Dear Diary
☆ My Sad Diary ☆
Dear Diary, why do i always fall in love with guys i can't reach? When I love a guy, then that guy would gradually gain popularity and many girls approach him. (Or is it that I only fall in love with the common guys that most girls want?) And then, I'd become the last one that he would chose because there are many beautiful, perfect and flawless girls around him. I really wish and sincerely hope I would be someone's secret love as I am always the only one to love other secretly.
Dear Diary, why is it so hard for me to become the one of the guy i like? Why are there so many girls who are very charming and pretty when there's not even a beautiful part on my body? I envy them a lot. A LOT.
Dear Diary, i had my first love when i was 10. At tuition, i would act boyish so that i could get more chance to be near the boys, especially him. I would sit on the last table on the boys side so that I could secretly watch his back and his adorable actions. That year quickly finished and the next year, he was chosen King of our class and some girls would try to get close to me so that they could have more chance to know about him and get him or some would say bad things about me, envying that i could speak and stay by his side as a friend. I didn't have a girl friend because of that. But i was happy. When he realised that the girl loved him, he would not talk to her. After two years, things would be the same as before but his friends began to tease us, especially me that i liked him. He would be mad when his friends with some other girls like that. But he would always smile and told them not to tease me. And he would still continue to talk to me like nothing happened. I was really happy that i was treated by him like that. When one day, he was in need of new book and i gave him, he returned me back a new one the next day. I had kept it till today and even kissed on it whenever i thought about him. I loved him for 6 years secretly. I still don't know for sure if he knew it or not. The matriculation exam finished and our high school days ended. Then, that way, we separated and my heart calmed down during the holidays. And we remained as friends and our history was ended there.
Dear Diary, I have never believed in love at first sight till I met him, the second love of my life. On the first day of university, me and my friends walked around the building and as we walked at the corridor in front of canteen, he was also walking to our direction from the other side with his friend. At first, i only saw his friend because he looked like a korean comedian often seen in most dramas. Then i looked at his side and saw him. I thought my heart stopped beating for a moment. After both of them passed my group, i took a note in my mind,"He is the only one who is handsome in my badge.". After that day, the university closed and opened again after two weeks,1st January 2013 to be exact. There were three sections and the students were divided by their names. And i found out that he and I were together in section B. I felt happy and relieved that now i could see him every day. And i realised that i was falling in love with him.
I added him as friend on facebook with my secret account and confessed to him, feeling secure that he wouldn't find out who I am. He said let's try to be friends. After that i recently saw him talking on phone at break times and found out that he already had a girlfriend. I told myself that I would be like a fangirl to him, rather than feeling sad over the fact that he was owned. The welcoming party for our badge was celebrated on third week of January. Before that, ECs of each section collected votes for King, Queen, Prince & Princess. Like i promised to myself, i voted him as much as i could , actually i was the first one to give him vote as King. My friends thought i was crazy. Unfortunately due to some groups of friends using votes only for their friend, that friend became King instead of my boy. And wonder who those cheaters were? My first love and his friends. Since the day university opened, my first love and i would meet in corridors and i would try to talk to him but he ignored me. He acted strange since then so i tried to avoid him and his friends as much as i can, fulfilling his wish.
Days passed normally for me; I looked at my second love secretly as much as i could and fangirled like that's not a problem ,till a week before my birthday in February. I was boring and I opened my secret account to read our chat messages which contained nothing but casual talk between friends like how's studying lessons, etc. But there was a message from him asking "How do you think? I have known you or not?" I thought i got a heart attack that moment and no words came from my mind. I typed back ,"How would i know? May be you have or may be not. Idk." And then he suddenly became online and sent me another message ,"Okay. Another question:Do you want me to know you or not?" His questions became more and more difficult to answer, making me doubtful if he had already known who i was. So i asked him back,"Do you know me?" and his reply was ,"I won't tell you ;P". And i was like O.o what the hell?!. He was teasing me. And another message came in,"I think you don't want me to know you. Okay I will just pretend as if i don't know you." I was like 'Is he being smart or dumb?!'. If he had already know that i didn't want him to know, why was he saying to me that he would pretend? I was tongue-tight and couldn't even think of how stupid i would have seemed to me these past days when i was acting like a crazy fangirl to him. I slapped my own face in shame. But not giving up, i messaged him back,"Well, then prove to me. That you know me." After a minute, "Your name's first letter is Y." appeared on my screen. I was like literally shouting out like a mad man. But i calmed down myself since there are so many Ys in our section. I asked him to continue again and he replied me back,"And double letter behind Y." That was when i didn't know where to put my face. There was only 3 girls who had double letters behind Y; me who was always in places where he went, the another one with a boyfriend and the another one who only knew to study. So who was left in that three. Me!
