I’m Han Gayoung, born from a Chinese mother and a Korean father. For the first ten years of my life, I lived in China. When my mother died, my father brought us back here to Korea. My first two years in Korea was not easy. I didn’t know the language. Because of that I couldn’t exactly leave the house without my father accompanying me, in fear that I would get lost in the streets. And instead of going to school, I was home schooled. Life was really boring then. I studied, watched TV, and toyed with my dollhouse all day long. I had no friends. I was lonely.

 

*             *             *

 

One day, some family moved into the house beside ours. I was excited. My father and I went to greet our new neighbors that early morning.

 

That was when I met the love of my life: Luhan. He was unfriendly and cold that I got discouraged easily. I went back home feeling down.

 

But a light of hope went ablaze when that night I sat around my study table just beside the window and realized that from my seat, I can clearly see into Luhan’s room. I knew it was his because boyish toys were scattered all over the floor.

 

Our windows were literally almost an arm’s length apart. I hurriedly opened my window and climbed onto my table to tap on his window.

 

Thinking of the devil, his door twisted opened and he entered his room. He looked at me disapprovingly, but I shrugged it off as I mouthed to him to open his window. He scowled at me, then ignored me.

 

His actions hurt me. I was just trying to be friends with him.

 

*             *             *

 

Months had passed and I found out that Luhan was already in his first year of middle school. In that entire length of time, I never made progress in making Luhan become friends with me. I almost lost hope when one day my father suddenly asked me if I wanted to try going to school like how a normal kid would.

 

It spiked my interest immediately and told him that I wanted to attend the same school Luhan did. My father was delighted that I was eager, so he processed the papers immediately. It was agreed that I would enter the next school year.

 

Ever since I got the news, I stalked Luhan. I wrote him love letters I would never send. I would wake up in the middle of the night just to watch him sleep from my window. When I was feeling brave enough, I would unlock the window from his room (It was really tricky to find out how!) and sneak into his room to get a picture of his sleeping face.

 

I knew I was being creepy, but I would do anything if it meant chasing after my love.

 

*             *             *

 

Finally, the day I waited for my entire life had arrived.

 

I was really excited and happy. I loved the school uniform on me. I loved the drive from home to school. But nervousness crept on me when I realized that I knew no one in school. The students around me were huddled into groups and I felt lost. I was hoping I would bump into Luhan, but I never saw him on my first day.

 

My father fetched me and I went home feeling as if my life just got out of my body. I went to peek into Luhan’s room and saw that he wasn’t there. I wondered where he was.

 

*             *             *

 

The first week passed by slowly and in a very dull manner. I had never felt so bored in my life.

 

Luhan, I found out, was my classmate and, luckily, my seatmate too. But he was nowhere to be found. His entire family was missing! It made me worried. 

 

So one night, I asked my father if he knew where Luhan’s family was. He had told me that Luhan had to stay with his aunt while his parents were abroad. I remembered sighing at that remark. Why hadn’t my father told me earlier? That way, I wouldn’t have been lovesick.

 

Through the nights that passed, I couldn’t sleep properly. I can’t stop thinking about Luhan.

 

*             *             *

 

When Luhan finally returned, my life became better. I saw colors everywhere and the butterflies in my tummy didn’t bother me at all. In fact, they were very pleasant.

 

Luhan still avoided me though. If I can’t talk to him, I had to do something. And I came up with really ridiculous ideas. I befriended his friends, hanging out with them during the weekends and eating with them in the cafeteria during lunch.

 

When I was close enough with them, I borrowed one of their phones with the excuse that I wanted to play the games they had. It was innocent, really. But what I was really trying to do was to search for Luhan’s number in their Contacts list. It wasn’t a difficult task. I memorized the numbers, along with the social networking sites where he had an account.

 

As soon as I got the information I needed, I did my research.

 

Knowing that Luhan would ignore me over and over again, I made alternative accounts, used a different name, and uploaded a pretty girl’s photo as my profile picture. I sent him a friend request on each site, and I can’t believe that he accepted all of them!

 

Ever since then, I went Sherlock Holmes on him. I downloaded every image of him that I crossed upon, memorized everything in his biodata, and kept myself updated with his posts. I know, I was crazily head over heels in love with over him.

 

Not long after that, I finally had the courage to send him love letters, all named Anonymous.

 

Every time he went to the lockers after class, I would follow him. (Well, mine was just five lockers away from him.) I would watch him from the corner of my eye as he read the letter.

