Author: 23elevens
Title: Thank You For The Memories
Genre: Angst, pg-15
Characters: Onjong(older Jonghyun), slight!Key, slight!Taemin
Summary: Jinki believed that their relationship was steadier than any rock in the universe, that it was unshakable, that it was forever. When it comes crashing down around his ears, however, Jinki is forced to pack up his heart and memories and give them back. Though, how do you even start to put away the things that have been a part of you for so long without feeling anything at all?
/ - I was supposed to write this and submit it for shawol_haven’s 16th challenge (on livejournal), but apparently I’ve overshot the word count by a lot. ): Oh well, I hope it still works out and it doesn’t seem like a whole pile of boring to you readers. Comments are always welcome!

A long time ago, whenever Jinki walked into the room, he was, almost always, all smiles and cheerful, and more often than not with his lover in tow, who was always more than happy to come along with him. During those times, life was at its best for Jinki, and every day seemed fresh, invigorating and exciting. Everything was going the way he wanted it to be, and his relationship with Jonghyun was steadier than a rock. Oh yes, a long time ago, Jinki was happy. Very happy indeed.
 
Nowadays, however, Jinki hated having to come into the room, and only did when he absolutely needed to. During those times that he did come in, there was no longer a Jonghyun who would follow him in for whatever reason, whether was it to take a nap, have some fun, or just to clean it up. Nowadays, a monotonous Jinki had taken over, no longer filled with constant smiles and sunshine to offer the world. Why? Because life was upside-down, and Jonghyun was never with him anymore.
 
Today,he’s alone without Jonghyun. Jinki takes a deep breath before walking into the room, shuddering as his lungs inhale that familiar fragrance of his lover that he had grown so accustomed to whilst living here all this while. He narrows his eyes, keeping his brunette head down as he makes his way to the foot of their king-size bed, eventually sinking onto the fluffy, cream rug. He stays with his feet curled up, studying the pattern of the rug, forcing himself not to think. It is only after a few minutes in that position that he lifts his head slowly and observes the room, eyes smarting from the tears they withhold.
 
Everything that the house possessed was filled with reminders of Jonghyun. The kitchen, the living room, heck, even the metallic shoe rack outside their house. However, it was their room that reminds him so much of his lover, so much that each breath is taken like a knife is stuck in his windpipe, and every sight makes him wish he was blind. Jonghyun was everywhere in the house, even when he didn't come home.
 
Jinki takes a deep breath, clutching a huge movers' box in his hands. "What you need to move into a new life," it reads. Jinki can't help but laugh unfeelingly - well, he was moving into a new life, without Jonghyun. He gets up slowly, carefully setting the box on their bed before getting to work on his new life.
 
The first thing he strips the deep blue walls of are the endless number pictures hung on them, so much that it was quite a feat to find a full half a meter of empty wall in the room. Jinki takes the pictures off the wall slowly, taking care not to rip them, and lifts those in frames precariously off the many hooks installed to hold them. Jinki tries hard not to look at the pictures as he packed each one into the box, but gives up as his shaking fingers fail to hold onto them face-down. Each picture brings back a slew of memories as he places them in, searing his heart and watering his eyes.

He fits as many of the framed pictures into the box as possible after the taped-up ones, and finds some string to bind the larger frames together. As he sifts through the endless frames, he finds one shaped as a roll of film, containing several pictures within. His heart pricks; the two of them looked so happy in their string of selcas taken that one weekend at the beach.

