CLICK!!

Camera lights flashed, blinding him for a couple of seconds. His vision was gone until he regained his sight and saw the event taking place in front of him.

A crowd of people watched his every move while he was standing on a podium, ready to make his speech. A slight panic took over him, but he crushed it and tried to raise his confidence.

“Who is this woman, exactly?” asked one of the reporters.

“My girlfriend,” he answered directly, unhesitatingly.

With this announcement, the mass finally received the acknowledgement that they had been waiting for.

After the initial shocked silence, the group of reporters asked multitudes of questions seemingly at the same time. So many questions, that it was difficult for the person on the stage to decipher individual inquiries asked. However, he already had a speech prepared for this occasion, so he uttered the words that he had memorized earlier instead.

He cleared his throat. The large room immediately became silent. All were waiting for the person to start.

“For those of you who have heard and wondered whether I have a relationship with the girl that I took to the awards ceremony a couple of days ago, I am here to confirm that, yes, we are together. In fact, we have been dating for half a year now. We will be celebrating our six-month anniversary in a week. Why am I speaking about this matter now? Well, I just want to put a stop to any rumors that are spreading around me. I want you all to hear it from my own mouth.”

The person paused, swept his eyes from one end of the room to the other end, and then continued his speech, “This would be all that I am revealing at this moment. Please respect my privacy. Thank you all for hearing me and listening to the words that I had been wanting to say. Thank you again.”

Hyukjae then bowed, and left the podium that was made especially for this announcement.

Similar to vultures, the reporters flocked around the celebrity. They were shouting more questions, shoving the cameras and mics in front of his face, invading his space to the point of discomfort. The security were pushing the crowd back because this throng of people were about to crush the man they were paid to protect. The security got him safely out of the building and inside the car where the driver and another person waited for him. This car with its heavily tinted windows prevented the reporters from seeing the vehicle’s interior.

Hyukjae slammed the car door shut and sighed heavily. The car then moved towards the destination that the other person in the car requested.

“Are you okay?” Donghae asked worriedly, scooting closer next to Hyukjae and wrapping his arm around his friend’s shoulder. Hyukjae leaned towards this person for comfort. He stayed there for a moment, resting his body against Donghae before he answered him.

“It’s not you who should be asking that question… Are you doing ok, Hae?” Hyukjae leaned back, away from Donghae so that he would be able to see his friend’s expression when he did answer.

Donghae's eyes widened for a second and was about to answer, yet he could not produce a word. His eyes, which had been looking at Hyukjae a moment before laced with concern in his eyes, looked out the window. He could not face him. He stared at the window blindly, not noticing the tears flowing down his cheeks. Donghae then felt fingers turning his chin so that he faced Hyukjae once again.

Donghae stared at the person in front of him, emotions radiating out of his eyes. Unaware of the expression conveyed by his face, he opened his mouth to deny any negative thoughts, to tell Hyukjae that he was alright, that he was fine, that he was absolutely okay. Just something to show that he did not harbor any discontent and that he supported his best of friends wholeheartedly.

Instead, a sob passed his lips. Donghae’s eyes widened once again. He did not want Hyukjae to see him like this. Like he was breaking apart.

Before Donghae could react, Hyukjae’s thumbs slowly wiped the tears that were wetting his cheeks. Hyukjae’s hands came to rest on the sides of Donghae’s face, preventing him from moving his head. Unable to shift his position, he could only look helplessly at Hyukjae, not knowing what to do.

“We have talked about this, Donghae. We cannot be together.” Hyukjae whispered. His soft voice slowly piercing and tearing Donghae’s heart, like a knife would to a soft flesh. A whisper was used because speaking these words any louder may just break them both. Their shattered hearts were already irreparable from their break up months ago.

Hyukjae knew that he was the one who needed to stay firm. Donghae had a harder time controlling his emotions, so it was Hyukjae’s job to stay strong and to fulfill the promise that both Hyukjae and Donghae vowed to each other. The promise that Donghae was more than willing to break. The promise that Hyukjae had a hard time keeping. The promise to stay as friends and only as friends.