 

Every single time, his reaction was the same. He would read the letter, crumple it, and throw it into the nearest trash bin. I had to admit that the first time I saw that, it broke my heart. I poured my feelings into that letter, and he just crumpled them like they were nothing.

 

That same night, I cried myself to sleep. But I decided not to give up. I loved Luhan. I would have him—someday. I could feel it.

 

*             *             *

 

As if destiny was on my side, his friend named Mirin approached me and asked me if I liked Luhan. I almost choked on my own words when I lied to her and said I didn’t. I asked her why, but she just shrugged her shoulders and told me if I wanted to go shopping with her. She even said that Luhan and the others were tagging along. Of course, I didn’t think twice.

 

The outing turned out to be great. Luhan never spoke a word to me, as per usual. But the fact that he was with us made me already happy and giddy.

 

“We’re graduating soon,” Minji said. “Have you thought of which high school to go to?”

 

I nodded my head, dearly holding the camera that I had brought with me. “Perhaps a school that has a photography club in it.”

 

“Whoa, you like to take pictures?” Minji asked again. She sounded really excited.

 

“Yup, I love taking scenery pictures. And people,” I supplied.

 

“Then, maybe you and Luhan should go to the same school!” Shindong said.

 

I automatically blushed. While going to the same high school as Luhan was still a fantasy, I was actually hoping that we would. Honestly, I would be willing to go anywhere as long as I could be with him.

 

“He likes photography too!” Minji exclaimed. “He’s quite good at it!”

 

“Really?” I said, surprised. “Why didn’t you tell me, Luhan-shi?”

 

Luhan glared at me and kept silent. Truth was, Luhan never really spoke that much even if among with his friends. They told me that Luhan really liked to act cold but worry behind their backs. They said he was that kind of guy.

 

So when it was time for us to bid each other goodbye, and the two of us went to ride a bus together, I can’t help but squirm in my seat and feel happy because it felt like I was having a date with him. Sitting beside him everyday should have felt normal already, but it never did. The blushing never stopped and the butterflies just became even more tumultuous.

 

“We’re here,” Luhan said.

 

His voice woke me up. I was dumbfounded to find my head leaning on his shoulder. I immediately sat upright and combed my hair with my fingers.

 

“You’re drooling,” he said again.

 

I felt my eyes widen, and my hands frantically went to my lips. Then, I heard the sound of a shutter. I looked up and felt my heart drop to my feet when he threw me a smile. “Great pose,” he told me. “I totally love it.”

 

He returned the camera to me and walked nonchalantly ahead. I cursed myself. That was the first time that I felt a tsunami of emotions—embarrassment, nervous, angry, happy, and giddy.

 

But the feeling that overpowered all those emotions was happiness. It was the first time Luhan spoke to me in three years. It was the first time he actually smiled to me. I didn’t care if it was a smile that mixed slyness and mockery—it was a smile, nonetheless—a smile directed at me. For the first time in three years, he finally acknowledged my presence. I wondered if it was the start of our friendship.

 

*             *             *

 

High school came by fast.

 

I never told Luhan which school I would go to, and I never knew his. I could always stalk him online or sneak into his room whenever I wanted. So when he actually waited for me on our porch on first day of school, I was totally shocked. Three years spent avoiding me and now he was standing beside me.

 

“I thought you of leaving you in a minute actually,” he had said.

 

I was speechless to even say anything. As if to answer the question in my head, he continued, “Your father asked me to come to school with you because he said you didn’t know how to commute on your own. How old are you anyway?”

 

Then, he started walking ahead again. So that was why he waited for me. It was nothing special. I followed after him.

 

While on the bus, I asked him which school he was going, and he answered me sarcastically, “Our uniforms don’t quite match, you think so?”

 

“Oh.”

 

We were going to the same school. I wanted to scream at that moment. I felt like the luckiest girl on earth who just won in a lottery.

 

The surprises never ended there because it so happened that we became seatmates again, joined the photography club together, and ate lunch together. I didn’t know why he was sticking by my side. It could probably be because I was the only one he knew in the school. I couldn’t think of anything else. Anyway, I was glad of the opportunity and took advantage of it.

 

*             *             *

 

In a few months’ time, we became the inseparable best friends.

