Even Then, Even Now

I still remember each word you said when you left me the look in your eyes when you slowly said each dagger like words that pierce to my heart. I tried to hold on to you but the coldness in your touch killed my soul on the spot.

 “Please don’t this to me, to us. Don’t go you know I can’t live without you.”

“I’m sorry but I have to do this. If I don’t leave now I would forever regret this part of my life when I choose to stay than to leave and reach for my dreams.”

“I know it’s your dreams but how about me? Am I not part your dreams? Your life? You know I could give up everything for you. I could give up my own dreams for you. Hell I already did just so I can be with you. Because I can’t give you up!”

“I’m sorry but right now this is the only thing that matters to me and I’m sorry this time you’re not part of it. I’m sorry.”

I know it’s your dream how can I compete to that and I guess I will never even try to compete to that I love you that much not to make you want to choose. But you made a choice, a choice which I am not included and in that moment you decided I swear I would never fall this way again.

I tried to live again and tried to pick up every broken piece of me, I lived, I am here but never really living at all. Countless Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall has passed everything around me had change even I had change. I really hope I had change, the pain is no longer there and I would like to believe that. But just like before you came without notice.

“Hi!”

With just one word the wall I build up to not let anyone else in crumble right before my eyes.

“I’m back.”

You smiled.

With just one smile my world suddenly seemed to be lighted up millions stars.

“I guess I’m back for good.”

“Aren’t you going to say something to me?”

“Then please allow me to speak, I know what I did before I unforgivable but I just have to that at that time. I still don’t regret it you know, about me leaving. But I sure do regret us ending like that and I guess my dreams cost me too much price to pay. And it’s you that I have to pay for me to have it.”

How could you say out loud to my face that you don’t regret leaving me and at the same time regretting ending us?

It does like opening up the wound you have caused before and then taking my heart again just to break it into million pieces for the second time.

How could you make feel like this? Confused, Hurt, Angry, Afraid and Happy at the same time. I’m like a hurricane of emotion when it comes to you. The scary part of it all is that I don’t know where the winds would take me. How can I live again after this?

“Please say something, anything.”

I can see the fear and pleading in your eyes. I was wondering if it’s enough to put back the broken pieces back together and heal every wound.

“I guess it’s nice to hear your back and it’s good to know you finally reached your dreams.”

Finally I found my voice to speak.

“You’ll never know how happy I am to know you’ve reached it. You know I always believe you can make it I never doubted you.”

“But you’re right everything comes with a price. And I just happen to be that one you have to let go for you to have it.”

Tears suddenly flow freely down your cheeks. It still hurt me to see you cry know I know I never really had change.

Like a habit I slowly leaned to wipe away your tears and slowly bend my head to kiss your eyes and then your nose until I reach your lips and slowly kiss it.

Was I was too harsh? But you we’re also harsh to me back then. You didn’t even shed a tear for me.

But like I said it was a habit an instant reflect I always do before. But that was before I shouldn’t be still

“Don’t cry.”

“You know it hurts me to see you cry.”

“The way you say it is like the way I had said it before.”

“Different words but the same meaning none the less.”

“Please don’t mean it like the way I meant it before.”

I look into your eyes and this time I saw the way you used to look at me. It’s the same way I looked at you too before and it’s still the same way I look at you this time. And in this moment our eyes, it’s like a two way mirror reflecting both our hearts and soul.

“Can you see it?”

“Yes.”

“Can you feel it?”

“Yes.”

 “It was still there.”

“Yes it’s still here.”

“Right now it’s still covered underneath all the pain.”

“I know, but it’s still there.”

“I don’t know if I can?”

“Please give me another chance.”

“This time I can’t promise you anything.”

“Then don’t, I won’t ask for anything I would just simply do it and show it to you.”

I felt your arms crushing my whole body into a tight embrace. Tears continue to fall this time from both of us. Then you suddenly crashed your lips to mine claiming a territory no one can ever own. With every kiss you take out the life in me making me feel so weak. With every touch all the pain slowly fades away.

Did I love you that much to give in this easily or did you love me this much to erase all the pain and made me whole again?

What happen back then and what will happen now never really matter anymore. This time I guess reasons are no longer important or valid none the less.

Except for one.

Our Love.

No matter what had happen to us back then and whatever will happen to us now. No matter how much pain we had caused each other back then. We will always find ways to make each other smile now. And that one thing would always remain in our hearts.

You reach out your hand to hold mine. I felt warm all over again. The feeling of warmth had left me when you left. My eyes suddenly felt watery but as you gently touch my cheeks I forgot that sad memory.

“Let’s start again you and me.”