What can I do What can I do
I get lost in a maze and stay in that spot
What can I say what can I say
It’s becoming blurred
I can’t see your face

Suga

When I left the building of the entertainment I took a deep breath. I couldn’t take it anymore, being alone in a room with Hoseok… No. The way he touches me or the way he talks to me… I know that it’s somehow my fault, I could talk to him. But I didn’t want to. I don’t want to hear these hurtful words and I don’t want that he know about my feelings. Also I don’t know how to tell him that – I just can’t tell him that I love him. I can’t even tell anybody that I like him or her in a friendly way. This is just not my style and I always feel like an idiot then. I let out a sigh and walk down the street while I pull out my cellphone out of my pocket. I don’t know what I should do now… I let out a sigh again and bite my lower lip. And before I could realize it I call Jihoon. It takes a few rings before I hear the deep voice of the Block B maknae. “What’s wrong Yoongi?”, he asks me before I could say anything. I smile a bit and shake my head slightly. Does he know me so well yet? “Do you have some time? I… I need someone to talk to“, I mumble. „Sure! Where are you? Should we meet somewhere? Huh?“, he starts to ask me. I hear how he walks around and I hear Jiho in the background screaming something. “I’m in the city right now… lets meet at Hongdae… there is the one café where we meet once,  do you remember?”, I ask him then. “Sure…sure, lets meet there I hurry up! Bye!“, with that he hang up and I put my cellphone away. I look around for a moment before I head to the subway station where I take the tube to drive to Hongdae. There I get out of the tube and walk to the restaurant. Before I reach the café my cellphone starts to ring again and I take a look at it. Jimin. By everybody else I would ignore the call but not by Jimin. So I accept the call. “Yes?”, I ask as I pick up the call. „Yoongi? Where are you? Hoseok is totally down he cries and… what happened? Yoooongi“, I hear Jimin and bite my lower lip. He sounds so worried and I don’t want him to worry. Also that he told me that Hoseok is crying… It hurts so much. But I won’t come back now… No. I need to talk with Jihoon a bit, he is the only one who understands me in this moment. Besides Jin. But I don’t want Jin to suffer more than he does yet.  “I’m sorry Jimin but… I can’t tell you… please take care of Hoseok, okay? Please don’t let him alone now, it doesn’t matter what he is saying then”, I tell the younger one. “O… Okay…! I do this for you! And take care of yourself okay? Be careful“, Jimin says and I smile a bit. „Sure… don’t worry“, I tell him before I hang up also because Jihoon appears in my view. I put the cellphone aside and walk up to the tall guy. This one grins and me and before I can do anything he hug me tightly. “Ahh, Yoongi, did you miss me that fast?”, he ask me and laughs a bit. I like the way he laughs, it’s always so… true and free. “Sure, I totally miss you”, I responds and smile a bit. For a moment I forget everything – Hoseok, the thing with Nam Joon and Jin… all the stress from our next album. “Great… so where should we go now? Hang out a bit, go to a bar or at a restaurant…or in this café?”, Jihoon starts to ask me as he let me go out of his embrace. “Yes… lets drink some coffee, I pay”, I grab his wrist and lead him into the small café. “Ah, thank you”, Jihoon says and we search for a free table. Luckily there is one free – also more in the corner so no one can spot us. But I’m sure no one would do that. But also I feel more save there. So I lead Jihoon to this table where we sit down. We order some coffee before the red-haired guy look at me.

“So,… what do you want to talk about?”, he ask me and show his teeth-smile. I took a deep breath and think a moment. Yesterday we have spoken a lot while the other members of Block B have fallen asleep. Jihoon let me sleep in his bed with Toto and he asks me what’s happened that I run away and didn’t want to go back. And I don’t know I just have told him so many things… He have tell him that I love Hoseok, that Nam Joon wants that I confess my feeling to him, I told him about Jins feelings for Nam Joon… Almost everything. And he just lays there, through my hair and listen to me. He didn’t say anything the whole time I talk and this helps me so much. After that he was still for a moment before we start to talk about what I can do. Not like Nam Joon and I, where Nam Joon always suggest that I should confess. No. We think about method that I escape this love…. Ways that Hoseok and I can talk normal and behave normal…  Jihoon also suggest that he could talk to Hoseok but I didn’t want that. But then Jihoon told me also something… something I didn’t expect. He knows how I feel… but he didn’t make the same mistake like Hoseok and I. Jihoon told me that he has feelings for Taeil… Taeil… I remember some rumors that they are together…. But I never thought that Jihoon really have feelings for him. But I feel more comfortable after hearing this. Also Jihoon told me that he isn’t really gay… he didn’t even know if he was biual… He just has these deep feelings for Taeil. So we almost talk the whole night before we fall asleep later and when the other members wake us up I have the feeling I have only sleep five minutes.