 

We often crashed into each other’s house. There were times when he would sneak into my room, bring snacks, demand to watch a movie together which would later on end up with him sleeping on my couch. There were also times when I would throw a pebble on his window to make him open it, and I would jump into his room to teach me in math, which was my weakest subject.

 

During weekends, we would walk around Seoul to capture some moments. If he considered it a duo activity for the club, I considered those days our dates. And in those times, I never failed to immortalize a smiling Luhan.

 

When we had free time during class hours, we would hide in the library to sleep, to chat, or to just read.

 

If Luhan and I were complete strangers before, we were the exact opposite of that now. And I had my interest in photography to be grateful to.

 

*             *             *

 

Because I didn’t need to stalk on Luhan now the way I did before, I stopped sending him love letters and saving his online pictures. I didn’t need to do those when I could text him every night before going to sleep or capturing his random moments without the need of sneaking into his room.

 

Whatever secrets he had, he had told me those already. He admitted to me once that he was reluctant to open up with anyone because as a child, he had been bullied and betrayed by his friends because girls always followed him wherever he went. He initially thought I was one of those girls. But when he found out that we had the same passion, he didn’t hesitate to give me a chance to become his friend.

 

He realized later on, he had said, that I was not one of those girls who wanted him only as a boyfriend. He even complimented me that I was a sincere kind of girl and that he liked me. Don’t misunderstand that part because while we were talking about this, he actually put me into friend zone. I was half-disappointed half-happy.

 

I had never been in love with anyone else my whole life. And being in love, as I realized, was wanting for the other’s happiness even if it meant sacrificing your own.

 

*             *             *

 

We were in our second year of high school when Luhan had his first girlfriend. I was heartbroken. I remembered crying the whole night and not going to school the next day, in fear that Luhan would find out I liked him.

 

If Luhan liked me only as a friend and if him finding out that I only wanted to get close with him in the first place was because I loved him, he would surely run away and break our friendship. I didn’t want risk what I already had with him. So I plastered a smile whenever I was around him, pretending things were all right when they weren’t.

 

It was, I had to say, the most devastating year of my life. Because of his girlfriend, we could no longer go on our usual weekend dates, couldn’t eat lunch together, couldn’t skip class to hide in the library, and no more sleepovers. I was so sad. I felt terribly alone. Slowly, Luhan and I drifted apart from each other.

 

And during this time when I was feeling like the heavens had closed down on me, I received love letters and confessions from different males, all of whom I rejected without a second thought. I couldn’t imagine loving anyone else aside from Luhan.

 

“I heard you rejected another guy,” Luhan told me. He had cornered me in my locker when he realized I was not in the mood to talk with him.

 

“Yeah, so what?” I said, closing my locker door. “Why aren’t you with Hyejin?”

 

He scratched the back of his earlobe, a habit he had when he didn’t want to talk about something but talked about it anyway. “We broke up.”

 

Honestly, I heard jingle bells ringing inside my head. I wanted to  jump in joy. Luhan was free from that devil! Of course, I can’t let him know how I was truly feeling. So I cleared my throat and lied, “I’m sorry to hear that. So, you okay?”

 

Luhan smiled at me. “Nah! I’m the one who broke it off with her.”

 

“You did?” I said, disbelievingly. 

 

For all I knew, Luhan really loved her. He had been happy with her. Every time I thought of how Luhan had been happy with her, I wanted to smack Hyejin’s face and scream to her that Luhan was mine and that she was stealing my place, but at the same time, my heart broke into a thousand pieces that it just made me want to hide in a dark corner where I could curl myself into a ball and fully open the floodgates of my heart.

 

“Yeah,” Luhan told me, flicking my forehead. “Why do you look so happy? Come on, it’s my treat.”

 

I found out that same day that Luhan found out that she cheated on him. I was so mad I actually demanded Luhan to give me her phone number so I could call her right then and there and let her hear a piece of my mind. Luhan didn’t even bother. He just said, “It’s okay. I never thought she’s the one anyway.”

 

“But you were happy,” I countered.

 

“I was,” he thought. “But not happier than when I’m with you.”

 

That sent my mind into a fireworks festival. Luhan said he was happier with me. Could this mean anything? This could mean something, right?!

 

“Luhan, um, actually, I’ve been meaning to tell you something.”

 

“What?” He looked deep into my eyes, and in that moment, I chickened out. I wanted to confess. I wanted to know how he felt about me before another girl had the chance to steal him away from me. I wanted to ask, but I kept choking on my words and stuttering at the beginning. “N-N-Nev..er m-mind. I-It’s nothing really, uh, i-important.”

