If he’d known that something was awaiting him behind the old door with the traditional bronze bell hanging above it waiting to ring, he wouldn’t have pushed it open without a single worry. He wouldn’t have greeted the soft ringing of the bell with a soft sigh of contentment. He wouldn’t have straightened his glasses to take a better look around the place. And he certainly wouldn’t have shuffled through the bookshelves reaching to the ceiling to get to the counter.

He wouldn’t have. It’s like his life is made out of ifs by now. If he hadn’t done that then… if is nice, it gives an opportunity to think about a better world, but it also tears you apart even more when you wake up from your if and it fills you with worry because another if is just around the corner. Since he’d met the new owner of the bookshop at the corner of the block, the ifs had taken over. He was free outside of the shop, but once inside his mind flooded with them.

It just kind of happened at the spot, the ifs. He was just so worry free and happy, anticipating the moment he could finally open the second book of the novel series he was reading, sink into a chair in the corner of the bookshop near the heating and stay there until closing time. But one simple ‘hello’ had his anticipation crushed. The voice itself had been so wonderful, like flowing honey, so soft and warm. But the owner of the voice had been much more than that, the owner of the voice had been pure chocolate of the best quality. And his mouth had watered at the idea of taking a bite of that chocolate. The ‘can I help you’ had the ifs flooding. The novel series he was reading was so extraordinary, no one really read it. What if this dessert standing in front of him would judge him for reading such a thing. His eyes looked so literate behind the thick frame of his glasses, and incredibly unreachable.

And so it happened that he’d stumbled out of the bookstore, tripping over the doorstep on his way out and had managed to let the little bronze bell clash onto the floor, its howling ring resonating in his ears, the cry of the bronze following him until the door fell in its lock, shutting out the calls from the chocolate man. He’d ran and ran until he’d reached his house. He’d fumbled with the lock. He’d made his way inside, while trying not to crush his cat. He’d kicked out his shoes. He’d shut the blinds. He’d hid in the corner of the living room.

The next morning, when his cat woke him up by his hand, he tried again. A new day, a new chance. He gave his cat some milk, put on his shoes which had ended up anywhere but at the doorstep and hid his face behind his deep red scarf. Sighing and pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose, he stepped outside. The cool autumn air hit his face, tinting his cheeks red.

It was so alluring to just step inside the bookshop already and get his book, he could almost smell the dust and the freshly pressed papers and feel the warmth of that single heating in the corner, but he stood there with his ifs, flooding over the brim and flowing onto the pavement, forming a puddle he could melt in and disappear in. Heaving yet another sigh, he picked up his ifs and put them away safely at the top shelf he could never reach. And so he stepped inside, the warmth greeting him and pulling him in further, leading him through the shop. The soft sound of flowing honey coaxing him to continue walking. His vision went hazy, closing out everything but that sweet smell of papers. “You’re back again.” His haze came to a halt, his eyes focusing themselves slowly. It took him a while to realize that he was already in front of the counter, staring into those beautiful, dark eyes once again. All the ifs tumbled from the shelve, forming a heap of mismatched letters and words. The man waited patiently. As he waited for him to reply he fixed some paperwork. “Uh-“ The man looked up. At this point he could feel the sweat dripping down his face, he could feel that his cheeks were aflame. “I’m looking for a book.” He dumbly mumbled, avoiding eye contact at any cost. “I’d figured out that much, which book are you looking for?” He swallowed. “Uh, I had it put aside when it arrived. Under the name, uh, Do Kyungsoo.” The man nodded and left to the back of the store. He came back with the thick book, a little note with his name on it attached to the front cover. “Here you go.” Kyungsoo took it from him hesitantly. “Thank you.” He paid quickly, leaving to the corner of the shop to sit there. Despite having to be around that hot dessert a few feet away, he would read his book and enjoy it. One single piece of chocolate could not destroy his planned, perfect afternoon.

But two pieces of chocolate could. Though the other piece wasn’t exactly pure chocolate, it was more like a milky type chocolate, it ruined his afternoon. As soon as he saw the milk chocolate man walk through the door and shake his blonde locks out of his hair, he closed his book. It was no use being there if he was surrounded by delicious looking people, whom he didn’t even make a chance with. “See you later, mister Do!” It came, before the door shut behind him.