Jonghyun tackles Jinki into the sand gently, laughing freely as the taller squirms beneath his in a futile attempt to flip them over. He smirks at the pout on his lover’s face after realizing that he’d lost the “fun” ultimately – after all, he believed he had one-upped Jonghyun with a random comment about his oddly-shaped dinosaur face. Jonghyun, upon hearing that, had not hesitated in chasing after Jinki, with a handful of cherries clutched tightly (they were feeding each other some a little while ago). Of course, Jinki’s sangtae had been at work again after a few steps of running, rendering him helpless on the floor after Jonghyun caught up and pounced on him, with a devilish glint in his eyes.
“Babe, get off me pleaaaaaaase,” whined Jinki, his pout becoming more pronounced by the minute. “I’m sorry I called you a dinosaur okay?”
“What’s that you say? Couldn’t hear you, darling. Speak up.” He bounces in time with his words, smiling down at his trapped boyfriend.
“I said, I’m sorry I called you a dinosaur! Now will you please GET OFF ME NOW, IT HURTS WHEN YOU BOUNCE UP AND DOWN!”
Upon hearing the obvious pain in Jinki’s voice, Jonghyun rolls off promptly, laying on his side as he leans over to kiss the other’s high cheekbones.
“Aw babe, I’m sorry. Does it hurt?” His hand trails up Jinki’s flat stomach, rubbing it gently.
“No. But I’ll feel better if you take pictures with me!” He reaches out to capture Jonghyun’s hands, both their fingers naturally intertwining.
“Right now? Can it wait? I’m not exactly very.. appropriate for a camwhoring session.”
“Please please please PLEASE baby!” Jinki chants as he kisses Jonghyun’s cheeks repeatedly. “Please!”
The shorter couldn’t help laughing at the other’s childish persuading skills in an attempt to make him take a few selcas. “Okay babe, whatever you say,” he says, pinching the bridge of Jinki’s nose.
“YES!”
The two of them spend the rest of their day in a similar fashion, touring about the perimeters of the quaint beach to different locations for their selcas. Jinki’s favorite had to be the one where the two of them were perching on the stone revetments, heads right beside each other. Jonghyun’s face was contorted into a goofy, cross-eyed expression, a wide smile evident on his face. A hint of his delectable chest muscles was visible in the picture. Jinki’s face was turned towards his lover, eyes shut with a slight smile on his face as his lips met the side of the other’s face. He loves the picture so much that he printed an extra copy of it wallet-sized, and has kept it in there since that day.

He smiles slightly at the memory, unaware that he has been staring at that very photo for the past five minutes. He abruptly jerks, letting the frame fall on the floor with a dull thud. He shakes his head slowly, like a small boy trying to rid his ears of water, and hurriedly ties up the frames together, his clumsy fingers refusing to cooperate well with him. He steps away from the frames, and makes his way toward the mahogany shelves tucked away on one side of the vast blue room.

He edges each book that belonged to Jonghyun off the shelves, checking each book for damages before placing them into the box. Most of the books that Jonghyun had left with him were books – something that the elder had insisted he read other than the immense amount of non-fiction and novels he possessed. Jinki never had understood how the two of them, with such differing personalities and characters, could fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, even before their relationship went downhill. He never understood how the bad-boy captain of their high school’s track team found it in himself to fall for the nerdy, goody-two-shoes junior president with a report card free of any offensive red lines whatsoever. He rids himself of that unanswerable thought and concentrates on putting away the other items. Holding open a clear Ziploc bag with one hand, the other slips various toy car figurines inside. The crinkling of the bag was deafening in the silent room. Again, Jinki couldn’t understand the point of toy cars – yet another difference. Jonghyun was gaga about collecting them, often spending much of his time online searching for limited edition pieces. He kept them in tip top condition with a weekly wipe-down of both the cars and the shelf that held them, creating many debates (started mostly by Jinki) between them on whether the cars were more important that Jinki himself.

He rolls the excess plastic around the mound of car pieces and tucks them in a corner of the box, making sure that they weren’t placed beside anything sharp or hard. He goes back to the shelf, picking an automatic pink gold Calibre de Cartier watch off its stand and settling it nicely into another small box to protect it. Jonghyun’s Solo HD red Beats was placed on top of the other items in the box, filling it almost completely. Jinki squeezes in several knick knacks of the elder’s that he finds around the room as best as he can into the box – an extra blackberry case, glasses, wrist bands, an orange earpiece. Seeing that he needed another box to fit in his ex-lover’s extensive collection of albums (it ranged from all genres of music, even Irish), he goes out of the room to get more, grabbing a few recyclable bags on the way as well. He decides to place the albums into a green bag, and heads over to their wardrobe.