Dear Diary, that was the most shameful moment i had ever faced in my life. I asked him how he knew and he said that was his skill which made me laugh. After that we would continue to chat about school days and lessons. After 1st Test in March, April was closed as summer holidays. And we didn't talk much as there was nothing to say. University opened again on May, and the news made me shock as well as happy that he had broken up with his girlfriend since their long-distance relationship couldn't work. Things between us got a lot better than before. But we still didn't talk each other outside but he sure started to look at me. My friends would look at him for me cause i wasn't brave enough to look at him. Actually i should be the one looking at him and he should be the one avoiding me. But i was the one avoiding him and he was everywhere i went. I did that because a lot of girls had been trying to get him so being me, i tried to take myself back from being one of those girls.
Dear Diary, whenever i saw him, my heart beated faster. When his eyes met mine, my breathing hitched. When he walked pass in front of me, i couldn't stop staring at him. When i heard about the girls who love him, i felt insecure and depressed because i was way less than them. But i was happy that most of his attention were on me though i did know he was just interested in me because I liked him.
Dear Diary, why is this so-called fate so cruel to me? I was really into my second love and what i heard was my first love liked me. Just why were things turning out like this? If only my first love had said it in the beginning of our 1st year, we would have definitely become lovers. But how could that happen now when i had already moved on. It's not like i didn't love him anymore either. There was still lingering feeling over him whom i had loved for nearly 6 years. But the way my heart beats for him was now nothing when compared to the love for my second love. Why was it happening to me?!
Dear Diary, things between me and my second love became more complicated. It was on July second week that i decided to let go of my love for him bit by bit since i felt like there was no way for me to make him mine. But then, after that day, at university, i got a heart attack!!!!!! It was like this: i was checking his attendance infront of chemistry department and i recognized he and his friend were walking to my direction. I thought they were just passing by so i ignored them. Seeing him getting above 75%, i moved onto the spot where my attendance was. I looked at mine and slowly stepped and turned abruptly just to see his cheek. My vision got blurred and my heart skipped a beat. I didn't know he was behind me. I had never ever had that kind of heavy feeling! We got so close!! I had barely faced him so to see him in a very near way was like a tragic shock to me. If i had stepped back one more, i would already be in his arms!!! I couldn't even breathe at that moment. Just when i thought of letting him go, he gave me this kind of itsy bitsy feeling!!! Damn, my love life was not sparing me again.
Dear Diary, two days passed and when i came to school that day, i looked for him at canteen which i always did. But then he was there and our eyes met. It was the very first time he had ever looked directly at me for a long time. Because he would avoid my stare whenever i caught him looking at me. My mind was stirred. Why was he acting like this? Was he playing with me?
Dear Diary, there was this day when i noticed that he was actually looking at me. First of all, he waited and looked at me before chemistry 2nd period started. Second, he waited till i got to the practical room. Third, he looked at me while buying drink during break time. Fourth, he freaking damn looked at me THRICE at canteen. when i skipped chem period! ( one when he reached canteen and looked at me, second before he sat down, third when he went back to class) Fifth, he followed me the whole break time and startled a bit in front of section A where i was taking pics of maths. Sixth,he walked close by me to look at the results when the corridor is so wide!!! WHY IS HE DOING LIKE THAT?!?! I was like ," Please just kill me instead of doing those kinds of things to me. Just don't make my hopes high when you aren't serious......."
Dear Diary, you must also be boring with my love life right? You must be. But things turned out bad, a lot bad when one of his friends spread the whole school that I loved him. After that happened, he stopped looking at me and all of his friends would say things and laugh at me whenever i went to canteen he was sitting although i even didn't know he was there and i just walked there to buy a drink. Can't I love him? Don't i have the chance to love him? I was just loving him by myself, i didn't even stalk him and give things like other girls did. But then why was I the only to be treated like i did something bad or wrong? Since then i didn't even have the courage to walk past where he and his friends would be staying.
Dear Diary,everyday going to university was like a hell to me. I heard that a girl, more beautiful and more intelligent than me, was getting more chance to be near him. My friends told me about it and i just shrugged over that since there was nothing i could do. All i could ever do was hoping that he would find a girl who loved him like he loved her and be happy.
Dear Diary, i heard today that a girl from 2nd year was all over him and trying to stick to him like a super-glue. I just didn't know why i felt empty and sad at that moment. Was that only me among the girls who loved him being treated like this?
Dear Diary, please just make my heart feel nothing about love. I have shut the door to my heart and i will never let someone to open this again. Because if i did, i think i wouldn't be able to handle like i did in the past. So please just let my heart rest in peace and not disturbed by love affairs again.
Comments