 

“What is?”

 

“I told you it’s nothing.”

 

He just shrugged. “If you say so. So I wanna know why you’ve been rejecting all those guys. I can’t believe you even rejected Siwon-sunbae! Whoa, that’s just daebak, you know! How can you turn down the school’s flower boy?”

 

I wanted to tell him so badly, Because he’s not you, but thought better of it. I had to keep reminding myself that this friendship should never be ruined by a careless mistake. “He’s not my type.”

 

“Hmmm, then what’s your ideal type?”

 

“Why do you keep asking me these things? It’s making me uncomfortable.”

 

“Because we’ve never really talked about it. You know, I wonder why you haven’t had a boyfriend yet when everyone can see that you’re just as pretty as the queenka—only smarter, though. And kinder.” Luhan looked at me for what I thought was the longest moment in my life. He had never looked at me that way. As if he wanted to say something else but was weighing the intensity of the effects his words would have on me. He looked serious, and he never blinked.

 

I, too, can’t look away from his gaze. His eyes were like magnets. I couldn’t resist even if I wanted to.

 

Then, he broke the silence with a gentle smile. “But if you don’t want to talk about it, I’m fine with it. But let me know when you’ve got a suitor, okay? He’ll have to pass by me first. And your dad!”

 

I laughed.

 

*             *             *

 

It was graduation day. Time went by fast, and I can’t believe I was graduating from high school. I felt happy but sad at the same time.

 

I had never told anyone that I was leaving for the States to continue my studies there. Not even Luhan. And I felt guilty for not telling him. Well, he might feel lonely—or, maybe he would cry and get mad at me for leaving him—after I left, but he had his girlfriend to make him happy when I couldn’t.

 

Fortunately Aram, his second girlfriend, was a better girlfriend than Hyejin. She was smart, beautiful, and kind too. I was sure that whatever it was that Luhan was searching for in a girl, he already found it with her. They had been together for more than a year already, and I could see that Luhan was serious about her.

 

Loving Luhan from afar, I was already contented that he was happy. I was happy that I can leave him without too much worry. Of course, his friendship would always mean so much to me. And I was bringing it with me to the States.

 

I had planned that I would bid my goodbye properly to him so I called him to the rooftop—after asking for Aram’s permission—where I knew no one else could bother us. He had looked really satisfied and accomplished when he sauntered towards me. I had been waiting for him to come. Saying goodbye wasn’t the only thing I wanted to do. It was time for me to confess.

 

“Why here of all places?” Luhan had asked curiously, stopping on his tracks to stand in front of me. I only gave him a sad smile. When he noticed that I looked a little bit troubled, he wrapped his arms around my waist, lifted me off my feet, and pecked me on my cheeks, making me blush profusely. “What is wrong with my baby?”

 

“Put me down!” I told him, slapping him on the shoulder. “If Aram sees us like this—“

 

“It’s okay, she won’t get jealous,” he said before winking at me.

 

“You don’t change,” I whined.

 

He put me down before playfully ruffling my hair. I glared at him.

 

“So?” he asked, putting his hands inside the pockets of his pants. “Why call me out here?”

 

I dragged a long breath. I was afraid to tell him this before, but now I felt courageous enough to finally let him know. I was sure he would reject me anyway. He loved Aram. Truly. I had been ready for a profound rejection since six years ago.

 

Besides, my leaving the country would lessen the impact. I can get rid of these feelings and move on with my life and find another man who could love me back. That was the plan.

 

So I finally said what I’d been meaning to tell him.

 

“Don’t interrupt me while I speak, okay?”

 

Luhan nodded his head like an obedient child. “I’m all ears.”

 

“No over reactions, you understand?” He nodded his head in response.

 

“Remember the first time we met? I actually had an instant crush on you. I tried to become friends with you but you rejected all my methods. When I transferred to the your school, I knew instantly how determined you were to stay away from me. I didn’t know the reason then. As I got desperate, I befriended your friends and got your number. I found out your addresses on different social networking sites. Knowing that you won’t accept my requests if I followed you, I created another persona. Because you accepted all of them, I began to stalk you.

 

“I was actually the one who sent you those love letters you loved to crumple right after reading them, and then throwing them into the bin. That might have been really creepy, and you might’ve never imagined me doing that. But can you please count me as a hard core fan who was madly in love with her idol instead? Although a one big bonus for me is that my crush isn’t even an idol.

