The suffocating air of reality is clouding up on me. The endless stream of frustration is getting the best of what I have become. My thoughts are poisoned by the negativity that is surrounding me. I am starting to question the existence of all good things, of happy moments, and why the feeling is only momentarily. Being stuck in this house - our house – now seems to be more than a burden than a blessing.  The sheets that once felt like serendipity now feels like misery. The couch that was tranquil now felt cold and miserable. The piano that was used to express feelings that were better brought to life than told is now covered with a white cloth, and the possibility of it being used again is slimmer than ever. And the memories that developed along with this house now feels like bitter and sad misadventures. This was no longer our home, it didn’t feel like it was even the slightest of my home. It’s just a house, a two-floor apartment that we bought for us. For the family that we were supposed to create. For the lifetime that we were supposed to share.

I need to get out of here.

The pressure that increased in my chest forced me to exert much effort to opening and closing the door, causing it to slam open and then shut. 

The cold winter breeze tickled my cheeks  as well as my nose. I brought a scarf, a red knitted scarf which used to be his. Then I suddenly realized, this knitted scarf was his. I unwrapped it immediately and threw it away. I don’t need him anymore, I don’t want him anymore, I don’t love him anymore. I thought that If I say these repeatedly, I would actually start to mean it. Never have I been so wrong.

I decided to run. I ran and ran around our little neighbourhood. This is the neighbourhood that we once spent the entire night exploring. The streets were empty, the night was young, and I am alone. I am ing alone. The man that promised to be with me through thick and thin is no longer by my side. The man that was powerful enough to ease my sorrow is now the reason why I feel it once more. The man that I was hoping and praying for to never leave me, did. The man whom I chose to marry - my husband - heartlessly filed a divorce, and left me.

Divorced at the age of 25, it is questionable if I should be happy that it ended sooner rather than later. If it did happen later, I would've bought more time. I would have stalled every day. I would've spent more time to be with the man whom I made the center of my life. I do wish we had more time, so that I could show him how much I love him.

Why did I ing keep that house? That beautifully decorated house. The house that is creeping with moments of happiness. I don't want to see all of that anymore. I don’t want to be reminded of the biggest failure of my life.

I spotted a liquor store while I was running. Perfect. I bought a bottle of wine and then ran again. This time, I knew where I was going.

      The calmness of the ocean was perfect for my wrecked soul. The waves that gushed to the shore were music to my ears. The white sand that stretched along the beach felt better, comfier than my king-sized bed. And the wine, the wine was better than having nothing to accompany me while I grieve.

The lack of people around the beach encouraged me to drink more and more. I slowly chugged the wine, taking breaks to feel the heat of what I was consuming, until the wine became half. I laughed. My stash is nearly finished, I should've bought more. I took out my phone to check the time. Time never stood by my side. It was always fast, as if it was in a hurry. I, on the other hand, wanted everything to be in slow motion. So that I could absorb what was made of it, and accept the fact that it won't take long until it's gone. As I predicted, it was a little after midnight. I swiped my phone to unlock it and was welcomed by our picture, the one we took during our honeymoon. It was a picture of us by the Eiffel Tower, standing opposite one another and leaning in for a kiss. There were hundreds of these in that house, all of it serves as a reminder of how beautiful our relationship was. 

A few clicks, a few scrolls, then one more final click led me to waiting for someone to answer my call. The devastating part of calling is hearing the beeps. It gives you the joy of knowing that the phone of the person you’re calling isn't turned off or that the number you're calling is still being used. But the longer it takes, the lesser the chance of your call being answered. The hope you felt begins to make your stomach churn from the possibility that your call is being ignored. You start tapping your phone or bouncing your leg or biting your fingernails out of anxiety. In summation, you start being impatient.

"Answer the damn phone" I mutter repeatedly as the possibility that my call will be answered grew thinner and thinner.

"Hello?" The voice from the other line caused me to sit up. The speeches that I once formed in my mind were now missing. It feels like something from my throat is preventing me to speak.

"Hello, Woo Bin?" I choked out the words. What was supposedly said as tough and strong as possible came out sounding little and weak. Smooth move.

