There is no way to easily describe, falling out of love. For Sehun, it was almost instant. It was not natural and that’s what frightened him the most.

One day, he was sleeping by Luhan’s side, snug and sound, wrapped up in his warmth. He loved to watch him sleep, and as the light dimmed, his lover’s skin seemed to lose its glow, yet Sehun could still feel the heat channelling from his skin, into his.

The next, Luhan was shedding tears in front of him, asking him why he doesn’t remember him. Sehun explained that his head was blank, his heart was empty, his body did not feel the need to be wrapped up with his.

It was only two days ago, they had shared a memorable evening together, with Luhan’s home cooked meal which he had accidently burnt because Sehun had coaxed him childishly to watch some videos with him. They had played piano to each other, Sehun giggling at Luhan’s child photos while Luhan concentrated on the sheet music in front of him. They laid on the couch, after Sehun’s high had calmed down, and he had stopped tickling Luhan to death. They had kissed, never wanting to let go.

It had been yesterday that Sehun began to realise something was wrong – That the name on his phone screen gave him no excitement, and the words he read meant nothing. It confused Sehun. It confused him to the point where it hurt Luhan. It hurt Luhan, and it hurt Sehun, that he didn’t care.

            “How do you feel about me?”

“I don’t know. I know you, but I don’t know you. But if you want the truth, I can honestly say I don’t feel a single thing for you right now.”

            “Oh, okay.”

Luhan was nothing to Sehun.

            “Look, I’m not here at the moment. Just wait…until I get back or something.”

            “When will you be back? I miss Sehun. I miss him…”

            “I don’t ing know. Just give me some space.”

            “Sorry.”

Sehun tried to remember, he looked through all his photos of Luhan – nothing. He watched his videos, one where Luhan had pulled him into a hug and nearly suffocated him – nothing.

He knew him, he knew his name and he knew who he was as a person. But there were no memories of him, and more importantly, there were no feelings attached to those memories. He felt hollow – in fact, he felt exactly as he did before he had met Luhan, plateauing at a constant nothing – no happiness, no sadness – just nothing.

And that was what he felt now.

Nothing.

And it was starting to wear thing on Luhan.

             “You know what, I think I’m gonna go. I have some thinking and waiting to do.”

            “Thinking?”

            “That’s right, so goodnight.”

Sehun didn’t know why, but that last sentence hurt him a little. He didn’t want to hurt this person, after all, he was apparently his boyfriend – apparently he loved him. But in a second, Sehun was over it, and nothingness prevailed and he closed the laptop and fell asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow.

It wasn’t his fault he felt nothing – it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t remember anything.

Every day that went past, through endless messages where Luhan would try and talk to Sehun, and Sehun would get annoyed at this person pestering him, Luhan’s rope got shorter. Sehun would play piano, cook, clean, watch movies – he would go an entire day without even thinking of Luhan once. It should have surprised him, for it was only a handful of time ago, Sehun couldn’t go one minute without telling his boyfriend of the creepy stranger on the train, or the amazing luck with the street lights he had on his way over.

Sehun had never been much of a talker; he’d kept to himself, screened himself from the outside. He liked it that way. It was only until he’d met Luhan that his world began to revolve around something other than music, other than art. It began to revolved around a human being, and this being became the Sehun’s raison d’être, his reason for being.

Another night passed with the courtesy text of a plain, unloving bye, rather than a usual goodnight, I love you. Time passed quickly, and Sehun often felt like he was trapped in time, everything moved slowly – everything was routine, something which had broken when Luhan decided to take him out to dinner spontaneously. Nothing mattered, and it scared Sehun that he’d lost the passion he’d once had in his life. He couldn’t even remember what passion felt like, to feel passionately about a person, to feel passion with a person. It had left, with all his memories – merely fragments of his past, sometimes tied with Luhan.

                “Do you have any memories of me?”

“I get fragments; I’m there, you might be there – walking with me. I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like they’re my memories. If feels like I’m seeing somebody else’s life. I feel you shouldn’t be there. You’re not supposed to be there. It’s always been me, just me – for as long as I can remember.

                 You’re not meant to exist.”

Something should have stopped Sehun from typing that last message. Something should have screamed at him not to send it, knowing very well that it would shatter Luhan, maybe into something unfixable, maybe he was already shattered. Maybe Sehun had done all the damage he could already possibly have done. Sehun didn’t know, and almost painfully, almost, Sehun didn’t care.