 

“So when we became friends, I was really happy, you know. It was like a dream come true. So when you got yourself a girl, I became a damsel in distress. It hurt me to see you with a girl other than me. Though I respected your choice and, of course, I prioritized your happiness over mine, I can’t really face you and pretend that I was all right because honestly, I wasn’t.

 

“You were too oblivious to know how I truly felt. There were times when I got mad at you. Why would you look at other girls when I'm right here in front of you? Couldn’t you see me at all? Am I really just a friend to you when you said that you're always happier when you're with me? You shouldn’t have said that because that can send a different message to me. Didn’t you know that? Didn’t you even think that I might have fallen for you?! Did it never cross your mind that the reason why I kept rejecting those confessions was because maybe I was already in love with someone else? That that someone else is you?

 

“When you still haven’t met Aram, I was waiting for you, you know. I was secretly hoping that maybe we could take this friendship into a whole different level. I was secretly hoping that you loved me too. How many times did you have to break my heart, Luhan? Many, many, many times I even lost count already. But, anyway, it’s easier for me to say all these things to you now—“

 

“Is it because you have found someone else?” Luhan’s voice was stern and his face looked grim. “Or, is it because I have Aram? Are you thinking that I’m going to break up with her after—“

 

“That’s not the point!” I shrieked. This time, my tears were already falling. My shoulders were heaving. I wanted to break into sobs. “I’m telling you this because I know there’s no way you would return my feelings. I have prepared myself for this!”

 

“WHY?!” he bellowed. “If you were brave enough to tell me this before—“

 

“Brave?!” I spat at the word. “How dare you say that to my face? I only thought of your happiness! Does that mean that if I confessed to you, you said Yes to me?! Is that what you’re trying to say?”

 

“YES!”

 

Luhan was teary eyed now too. I flinched at his response. I was shocked. No, I wasn’t hearing him right. There was no way he would return my feelings. He never dropped a hint that he liked me. It was just impossible.

 

“I’m leaving,” I told him. This was not making sense to me at all.

 

“What?” he looked at me confusedly.

 

“The States,” I uttered, my voice strained. I could no longer press down the sobs that were threatening to erupt. But I had to hang on for a little longer because I can’t—I mustn't—feel weak or backfire because of these emotions. “I’m going there. And that’s the second reason why I called you up here. To bid you my farewell.”

 

*             *             *

 

Seven years had passed since I arrived here in the States. I’d become a professional designer and make-up artist who worked non-stop in Hollywood.

 

Fortunately for me, I finally got myself a caring boyfriend. He wasn’t anyone like Luhan, but I believed that he was truly the one for me. In fact, our love story began rather complicatedly.

 

*             *             *

 

Kris and I attended the same university but were taking different majors. He was actually patient and eager enough to actually study the world history. That time I had taken an additional language class, specifically Chinese, and that was how I basically met him.

 

I was the top student in our class, and he in theirs. He found me as a potential competition, and I really found it ridiculous because we were taking different majors in the first place. I was only taking the language class for fun.

 

One day, he went up to me and challenged me. He said that if he beat me in the final exams, I would agree to be his girlfriend whether I liked it or not. The competition was tight between us, and there was really no saying if I could win against him, or it would be the other way around. Nevertheless, I accepted the duel.

 

I studied hard.  He wasn’t my friend. I didn’t like him. I didn’t even know him that well!

 

Well, anyone can guess right now that I lost. And I became his girlfriend. I could still remember asking him how long I was supposed to keep the role, but he told me, “Whenever I get tired.”

 

When will that be?

 

One month had passed, and unexpectedly, we had become close friends. We went on dates, we studied together, and we’d crash into each other’s rooms in the dorm whenever we wanted to. It was almost the same with what Luhan and I had before, only that there wasn’t really skinship involved.

 

And before I knew it, Kris and I had been in this relationship for four years already. But there was one thing I’d kept on wondering about, though—one thing I never dared to ask Kris. Why had he never taken the first move to kiss me? To lay me down on bed? Not that I wanted to be touched so desperately, but being in this relationship and doing none of those things was beyond anyone’s imagination. All the people in the world knew that men had to e everyday. It was a man’s instinct, wasn’t it?

