“We’re going to have to move” my mom told me. “It’s too hard here, we need to move somewhere with better job opportunities.”

“But we’re fine, mom,” my brother, 승현 [SeungHyun], argues, “we have enough money to live, along with some other things for free time, too.” It appears my mother didn’t tell him that she was getting a divorce. “I’m sorry for not telling you earlier, but we won’t be able to do that anymore. At least not here. I’m going to have to divorce your father. I found out he’s been doing things with many other women when he’s supposed to be married…”

I never liked my 아빠 [appa]. As a matter of fact, he’s beaten me senseless when I was a small child. He would take off his belt, if he couldn’t find anything harder, and would whip me. When I was eight, he ran away from the family without anything left behind and I didn’t hear from him until two years ago, when I was 14 years old. It turned out he was arrested four times during that time period, twice for attempts at shoplifting, once for axe murdering while drunk, and once for slapping an authorized authority figure. Even since he got back, he’s been going out of the house countless times and doing who-knows-what. I’m not even sure if he was ever home, since he left before I woke and got back after I fell asleep, not that I ever fell asleep past ten o’clock.

I assumed that mom would have told him by now; she told me over a month ago. “형 [hyeong], no one told you?” I never called him “오빠 [oppa]”, always “형 [hyeong]”. Traditionally, it’s supposed to be “오빠 [oppa]”, since I’m a girl and he’s my older brother, but I’ve always seen myself fitting a guy’s role rather than a girl’s. I would rather be outside doing crazy things on cliffs than staying inside and cooking and cleaning all day, every day, for the rest of my life. I don’t wear dresses or nice shoes, even though my mother bought me plenty. I’ve always been plain, no accessories with my outfits, nothing to make me stand out even in the least bit.

“아니 [No],” he answered. “When did you find out?” He asked.

“A while ago…” I say, not sounding as sheepish as I intended to be.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me that!?” He starts to yell. He would wake 민지 [MinJi], our little sister, MinJi, or as we called her, 민 [Min].

“It isn’t a big deal, at least you know now, right?” I try to tell him. “Plus, it was hard to even talk to you at all, since you were always at work, so we had to wait until you got home and—” he cuts me off.

“And what?” He asked, his voice quieter than it just was.

“I don’t know…” I said.

"Sometimes I swear I feel like I'm not even a part of this family."

"Well it isn't my fault. You're the one taking two jobs. You know, if you get caught, you can get in big trouble."

"Yeah, well, maybe I have to get a third job now that Mom and Dad are getting divorced."

The room is silent for a minute. My mom inhales deeply and she's about to speak, but 승현 [SeungHyun] walks out of the room before she does. "Tell me when the boat's leaving. I'll be packing my stuff to go."

 

---

 

It's two weeks later, and we're only a week away from leaving. I almost have everything settled and packed, but I won't be able to replace certain things here.

The stain on the wall of my bedroom from when I first tried to burp 민 [Min] when she was a baby. The chart on the corner of my room's walls that I updated every six months to see how fast I'm growing until I was 16, which was when I stopped growing completely. Bloodstains on my bedsheet from when I had my first.. well... you know. I could never replace any of these. Ever.

 

---

 

It's day later, and I realized I haven't seen my dad since 승현 found out he and mom were getting divorced. Coincidentally, I found out why later today... in the city's newspaper. He made front page for dying while involved in a gun fight between him and someone he was playing poker.

예측 [Predictable].

At least it would be easier getting to wherever we were moving to now that there's one less person. Speaking of that, I need to go ask my 엄마 [mom]...

I walked to the dining room, where I saw my 엄마 [mom] sitting at the table and eating dinner. "엄마, 어디가? [Mom, where are we going?]" I asked. "뭐 [What]?" She replied. "Where are we moving to?" I said, being more specific than I just was. "어 [Oh]," she says. "아메리카 [America]. We'll be going through 앤젤 아이란드 [Angel Island]."

 

---

 

The day has finally come to leave my hometown of 뫀포 [Mokpo] and go to.. what was it? 앤젤 아이란드 [Angel Island]? 응 [Yeah], that.

The boat was dirty in the lower area. I decided I would stay in the room the whole time, reading or.. 응 [Yeah], that's pretty much it.

After one day of sitting on a bed alone, eating and using the bucket every once in a while, I get bored. I finish all of the books I brought, which were all of the books I owned.

승현 [SeungHyun] walked in on the moment I decided to walk out, or he ran in. "생기 [Saenggie]," he started by calling me my nickname for 16 years, "가자 [Let's go]! 보트 침몰되 [The boat is sinking]!"

"뭐 [What]?!" I try to stand up, but the boat is already tipping me over, making it hard. I run outside to find 엄마 [mom], but the boat is too sunken. Many are already underwater. SHe's probably one of them.

The boat tilts quickly, knocking my balance off, but 승현 [SeungHyun] catches me and holds me in his arms so I don't fall into the water. He knows I can't swim. He grabs onto the closest thing (and highest thing) he can find within his reach and holds on as tightly as he can with one hand while holding me with the other. It's still no use. The boat is going down, we're a half day's boat ride from any land, so it would be impossible to swim even if I could.

The boat is almost completely down, it's impossible to make it. 승현 [SeungHyun] is the last thing I see before I go under, mouthing to me, "사랑해 [I love you]."

I never come back above the surface.