warning: unbetaed

The Greatest Broken Heart

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Yifan, as Zitao would describe, would always be the most composed person he’d ever met in his life. Being older and more experienced in the entertainment business, the older Chinese male was the ultimate role model for the younger. Mysterious and very manly, according to Zitao, were the blonde’s most recognizable features. The brunette adored his duizhang, or probably obsessed with a little hint of fondness – okay, maybe a whole lot of fondness.

It was not like he was gay to begin with, honestly. The martial artist believed that he used to like girls, particularly the older ones. Who would have thought that being in a boyband would change his ual orientation to liking both es. Damn Yifan’s existence and his stupid adoration for the older man. If only the y mess was not alive, he would not have gone insane at this very moment. Zitao would not have this emotional roller coaster all the time, as if he was a hormonal teenage girl. However, loving Yifan was also a blessing that he could not trade with anything in the world.

Actually, the only problem that Zitao experienced right now was the fact that Yifan was as straight as an arrow. Never had he seen the blonde showed any interest in men. The only time when Yifan did show interest was when he had to do the obligatory shipping moments to fans; obligatory taoris moments, obligatory krisyeol moments, obligatory kray moments, and go down the list. Other than that, the blonde would only give his utmost attention to girls just like any men would do. It was not Yifan’s fault to like girls; all men should like girls after all – something that was not Zitao’s thing at the moment.

Maybe the timing was not right or destiny was playing a cruel game on him, but if he could choose some other person to love, surely he would not choose Yifan.  

Sehun for example, was the perfect candidate for him to be honest. They were quite compatible in fate. They were both preferred men, they are the youngest, and they were both dreading the unrequited love. The youngest Korean had been worshipping Luhan since the moment they met. Unfortunately, the deer had a girlfriend. As for his relationship with Zitao, it was obvious for the world to see that they were extremely close, comfortably clinging to each other whenever they were together. Sehun was more mature compared to Zitao and it always gave the latter some sort of ease. Yes, they might be perfect for each other, but they were not in love with one another.

Or could it be Baekhyun? They were the beef couple, famously known for celebrating their birthday in May. They were placed on the far left of the official formation, making them in a constant interaction. Honestly, Zitao and Baekhyun were not that close as to have heart to heart conversation. Both of them were the mood makers, but nothing more than that.

Sure, both Sehun and Baekhyun were nice, very good looking, and also boyfriend material, but no one could turn his legs into jelly like Yifan. No one could make his heart turned gooey like the blonde did. Beyond all of the shipping and the effort to hide his true color on the stage, Zitao would present Yifan all of his heart; whole and sincere. The real problem now was in the blonde’s hand, because no matter how Zitao expressed the way he felt, Yifan would not budge – not even blink. And it was frustrating, somehow, that sometimes the leader was giving mixed signals.

Oh, it was not like Yifan did not know how obvious Zitao’s love was. The blonde chose to ignore the younger instead of acknowledging the latter’s feeling. The brunette could feel the rejection too. There were lots of moments when Yifan acted like he did not give a at all about the younger male. For example, when the younger fell after jumping in Idol Star Athletic Championship, Yifan did not immediately came for him. Or maybe that time at Melon Awards when Yifan did not comfort the younger when the latter was sobbing his eyes out.  The leader was the only person who understood the maknae the most. They were best friends and also brothers. Zitao just did not get why duizhang acted that way; like avoiding him, because it was not as if he would force Yifan to date him, you know. 

“Maybe he’s just a plain , dude. Sometimes he pisses me off when he ignores you.” Daeryong told him last Halloween. Ever since TASTY performed on the same stage as SM artists, Zitao became close to the twins. He became good friends with Daeryong. The older was a good guy version of Yifan. Honestly, if the brunette was not head over heels for Yifan, he would totally date Daeryong.

Zitao gave his friend a desperate look, “But sometimes he does care, sometimes he’s gentle too…” Daeryong fought the urge to roll his eyes at the younger. “I don’t see why do you have to talk to me about this when you know that you won’t stop liking him. Honestly, by this time I think you’re stupid.” Daeryong bluntly replied. Zitao pouted for being called stupid, but he knew that his friend was right.

They took a break, sipping their drinks quietly when Daeryong’s phone was ringing. The rapper smirked when he saw Yifan’s name on his screen. “Yes, Kris?” Zitao raised his eyebrow when that name was mentioned. “Tao? Yes, he is with me now at Du Sel Brilliant, why? ….Okay, sure.” The older handed his phone to the younger.

“Hello, ge?”

Zitao heard duizhang half screamed, “It’s past twelve already. I’m going to pick you up there or you’ll have to get your here in thirty minutes max. And why can’t I call your phone?”

“My phone died…I’ll be home soon, don’t worry just sleep.” The martial artist glanced at his friend and Daeryong was giving him an annoying huge smirk.