“Please, Donghae, don’t make this harder for us,” Hyukjae pleaded. His heart on the verge of breaking the promise. He had always been powerless against Donghae. He could not deny him anything. Not when this man was happily smiling with his beautiful eyes after a concert. Not when these eyes were teasing him when hanging out with their friends. Not when these same eyes were looking at him, b with tears full of despair and desperation. Like now.

“Hyukjae…” Donghae exhaled his former lover’s name, his voice sounding thick with defeat. Pain and longing, even more apparent.

Hearing Donghae say his name, Hyukjae felt a squeeze in his chest. As if his lungs had collapsed. As if he could not breathe. As if he was suffocating to death.

Donghae wanted to scream at someone, at anyone, for breaking them apart. He wanted to wail at the skies, cursing the higher powers that be, for condemning their love. But here he was. In front of this person. His love. Unable to do anything. Only mute. Silently crying.

The two men gazed at each other’s eyes. Memorized each other’s faces. Quietly conveying the anguish they both felt.

Feeling like he was losing Hyukjae all over again, Donghae looked down and in effect had pulled his head away from Hyukjae’s hands. Then, he wiped his face using his own palms, the palms that were aching to touch the other. Donghae straightened himself up, the hardening of his eyes visible. He then gazed again at the person that he was just looking at. That he had been looking at for most of his life. This time, he looked at Hyukjae with a smile.

The car that had been transporting the two came to a halt.

Unaware of the car stopping, Hyukjae was more focused on the smile that Donghae showed him. Beautiful, yes. Everything that Donghae did was beautiful to him. However, the smile that grazed his friend’s lovely face was forced, eyes void of any emotion. Donghae’s smile normally reached his eyes, but these eyes were currently not showing happiness. They did not show sadness. They were empty. Similar to a person who was damaged beyond repair.

Seeing Donghae like a broken man, Hyukjae wanted to reach for him. To tell him that he would stay with him. That he would leave his girlfriend whom he did indeed love, but not to the extent as he loved Donghae. He could not love anyone as much as he loved Donghae. As much as he continued to love Donghae. He had tried, for the sake of everything and everyone, to love another person. But try as he might, no one could come close to how much he felt for this friend of his.

But he did not. Hyukjae did not move a muscle to touch his former lover because Donghae turned around to leave the car. His moment of weakness disappeared. His impulse to leave everything for this man crumbled, and he gained back his senses and remembered the promise. Remembered the reasons why he was desperately clinging to unhappiness.

Donghae opened the car door and then looked at Hyukjae again before he got up to leave the car.

Devastatedly, Donghae told Hyukjae, “You have me, yet you let me go. I accept that from now on we would only be friends, and I understand that we will only contact each other whenever we absolutely have to, like our group’s activities, and... I can do that.” Donghae’s voice faltered when he said the last sentence. Feeling even more hollow and beaten, he cleared his throat and continued, “I know that this is beyond us. Beyond just you and me. And no matter how much I wish or hope or want or need, I cannot change this situation. So, I now say goodbye to you, my love; and say hello to you, my friend.”

Once again, the thoughts of pleasing others disappeared from Hyukjae’s head as he felt a strong urge to embrace Donghae. Slowly, he reached out to do so, but his fingers touched nothing but air, for Donghae had gotten out of the car and closed the door. After getting out of the car, he turned towards the driver’s door, and told the driver to take Hyukjae home.

Inside the now moving vehicle, Hyukjae stared at the closed door that Donghae exited from, with tears flowing from his eyes and pouring down his face.

Hyukjae finally let the words escape his lips, words that his heart had been dying to say, “I love you, Donghae.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hyukjae could not sleep that night. Tossing and turning for hours, he finally sat up on his bed and looked at the clock, which displayed 03:38 AM.

“,” he mumbled. He slowly rolled his head and stretched his back, trying to release the tension that aded his body since his talk with Donghae.