But now I want to tell him everything. “I had with Hoseok”, I tell Jihoon. This looks at me and his eyes winded. A moment there is silence and he gasps for air. “You… you two have what? When…how?”, he ask me then and shakes his head a bit. “Yesterday… this is the reason why I run away… we had with each other and I didn’t wanted to talk with him about that, I just didn’t want to hear some hurtful words… but at the same time I start to hurt Hoseok with my words and the way I treat him”, I start to tell him and lean back in my chair. I look at Jihoon who still look shocked at me. I give him some time to accept these informations. I take a sip of my coffee. “Okay… okay, you two had … and then you treat him like…?”, he ask me and I slowly nod. “Kind of… I’m just afraid to talk with him about that… I’m afraid to hear that it was only a mistake for him. I know it was one for him but to hearing this words would be a lot different”, I explain the older one. He just nods and takes the spoon and put it in his cup of coffee. “Are you sure that he it was just a mistake for him?”, Jihoon asks me then slowly. “I think so… I mean… I think he would behave differently when he would love me”, I answer him and Jihoon nods again. “But do you want to behave like this forever? You two are in a band and you can’t ignore him forever, you have to talk with him some day”, the taller one reminds me and I let out a sigh. I look at the ceiling for a moment before I look at the rapper of Block B again. “But it’s so hard… I… I love him so much and it hurts so much. Maybe I could talk with him about that later but it’s so… fresh in this moment, like open wounds”, I start to tell him and drink another sip of coffee to control myself. I don’t want to cry now, but it’s so much for me in this moment… so much. I shake my head and sit up. Jihoon nods a bit. „I understand you Yoongit, but… I want you to be happy, so please do something against that“, he says with a sad voice. I look down on the table before I look up at him again. “I… I will try it… but later”, I mumble and drink another sip of coffee. Then I smile a bit. "Thank you for listening”, I say then and Jihoon laughs a bit. “Ah, I love to help other people”, he says and chuckles a bit. “And now… tell me more about you and Taeil”. Jihoons eyes winded and his cheeks flushed red. I just laugh a bit and shake my head. “Please… there’s nothing wrong, I have told you a few minutes ago that I had with another guy”, I add and laugh a bit again.

“Okay…”, Jihoon took a deep breath “I hope you are not disappointed when I tell you that I haven’t with him”. I laugh a bit and he chuckles. “Don’t worry, I’m not”, I put some more milk in my coffee and look at him again. “Good… we haven’t much of these interactions. We cuddle with each other, he sometimes sleep in my bed and I also kiss him on the cheek but nothing more”. I nod at this words and stir with the spoon my coffee. “But… whenever he is nears me I’m so happy… I want that he stays by my side, that he is happy every day. I don’t care if he is happy with me… I just want him to be happy and when that means to have a pretty and cute girlfriend”. I look at Jihoon who looks at me with sad eyes. I can almost feel his love for the small vocalist. The way Jihoon looks at him… the sound of his voice. Taeil should be lucky that Jihoon have feelings for him. “Do you think he could… love you too?”, I then dare to ask him but Jihoon shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know… sometimes when he is drunk he wants to kiss me… but I never let him because it would mean too much for me even though he is drunken”, he explains me and I no again. “That’s good”, I mumble “I mean… a kiss should be something both people want and no one should be drunk there”. “Yes!”, Jihoon nods immediately. I smile at him. „Maybe… you two should hang out more together“, I suggest then and smile a bit. Jihoon looks at me for a moment and thinks about my words. “Yeah… but it’s hard when you have five other annoying members around you”, he mumbles and drinks a bit of his coffee again. “Yes… this is hard… but you have to try it! Does he have some interest that the other didn’t like? You could do that with him!”, I tell him and smile a bit. Jihoon thinks about this for a moment and then he starts to smile again. “Yes… He loves fishes… and this… all this things”, Jihoon says slowly and smiles a bit. “Then maybe visit a zoo with him so that you can spend some time alone… I also can help you! We could do something together, Block B and BTS and then… I make sure no one disturb you and that you always sit together and all this stuff”, I add and Jihoon smiles a bit more. “That’s cute from you Yoongi”, he mumbles. “Ah, don’t use my name and the word cute in one sentence”, I tell him but Jihoon just laugh a bit. Then he looks at me and smiles a bit. “Hoseok must be the dumbest person on earth if he didn’t return your feelings”, Jihoon says out of the blue and I look at him for a moment. I notice how my cheeks start to turn red and I look hastily away. “Don’t say something like that, Hoseok deserves someone who can treat him well and you know how I can be”, I mumble and stir the spoon around in my cup. “But I think you also have a soft side… and you know how to treat him well”, Jihoon says with a smile and I can’t but chuckle a bit. But before I could respond something on that my cellphone rings again.

Jimin.

I bite on my lower lip and look shortly at Jihoon but he just nods. “Thank you”, I mumble before I pick up the call “What’s wrong Jimin?”. At first I hear nothing but then I hear a soft sob. Immediately I sit up. “Jimin? Jimin, what’s wrong? Jimin“, I ask him. „Yoongi, please come home! They all fight and Jin wants to leave and Nam Joon and Hoseok fight… Please come home and help us“, Jimin begs me and I hear him cry again. “Sure… sure, don’t worry Jimin, I come home, please calm down”, I ask him but Jimin sobs again. “I try… but please come home”, he says again. “I’m on my way” I tell him before I hang up. Jihoon looks at me with a worried face and bite his lower lip. “I need to go home… they fight and Jimin is crying and …Jin wants to leave, I need to go home”, I tell him and look at him. Jihoon nods then. “Sure… but please call me later if everything is okay”, he ask me and I nod. I pay for our coffees and we leave the little café. I hug him one more time before I turn around and run down the street to the nearest subway station.

A few minutes later I reach the dorm and open the door. “Jimin?”, I ask then and walk through the hallway. A second later the younger one has hug me and clings into my hoodie. I can still hear him cry and I carefully through his hair. “Where are they?”, I ask him carefully and Jimin looks at me. “In Jin and Taehyungs room”, he mumbles with a weak voice. I nod a bit “Okay,… go to Jungkook”, I order him and he nods a bit. “Thank you for coming Yoongi”, he mumbles before he rushes over into the room he shares with the maknae and Hoseok. I took a deep breath before I enter the room of Jin and Taehyung.