"What do you want?" The sound of irritation mixed with both exhaustion and sleepiness drowned my ears.

"I still love you. And I know somewhere in your heart you still have feelings me too, even if you say you don't. Please don't give up on us like this. You’re better than this, we’re better than this. Please remember everything that we have been through, or at least remember our wedding. We vowed to each other, Woo. For better or for worst, remember? You promised-"

"Stop it! Stop all of this! For Pete's sake, Shinhye!" The former intonation was now mixed with anger and annoyance "Are we going to talk about this again? The files has been signed, the decision has been made, the divorce is done. Everything is done, Shin. Why can't you just accept the fact that we're done?"

His harsh words silenced me. My heart was aching more than ever, and my whole body felt numb. None of us spoke for a long time, but I knew he was still there.

"Then tell me..." I began, still uncertain if I could push my question through "Tell me why you wanted a divorce"

"I'm not doing that. You're just-"

"Tell me. Tell me one last time and then I'll leave you alone" I said. My mouth is quivering, my hands couldn't stop from shaking, and the tears that I tried so hard to prevent are starting to flow freely down my cheeks.

He sighed in defeat, wanting to get this phone call over with.

"I don't love you anymore, Shin. I thought it would last forever, but it didn't. It died out. I don't know how it happened, but it did. And I'm happy with my life now, I'm happy with who I'm with. You should make yourself happy too." He said

His words burned every inch of me. The scorching heat that I felt was more powerful than the cold winter breeze. It's as if I was being dragged down to the deepest part of the earth and I can't escape it. I feel too weak to do so. I know there is a ladder, a clear escape path that would take me out of my sorrow, but I can't see it. And here I am thinking that hearing this again would solve it, that it would bring me back to a better way of thinking. Instead, it made me feel disoriented.

"Thank you, Woo Bin" I said half-heartedly and hung up.

I kept on crying. I couldn't help but imagine how pathetic I look drunk calling my ex-husband in the hopes that something different would happen. I thought that perhaps something good would occur for once after a long time of pure bad luck. But my expectations were no match to my cruel reality.

I brought the wine to my mouth and ingested a big amount of it.

Kim Woo Bin. That lying, heartless, low-life . I start to question how everything happened. I tried tracing back to how it all started. I want to see the fault line that developed as our relationship grew. I begin remember those times when I should've been more attentive or when he should've been more understanding. Along with these thoughts were the 'What Ifs'. If I paid attention to his rants about that day's basketball game, would it make a difference? If he was understanding about how I did not like going out late at night because I was always tired from work, would we still be together? If we had nothing to argue about, would our faith be different? If my argument was strong enough to prevent him from filing a divorce, would he have backed out from it?

I lifted the wine bottle for another sip, but the bottle was now empty. I want more, I need more. I plumped down to the sand and reached for my phone. A few clicks and I was calling someone yet again. My eyes were heavy from crying, I couldn't bear to hold it any longer. I shut my eyes close while waiting for the other line to pick up.

"Hello?" A groggy voice answered from the other line.

"Lee Jongsuk, be a dear and get me some wine." I ordered.

"Why can't you get it yourself?" He said.

"Because..." My words slurred as I slowly felt sleepy "I'm in a beach and I'm too drunk to get up"

"Which beach?" He asked. His voice was no longer groggy.

"I don't know" I said.

"Yah, Park Shinhye! What do you mean you don't know? Look around you, and tell me what you see" He said.

I stood up and opened one eye, the other eye was starting to sting because I was crying very hard.

"Ocean, sand, darkness" I said as I observed. Jongsuk groaned as I mentioned what I saw. Shifting my body towards my back view, I continued "Green streetlights"

"Okay, I know where you are" he said "Do not go anywhere"

"Okay!" I said cheerfully and went back to sleep.

I’m not sure how long I passed out, maybe not long enough. The breeze grew colder, causing me to shiver. I tried to shift my body, trying to bring warmth, but nothing worked. It’s too cold. I decided to open my eyes. The beach still looked as serene as it was earlier, with the sound of the waves overpowering the emptiness of it. The sky was still dark and the moon still illuminated above the ocean. It shined and brought light to the beautiful view. And of course, there he was. Beside me sat Lee Jongsuk, sipping his beer while staring out into the ocean.