“On a second thought, I’ll go there. Wait for me.” The brunette returned the phone once Yifan dismissed the phone call. “Gege’s on his way here.” Zitao told Daeryong with hesitance.

The TASTY member chuckled at the younger’s expression, “Sounds like he’s jealous with my existence.” Zitao was quick to shake his head. “I told you he has no interest for me.” The younger rejected his friend’s idea. Daeryong shrugged his shoulders.

Daeryong could never understand the relationship between Yifan and Zitao. For him, the two were obviously in love with each other although they showed it in a different way. The brunette was more spontaneous and honest about his feeling, while Yifan acted like he did not care.  Daeryong could see how Yifan was always watching the youngest secretly from afar, taking care of him like he was a little brother and ignoring him when he thought it was too much. It was hard to see Zitao being pushed and pulled all over again. The youngest was so used to have his heart broken, but Daeryong could see that he was about to break down anytime soon.

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Zitao, as Yifan would describe, was the most naïve and transparent as summer sky. Being younger and inexperienced in entertainment industry, Yifan felt like he had the obligation to lead the brunette through everything. The blonde felt like he had another younger brother and also a best friend that he could value for his entire life. Their personalities matched really well and whenever Zitao was around, it brought smile on his face. Yifan loved his didi, a lot that he would have expected.

He realized this feeling a few months after they debuted as EXO. It was undeniable attraction at first; his glowing tanned skin and those sharp eyes, drowning him deeper and deeper into the abyss. Then the blonde got to know the softest heart he’d ever met; fragile and vulnerable, but very kind and sincere. Those smiles he would die for, those that you could not see often from the younger. When the brunette was around, Yifan felt complete. Zitao was everything that Yifan could picture as a perfect human ever existed.

The blonde knew how the brunette felt about him. He could see sparkles on Zitao’s eyes whenever they were talking to each other. Yifan secretly enjoyed the special attention that the younger showered him both on or off stage. He could see how Zitao become jealous whenever he got close to girls, even if it was only Amber, his close friend.  Dear Lord, he wanted to return those feeling to Zitao, to monopolize the brunette, and to scream it out loud, but he could never do that. Not now or in near future.

Growing up in a broken family was really hard for the young Yifan. He had never seen his biological father ever since his parents got divorced. After his mother’s remarriage, the Chinese-Canadian felt a little bit left out. The blonde’s stepfather was a good man and he was glad that his mother could trust another man again. However, it was a new little family and Yifan was never a part of it and would never fit in.

Yifan did not want the same thing to happen again. He was afraid to get hurt and being left behind. Sometimes he thought that maybe his father was not proud of him or that he failed him in some ways. No matter how hard the blonde thought about it, he would never get a clear answer. It was then the leader realized that the whole thing that he wanted was a family that stayed together. Yifan desired a happy normal life, growing old with his wife and kids. The leader just did not see going back to Canada and announce to his family that he was in a relationship with another man as an option.

Homouality was something that frowned-upon by society. Being one of them was odd and difficult, almost too impossible for Yifan. He was told since he was a child that there would not be a future in same family. Sure, they could get married and adopt kids, but it was not a real family according to the norm. Sure that the society started to accept it, but Yifan’s family thought that it was not right. Thus, the leader was scared. Scared to fall in love with the brunette. But it was too late and nothing could prevent it.

Yifan certainly was not that heartless. He knew he ignored Zitao and treated him coldly quite a few times. But never it was his intention to hurt the younger in any way. At first, he did it so that no one would find out his ual orientation. Heck, even without doing anything, everyone already thought that he was gay for just about anyone in EXO. However as time passed by, he started to do it to prevent himself for liking the brunette even more. It did not do him any good, because, damn, he fell for Zitao even more. And it also hurt when Zitao gave him that look; the look of a broken hearted man. Zitao would never know that he was also broken and that he felt the same way as the younger.  

Sometimes, his friends would call him all the bad names; a jerk, an , a or even a douche just because he treated Zitao as if he was a play toy. But none of them knew the real reason why Yifan acted this way; like he had to put some distance between him and the younger. He wanted to touch Zitao too, wanted to be kind too, and wanted to love too. But he could not, must not. They were not meant to be for their future’s sake.

For whatever reason, Yifan was not made for Zitao and Zitao was not made for Yifan.

“It’s late, Tao-er.” The blonde brushed the younger’s hair, startling the latter. He took a seat just next to Zitao and glared at Daeryong.

“Come on, he needs to socialize once a while.” Daeryong complained to the EXO’s leader for being so uptight. “Unlike you, our company is damn strict about letting their artists wandering at night.” The Chinese-Canadian retorted, annoyance could be seen on his face. The TASTY member knew that the EXO members were not allowed to go out that late if it were not for job purpose. Beside, the youngest did not even tell the managers that he went out all day and Yifan had to cover for him. It was no surprise to Daeryong that the EXO-M’s leader was pissed that their maknae was not at home.