If life had taught Kyungsoo anything, it was that sweets and treats are dangerous. Not only do they cause you cavities, which are hard to fill up, but they also make you crave for more. Like when you walk past a pastry shop and you cannot help but notice all the cakes and comfits, beautifully decorated with all kinds of sugary frosting or figures painted with chocolate. Once you’ve walked past that shop you save all your pocket money until you have enough to buy one of the delicacies. For the next weeks all your pennies would be spent on the sweetness, until the bitter aftertaste finally hits, and you have enough. Kyungsoo wanted to see him again, over and over, to build up the anticipation of getting to take a bit, until he had enough money, but starting from broke would be a long way to go. Of course, as any kid, he was taught by his mother to never take candy from strangers, but if God displayed such a nice delicacy in front of him just in the wild, with its stupidly perfect skin, idiotic smile and geeky clothes, what was Kyungsoo supposed to do. If life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. And that was just what Kyungsoo was going to do.

If he could muster enough courage to actually do so that was, because right now a week of mouthwatering had passed and he was standing on the pavement, lost in thought. He could almost smell the bitterly sweet aroma of chocolate, greeting him, spinning around him, making its way into his clothes and brain, nestling there, not ever ready to let go. Without knowing, the aroma was already imprinted into his every nerve, begging him to get more of it. He blinked. Everyone was walking by, some of them bumping into him, taking some of the smell with them and carrying it away to fill the whole town with it. He didn’t know if he was ready to face the glory, fat and carbohydrates. He sighed in defeat, knowing that greed and lust were dangerous sins, but still admitting to them. Why stop now when only the top of his head was still above the sins, keeping his head above the water wouldn’t make a difference. To hell he went, if that was the price he had to pay to enjoy such a delicious treat. One step, the smell became stronger, two steps and his mouth began watering again. With every step, he crushed some courage, until he came to the doorstep and his final hope flew away with a heavy breeze, which also made the door slam into his face. He cursed under his breath and brought his hand up to his nose, feeling a thick substance trickle over his skin, fall onto the pavement, and form a puddle in front of his feet. That was it, those were the doubts, flowing out of him, making more space for guilt and embarrassment. “Are you alright, mister Do?” came the worried voice of the shop owner, a kiss to his wound which took the pain away. In response, Kyungsoo mumbled something unintelligible, overwhelmed by the mix of smells which made him dizzy. “Here,” The man handed him his kerchief, which Kyungsoo pressed against his nose gratefully. He threw his head back to make the blood stop flowing and pinched the bridge of his nose. The man pulled him inside the shop, setting him down on a stool between the rows of bookshelves. He went and came back with some paper towels, using them to clean Kyungsoo’s trembling, pale hands. “T-thanks.” He said. Bright light flooded through the room, lighting up the situation. Kyungsoo was aware that his mouth had fallen open, but he couldn’t help but gape at those perfectly white teeth, shining for him, sharp in contrast against that beautiful, tanned skin. The man chuckled, tapping Kyungsoo’s chin to close his mouth. “I’ll get you some water, alright? Stay here.” And indeed, he came back soon after with a white plastic cup filled with cool liquid. The blood flow had stopped. “I’m sorry about your, uh, kerchief…” The man waved it off. “No problem, it is entirely my fault that this happened anyway. I should’ve fixed the hinges of the door.” He seemed in thought as his sentence trailed off and he stared at the door. His eyebrows knotted together in a cute frown, his lips pouted. His hair was so mussed, that Kyungsoo wanted to it and get it in place for him, but he resisted that urge and instead just looked down at the bloody kerchief, folding it neatly.

After having apologized to and thanking the man again, he had left with a little walk of shame, his eyes directed to the pavement, his face still covered in dried blood. He and his perfect impressions. At least his cat didn’t judge him for who he was. It still came every time he opened the front door, purring and meowing, walking against his legs and looking up at him with its blue eyes. “Hi.” He said, petting the animal, it scurried away after smelling the metal stench of blood. Kyungsoo sighed. He should probably clean himself up.

