Log 1

The smile that reaches my face when I see him. Even through pictures and videos. I knew I was in love, because everyday I want to see him and everyday I yearn to touch him.  To feel him in every way.

But it hurts because even though I am lucky enough to be in the same country as him, I can’t be with him.

Because, he is Kim Jongin, and I am nobody.

It hurts because I can’t let this pain go. And every day I yearn for him.

But my life does not only revolve around Kim Jongin. I have school, responsibilities. I need to built a solid future where I can earn money to make a living.

But, just going to fan meets, it’s enough right?

Log 2

Although I’ve gone to so many fan meets, I still get nervous and jittery when I meet you. My legs turn like jelly, and I feel my palms swear. Do I look like a fool? Please don’t look at me. That smile only makes my heart ache more. Everytime I meet you, I wish I would meet Jongin, but I look into your eyes and i meet Kai.

I meet someone so fake, someone I don’t want to meet.

Jongin, please come out, please.

Log 3

Do you always recognize fans? Today, you saw me again and greeted me. Without asking, you wrote my name? None of the other members remember. Am I looking into this? Do you remember other fan’s names too?

Do you remember mine because I always look like a fool infront of you? With sweaty hands and jelly legs.

I can’t look at you. I feel as if you’re still staring at me as I write this? It’s just me right?

It’s just me. When I turned back at you, you’re eyes are at the sky.  I love the blush on your face, you seem like a boy again.

Log 4

Jongin. Jongin. Jongin. Jongin. Everyday you occupy my mind. My grades are getting lower.

Kyuyeon why are you being like this? Please, get your grades up!

Jongin. Jongin. Jongin. Jongin. Your name is just like a chant that is always going on in my mind.

I want to see you again, I want to talk to you. I want to kiss you, touch you. I want to love you.

Is this lust? Do I only love you for your body? No. I think it isn’t. Because when I’m not near you, my heart throbs, and nothing else does.

Log 5

Today I saw you. Who was that girl next to you? There was a lot of fans near you. You protected her as if your life depended on it. She looked beautiful. Even her backside. Jongin, she’s your girlfriend isn’t she? I don’t know why my heart hurts, but it does. I see tears, they’re hot and i feel them in the cold winter wind.

Jongin, where am I going? I can’t see. I feel light-headed. Jongin, Jongin!

I love you! Jongin! I love you! Jongin!

The wind takes away everything I saw. Who am I talking to?

Jongin… I love you