The days flew by, or maybe they merely walked. Maybe they stopped moving altogether, or maybe they moved so fast they slurred into weeks without Sehun realising.

He found himself at his piano, long thin fingers trembling over the keys. He found himself playing a song that he and Luhan would call theirs – and for some reason, while he played the powerful ballad, something hurt in his chest. It latched onto it, and squeezed – it was almost painful. Sehun inhaled sharply, tears pricking at his eyes. He didn’t know what was happening. His fingers danced on the notes, his world spinning. He pulled himself upright, in an attempt to stop body from collapsing. He ended the song on a long, painful note. It lingered in the air while Sehun merely sat, frozen and gasping for air through his aching lungs. He left his piano in a hurry. Phone in hand, he waited a solid ten minutes. What if he was eating dinner, he usually ate dinner around this time. Sehun realised that he remembered something, it wasn’t much and he still didn’t feel anything – Luhan was still a stranger in his mind, but in his heart, perhaps they had just met all over again.

“Oh hey?”

“Um, hello…”

The voice on the other end was about as unfamiliar as Sehun could imagine. He wanted to tell him about their song, that maybe he felt something, but as soon as Luhan had spoken, he’d lost everything. He was on the phone, to a person he couldn’t even remember, about to tell him that he finally felt something, but like when speaking to a unfamiliar voice, face or just person in general – nerves had kicked in.

“I um, I think I might have just wanted to call you.”

“That’s…that’s good.”

“Um, are you having dinner?”

“Well, yeah, but it’s alright.”

“You sure? I’m sorry.”

“No, no honestly, it’s alright.”

“I had something to tell you, but I think…I think I’ve forgotten.”

“Hmm…that’s a shame. Tell me when you remember?”

Sehun laughed to himself.

“Okay. Well, I’ll – I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay then. Bye.”

He hung up.

Sehun buried himself in his sheets. He didn’t know how long he laid there for, whether he fell asleep or not, whether it was dark outside of not, whether Luhan had finished dinner or not. He didn’t know.

His phone lit up.

New message.

This time when he talked to Luhan, he didn’t feel the need to leave. He wanted to stay. He was still foreign, but Sehun felt the need to try – try and remember him.

“I might be remembering, I don't know. I just felt like I was missing you, or something. I was playing piano and I suddenly remembered the time we were at the shops and I thought you were so lame for buying Yu-Gi-Oh cards, but when I remembered that, the feeling I suddenly got made me feel like crying.”

“…but…but, being like this, how I'm feeling now, this emotion, I don't know. It's something, and I really really for the first time in ages it seems, I really want to hug you.”

Sehun let the truth pour out of him. He didn’t know if it meant anything, after all the hurtful things he’d said, but he just felt the need to tell him.

            “I feel like I’m waking up from a nightmare.”

He couldn’t explain it – that as close as he could get. Especially when his mind could no longer string words together, and his screen was becoming blurry with each blink.

            “I feel like I’m breathing for the first time.”

It was the first wave of emotion he’d felt in this entire period of time. It was…amazing.

“I feel warmth and comfort in my memories, and I would surely hope you'll stay with me so we can share more of them.”

Every night, Luhan had asked about his feeling towards him. Sehun had told him the truth each time, he felt nothing for him. Luhan had asked about it being the end of them, but something in Sehun told him that it wasn’t – even though he never felt he loved him, he knew that he would come back to his senses.

And now, Sehun could finally feel it again.

And he could finally say,

               “I always knew I loved you. Despite everything – I will always love you.”

The phone rang in his hand after he’d sent that message. It was Luhan. He held the phone up to his ear.

“Hello?”

“…”

“Hello?”

“…”

“…Hello?”

The call ended and Luhan’s message flashed on the screen.

            “Well that was awkward.”

Luhan called again and Sehun put the phone up to his ear again.

“Hello?”

“…”

“What the hell? Oh-oh my god wait! I forgot my earphones were plugged in. Just-just hold on a second!”

Sehun pulled out the earphones.

“Hello?!”

There was a faint chuckle on the other end, followed by a simple,

“I love you.”

And in that moment, Sehun’s world returned to him. And he could do nothing but laugh – just laugh at everything – his stupidity, Luhan’s cheesiness, and how he could ever feel else but love for this person in his life. 

-- Editor's Note Hi guys If you didn't read the comment in the foreword, this story is complete based on true events. This was difficult for me to write, because it was so upsetting to write and explain how it felt to lose love for the one you're supposed to love. I could not have my typical sad ending, because after all, I wanted to express my happiness of being reunited.