Jinki’s eyes smart with painful tears as Jonghyun’s scent rushes over him the minute the closet doors open. He stands there with his eyes shut, trying to calm his erratic breathing, slowly inhaling Jonghyun. A continuous film tortures him as it runs through his head, as if its maker has specially cut out scenes of the two of them snuggling together after a long day, giving goodbye hugs, having intense makeout sessions in various locations around the house. Jinki’s head hurts so badly from all the memories that come rushing in. He can distinctly remember the way Jonghyun smells now – of summer seas, gummies, Ferrari Black aftershave and faint sweat. He also remembers the way the elder’s arms would wrap around his waist after coming home from work, him bending slightly to lean his head on Jonghyun’s neck, breathing in the scent of home. The mere thought of it turns Jinki into a rough mess, and he pushes it away as best as he can, and hauls out articles of clothing onto the bed for later folding. He tugs out numerous fashion statements, occasionally an article of normal wear to don on lazy days. Most of Jonghyun’s things were expensive, as his were – the both of them could afford to splurge, given their high-flying jobs. He spends a good half hour folding them, not bothering to stem the flow of tears falling freely from his velvety skin as each piece of clothing reminds him of various occasions in which Jonghyun wore them in. Its not before he finishes packing them in does he remember one last piece of clothing. He walks shakily to the bed and pulls out a black and white varsity jacket from under his pillow, putting his nose into the fabric and inhaling deeply. He hugs it pitifully to his chest, roughly dragging a hand across his face. It was Jonghyun’s university varsity team jacket, and Jinki had taken to sleeping with it ever since Jonghyun had a particular busy work week about a year ago, and was hardly home to keep him company. It had become such a habit for him to sleep surrounded by his lover’s smell that he seriously contemplated not to return the jacket – how was he ever going to fall asleep without his comforting smell? Hell, he even slept with it when Jonghyun was around to sleep with him, making the elder laugh with amusement at his crazy antics.

“Babe, why sleep with my jacket on when I’m here? You can smell me all you want in person y’know,” teased Jonghyun as he circled his arm around Jinki’s middle, pulling the younger closer towards him. “You don’t really need it after I stopped working so much overtime, silly boy.”
“I don’t care. I just want to sleep in it. What if you have to get up and pee?” Jinki begins to Jonghyun’s abs, mouth watering at the delicious sight infront of him.
A loud snort bursts from the other’s lips. “Babe, y-you can’t even wait for, what, 5 minutes?” He playfully smacks Jinki’s , a satisfying sound filling the room.
“Nope. I need you everyday, every night, always, forever ~” he says in a singsong voice. He switches position to lie on the other’s abs, facing him.
“I know that. I love you too, Mr. Kim. Will you be my lawfully wedded wife?” He grins, reaching down to kiss Jinki’s forehead.
“I love you too, and yes. But do come home more often to take care of the kids alright!” He mumbles as he crashes his lips against the shorter’s, earning a moan from him.
“I will. I’ll be there for you and our football team of kids too.” Hands find their way into Jinki’s gray sweatshirt, exploring the smooth skin hidden beneath it. He rids him of the varsity jacket in one smooth motion, and begins to work on his shirt.
“A football team? I’m not sure I want that many kids.” Skillful hands begin ing Jonghyun’s fly.
“I don’t care, I want them.” 
 
Jinki shuffles over to their dressing table, knocking a chair over by accident and stubbing his toe in the process. He bites his lip, toes smarting, but it doesn’t hurt as much as the slits Jonghyun’s absence has cut into his heart. Had they still been like before, his boyfriend would have been over to attend to his many injuries in a flash, rubbing his stubbed toe for him, making him smile again with adlibs of his own creation of the Jinki Sangtae Song. Too bad, he had been along far too long without Jonghyun’s heart with him, and it was about time that he learnt to stand on his own two feet.

He opens the drawers, sorting out the little trinkets and accessories they shared between them. He debates between keeping those pieces that they had agreed on sharing (because buying two was such a waste of money), but decides to give them back to Jonghyun. After all, if he wanted to move into a new life without him, shouldn’t he get rid of everything that reminded him of his old life? He scans unseeingly through the blur of tears b in his eyes at the stack of envelopes that belonged to the other in the bottom drawer, occasionally spotting a letter written to him by him. He denies himself the pain of plunging into the details of the letters by hurriedly tying them face-down, away from him. At the bottom of the drawer, he finds several packs of sweet watermelon Wrigley’s gum, all unopened, and beside them a resalable bag of gummy dinosaurs stands, half eaten. Jinki grips his forearms painfully, taking deep, calming breaths. “It’s okay, Jinki, it’s okay.” He tells himself. “You know he’s already chosen dinosaur gummies over sweet watermelon Wrigley’s gum long ago. You’ve seen everything.” So why didn’t he ever mention them to Jonghyun?