Yifan pulled the brunette’s arm, “Let’s go home now.”

“Yes, Tao-er, you should go home.” Daeryong added to annoy the blonde even more since he knew that only Yifan allowed to call Zitao with that nickname. Zitao innocently nodded, unaware that the other two guys were trying to annoy each other. The brunette waved his hand at Daeryong and chased his leader out from the café.

 “You shouldn’t hang out with him too often.” Yifan said coldly. Zitao was following him at the back, walking with his leader towards the parking lot. “Why? He’s a nice guy.” Tried to match Yifan’s pace. “I don’t like him. He has ulterior motives.” The leader took his key out from his pocket, unlocking the bicycle’s chain. Sometimes Zitao did not get where duizhang got crazy ideas about his friends. It was not like he would anyone jump on him or anything.

Zitao sat behind the older, letting him ride the bicycle as always. That night was chilly and the street was quiet. The vivid lamps on the street and buildings created constellation on their own ways. Zitao’s dark orbs were blurred by the harsh wind and first snow of the season. All he could see was Yifan’s broad shoulders from behind. The brunette surrounded his arms along the leader’s waist, securing them tightly. He closed his eyes, resting his head on the blonde’s warm back. Yifan was startled at first, but he immediately relaxed at the touch.

Just fifteen minutes.

Just fifteen minutes, Yifan would let them being as close as they could. In that short moment, the blonde would let his heart raced, because the sound of the wind was strong enough to cover the beats. Just less than fifteen minutes when Zitao could bury his face against Yifan’s warmth as if there was a real connection between them. Because once it ended, they would pretend like they were only friends, like everything went normally.

If his power were true, Zitao would have stopped the time.

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“I hate Daeryong.” Yifan muttered before taking a big gulp of his Tsingtao’s draft beer. Luhan blinked once – twice at his friend, “Why?” The deer frowned.

On a day when they have no schedule, they would enjoy drinking at the nearby bar. Of course, without getting drunk and embarrassed themselves to the public – okay, maybe a little drunk in Yifan’s case. Also at a time like this, Yifan would totally spill everything to Luhan and completely clueless about it when he sobered up.

“I bet he’s trying to get into Zitao’s pants.” Yifan hiccupped once before he answered.

“Pfft, don’t forget that you are doing the same thing.” Luhan, completely sobered, was laughing at his friend.

Yifan slurred on the table, murmuring quite loudly, “Hic! It’s different. I can’t be with him, but Zitao…he…hic! Could choose any men he likes anytime.” Luhan understood that Yifan had his own pride, but he honestly did not get the real reason why the blonde was so stubborn about his feeling. Of course, being manly and tough looking, Yifan sometimes got very upset when a love rival came to steal the leader’s favorite member. Damn, the blonde sometimes got angry at Sehun or Suho for being too close with Zitao. This was not the first time the leader complained about the brunette being close to someone else and seriously, Luhan was not so surprised anymore.

“But he doesn’t want anyone else beside you, at least for now. He likes you a lot to stay single up until now. Try kiss a girl in front of him, he’ll still worship you. I think maybe the problem is in you.” Luhan replied, which was apparently the truth. Zitao definitely had gone through many things during this tormenting love maze. Once, Yifan had a girlfriend and they had to watch a very sad Zitao everyday until, finally, the leader broke up. Sometimes Luhan was amazed by the brunette’s endurance for unrequited love. Had it been him in that situation, Luhan would just quit as soon as possible.

But with Zitao, it was always different. The youngest Chinese would always cope with the worst situation as if his heart was already trained for any kind of pain. The brunette did not know how to give up. Even when he was about to, he would gather his last courage and strength to try again.

“Why is it so hard to love someone, hic!”

Luhan gave him a bitter smile, “Everything is always in your hand. Zitao will accept whatever your decision is.” When Luhan finished his sentence, Yifan was already sleeping peacefully. It was amazing how Yifan could sleep anywhere when he was drunk, so Luhan did his own ritual; calling Zitao to take care of drunken Yifan. It would always work.

This time, it was the youngest that came with his bicycle in the middle of the night. The brunette could not believe that Yifan broke the rules for getting drunk in public. “Ge! Wake up, let’s go home.” Zitao literally dragged his older friend from his seat, proceeded to pay the bill, and helped Yifan to walk.

Yifan was heavy and he smelled like alcohol, but if it meant that he could stay with the older just a little bit longer, then Zitao would not mind.

“Hm? Tao-er? Where’s Luhan?” the leader asked once he gained his sanity back. “He went out with his other friends and will be home around 2AM.” The maknae answered as he helped Yifan to sit properly on the bike. “Hold on to me and don’t fall, okay?” he continued after Yifan seemed ready to go.

They rode in another harsh wind of Seoul. This was the first time Yifan sat behind Zitao. Usually, the martial artist and manager would come to pick him up if he got a bit drunk like this.