Two horrible weeks went by without any courage knocking on his door and offering to bring him to the shop. His boss had yelled at him a little too many times, because he hadn’t been paying attention. And after every meal, should follow a dessert. And that’s all he could think of when a bitter meal was finished and he came back home to an empty fridge. He so desperately wanted his chocolate that it was basically driving him insane. He lay on his bed, the still unfinished book resting on his face and his cat asleep on his belly, snoring softly and breathing slowly. He’d tried to finish the book, the plot was amazing and the character development had made him emotionally attached. Maybe that was the reason he didn’t want to see the end. He’d stopped at a crossroad and he could sense death ahead, on both sides. So Kyungsoo was left lying there with his limbs messily splayed out on his mattress and his hope buried in the backyard, somewhere near the blooming roses and the died out fountain. He had washed the kerchief carefully, in cold water, by hand, so he wouldn’t damage the material. The piece of cloth was just a mere reminder of his doomed fate, laying there in the open, waiting to be picked up again. Kyungsoo had been ignoring his fate for quite a while now, it was about time that he’d face his fears. His cat stretched its claws out, hooking them in the material of his grey, oversized T-shirt, and pulling it closer to himself. Even what was his, wasn’t his.

On Sunday, he decided to return the kerchief. The shop was open on Sunday, he knew that. It was the most beautiful day to visit the shop. It was almost deserted, the shop owner was quietly doing his work and books were waiting on their shelves to be read. But today, the shop was cold and uninviting. He hauled his emotions with him in a bag, closed off to the outer world with a tight knot. But the weight was taking its toll on him and his nerves were shaking by the time he entered the shop and the bronze bell rang. The man behind the counter smiled at him, waving shyly, before returning to the book he was reading. “I-I came t-to return your, uh, kerchief.” Kyungsoo stuttered. He took the kerchief from the pocket of his coat. It was folded so neatly, it was cleansed with so much love, and now it was handed back with so much anxiousness, that the corners folded downwards. “Thank you. For washing it, I mean. Not for almost breaking your nose or anything. Who would say thank you because of that?” The man seemed to be just as anxious as him, stuttering and laughing and pretending to keep his calm cool, while his hands were trembling as well. He put the kerchief away, sighing and looking up. “How’s the book?” He asked, probably referring to that one novel that is still lying on his mattress, opened on a page somewhere halfway the book. “It’s good.” Kyungsoo said, hoping he sounded like he had actually read the book fully conscious, like he knew what he was talking about. “Good.” They fell silent, the only sound being the clock, ticking the seconds away, which turned into minutes. Minutes of dead silence, filled with nervous glances and lip biting. “I gotta go, uh-“ Kyungsoo pointed at the door, making a face like he was saying that he had a lot of work to do, you know that’s what people do; work and stuff, and not lust after food which has taken form in a human being. “Yes, I guess so. See you later, mister Do.” Kyungsoo nodded and walked backwards to the exit, maybe succeeding into walking a pile of books over and bumping into a bookshelf and maybe laughing ridiculously about it before running away back to his apartment.

Kyungsoo desperately needed a plan for his next visit to the shop at the corner of the block. The last days at work had gone terribly wrong because he kept getting stuck in this certain daze caused by a huge mass of emotions working its way around his head. With every thought, he ruffled his red hair, until it was so out of control that he had to go to the bathroom to fix it, because clients thought he was a homeless man who’d intruded the building, which wasn’t very good for the marketing. He petted his cat in thought. He’d thrown on his pajamas and the tellie to distract himself a bit, but the sappy romance movie didn’t really help, because he was constantly annoyed by the female party which kept whining and could not muster enough courage to talk to the love of her life. Which reminded him of this situation he was in. Now, he should not get ahead of himself, that man was certainly not the love of his life and he didn’t have to tell him straight forward that he’d like to take a bite if that was possible, but he could at least try to talk normally to him and articulate clearly. In almost every drama the nerdy, not so pretty girl could get the guy she wants, so why wouldn’t he, as a nerdy, single, not so handsome, ordinary man be able to get the man he liked. The least he could do was give it a shot and see what’d come next.