 

Right now was no different. I was still wondering about it. It felt like a part of my brain was itching to know what Kris was thinking. Was I not ually appealing enough? Did he really love me? Was he sure he wanted me as his wife?

 

*             *             *

 

Three months ago, Kris surprised me. I was occupying our favorite love booth in our favorite restaurant, having a normal chat with him, when out of the blue, Kris asked me the question that would soon change the course of my life. “Do you want to get married, Gayoung?”

 

I couldn’t answer then. Of course, I wanted to get married with him. “Yes, but this soon?”

 

Kris laughed merrily. “Don’t you want to be with the one you love?”

 

“Of course, I do! It’s just that…this is too sudden.”

 

“You know how I like giving you surprises, don’t you?” he said.

 

“Of course, you love doing it,” I said dumbly.

 

“But there’s one thing I want to talk with you about.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“I want to know how you feel about Luhan right now.”

 

Oh, yes. Of course, Kris knew. I told him about how Luhan had been my first love, how I’d never really gotten over him quite well, how I would think about him whenever I was alone or felt lonely. That last one was the reason why he moved in to my place. He said he was jealous and that he also wanted to protect me from those painful memories.

 

Kris sincerely wanted me to be happy with him, and I appreciated his efforts. It took me a long time to really love him, but how I finally got those feelings real didn’t matter now. I loved him, and I was actually ready to be with him.

 

I could forget about Luhan. I knew I could.

 

We talked about Luhan that night. In fact, Kris had asked me a weird question. “If he suddenly showed up to interrupt your wedding, announcing his objection, what would  you do?”

 

I frowned at him. Why was he asking me that? Did he think that if we’d get married, Luhan would stop us from exchanging our vows? “If that’s what you think, I won’t invite him then.”

 

“Well, what if? Would you leave your groom, or would you run back to him? You know, first love never dies.”

 

“That’s a tricky question, you know. But… I think,” I trailed. Honestly, I didn’t know. I had a feeling that if Luhan did show up, I would run back to him and fling myself all over him and tell him how much I missed him. But if that meant breaking Kris and me apart from each other... That was completely another matter. “I… I don’t know. I won’t know until it happens, I guess.”

 

“Then, you’re not ready yet,” he concluded. I looked up to him to search for disappointment in his face, but there was none. “I know, Gayoung. I know.”

 

“Are you taking my answer as—“

 

“It’s a yes, of course!” Kris exclaimed confidently, folding his arms across his chest. “You’re getting married.”

 

*             *             *

 

I could feel my knees buckling right now. I was wearing this wedding dress and holding this bouquet of white tulips in my hands. I kept breathing in and out, hoping it would calm my nerves down. I felt really cold and clammy, nervous and happy at the same time.

 

My father stood beside me. He held my hand and smiled wanly at me, telling me that things were going to be all right. Unfortunately, I can’t pay him any attention at all because I was busy watching the flower girls reach the end of the altar.

 

There were so many guests. I only had my father and few friends and relatives from my side. I was sure Kris had invited a lot of people because of his connections. I had been expecting unfamiliar faces, but I recognized more than half of them as my friends and classmates from middle school and high school.

 

I was touched at the research Kris had done again this time. He really liked to surprise me to no end.

 

Was it my turn? Was it my turn? Because I wished for it, my turn came sooner than I thought it would.

 

I walked down the aisle with my father while smiling back at our audience. A wave of nostalgia surged through me, and tears of joy started to sting the back of my eyes. However, I managed to blink them away.

 

“I can’t believe this day would come,” he said, his voice wavering a little. I was sure he was trying his best to bite back a cry. “I can’t believe I’ll be walking you down the aisle… Y-You've grown up to be lovely, just like your mother,” My father sniffed audibly.

 

“Dad, stop crying, okay? Kris will take care of me,” I told him. “He promised you, remember?”

 

My father simply nodded his head. “But, you know, Kris is very loyal to his friend. I can’t believe that he loves you. But he loves his friend even more than you that he is willing to sacrifice you.”

 

I knitted my brows together. “What are you talking about? Which of his friends are you referring to?”

 

Before my father had the chance to answer my question, we had reached the end of the altar. My father reluctantly let go of my hand, and I turned to Kris. I smiled broadly at him. This was it. The day that I can get married with the man I loved—although my love for him was not greater than the love I still had for Luhan.

 

He just had a way to ruin me. You know, there would always be a place for Luhan that no man in the world can ever replace. I smiled to myself. In my wedding day, I can’t believe I was still thinking about Luhan.