Zitao’s shoulders were smaller than he thought and they were trembling from the cold weather. Would the younger be warmer if Yifan hugged him from the back? Ah, he wanted to pull Zitao’s body into his embrace, breath against his neck and feel the warmth beneath that skin. There were only five centimeters between them, but he could not give in to this short distance. The blonde could not let the younger knew that he longed even for the slightest touch.

If only he could let himself drunk in love, he would have kissed the alluring spot at the back of the brunette’s neck.

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Zitao’s smile was charming and blinding Yifan’s brown orbs under the dim winter sky. The fresh sweat; a sign of youth and liveliness, trailing down both of their necks as the ran around the court, chasing each other in a basketball game.

“You cheated!” Zitao made a face at the leader, accusing Yifan like he always did.

“I didn’t and you know that, chicken!” the older drabbled the ball away from the younger. Annoyed, Zitao chased the leader to the side of the court, trying to block all the moves. The mischievous blonde smirked, taking one step to intimidate his opponent. The brunette became more and more cautious of the other’s moves. Then, quickly, Yifan made his way forcefully to sneak away from the younger’s guard, tackling Zitao in the process. Yifan made his successful shoot and was about to mock his younger friend, when he realized that Zitao was on the floor with bleeding knee.

“That hurts.” The martial artists pouted as he looked at his new made wound. Yifan felt a little guilty, so he sat down in front of the brunette. The blonde knew that Zitao was just exaggerating to make the older felt bad, but he could not help to play along with it.

“I’m sorry. Will it be better if I blow on it?” and Yifan did as soon as he said that. Zitao grinned from ear to ear at the sight in front of him. “As the punishment, you have to piggy back me and treat my wound.” The younger ordered mercilessly. “Fine, you spoilt brat.” Duizhang turned around and his back was facing the younger. Zitao happily clung to the older, adjusting their position together.

Yifan made a quite loud groan before he complained, “Damn you’re as heavy as a sack of rice.” Zitao did not say anything because a smile was plastered on his face. He surrounded his arms around the taller’s neck.

Yifan walked slowly in purpose, enjoying the moment he had with Zitao. He could feel the younger’s heartbeat, thumping loudly against his back. The blonde listened to it carefully as if he was afraid that he would forget about this. “Ge…?” Zitao whispered gently against his ear. “Hmm?” Yifan hummed, feeling the younger’s arms became tighter.

“Will it always be like this? You and I?” The question was innocent, yet there was an expectation to it. Yifan did not know what to answer. If he said ‘yes’ then neither of them could be happy for the rest of their lives. They would not be able to let go of each other and there would always something hanging up. But if he said ‘no’ then Yifan knew he had to surrender and give all of himself to Zitao. The blonde knew he could not give what Zitao wanted, and it hurt. It hurt so bad to break the younger’s heart just like being slashed by thousands of knives.

They would not have future, not when they were together.

“Anything can change. But us, we’ll always be like this. We’ll always be friends.” Yifan answered as much as it hurt him to do so.  Because what else could he offer the younger besides a promise of eternal friendship?

Zitao’s arms around the older’s neck loosen up, but the younger buried his face against Yifan’s shoulder. The leader could feel hot tears against the edge of his collar, but he pretended as if he was a fool, as always.

The brunette whispered a blatant lie that they both knew, “It hurts…my knee hurts…” Zitao sniffed quietly, trying to suppress the open wound in his heart. “I’m sorry. I’ll fix it for you.” Yifan whispered back although it totally had different meaning. The blonde changed his mind and walked faster to end this misery. But he was too naïve for this was a repeating cycle that would never end.

As promised, Yifan fixed the wound with tender care, but he did not fix Zitao’s wounded heart, leaving it rotten.

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“Are you afraid of changes, ge?” Zitao asked to the TASTY member a few days after that. The older was helping him changing the bandage when he gave his favorite EXO member a visit. Daeryong noticed that the martial artist was not himself since the morning and he figured that this must have relation to Yifan. After all, only Yifan could make Zitao’s mood went up and down.

“Why do I have to? Changes are always for the better, Taozi. Like now, I’m changing your bandage for the better, or else you’d get infection, right?” It was amazing how Daeryong could say something like that, considering that he was pretty much a very easygoing person. But when it came to Zitao, he turned into another person; like there was someone else inside him. The brunette could bring someone’s true self into the surface, probably because he never lied about himself.

Probably this honesty was the trigger of Zitao’s vulnerability against everything around him. Daeryong did not enjoy seeing the constant sorrow on those mesmerizing eyes. Whether as a friend, a brother, or whatever it was, Daeryong wanted to make him happy more than ever.

“He doesn’t want us to change.” And Daeryong did not have to ask who was mentioned in that question. Zitao was staring at his newly bandaged wound; tears were threatening to fall, yet again.