“I see we have the same pajamas” I commented on our attire as I sat up.

“Yeah” Taking a break to drink more of his beer “You’ve always been a copycat” he said jokingly.

That earned him a smack. Sadly, my strong attempt of hitting him did not seem to faze him in any way. Seeing how I was nearly freezing to death, he wrapped a blanket around me, which I thanked him. I tried to grab a bottle of beer from the bottles that was sitting on his lap, but he stirred them away.

“Who says you could have one? Besides, you've already finished a whole bottle of wine" he said and moved back to his former position. He looked away again, towards the ocean. He looked at the farthest site of the ocean, trying to absorb what his eyes could see.

I twitched my upper lip out of annoyance.

"How did you find me anyway?" I asked

"This beach is just behind my house" he pointed behind us.

Oh, right. How could I forget that? My heightened emotions caused me to forget where my best friend's house is. Or was it my drunkenness?

"What brought you here anyway?" He asked, he's now facing me.

"I... I couldn't take it anymore. I needed some fresh air" I said while looking at my fingers. “I made a poem while I was alone here” I said.

He didn’t say anything. It was his way of encouraging me to continue what I was saying.

“All of the time that’s gone and wasted

While I seat here, feeling gloom

I used it to imagine

that he was here, with me, under the moon.

But alas, it will always be just a fantasy

A make believe, a hoax

Because this is my reverie,

My own medicine, my own dose”

“A great talent wasted on a ty man” he commented. Jongsuk has always been straight-forward, especially when it comes to me.

“I called him earlier” I said. My little confession made him groan and mess his hair out of frustration.

"Stop calling him, Shin. You're only hurting yourself" he said worriedly.

"But I just wanted to try" I started crying again "I thought that maybe it would make a difference if I called him again. Maybe it would change his mind, maybe he'll come back"

He came closer and hugged me. Comfort doesn't always need talking. Sometimes comfort could come from the mere fact that someone is there for you, listening.

"I miss him, Jong. He was my life. Now that he's gone..." I cried harder "I don't know what to do"

He hugged me tighter and caressed my hair.

"It’s time to start a new life, Shinhye" He said out of the blue. He released me from his hug for me to see and hear what he was saying.

"Build a new life. Forget every inch of that divorce. You're still young, for Christ's sake." He stressed.

"I think that's too much for me to handle. This divorce, this heartbreak, is heavy enough for me to even think of anything else. Even the mere thought of our house is confusing me. It's too painful to be in that house, I....I can't live there knowing that I would wake up to see and remember all of the memories we made it that house" I tried to explain.

"Then come live with me" he said. I froze and just stared at him. I've never heard him this sincere in the entire span of our friendship. He held my hands and looked directly into my eyes.

"If it’s too much for you, then we’ll do it one by one. Start by moving out of your house. You can easily sell it. I’ll sell it myself if I have to. I would be more than happy to live with you. Let's build new memories there. My house looks dull anyway" It made both of us laugh "Let's try new things, let's make a garden, fix my home theatre, let's learn how to bake!" His craziness sounded more and more inviting.

He kissed me in the forehead, then moved  downward to kiss my nose.

"I love you, okay? And I'll always be here for you. I hate to see you like this, Shin. You don't deserve any of this, you deserve to be happy. You shouldn't waste your life because of his wrongdoing." he said. I've heard him say this to me for what seemed like a thousand times, but there is something different about this one. I don't want to assume anything, not right now, not when the pain is too fresh.

I nodded and we went back to observing the scenic view.

It wasn't long until the sun rose. What was a dark sky turned into light blue, then to bright orange. It is one of the universe's phenomenon which I always wanted to see. Thank God I got to witness it with Lee Jongsuk by my side.

"Let's get some decent sleep, shall we?" He invited. I nodded, feeling sleepy as well. We took all of our trash and dumped it in a garbage bin nearby.

As we walked side by side, with our fingers intertwined with one another, I looked forward to a better life. I felt safer with Lee Jongsuk by my side. The view is clearer now, my escape path became visible. Today, I leave all of my sorrows, all of my bitterness, all of the pain. Today, I begin a new life.