 

“You’re dazzlingly beautiful,” Kris said as he took my hand in his.

 

“And you’re drop dead gorgeous,” I muttered back to him.

 

I took a step forward, expecting him to follow beside me, but I felt him pull my hand instead. To my confusion, he just stood still at where his feet were planted on the ground, brought my hand to his lips, and sent me a smile that seemed to be saying goodbye. Then, he totally let go of me and bowed in front of me.

 

Not knowing what he was doing, I suddenly felt another hand grab my free hand. Surely, it wasn’t Kris. Kris was right in front of me. The hand pulled me towards him, but I can’t keep my eyes off Kris. What was happening? Why wasn’t he the one walking me towards the priest?

 

I finally turned around, only to shuffle a scream with my other hand.

 

Was I dreaming?

 

I should be dreaming.

 

There was no way this could be real.

 

Only in a dream would this happen.

 

I slapped my cheek. No, this  was real. I blinked my eyes hard and opened them again. No, this was real.

 

This was freaking real.

 

“You look so shocked,” he had said.

 

I was too speechless to say anything back.

 

“You’re more beautiful than ever,” he went on. “I’m sorry it took me long. I’m sorry to have deceived you. I’m sorry for surprising you like this.”

 

I felt a tear drop down my cheek, and my lips trembled because I wanted to cry. I didn’t know what to feel.

 

To feel betrayed because I was tricked?

 

To feel heartbroken because I just got dumped the second time?

 

To feel angry because I was led to believe that what I felt was real?

 

To feel embarrassed? To feel regretful?

 

Or, to feel happy and relieved finally?

 

My heart ached. My mind was like a field attacked by hurricanes and storms. I brought my hands up to his face to gauge if he was real or not. It had been years. He had been on the other side of the planet. Why was he standing before me now?

 

He let me hold his face and marvel at his facial features. My face was tear-streaked. He covered my hand with his , and with his other hand, he brushed his thumbs across my cheeks. He gently whispered, “Stop crying, Gayoung. I’m here.”

 

“B-B-But you’re not supposed to be here.” My voice came out hoarse and strained. “I missed you, you know that?”

 

“I missed you, too. I wasn’t expecting you to leave me like that. Don’t ever do it to me again.”

 

 “Did you come here to just tell me that? Because…” I said. He knew, right? He wasn’t blind not to see, he wasn’t dumb not to know that I was getting married with someone else.

 

“I came here to ask for your hand, Gayoung. Will you marry me?” Luhan asked me.

 

I gasped. I turned around to look at Kris again. He still remained calm in his spot. I frowned at him, silently asking what this was all about. But he gestured for me to answer Luhan’s question. I looked back at Luhan again. I knew the look he was giving me. It was pleading. Full of hope. Desperate. And in love.

 

Then, it hit me. My mind went back to that conversation I had with Kris.

 

“If he showed up one day to interrupt your wedding, announcing his objection, what would you do?”

 

“You know well that I’m marrying Kris. Why are you asking me that?” I asked him. “Luhan, I need your explanation! Seven years without you doesn’t mean a day without you!”

 

“But you left me! I had no choice but to wait!” Luhan exclaimed.

 

By then, we were raising our voices. Even the priest and the audience had to calm us down. But, Luhan came here as a wedding breaker! Not as my groom!

 

“I don’t believe it that you love me!” I shouted.

 

Luhan exasperatedly ran a hand through his hair, his eyes getting red and watery. I could sense that he was running out of his wits already.

 

“Gayoung.” It was Kris’s voice, and my eyes flew back to his face. He looked pained, and it pained me to see him hurt like this. “Listen to me. I don’t know if you’d forgive me for what I did to you but the reason why I never touched you all these years was because I had promised Luhan that I would take care of you until he gets here. That if you’re with me, no one else can take you away. I promised him that because I love him. And because I love you too.”

 

From the corner of my eye, I saw Luhan shoot him a warning glare. But that didn’t shut him up. Kris went on, just as I wanted him to. “Luhan came into your life before I did. And you love him more than you love me. You know it, Gayoung. I know it, too! I never asked you to marry me. I asked you if you wanted to get married. I never mentioned myself whenever we talked about the wedding. It was all about you. Didn’t you notice? I had tricked you into this. But I know that you’d be happiest if you married Luhan, and I want you to be just that. So I’m letting you go.”