Unable to watch his friend in that state any longer, the older took Zitao’s hand, “Come with me, let’s forget about him for a day.” He said firmly to the younger. Zitao’s vision was already blurred and nothing could be undone, but Daeryong pulled the martial artist towards the back entrance.

In front of the back entrance, Yifan had two cups of warm green tea latte in his hands. He knew that Zitao was always craving for warm drinks in a cold weather like this, so the blonde got their favorite drinks on the way to the company. This could be the only time where he and Zitao could see each other properly, since they had different individual schedules that day.

As soon as the glass doors opened automatically, his and Daeryong’s eyes met. Yifan’s eyes immediately traveled to the man behind the oldest; it was Zitao. But Daeryong knew he should not stop because once Zitao saw the blonde, he would let his guard down even more. The Chinese-Korean walked even faster and within seconds, Yifan could not even move his feet, taken aback by what had just happened.

“Forget about him!” Daeryong half screamed at the brunette. “You deserve someone better. Someone that will treat you right and don’t act as if he didn’t know about your feeling. Just stop hurting yourself.” The older grabbed Zitao’s shoulders.

Oh, how Zitao wished he could do that. No matter how he tried to forget about his feeling for Yifan, he could not stop. And that was his love for the blonde; as deep as the sea and as refreshing as the scent of morning. But all the pretty sparkles always turned into ugly dusts. Between lonely nights and droplets of tears, the longing and endless journey of pain, he tasted the greatest broken heart of all. Perhaps, it would always be bitter, but it was something that he could not just stop like a switch.

“Be with me. Go out with me. I can make you happy, I’ll never let you cry!” Daeryong embraced him tightly. Zitao did not say anything, too tired to even breathe properly. But there was something that he was sure about, that he did not feel warm in those slender arms.

Yifan was sitting on the floor, waiting for his class. Two cups of cold green tea latte were in the trash bin.

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The leader was waiting for the youngest Chinese to arrive at their dormitory that night. Yifan had called the martial artist several times already, but all of those calls went straight to voice mail.

“Quit stomping your legs, please?” Luhan begged for the umpteenth times. They all knew that duizhang would do that if he was worried about something and judging by how he stomped his legs for the last thirty minutes explained that Yifan was actually petrified. Of course the deer knew why; he saw Zitao got stolen by Daeryong earlier this afternoon with his own eyes. In fact, almost all of the EXO members saw that dramatic scene.

They could hear a sound on the door, realizing that it must be Zitao because he always put his shoes inside the shoes cupboard loudly. Yifan quit stomping his legs and pretended as if he did not care. Luhan almost dropped his jaw in big laughter, but thank Lord the deer could hold it.

Zitao walked towards the living room, where Yifan and Luhan were hanging out, “I called you several times, but you didn’t pick up.” The leader gave him a minor scold. The younger did not apologize and instead sitting on the floor, facing his two older friends.

“Ge…Daeryong-ge asked me out…”

“Where to? Why didn’t you go with him?” Luhan asked innocently. Meanwhile, Yifan’s heart was thumping really hard, knowing exactly what Zitao was trying to say. The older could see the tingling blush on the brunette’s cheeks.

“I mean…as a boyfriend…” No, really. Why would Zitao tell them about this? It was not their concern at all whether the younger wanted to go out with the TASTY member or not. But Yifan somehow had expected it; that the brunette wanted his opinion only as assurance. It was like a test given to him and to be honest, telling the leader this would not change the fact that he would not date Zitao. Ever.

Yifan took a short breath and blurted out, “Then go out with him. You guys are close and he’s a good guy. We don’t mind that kind of relationship either,” as he had planned in his brain seconds ago. Luhan glanced at the blonde before he looked at Zitao. The younger’s eyes were wide opened, startled. The deer could see that Yifan’s answer was hurting their younger friend more than anything. Who would not get hurt to hear such thing from someone they loved?

“Do you think so? Then I should do that, shouldn’t I?” Zitao asked once again to make sure he did not hear the wrong thing. “Yeah, you should. I mean, you could date anyone you know.” The leader answered coldly. Luhan felt like slapping the hell out of him already, oh maybe he would when Zitao was not around.

The younger smiled bitterly and got up, “Thanks for the advice, ge. I’ll take a shower now.” The brunette said before he left to his room.

Luhan waited until he heard a click sound, before he sighed at Yifan. “You’re an .” The deer whispered sharply. Yifan rolled his eyes, “And you obviously don’t know anything.” The leader retorted. The older raised his eyebrows in disbelief, “Excuse me, of course I know everything. You’re always whining about Tao when you’re drunk. You’re the one who’s totally clueless about this.” The deer crossed his arms. Yifan did not care anymore, frankly. The blonde was actually quite glad that Zitao would get a boyfriend anytime soon. At least, he did not have to deal with a certain love struck martial artist and they could move on with their lives.