He got up and started to head towards the kitchen to drink some strawberry milk. He needed his comfort food. However, the ringtone of his phone stopped him. He looked and saw Donghae’s name appearing in front of it.

He hesitated a second before he answered the call.

“Hello,” Hyukjae forced the words out his mouth.

“Hyuk…”

With that one word, Hyukjae felt a familiar ache in his chest. The pain he associated with Donghae after their breakup. It came whenever Donghae was around, whenever he heard Donghae’s voice, whenever he saw Donghae, whenever he thought about Donghae at all.

A pregnant silence then occurred after Donghae exhaled his name with an emotion he could not even describe. Articulating words at this time was difficult for both of them. The heavy atmosphere, the emotionally charged moment, provided the conversation needed between the two.

Both were afraid to speak, to break the quiet.This hushed moment, which seemed to last forever, was broken by a sharp intake of breath by Hyukjae. He cursed in his head and opened his mouth to speak.

At the same time, Donghae cleared his throat and a slew of words flew from his mouth. Words colored with pain.

“I love you, Hyukjae. You know that. I know that. Probably, the whole world already knows that. And this.. love.. this love.. this ing love I have for you.. is eating me inside out. I asked myself a hundred times, a thousand times, a million ing times, why did it have to be you? You’re a man. I’m a man. Why? When it’s so wrong, why does it feel so ing right? Why do I love you so damn much? Tell me. Tell me how to get over you. Tell me how to get pass this. Tell me how to be happy again. Tell me how to love another like how I love you. Tell... me. Please...”

He then let out a humorless chuckle. Meanwhile, on the other end of the phone, Hyukjae was frozen in place.

Donghae then continued, “I know that what we had.. is.. broken... done... But Hyukjae.. you know how weak I am. How weak I am when it comes to you..  If ever you want to come back to me, if or when that time comes, I know I won’t be able to deny you... If you call me and tell me you need me... or want me, I will come running to you.. even if I am lying on someone else’s bed with that person in my arms.. Because it’s you, Hyukjae. Even though you’re the only one that can take me to the deepest depths of despair like what I had felt these past months, you are also that only one that can take me to the highest peak of bliss. You are my hell, Lee Hyukjae… but you are also my heaven. It is you. It has always been you. And it will always, always just be you.”

Donghae finally stopped. He then whimpered and squeezed out, “That’s all, Hyukkie.. Bye.. I love you.” Hyukjae then heard a click, signaling that Donghae hung up the phone.

Hyukjae felt that squeeze in his chest once again. The entire time Donghae was talking, Hyukjae tried to think about Super Junior, the promise, and the shame that they may bring to the group. The group that they view as their family. However, Donghae’s words overpowered the defenses that he set up against Donghae’s attack of words. He already knew how Donghae felt. He already knew what Donghae would say. He already knew that Donghae would break the barriers he set up. Hyukjae should have cut off the call before Donghae could say something. Better yet, he should just not have picked up the phone at all. Yet he did pick it up, waited, and listened to everything that was said. And for the life of Hyukjae, he could not stop listening to Donghae.

Hyukjae yelled out in the silence of the room, “ you, Donghae. your feelings. everything about you.”

He then cried.

Tears blurring his eyes, Hyukjae's fingers shakily punched the numbers of Donghae's phone.

Donghae picked up, and Hyukjae fired words at his friend and lover.

“Damn you. Damn you. Damn you..! You know how hard this is? You know how ing hard this is?! I have to be the one. I have to stay strong. For you.. For me.. For the rest of the group. And you just keep pushing yourself on me! You keep doing what you’re not supposed to.. Why can’t you just let it be?! Why can’t you just follow the rules? I can barely stand it myself! And you.. you.. you make it even more difficult for me than it already is!! So, you, Lee Donghae!! you..”

Donghae’s eyes, which was red and puffy from all the crying, teared up once more. He then breathed out, “I love you, too, Hyuk..”

He then heard Hyukjae release a sob, “Lee Donghae.. I need you.. so.. damn.. much..”

“I"ll be there.”