 

“But I love you,” I mumbled. “For five years, you have made me love you and now you give me this! If you told me from the beginning, this wouldn’t have been as complicated as this!”

 

Things weren’t making sense. I loved Kris. I loved Luhan. But Luhan was supposed to be in the past. My feelings for him weren’t supposed to come back. Ever. I had Kris, I was happy with him. I was sure I could be happy with him forever. That was how my love story was supposed to end. It wasn’t supposed to have a snarky twist like this!

 

I ran out of the church. I wasn’t expecting anyone to follow me, but Luhan did. He grabbed me by the arm and roughly pulled me into an embrace, his hand securing its place at the back of my head. I sobbed into his shirt.

 

“You just ruined everything,” I mumbled into his shirt.

 

“Calm down,” he said. “I hadn’t expected you to react that way. Neither did Kris. Calm down, Gayoung. I’ll explain.”

 

I can’t do anything properly. I can’t even breathe properly. Being in Luhan’s arms was like being at home. Old memories came to haunt me, and all I wanted to do right now was to hug him and never let him go.

 

First love never dies, you know, Kris had said.

 

“Why did you have to make me wait if you would fly all the way here to tell me you love me? You could’ve just called me and you couldn’t do it? You have to ask for a friend’s help? What kind of a guy are you?” I demanded.

 

Luhan continued to cradle me. “When I found out from Kris that you were classmates, I immediately asked him the favor of looking out for you. To make sure you weren’t alone and to make sure that no man was going to take you. I also found out from him that you were doing your best to forget me. So I thought that if I contacted you myself, you would just reject me. I wanted to surprise you. Your dad knew about this whole thing, and I had asked him not to tell you. I knew there was a possibility that you might have fallen for Kris already. Five years was no joke. But I had to try. I had to risk my friendship with him and with you. I know this is a tad too late as a response to your confession seven years ago, but, Han Gayoung, will you be my wife?”

 

I can’t believe it. “What makes you so confident that I love you even until now?”

 

“Because I have prayed every night that you would still love me even after the day you said your goodbye,” Luhan replied. “I was really mad at you that night, you know. I cried. I missed you because I started loving you ever since you gave me that first handwritten love letter.”

 

I looked up at Luhan, confused and wildly happy at the same time. “You remember the first letter I gave you?”

 

“Of course,” he said. “It’s the only one I have left. Want me to recite it to you?”

 

“NO! That is way too embarrassing.” My heart was fluttering inside my chest. I can’t believe he actually kept one of my letters. I didn’t know.

 

“Right after you walked out the school gates, I broke up with Aram.”

 

“What?! You broke up with her? But why? You loved her.”

 

“I saw her as a sister, actually. And, truth is, she wasn’t even my girlfriend. I did it to make you jealous. And like I said, I never expected you to fly to another country. You never told me!”

 

“Because I thought it was a one-sided love and—“

 

“Silly.”

 

Then, I felt Luhan’s lips on mine. They were gentle, loving, and smiling. The kiss sent shingles on my entire body, but it was a comfortable feeling. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and his hold on me only tightened. He pressed our bodies even closer, as if it was never enough to close the gap between us. He was probably trying to take back the seven years that we lost. Loosing up, I smiled into his kiss.

 

I loved him first. But he kissed me first. I confessed to him first. But he proposed to me first.

 

All my firsts, I’d always been ready to give them to him. To the one and only Luhan in my life, the one man I would vow to love for the rest of my life and the life after that. Luhan was everything to me, as I was to him.

 

“I love you,” he breathed to my mouth when he broke away. His eyes were glinting and soft they made me want to melt. “Gayoung, you’ll marry me right now. Right?”

 

I laughed and pecked his lips. “You’re too demanding.”

 

“Just say yes. Because I know you’ve loved me since the first time we met.”

 

I playfully slapped the back of his neck. “Fine, I lose. I’ll marry you.”

 

I can’t believe I said those words. It wasn’t me chasing after Luhan. He declared his love, and all I had to do was accept it.

 

Then, I saw Kris standing beside a huge tree. He was looking at me with a smile of an angel on his face. I could feel his love emanating even from afar, and even though I sincerely loved him too, I realized that Luhan would always come first in everything. And as if looking at him was not enough, I tore myself away from Luhan’s embrace and ran to Kris. I kissed him squarely on the lips and said, “I love you, Kris, and thank you for everything.”