Having a relationship with a man would only complicate things even more between them. They already had stable friendship, why was not it enough for both of them? Why did they have to change everything between them into a relationship, which was riskier? When they dated each other and then broke up in the future, it would make it harder to be friends since they were in the same company and group. Yifan did not want this kind of trouble. The blonde wanted to date someone that he practically could date or marry in the future, not a burden like Zitao. No matter how much he loved the younger man, in the end it would only be an empty relationship; one that would end too soon before they knew it.

“Yifan, if he got a boyfriend, you won’t have any rights to keep him close to you. Do you understand that?” Luhan grabbed his friend’s arms to knock him up back to reality. The leader did not say anything. He knew all the consequences of course, including getting his heart torn apart. Just the idea of Zitao being with someone made his stomach churned.

 ‘It would be okay’, Yifan thought, 'I would be just fine, this is just a phase.’

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The EXO members were waiting in front of the studio so they could have their dance practice anytime soon. They were all tired after the fansigning earlier that afternoon, but there was no a day without practicing even only for good two hours. Baekhyun and Chanyeol kept throwing jokes to lighten up the mood and sometimes the small crowd caused an erupted laughter. The managers bought them six boxes of pizza, knowing that the boys became hungry monsters if they were not feed well.

Yifan was sitting on the corner, chewing his pizza while staring at Zitao who was on the phone since a while ago. It was Daeryong, obviously, because he could Zitao’s voice crystal clear from his distance. The blonde did not like it at all because Daeryong could call anytime, even when they were working or in a meeting. The blonde also did not like how the brunette’s face brightened up when that name appeared on his phone’s screen. Moreover, he did not like the things that they were talking about on the phone. It was stupid to talk about what food they ate that day, whether they had taken shower or not, or what schedule they would have the next day. For Yifan, those things were merely nonchalance.

“Tao-er, stop talking on the phone, we gotta practice!” Yifan shouted, unable to keep his unpleasant feeling towards the younger. Zitao signaled to the older that he would finish in a minute. Before they knew it, the trainees went out from the practice room and greeted them politely. Their managers told them that the room would be available in five minutes. The rest of the boys invited the trainees to eat the last pieces of pizza.

Meanwhile, Yifan was still staring at the brunette who was still talking on the phone. “快去上班!!” The leader changed the language into Chinese, making several Chinese trainees glanced at them in curiosity. “I’m coming, ge!” the brunette said, but a huge grin returned to his face as soon as the guy on the phone said something. The other member walked into the room and immediately did stretching.

Yifan could not wait any longer, so he walked towards the younger and grabbed his arm forcefully. “Huang Zitao, come with me. NOW.” The leader said firmly before he dragged the youngest Chinese into the room. “What the hell, ge?! I told you I’ll be done in a minute!” the brunette complained, trying to release his arm from the leader’s grip. All the members and trainees were staring at them, but the leader could care less. He wanted to Zitao to be in that room as soon as possible so they could start practicing.

“When I told you to hurry up, you’d better hurry and stop talking to your boyfriend!!” Yifan finally released the younger’s arm. The members finally got why the leader was screaming at the martial artist. They did not have to guess twice to understand that Wu Yifan was jealous to the so-called Zitao’s boyfriend. The younger did not say anything; eyes were already teary from all the scolding and embarrassment. Sehun immediately put his hand on Zitao’s shoulder and guided his friend, so that Yifan could cool his head off.

They started their practice a few minutes after Yifan’s sudden explosion. Although it went normally, no one dared to say a single word. When they reached home, Yifan went straight to his room, slamming the door for all of the members to hear. Zitao sat on the sofa, did not know what to do in this situation.

Ever since he told Luhan and Yifan that Daeryong asked him out, the leader had been acting like he had lost his mind. The blonde was constantly in a bad mood, shouting when he was not pleased with something. Yifan also refused to talk to Zitao and only talked regarding important things. Zitao felt emotionally drained by how the leader acted towards him. And he was embarrassed that Daeryong had to listen to Yifan’s scream whenever they were on the phone.

“You okay? Kris-ge must be tired, don’t mind him, okay?” Yixing brushed the younger’s hair with brotherly affection. Zitao only nodded, but his expression could not lie. “I’ll beat his , don’t worry.” Luhan scoffed, ready to make his way to Yifan’s room when Zitao grabbed the older’s arm to stop him. “Let him be, ge. I’m fine, really.” The youngest Chinese begged. He just did not want to add fuel to the fire and made Yifan even pissed than before. Whatever it was, he would endure it, as long it would not anger the blonde even more. Being screamed at was already bad enough and he did not want to be hated just because of a single phone call and petty conversation.

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By this time around, all the remaining members thought that Yifan had finally reached the maximum level of paranoid. It was not only Zitao that felt very uncomfortable, but also the members who had to listen to the duizhang’s scolding. However, since this was not their concern and they all knew that Yifan was only being jealous, they did not want to pry.