After he’d made sure that his hair was okay enough, his clothes were okay enough and he’d put his scarf on in a way that he wouldn’t be too easy to identify, he was ready to go out to the bookshop once more. He had his wallet filled, he’d finished his book and it was time to get a new one, nothing special about it. Save for that one hot guy, who was certainly too y to have that kind of job. With all the courage he’d saved up, he stepped into the store. It was as quiet as ever, it scented of ink and dust and he felt home. He let his eyes adjust to the soft light shining from the single light bulb hanging on the ceiling by a pathetic looking wire, which was trying so hard to keep the light bulb hanging. It seemed as if that wire was a metaphor of his life. He was trying so hard to keep his life on track and hanging. His feet finally started moving towards the bookshelves, stretching out in long rows, reaching to the ceiling, full of books of all sorts. His feet came to a halt. The chocolate man was stocking the books, while standing on a little stool and stretching out his arm so far that his sweater drove up to reveal more of his tanned skin. Kyungsoo could almost feel his jaw hitting the floor, the ifs filling his eyes and flowing over the scenery. His doubts came back and his courage leapt away through his shoes onto the wooden floor. “Mister Do!” The man said, a little bit out of breath. The puff of breath that came from between his lips condensed his glasses. He took them off and wiped them off on his sweater, showing off those amazingly dark eyes, unhidden for others. They always say that you have to cherish your diamonds by hiding them the best you can. This man was doing a great job at hiding himself, but Kyungsoo would steal him anyway if he could manage to do so. “Hi.” He said, ever so smoothly, trying to rest his hand on the bookshelf, but failing. He himself thought he’d managed to hide it pretty well by pretending to wipe some dust off. The chocolate man thought otherwise, a smile stretched out on his way too good features. “How is it going with the book?” He asked, getting off of the stool. He kicked it aside a bit, making it clatter on the floor. Apparently he was as smooth as Kyungsoo. “The plot was as thick as the frame of your glasses.” In his mind, he played the laugh track from those soaps with no plot whatsoever. He would slap himself if that wasn’t considered to be something mad people do. “Thanks.” The man smiled anyway. “Can I help you with anything? Are you looking for something specific?” Kyungsoo twirled his fingers. “Do you have a suggestion?”

It took him approximately half an hour to get all the books he found interesting from the  shelves they were in, and another five minutes before he’d placed them all on the counter and put them in stacks in order of genre. Kyungsoo took his sweet time looking through the book titles, the backs of the books and every so now and then the first page of the book. “This one.” He placed the chosen one in front of the man, who’d started to work on some paperwork while Kyungsoo was doing his thing. “Very well, that’ll be ten thousand won.” Kyungsoo took out the money, but was stopped by the man who continued: “But you don’t have to pay if you’ll pay for our meals later.” Kyungsoo was dumbfounded at that abrupt invite, but put his money back in his wallet. “Perfect let’s go.” The man came from behind the counter smiling down at Kyungsoo. “Don’t you have to work until closing time… uh… what’s your name?” The man’s smile widened. “You’d think that someone who goes to a bookshop would be able to read a nametag as well.” Kyungsoo blushed. “Sorry…” The little name tag shone in the dull light. “Kim Jongin.”

