He Would Say
He Would Say
'Sungmin', he would say. 'Let's go grab some hamburgers.' And we would go to our favourite place in the magnificent city, enjoy the juicy hamburgers and get scolded by our company the very next day, when they found out.
'Sungmin', he would say. 'This is our moment. This moment, we can never forget.' We would cheer for each other, nervously anticipating our debut performance. I would squeeze his hand and whisper 'We will rock the stage!' in his ear, only for my best friend to hear.
'Sungminnie', he would say. 'Sungminnie, can't I sleep for just a bit longer?' Those words I grew so annoyed with became the words that make me miss him the most. He would always complain when I went to wake him up, after only a few hours of sleep. I remember how I would scold him, telling him this was the way idols were supposed to live. As a response, he would only fall back asleep and I would go find Teukie-hyung to get off the bed.
'Sungminnie', he would say. 'Have you gained weight again?' I would not feel hurt by his words, because I knew he cared for me. I would tell him not to worry, that I would lose the weight I gained in no time.
'Sungmin', he would say, crying after fighting with other members. Crying after a long and hard day at work. Crying after a girl had broken his heart – or after he had to break hers. I would comfort him with kind words, understanding, always being there for him. He would hug me and tell me how much he loved me. And I would smile.
'Sungminnie', he once said. 'I… I need to talk to you.' I followed him out of the dorm, not asking where we were going. I sensed something was wrong. Our friendship, our bond was that strong. Deep down I had already known for a few days, and I had helped him to keep it from the other concerned members.
He led me into a park we used to hang out as trainees, just before heading back to our homes. A smile almost appeared on my face as my mind was filled with the memories.
'Sungminnie', he said. 'Do you remember?'
'Remember what?' I asked, a little puzzled.
'How we used to spend every night here. How we used to share our secrets, how we used to go through everything that happened at the company, how we used to talk about girls, how we wanted to try what it would feel like to kiss each other…'
And sure enough, a wide, gummy smile appeared on my face. We had kissed that once, both of us inexperienced – I cheriched that memory, even though I had never liked him romantically. It was a nice memory, I would always remember how uncertain we were and how awkward it was. However, he pulled me back from the memories, my smile seeming to trigger a reaction from him.
'A smile', he smiled, sadness reflecting from his eyes, 'is the prettiest thing you can wear.'
'Hyukkie, what's wrong?' I asked, my voice trembling, almost inaudible.
'Never lose that smile of yours. No matter what. You have to promise me', Hyukjae told me, and I promised. As I started tearing up, he pulled me in for a hug and whispered how sorry he was and how much he loved me.
'Hyukkie', I sobbed, pulling away from his arms, searching his eyes for the answer. He never needed to tell me though – I figured it out myself.
We shared a kiss as a good-bye. Soft, gentle and lingering. 'See you later', he said as we parted. 'I'll keep you safe.' By that moment, my vision was blurred, I was only able to see a white figure in front of me, tenderly caressing my cheek, comforting me. Everything else vanished as I let myself surrender to his touch.
Raindrops started to fall on my skin, wetting me completely but I did not even notice. The only thing I noticed then was that he was gone. That I would never see him again. I felt a smile appear on my face as I remembered how he had said: 'See you later.'
For him, and only for him, I was willing to live, to make the effort. I had promised him I would not lose my smile. I never did. I never will. Not even after we meet again.
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