It's friday night, I was sitting on my bed watching rain falls on the dark sky as I find myself crying again in silecnce...

I was hugging my knees on my one arm while the other is holding a picture--a picture of me with him...

with my best friend, and later I realized that I love him but it was really late...

my heart is full of regrets...

he's my childhood best friend, everyday we're always together... we even slept next to each other...

lahat ng pagmamay-ari ko, pagmamay-ari rin niya... kasundo ko siya sa lahat ng bagay... kung nasaan ako, nasa tabi ko siya palagi... madalas kaming tuksuhin ng mga kaibigan namin but we really don't care... as long as we're happy and contended being next to each other... but everything suddenly change...

mula ng tumuntong kami ng high school --fourth year high school nagkaroon na siya ng bagong set of friends... we went to different school so he does has his new set of friends... and I do also but then hindi ako nag-bago... siya ang nagbago... he doesn't the old him I used to know...

as I silently observing him, I just figured out that he's totally different... hindi na siya ang inosenteng kaibigan ko... he does drink, smoke and always going home late night... marami ng nagbago... his parents used to reprimand him for his habits... and sometimes umuuwi siyang lasing at natuto na rin siyang sumagot sa mga magulang niya... nakalimutan na niyang irespeto ang mga taong nakakatanda sakaniya...

One time, we met on street.... hindi niya ko pinansin at patay-malisya lang siya.. I'm expecting him to greet me, to hug me like the way he used to whenever we're meeting each other... though I know to myself that he changed I can't help it but to expect that he will always be the old one in front of me....

on that day I asked him why is he being like that and he just answer me that it's none of my business... sinabi niyang wag ko na siyang papakelaman nang sinabi ko sakanyang mali ang ginagawa niya... sinabi niyang wala na kong pakealam sa business niya which makes me feel like someone stabbing my heart for million times.... he forgets me--his best friend na pinangakuan niyang walang wawasak sa friendship na meron kami... he forgets who I am... that night, I bursted on tears... I cried so much as my heart seemed stop from beating, as my world seemed stop from revolving...

after that day, I told myself to forget him.... sinabi ko sa sarili kong sa twing makikita ko siya magpre-pretend nalang ako na hindi ko siya nakita... sinabi ko sa sarili kong susundin ko nalang ang mga gusto niya... ang hwag siyang pakelaman sa lahat ng ginagawa niya... kaya sa twing magkakataon na magkakasalubong kami, hindi ko na siya tinitignan... iniiwas ko ang mga mata ko na makasalubong ang mga mata niya... kahit masakit, mahirap sinanay ko ang sarili ko na wala siya sa tabi ko... I do listen music on my Ipod as my habit... madalas ko na ring kasama ang mga kaibigan ko... my high school friends... the set of friends I have now....

Some time in October, in his mom's birthday, I didn't want to go to their place and celebrates it, knowing that he'll surely there... I want to avoid him forever... until the right day I'll realized that I can faced him without heartaches... without my heart feeling the pain because of the friedship we used to have that he ended... but his mom called me... since I can't refused his mom, I did go to their place...

as I arrived in their place, he was the first person I saw... standing out on their house. his hands were both on his jeans' pockets... as I looked at him I just find myself missing him... he's more good looking guy now, he looks mature now.... I really do want to hug him... even a quick hug I"ll be satisfied but I stopped myself from doing so dahil alam kong imposible...

he's looking at me as I saw a smile curved to his lips... he's smiling?? he's smiling to me?? and the next thing I knew, he's approaching me... I stopped from taking my steps as he stopped in front of me... I looked at his eyes...he didn't say a word instead he hugged me... which made me surprised... he hugged me tight...and saying the word "I miss you" my heart starts beating faster.... I'm controlling my tears not to fall from my eyes... I stopped myself from crying... I forced a smile when I faced him... I didn't say "I miss you too" dahil hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko that time...

we went inside and we start celebrating his mom's birthday... while we're eating we're sitting next to each other... he starts chatting to me... starts a conversation... hindi ko maiwasan ang makaramdam ng pagkailang sa inaakto niya... till my phone rings...

"right now? okay.... right away" I hang up... he's looking at me...