‘Why, why, why’ Yifan thought in mind, tired for acting like a big jerk toward Zitao for a couple of days. Everything that they younger did just pissed him off. Moreover, he could not stop assuming that the martial artist was in constant contact with the TASTY member. Their closeness irritated Yifan to his bones. The brunette was supposed to rely on him and not Daeryong. The blonde just did no know what Zitao saw in the older man. In his mind, Daeryong certainly was not as good-looking as him or as successful as him. Why would Zitao choose that guy, anyway?

Yifan was supposed to let go of his feeling for Zitao already. Deep inside, a piece of his heart was missing and left a gaping hole that needed to be filled. If there was a chance, the blonde wanted to change everything he had with the younger man. Being friends was too difficult and smothering. Being lovers was too frail it could shatter within time. All he needed was a little courage to change everything and gave himself a reason to fall completely in love, but changing was the thing he dreaded the most. It was almost like season, it kept changing in the same cycle. No matter how their so-called friendship changed over time, the cycle would still be the same – constant and unidirectional. What would be more agonizing than a sheltered love?

And that was how Yifan would love Zitao, sheltered and changing under the name of friendship. Slowly - gradually, it would kill himself, but he had to do it to protect the both of them.

“Just so you know. I don’t date Zitao.” Daeryong told him out of the blue right in the middle of their usual meet up session with Fei, Jia, and Zhoumi. Well, Yifan did not remember asking Daeryong a question whether the older dated Zitao or not. But it did not take twice to realize that Yifan had a major crush for the martial artist though.

“And I hope you’ll stop putting him in a situation where he doesn’t have other options but to accept that you guys will only be just friends.” The blonde frowned even more than before. Was he that obvious to people around him? Was it that easy to read what he had in mind? Did Zitao also know about his feeling for him? No, those questions did not matter now. This was not an easy matter after all.

“I wish I could, but I can’t.” Yifan replied him with an easy strike.

“Because you’re afraid that it’d be difficult in the future? It’s funny. You shouldn’t have given him mixed signals at all if you didn’t want to be with him.” Daeryong replied sarcastically, enough to frustrate the blonde. All of the things that the oldest said were true and he had no reasons to deny it. Sometimes Yifan wanted to make Zitao smiled more than anything, but when he knew it was too much, he pulled back, ditching him like nothing happened. The leader knew he was at fault, but this was not something he wanted.

“I told Zitao many times to give up, but he doesn’t know such thing. It’s quiet sad to see him being in an emotional rollercoaster all the time. So, you know, just make things clear between you two or I’ll take his hand like last time and I won’t return him to you anymore.” And that hit Yifan hard. No, he would not let Zitao got stolen again, but he just could not go ahead and tell the younger everything. The blonde had kept this secret, neat and accordingly for such a long time.

“Hi, I’m back! Were you guys talking about me?” Zitao popped up and sat between the two older men. Daeryong immediately smiled and patted the youngest’ head. “It’s time for you to leave, right? It’s already late.” The oldest told both Zitao and Yifan. A little push for Yifan made Daeryong a little bit releaved. They bid goodbye to the others and usual took the bicycle to go back home.

Feelings were erupted inside Yifan’s heart, disturbing and tickling his mind to just blurt everything to the man he loved.

‘This isn’t love’

The words echoed inside the blonde’s mind.

‘Love doesn’t work this way.’ Yifan thought again, because love was not supposed to be like this. Love was supposed to bring you happiness. Love was not supposed to make your heart wrenched in pain and brought two people into a complicated and miserable situation. Thus, this was not the kind of love that Yifan knew and wanted to experience. If love was meant to be hurt, why such thing existed? Why do people enjoyed being in love when it was just an endless torturous thing?

Love was momentarily. How could something that barely eternal could change something that they already had for such a long time?

Meanwhile, Zitao was sitting quietly behind Yifan, before he surrounded his arms around the older’s waist just like he always did. The brunette did not want to be seen, he wanted to be translucent behind the older man.

Just like those moments he had spent with Yifan, Zitao wanted to be hidden in their own little world in such a short span. But this time, the martial artist let his guard down as the blonde stopped his bicycle.

“Ge, wha—“ the brunette asked, nose was bumping against the older’s back.

Yifan’s breath was heavy, “I hate Daeryong, because he’s close to you. I hate it when he touches you and I hate it when you’re spending your time with him and not with me.” Yifan blurted out and Zitao was just sitting there, startled.

“Ge, but… why?” Zitao shook the older’s shoulders. Yifan buried his face against his palms, too embarrassed to face the man behind him directly. This was not supposed to happen and the blonde felt stupid for not being able to stop his mouth from saying things. Yifan hated it when he lost his control and this was exactly the moment he hated the most.

“I just don’t like it!” Yifan half screamed. Zitao got up from the passenger’s seat and moved to face the leader, knowing to well that all the blonde wanted to do was hiding from him.