They walked to a place which Jongin described as ‘ing amazing’ in silence, which sounded like he tried his best to be a cool guy with a super unadvanced vocabulary, like  cool people do. Neither of them really knew what to say to each, because everything would probably lead to another embarrassment and Kyungsoo had had enough for a while. Once the waitress had taken their orders and had stopped drooling over Jongin’s beauty, Jongin opened his mouth to start a conversation. “You know, people are what they read. It’s really interesting to get know so much about someone without really talking to them.” Kyungsoo just nodded a bit, waiting for Jongin to continue, not trusting himself to talk at all. “As for you, you’ve only bought two books in the time I’ve owned the bookshop, but I already know a bit about you. You don’t really look special on the outside, only the ones who are truly interested in uncovering the mystery that is not to be seen on the surface will do their best to understand the inside, which is beautiful, detailed and a bit tedious, but every move is so well explained once you’ve unveiled the inside. So I hope my assumptions, based on your purchases, will be right. But not only the storyline and looks of the book are similar to the readers, even the paper and the font. You have a fragile, paper thin looking skin, made of finest materials from the finest trees, so beautiful. Not too white and not too yellow and old looking. The structure is smooth, but a bit gruff, so there is a nice grip. Am I right, mister Do?” Kyungsoo gaped at him for a while, opening and closing his mouth like  fish. He was trying to find the words to respond to him. Because he was kind of speaking the truth about him. For a second he thought Jongin had just been rambling in his anxiety to start a normal conversation and he considered making a funny comeback. But his eyes seemed so hopeful and desperate that he decided for a more tactful and true response instead. “You are right, I guess.” He said, trying to play it off coolly, by smirking and taking a sip of his drink. Jongin smiled at him, all white teeth and gums, his eyes almost disappearing. His smile, Kyungsoo concluded, was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“You know, people are what they eat as well.” Kyungsoo said with amusement as he looked at Jongin, who was greedily putting spoons full of chocolate ice cream in his mouth. He was glad he could finally start conversation as well, as Jongin had been the one to start from the beginning. It was uncomfortable how much pressure he’d felt to say something deep and profound and impress Jongin with his knowledge. And he’d finally found something. Jongin stopped to look at him. Was he wrong after all? It sounded kind of weird… Too late to back out now. “You ordered chocolate ice cream with honey syrup, which is rather funny. Your skin reminds me of chocolate and your voice reminds me of honey, together they are so sweet, but the pure chocolate makes it slightly more bitter. Which is also like your mind and physical appearance, I guess. You look like a tough guy who gets all the girls and is super smooth, but you cover it in honey to make it less apparent. Or maybe you dress up as yourself, but try to play the cool guy to impress people.” It was silent for a while, as Jongin let this sink in. Then he laughed, his eyes closing and his mouth falling open. “Oh my God. That’s amazing mister Do! Let me try that as well. Wait.” He put his spoon against his mouth in thought, pursing his lips and a frown adorning his forehead, the same frown Kyungsoo’d seen when he’d looked so puzzled over the hinges of the door. “I see it now! You ordered nougat with hot cherry sauce. Nougat is not a treat everyone likes, it is soft and a bit chewy, but it has chunks in it which give it more structure. It is full of sugar and sweetness, but the taste is not too sweet. So your appearance is like a nice guy, but you’re not so sweet from the inside. Or that’s maybe the way you think? If you combine it with the my assumption about books it’s compatible with the way you think. And the hot cherry sauce is that you like it rough, but that you want to be cherished as well.” Kyungsoo blushed and swallowed. “And it also suits your appearance, your skin is so milky white and looks so creamy and your hair is red!” Jongin started laughing again, mainly because Kyungsoo had suddenly become so shy. “I’m absolutely right, aren’t I? Mister Do, you are one of a kind.” He laughed some more, wiping the tears of laughter away with his napkin. “Jongin?” A snigger. “Yes?” A sigh of contentment passed Jongin’s lips. “Please stop calling me mister Do, it’s not like I’m an old man.”

Jongin ended up walking Kyungsoo home, which he’d refused heavily, because he did not under any condition want to feel troubled by making Jongin do more for him than he should, maybe also because it made him feel like a girl… While walking to Kyungsoo’s apartment, of which Jongin of course didn’t know where it was located so Kyungsoo had to pull at his arm to get him to walk in the right direction and they bumped into each other a few times due to confusion on Jongin’s part, they were also silent. They looked up at the sky to see the stars shining down on them, the moon just a single white streak. “Do you like chocolate, Kyungsoo?” Jongin suddenly asked, while keeping his gaze up. Kyungsoo thought about this. Jongin seemed like the person to come back to earlier conversation without being too straight to the point, he didn’t seem like someone who’d ever be too straight to the point anyway, but maybe he was just thinking about desserts. Kyungsoo had that sometimes as well, the sky made him think of cotton candy, which was weird of course, but maybe Jongin had the same thing. Thought the connection between the sky and chocolate was vague to him. “Yeah, I like chocolate a lot, but only if it deserves its name.” Jongin smiled at him and Kyungsoo understood that this wasn’t just about innocent treats. Either way, whatever it had been about, Kyungsoo had spoken the truth. There was only one way to find out what Jongin had been thinking about when he’d asked that question. “And you, Jongin? Do you like nougat?” Jongin’s smile brightened. “Very much, yes.” And with that, Jongin leaned down to place a soft kiss on Kyungsoo’s forehead, the place heating up. Just like a mother’s kiss, it healed all his wounds and all his pain. It filled him with warmth and made butterflies erupt in his stomach, flapping their wings, trying to get out, their beautiful colours filling his insides, colouring his heart.

unbeta-ed as , sorry. and i'm sick. and started writing this. and i don't really know how to continue with After the Collapse and i don't even know if i'll make a sequel out of this. it kinda screams for it, but it kinda doesn't. idk.