Quivering hands place all the candy (yes, even the gum) into the second box, stuffing them under the clothes, away from his line of vision. He staggers back to the dressing table, checking for anything he’s missed in the process of packing. There. Weighted down by his bottle of cologne (Obsession by Calvin Klein, Jonghyun had insisted he use that since he got together with him) was a piece of paper, folded in half, containing words that Jinki already knows by heart. He slides the letter out from under the bottle and sinks onto the edge of thei – his – bed, unfolding the letter and patiently smoothing out the creases before reading. He doesn’t know why he wants to read something that he’s known by heart for a long time, or why he wants to read it when he knows he’s purposely taking a longer time to finally face the words written on the paper, prolonging the wave of reality.
 
Dear Jinki,
I know it doesn’t seem like me to write mushy lovey-dovey letters for anyone, let alone you, but I just felt the need to write this out of the blue. Remember what you asked me once while we were having dinner together after our movie date, about the reason for me not settling down with a nice girl instead of playing the fool day in and day out? I laughed it off and told you that they weren’t my cup of tea, and I was just waiting around for the right one. Well, that’s only half the truth. Yes, they weren’t my cup of tea, just people that I could connect with and get along well with, but no, I wasn’t waiting around for the right one – I’ve found him already, and am just waiting for the right moment to tell him. And that person is, you ask? His name is Lee Jin Ki, also known as Onew to his peers.
I know this is such a sudden piece of news, but I thought I should tell you this before I graduate from this school in about a month’s time. I have been in love with you for a long time now, ever since you forgave me for being rude to you. I would have told you this earlier, but I was so confused about my feelings for you that I went chasing girls up and down just to find back the familiarity of “normal” love. I couldn’t’ find it in anyone, and I’ve long given up. The person that my heart wants to let in is only you.
You probably have your doubts about me, or in men in particular – I know you don’t trust that love can happen between two guys like a fairytale. I’m probably not the best choice for you to take up, and neither am I deserving of you. Though knowing this, I still want to try, and to tell you I love you. It doesn’t mean you have to return my feelings or do anything about it; you just have to know that they exist. I know that you don’t believe in honeyed words and candy cane promises, so I’m not going to say much about how different you are compared to everyone else – just know that to me, you are the most unique, selfless and lovable being I’ve ever met. If you trust me enough to take care of your heart and protect it more than my own, I will gladly do it – for you and you only, because the best part of me was always you.
I love you.
-Jonghyun

By the end of the letter, Jinki was lying on his side, shaking with tears free-falling down his cheeks once again. There seemed to be no end to the tears he could cry today, and he was mildly surprised that a human could cry so much. His reddened eyes focused on the three most painful words in the letter, mouthing them over and over again to himself. Each time gouged out another piece of his mangled heart. He feels as if nothing would be all right again.

By the time Jinki slides the letter into the overflowing box of memories, the sun had already gone dangerously close to the edge of the horizon, its lingering rays staining the sky a sorrowful blood red. Jinki no longer has the strength to cry as his right hand numbly works the thin band of platinum out from his fourth finger on his left. He doesn’t look at it as he drops the ring into the velvet black box it came with and stuffs it into the side of the second box.

Jinki almost chokes on his champagne as he feels something circular and hard enter his mouth, promptly spitting everything out, spraying the table of food with the champagne. Jonghyun can hardly hold back his laughter as he helps clean his lover up, who’s gaping silently at the ring sitting in the palm of his left hand.
“Babe, what’s this?”
“You know, I think studying too much has fried your brains flat, sweetie. Fried you more than your beloved chicken. It’s a ring, genius.”
Jonghyun yelps as he a stinging slap lands on his bicep. “What was that for!”
“I know it is a ring, that was a rhetorical question! And I slapped you because I could’ve choked on your ring and died! What kind of an idea was that, seriously?”
“Well, I’m sorry and I glad you liked it,” mumbles Jonghyun stiffly as he gets up abruptly, walking away from Jinki. The younger realizes his mistake, and hurries after his annoyed boyfriend.
“Babe, I’m sorry for being mean and shouting at you like that. I love whatever you’ve done for me, okay? But why the sudden present?” He rubs the other’s arms up and down soothingly, planting a kiss on his pouting lips.
“You’ve killed my mood now, it didn’t exactly go the way I wanted it to.”
“Aw, I’ve already said I’m sorry! Will you pretty please tell me why you bought me a ring?” Jinki widens his eyes innocently and looks at Jonghyun until he groans and gives up.
“I hate when you do that face, makes me want to give the world to you. Anyway, I just wanted to make us official with a ring, to give you something that symbolizes our love. There was supposed to be a well-thought-out speech and everything but you ruined the mood.” 
Soft lips press themselves onto the other’s, momentarily halting his train of thought. The kiss deepens as Jinki willingly opens his mouth to let Jonghyun in. Their tongues dance gracefully around each other as curious hands roam about the other’s familiar terrain. The living room is soon filled with lustful moans.
Abruptly, Jonghyun stops, but still pressing his lips on his boyfriend’s. “What now?” Jinki mumbles against the other’s lips, wanting to continue.
“Give me your hand.”
“What, now? I’m kind of busy at the moment, babe.”
Jonghyun doesn’t reply, and instead just takes hold of the other’s hand, sliding the ring onto its new owner’s fingers.
“Now we can continue.” Their lips crash against each other again, molding together in a frenzy.