"sino yun?" he asked

"kaklase ko...  may group study pala kami..." I casually answered him

"aalis ka na? nagku-kwentuhan pa tayo... wala ka pang naikukwento sakin... hwag ka ng pumunta ng group study niyo"

I looked at him pero hindi ko siya mabasa... honestly hindi ako maka-relate sa mga kinukwento niya dahil hindi ko naman kilala ang mga binabanggit niya... that point naalala ko ang sinabi ng kaibigan ko sakin "there's nothing permanent in this world" which is true... wala ngang permanente sa mundong ito... patunay nalang ng friendship namin... matagal naming inalagaan pero hindi naging permanente...

"a friend of mine said, there's nothing permanent in this world... tulad ng sinabi mo sakin noon na wala na kong pakelam sayo at wag kitang papakelaman... kung magkukwento man ako sayo I don't think makaka-relate ka... dahil sa mga kinuwento mo hiindi ako maka-relate" I straight-forward told him... hindi siya nagsalita at tinignan niya lang ako...

"nung tinalikuran mo ko kahit mahirap... pinilit kong ibinaling sa iba ang utak ko... in fact, nasanay na ko na hindi kita kasama... nasanay na ko na hindi ka pinapakelaman, nasanay na ko na hindi nagkukwento ng mga bagay-bagay na dati sinabi mong walang kwenta..." I bitterly smile "ngayon, natuto na kong pahalagahan lahat ng nangyayari at the present... I learned not to look back to the past which might cause me pain" I added and leaving him there alone...

days passed so fast naging busy ako sa school... at habang nagiging busy ako sa school nagiging busy din siya sa pagpunta-punta sa bahay namin... kahit na sinasabi kong marami akong gagawin he doesn't care and will stay around me...

"I want you back.... you're my best friend and I don't wanna lose you... gagawin ko lahat para mabalik tayo sa dati" he said with determination on his voice and I just let him... he shows his jealousy kapag kasama ko ang bagong guy best friend ko... ang palagi kong kasama sa pag-aaral... he shows how annoys he is whenever my friend is around... but my friend told me that he's enjoying annoying him... he told me to let him and make my best friend annoyed...

habang tumatagal natatagpuan ko ang sarili kong nag-eenjoy sa ginagawa ng kaklase ko... he always distructing my best friend... and I just laugh it out...

"hey, you're best friend or should I say boyfriend is getting really annoyed and jealous... as if he'll going to kill me" my friend once told me while we were on the library doing some research work...

"best friend correction" I corrected him while my eyes still set on the book I was reading

"best friend who acts like a boyfriend, you mean?" he teased me

"drop it off!" pabulong na pasigaw ko sakanya and he just quietly laugh habang umiiling

"but then you're enjoying"

"just focus on your business now" I cut him off

dismisal I find him standing out the school's gate while his bag hanging on his one shoulder... as he sees me, he playfully waves his hands over me... nasa tabi ko naman ang kaklase ko at naka-akbay sakin habang inaasar ako pabulong... I nudged him as he yelped... I laugh it out... and the moment I look back kung nasaan ang best friend ko, napansin ko ang pagbabago ng mood nya... nawala ang ngiti niya at naging seryso at annoyed ang facial expression niya...

"got to go! nasa library pa pala ang girlfriend ko" paalam ng kaklase ko and give me a quick hug bago tumakbo papasok ng school... napailing nalang ako sakanya... I approached my best friend

"kailangan ba talagang yakapin ka nya?" agad niyang tanong sakin

"there's nothing wrong about him giving me a hug... ginagawa din ng iba kong kaibigan yun... in short, habit na" I answered him "sinusundo mo nanaman ako?" I asked him...

he smiled and nodded his head... "why? Hindi ka pa napapagod? Malayo ang school mo sa school ko..." I questioned him

"dahil best friend kita" yun lang ang sinagot niya... nagsimula na kong maglakad... tahimik lang kaming dalawa habang nakasakay kami sa pampasaherong jeep... siya din ang nagbayad ng pamasahe dahil he insisted... hindi agad kami dumeretso uwi dahil dinala niya pa ko sa park... tahimik ang park na yun... konti lang ang tao... kinuha niya ang bag ko at siya na ang nagdala... when I looked around I saw a couple walking... tulad niya, dala din ng lalaking iyon ang bag ng girlfriend niya... the next scene, hinawakan niya ang kamay ko tulad ng sa nakita kong couple habang naglalakad... he acts really stranged...

