his soft finger presses onto them, shushing me from speaking a word.

“Do you love me?” My visions start to clear up, I slowly nod.

“Then do this for me.”

The next thing I knew, I open my eyes…

I was staring blankly at the ceiling, you hand in mine, your breathing over my neck.  

But from me to the beautiful you.

The moment my eyes opened wide, and I finally saw the world, I was happy. When I saw you running towards me with a wide grin, baby, I cried. I cried, because I have realized that I’ve missed you so much. As I stood in that park, thinking of the dream I had, I had never been so happy to know that everything was only a nightmare. A nightmare that tells me about that one time you’ve said, “Please smile and move on, after the day our faiths no longer crosses.” I had never been so happy to see your smile, your laughter, you.

All these times, I’ve done so wrong. All these times I’ve taken your love for granted, and I do not wish for myself to continue my foolishness. I love you. With all my heart, and I will hope that the day you run to me like this, the day that I wrap my arms around you tighter but you hug me back even tighter--I hope that there will be more days like this. No, I hope for it to be every day of our lives. That we’ll live in each other’s embrace forever.

From me, to the beautiful you, Lee Sungmin.

I’ll always love you.