Taemin takes hold of the lighter box, carrying it to the car, eyes never leaving his hyung. He’d never seen him like this, so dead and forlorn. He feels a surge of hot anger towards Jonghyun for doing this to him, but reminds himself that he cannot do anything to help Jinki. After all, relationships were only between two people, and their problems only could be solved by themselves.

The car ride to Jonghyun’s place was deathly quiet, even with Big Bang’s “Heaven” playing in the background. Taemin sighs, and turns off the radio at the traffic junction, staring at Jinki .Jinki looks away, down at his hands.
“Are you sure about this, hyung? We could just turn around and head towards the nearest Dumpster and throw everything away.”
“Yes, Taemin-ah. Don’t worry, just let me be.” A single tear escapes from Jinki’s eyes.

Taemin helps him carry one of the boxes towards Jonghyun’s apartment, climbing up the fifty-two steps with him. Taemin can’t help but feel as if they were about to meet Death, and hand their pasts to him for him to decide if they belonged to the heavens, or in Hell with him. Jinki closes his eyes, and using one leg to steady the box he held, he knocks on the wooden door, three times.

The door swings open, revealing a half- Jonghyun, who stands open mouthed at the sight of his lover and Taemin, who was glaring daggers at him. “Babe, what’re you do-“
“Jjongie, who’s at the door?” Another voice pipes out, and Jinki wants to run away, far away from here. A blonde head peeks over Jonghyun’s shoulders, feline eyes narrowing as he appraises the visitors’ appearances. Kibum.
“I don’t want to hear any explanations, I just came to give everything back to you.” Jinki says all of this in a low voice, and puts everything at Jonghyun’s feet. He turns away, with Taemin in tow, almost stumbling down the steps in his haste to run away from here. It’s over, finally over. It doesn’t matter he didn’t get to speak properly with Jonghyun. The weight on his heart, doesn’t seem to let him go, and he doesn’t feel as free as he thought he would be by doing all this. It doesn’t feel right at all, without him.

Jinki breaks down into silent sobs, leaning on Taemin’s car, with him watching helplessly. Jonghyun would never hold him close and whisper to him that everything was going to be okay. He was on his own.

Dear Jonghyun,
I know that I’ll probably not be able to speak to you in person about this, not with him next to you. Oh, I know about his existence. I knew about him since the day you started liking dinosaur gummies.
Jonghyun, let’s break up. It’s too tiring for you to put up a false front in loving me when you obviously have leased the space you reserved for me in your heart to someone else. It hurts too much for me to watch you lie to me about how much you love me, to watch you force yourself give me meaningless touches of reassurance. It hurts to watch you be with someone else behind my back, with me being too cowardly to say anything about it. You don’t have to protect my heart for me anymore, I’ll do it on my own this time.
I hope you’ll be happier with him this time round, happier than you’ve ever been during our long stretch of five years together. It does seem like a long time, doesn’t it? Thank you for giving me everything you have given me during that period of time, and really protecting my heart the way you said you would. I don’t blame you for backing out on your promise – like I said, five years is a very long time for someone to love another person. Thank you for the beautiful memories, and for all the things you’ve taught me, whether to learn or love. I’ll always remember you.
Everything that you own in our (or should I say my?) room is in the two boxes. I’ve given everything back to you. I don’t know how to thank you for everything you’ve shown and given me, or for the amount of love I’ve been showered with, so the only thing I can do right now is to set you free from your promise and let you find your soulmate. Good luck with him, and do be a nice dinosaur to him, alright? And don’t worry, I’ll be fine.
- Jinki