"why you're doing this?" I asked him... I'm always the one who's breaking the damn silence around us

he shrugged his shoulder "wala lang" and shortly answered me...

ayoko ng magtanong... nanatili akong tahimik... ng bigla siyang magtanong...

"what if I die, iiyak ka ba?"

"ano?" I asked him, I didn't know why... I'm not deaf and I did clear hear him but then I want him to change the question he's asking me and asking him to repeat it is his chance to changed it... but he didn't and asked me the same question

"maybe." I shortly answered. "May pinagsamahan din naman tayo at malalim din yun" I added

"kapag namatay ako ayokong iiyak ka... kapag namatay ako hinding-hindi mo ko pwedeng kalimutan, okay?" he said... hindi ko siya maintindihan dahil sa inaakto niya...

"hindi kita maintindihan at ang weird mo, alam mo ba yun?" I told him and he just chuckled...

"sinasabi ko lang...." he paused awhile as he stopped us from walking and he place his self in front of me--looking me deeply in my eyes "sorry" he said...

"sorry?"

"sorry... dahil akala mo kinalimutan ko na lahat ng pinagsamahan natin... sorry kung nasaktan kita sa mga sinabi ko... sorry kung dahil sakin nasasaktan ka at hindi mo ko maintindihan sa lahat ng kinikilos ko... sorry kasi naging tanga ako... sorry sa lahat ng ginawa ko... sorry sa mga panahon na kinalimutan ko kung sino ako at kung sino ka..."

I didn't notice tears falling from my eyes as he telling me those things... hindi ko namalayan na lahat ng luhang pinigilan kong lumabas noon--nung panahon na bigla siyang bumalik sa dating siya ay lumabas ngayon... lahat-lahat lumabas... he hugged me again... this time I hugged him back... he hugged me tighter.... rain starts falling but we didn't care... kasabay ng pagbuhos ng ulan ang pagbuhos ng luha ko at ng luha niya....

everything went back tulad ng dati... palagi na kaming magkasama... making things up that we used to miss...

parang tulad ng sad love story... dahil kung nabalik sa dati ang lahat mabilis ding nagbago...

nagbago tulad nung panahon na nagbago sya...

it was his birthday and I am preparing my presents to him... I bought him a bracelet... a best friends' bracelets... and since may klase kami ng araw na iyon ay naka-focus din ako sa discussion ng teacher na nasa harapan ng bigla akong kabahan... biglang nanikip ang dibdib ko sa di ko malamang dahilan... siya ang unang pumasok sa isip ko...

natapos na ang klase ko at agad akong lumabas ng classroom going straight to school's gate where I expecting him waiting me there... but it was my dad waiting me out... I approached him and he just told me to get inside at may pupuntahan kami...I followed him... mas lalo akong kinakabahan especially when my dad is not answering my questions...

we stopped at hospital... bumangon ang takot sa puso ko... I followed his lead and we ended on a room... kung saan nilalagay ang mga taong walang buhay... I saw my mom holding her tears, comforting his mom... I saw his dad clenching his fist and crying... the next thing na nakita ko... nakapwesto sa kama...nakabalot ng puting kumot.... they saw me standing there... they didn't say a thing... bawat hakbang na ginawa ko parang may sementong nakapatong... ang mga kamay ko parang may taling pumipigil sa pagkilos... nanginginig ang mga kamay ko ng ibinaba ko ang kumot revealing his face... revealing his dead body...

I bursted out crying...

I can't believe what I'm seeing now...

He's not dead...

This is not him...

My world's end for real...

My dad hugged me and said "he's a victim of hazing on a fraternity"

My heart crushed into pieces... na malabong ng mabuo... malabong mabuo... dahil ngayon ko lang na-realized kung gaano ko siya kamahal... hindi bilang isang kaibigan o kapatid... mahal ko siya higit pa...

but he's gone... and it's late to tell him dahil kahit sabihin ko man hindi na niya maririnig... hindi na siya babalik... iniwan na niya ako...

.

.

.

.

.

and now, though it's been two years I can't get over with it... palagi ko parin siyang naaalala... kahit saan ako tumingin, siya parin ang nakikita ko... kahit na anong ginawagawa ko siya parin ang naalala ko...

and there's nothing to do about it but to cry it out... cry my  heart out that till now still in pieces...

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