“Yifan, you can’t do this. You’re not my lover and I don’t have to listen to what you want. This isn’t how it should work.” The younger said, feeling frustration built up to his head.

“I like you, okay? A lot. And it’s frustrating to see you with some other guy. And it’s also frustrating that we can’t be together.” The leader finally confessed. Sure this was news to Zitao. He was not even sure that Yifan felt that way towards him. Although the younger the idea had crossed his mind before, but the leader’s attitude always tore his theory down.  

“Why can’t we?” the brunette asked, calmer than before as he felt the necessity to think clear in order to understand the situation. Meanwhile, Yifan took a deep breath, finding the courage to see Zitao’s dark orbs. “It’s obvious, isn’t it? We can’t obviously announce to the world that we’re together. Our relationship will be risky… Zitao, if there’s something that I want, it’s a normal relationship just like everybody has… Walking down the street holding hands, having a family in the future…” Yifan explained desperately.

Zitao was really hurt by what Yifan told him. He was not a woman and dating him of course would not be the same as dating girls. Yifan’s logic did not get into his mind. Was Yifan just blaming him for being a man? This was not fair at all.

“If you don’t want us to be together, then don’t tell me what to do, ge. I’m tired of this too. You’re always treating me as if there was something between us and then before I knew, you treat me as if I was nothing. It hurts.” The brunette could feel his body was trembling, “If you want this to work then don’t do it so half-heartedly. And if you don’t want me the way I want you, then… let me go.” His nose was getting red from the cold weather and cheeks were wet from the tears.

Should he wipe those drops of tears from Zitao’s eyes when he knew he could not promise anything? Yifan wanted the whole Zitao too. He wanted it so badly. But he was not ready to change everything in his life, in fact he would never be ready. But if he did not take this chance, the brunette would be taken away from him again. Would he be happy if he took this risk?

Yifan was not good with words or even vocal about his feeling. He was not like Zitao who could describe his feeling right away when the time was right. Everything that came out from the leader’s mouth always turned into unnecessary problems.

Zitao would never know how Yifan was hurting too, that he was scared of many things that might come in the future. But that was okay. The younger did not need to know this side of him, maybe not now. So Yifan touched that soft skin, tracing the fluffy hair as he composed words that he wanted to say in a simple way.

“I’m complicated and I’m frustrating to be with. I want to be with you more than anything, but…please be patient with me. When the time is right, I’ll give myself to you; the whole of me.” Yifan finally said. He was not ready for a relationship with Zitao, but at least he would try, slowly but sure. Love was indeed painful and complicated, but the blonde could tolerate it.

Zitao watched the man he had adored for such a long time. The brunette just could do this any longer. If Yifan really did not want him, then so be it. The martial artist did not want to gamble for something so uncertain, where the older would not even commit to this relationship – or whatever it was. Zitao wanted all of Yifan, not just some promising words.

On the other side, Yifan did not mind if Zitao would not wait, really. After all, he was the selfish one in this relationship. It could take forever for them to be in this relationship and it was not fair if he let the younger waited without a clear answer.

The leader shut his eyes, enjoying the warmth of Zitao’s body. ‘I hope I can surrender soon.’ But then Zitao released himself from Yifan’s arms. The younger cupped the blonde’s cheeks and muttered,

“I’m sorry, ge. I can’t do this.”

Yifan smiled bitterly, knowing that this was probably the best resolution to all of their worries and problems. They could not be together. Both of them understood this situation really well. Yifan and Zitao were in love with each other, but they wanted different things. Maybe this was not the right time. Maybe in the future, they would see things differently and decided to be together. Love took a lot of time to grow and bloom. They could not force their feelings to one another when none of them wanted to give up.

“But I’m glad to know that we do have feelings for each other.” Zitao wiped his own tears, returning the same bitter smile to the older man. “Maybe next time?” Yifan chuckled when he heard that old lame joke from Zitao.

Yifan took the younger’s hands, dragging him closer. Zitao was staring at the man who just broke his heart. The brunette leaned forward, then their lips touched for the first time. It was not a warm kiss like Zitao had expected. It was freezing as it was snowing and the temperature dropped. Their lips were not soft like in manhwas or novels. The brunette could feel the other’s calloused fingertips, gently brushed the side of his cheek.  But despite all of these flaws, it felt right for the both of them. It could be a beginning or an end. It did not matter anymore.

Riding the bicycle back to the dormitory, Zitao could not stop crying his heart out. When two people who were in love could not be together, it was the greatest broken heart of all. But they would be alright. Nothing could heal a broken heart better than the time itself.

The winter wind was harsh and this time, Zitao did not put his arms around Yifan’s waist.

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Many years later, Yifan was holding Zitao’s arms once again. Their hearts were still one, but this time the blonde was ready and it was the greatest love story of all.

-fin-

a/n

thank you so much for reading. please do comment <3 <3 <3

and I'm really sorry for errors. english isn't my first language ;~: