“Siwon…” said Kyuhyun, looking down in his lap.

 

His hands gripped the fabric of his pants, pulling them taut and then releasing them again as he stirred anxiously in his seat.

 

“Yes, Kyu?” asked Siwon turning to look in his direction.

 

They were sitting in Siwon’s car that was parked in front of his father’s church. It was an early Sunday morning and Siwon was finally taking Kyuhyun up on his promise to accompany him to one of his father’s services.

 

Waking up that morning, Siwon had been in an incredibly good mood, so glad that he could finally share one of his great passions with Kyuhyun. But now, staring at the boy next to him, Siwon could see how uncomfortable he truly was.

 

“I know I promised I’d come here with you, but now I’m having second thoughts,” Kyuhyun softly mumbled. 

 

Siwon could see the nervousness reading across Kyuhyun’s pale face. It wasn’t that Kyuhyun was against going to church. No, not at all. The problem was that Siwon’s father had always treated him a little different than the rest of the members. He never truly embraced him as he did the others, so Kyuhyun was more than a little apprehensive to be seeing him this morning.

 

“Kyu-ah, it’s going to be fine. We’ll just stay for the service, I’ll greet my father afterwards, and then we can go do whatever you’d like for the rest of the day. How does that sound?”

 

Kyuhyun slightly perked up at this offer. His posture straightened and his eyes even held a small sparkle.

 

“Really? Anything?” he asked turning to look at Siwon through his layer of dark messy bangs.

 

Siwon nodded eagerly, his dimples appearing at the cuteness Kyuhyun unexpectedly displayed.

 

But then Kyuhyun suddenly had a sobering thought that quickly destroyed the small ray of hope Siwon had just given him.

 

“But your father hates me. What’s he going to say when he sees me here?” he said with a small pout.

 

“Kyu, he doesn’t hate you,” said Siwon shaking his head.

 

“Then what would you call it?” asked Kyuhyun raising an eyebrow.

 

“He just hasn’t taken the time to realize how great a person you are…and how much you mean to me. Once he does…everything will get better, I promise,” said Siwon as he grasped Kyuhyun’s hand that was laying on his thigh.

 

Bringing it to his lips, he placed a gentle kiss on the back of it, making Kyuhyun’s cheeks flush a soft pink.

 

Their private moment soon collapsed in on itself when they saw church patrons walking by on either side of the car, heading into the church.

 

Kyuhyun shrank a little into his seat, pulling his hand away back on to the safety of his lap.

 

Siwon gave a small sigh. Kyuhyun was always a little uncomfortable with Siwon showering him with affection, but he knew this reaction wasn’t only due to his own embarrassment, but also to protect Siwon from being caught in a compromising situation. Even the smallest amount of skin ship acceptable between close friends made Kyuhyun beyond paranoid.

 

Although they had been “together” for a few months now, neither really knew what to call what it is they were doing. Sure they had stolen kisses when they hoped no one was looking and had full on make-out sessions when they were sure no one was. There had also been those late night pillow talks that always seemed to end with them being intertwined in each other’s limbs the next morning. But nothing had been taken further, and ‘love’ had never left either of their lips.

 

Kyuhyun understood very well the background that Siwon came from. He knew that his father and mother had raised him in a very religious and conservative household, which is why he was confused at the situation he found himself in. How could a boy that was so fidgety about saying the word ‘gay’ do the things he did?

 

In no way was Kyuhyun complaining though. He secretly looked forward to Siwon’s hands finding their way to his body or the feeling of his soft lips against his. And nothing made him happier than smelling Siwon’s scent still in his sheets days after he had last been there. But he knew better than to lose himself in it. In his mind, nothing was concrete…that is, until he heard Siwon say otherwise.

 

Once the crowd seemed to die down some, Siwon finally convinced Kyuhyun to exit the car. They walked side by side up the stone steps and pass the two wooden doors that opened directly into the main worship hall.

 

  Kyuhyun could feel himself beginning to shake as they walked down the middle of the aisle, still shoulder to shoulder. The significance of this gesture wasn’t lost on him as he realized that they indeed looked like two grooms, in their Sunday best, ready to embark on a new journey together. And in many ways, they were.

 

Grabbing hold of his arm, Siwon  pulled Kyuhyun into the third row of benches from the front, all the way to the end, to try his best to put the boy at ease.

 

Kyuhyun gave Siwon a small grateful smile as his back settled against the hard wood of the pew.

 

As the service begin, Kyuhyun found himself unable to really concentrate. The entire time he shifted his gaze around the entire room. He would gaze at Siwon’s father, both impressed and frightened at the power the small man seemed to project out through his sermon. When it became too much, he would began looking at the faces of the patrons, more so hoping that none of them were returning his glances, curious to know why he was seated beside the pastor’s son. When his paranoia set in, he would settle back on Siwon’s face.

 

It was here he found peace. Watching Siwon worship was like watching a fish swim through water. He made it look so easy, so calming, beautiful even. When it came time to follow along with the passages his father read, he saw Siwon’s eyes scan the page intently, nodding and murmuring ‘amen’ when he was touched. When the choir sang out, Siwon sang passionately with them, his hands raised to the heavens and his eyes closed, a smile gracing his face. It made Kyuhyun feel so connected to him, to see Siwon really come alive in his natural element.

 

But before he knew it, the service was over. He was jolted out of the moment from gazing at Siwon when he saw the older boy rise and greet the patrons that came over to them.

 

Kyuhyun quickly rose himself, nodding, and murmuring greetings to those who came to speak to him and Siwon.

 

After what seemed like a never ending line of people, Siwon finally turned to Kyuhyun with a dimpled grin.

 

“So, what’d you think?!” he asked, his eyes still filled with afterglow.

 

“It was…great. Really great,” said Kyuhyun as his mind was flooded with images of Siwon over the last hour. “Your….father is really a great speaker.”

 

Siwon nodded in approval, “See, I told you that you’d enjoy it! Come on, you should tell him, he would really appreciate it.”

 

Siwon again grabbed Kyuhyun’s arm, pulling him in the direction of his father.

 

“Wait—n-no Siwon!” said Kyuhyun digging his heels into the ground and grabbing on to the bench beside him to make them stop.

 

“What is it?” asked Siwon tilting his head to the side.

 

“Please…I’m really not ready to meet your father. Some other time, just…not now, okay?” pleaded Kyuhyun, his eyes glistening.

 

“Kyu…,” said Siwon, his eyes growing softer. “Are you okay?”

 

Kyuhyun nodded. For some reason, adrenaline was pumping through his body at an alarming speed. Although he was happy to have come with Siwon, because it allowed him to see a different side of the boy he had grown to care so much about. He was also terrified at still confronting the one part of Siwon’s world he couldn’t seem to crack.

 

“Okay, look, I understand. I would never force you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, you know that,” said Siwon in a small voice as he stepped closer to Kyuhyun. “How about we just wait downstairs? All of the associate pastors are away on a retreat and Sunday school was cancelled today, so no one should really be there. I can just stay with you until my father goes into his office.”

 

Kyuhyun nodded, liking this idea much better than the first.

 

“Okay,” he said with a soft smile and this time, Siwon cupped his hand and led him towards the staircase at the far end of the room.

 

When they reached the basement floor, Siwon, still holding Kyuhyun’s hand, pulled him into the Sunday school room.

 

On their way there, just like Siwon had promised, no one had been in the hallway or any of the surrounding rooms, so Kyuhyun felt more at ease.

 

“So, this is where they make baby Christians?” asked Kyuhyun softly as he walked into the room.

 

Siwon chuckled, “I guess you could say that.”

 

Kyuhyun smiled as he walked around the small room, stopping to look at all of the books along the shelf that told the stories he had remembered hearing as a child.

 

Running his fingers along the spines of the books, he suddenly felt a shiver along his own.

 

Taking a sharp breath inwards, he closed his eyes as he realized that Siwon was standing directly behind him.

 

“I’m really glad that you decided to come with me today Kyu,” he said softly.

 

Kyuhyun turned around, slightly shocked that Siwon was so close, but relaxing again, when he saw the sincerity in his eyes.

 

“I know it meant a lot for you to be able to share this with me…and I wanted to come,” said Kyuhyun, mumbling the last part.

 

“Really? Would you come with me again?” asked Siwon with a smirk.

 

“I’d consider it,” said Kyuhyun with a small laugh at the pun they were making.

 

Siwon laughed as well, slightly pushing Kyuhyun’s shoulder.

 

“I have to be honest though,” said Kyuhyun once they settled back into their silence.

 

“About what?” asked Siwon with a small frown.

 

“I didn’t really hear too much of your father’s sermon,” said Kyuhyun looking down at his feet.

 

“Why?” asked Siwon growing more curious.

 

“Because I was too busy…looking around,” said Kyuhyun still eying his feet.

 

“At what?” asked Siwon with a chuckle.

 

“Well, your dad at first. He’s really confident and so poised, but after awhile I just got too intimidated. So I started looking at everyone else sitting around, and then, well…I just watched you,” said Kyuhyun softly.

 

Siwon could see the flush growing from Kyuhyun’s neck to eventually his cheeks. He always loved when Kyuhyun would get shy around him. It showed that he really cared what Siwon thought. But what Kyuhyun didn’t know, is that Siwon already thought the world of him, and more.

 

“Why were you looking at me?” asked Siwon raising his hand to brush his finger tips across the smooth skin of Kyuhyun’s reddened cheek.

 

“I don’t know, just the way that you were so caught up in everything, it was nice. Sometimes I wish that I could love something as much as that,” said Kyuhyun still avoiding Siwon’s eyes.

 

“But don’t you?” asked Siwon moving his hand to touch Kyuhyun’s soft dark hair.

 

Kyuhyun swallowed hard, a mild panic sweeping over him as he looked back at Siwon. For a moment he thought he had meant…

 

“Singing pabo,” said Siwon with a grin when he saw Kyuhyun’s confused look.

 

Kyuhyun let out a breath of relief and then laughed, easing the tension in the room.

 

“Religion is something that gives me answers and hope for a better future. I’ve always felt that you get back what you put in, so sometimes I get a little carried away,” said Siwon sheepishly.

 

Kyuhyun shook his head, “N-no, it was great! You were really into it. Especially the singing. I’ve always told you that you have a beautiful voice Hyung.”

 

Siwon inwardly frowned at the sentiment. He never enjoyed being called that by Kyuhyun. For some reason, it just wasn’t enough.

 

“Thanks Kyu, but we all know you're the one with the talent. Next time you should sing along. I would really love to hear you singing hymns,” said Siwon looking into Kyuhyun’s eyes. “I bet you would sound better than the angels.”

 

Again Kyuhyun blushed as he shook his head, embarrassed at Siwon’s cheesiness.

 

After looking over his shoulder, certain that they were alone, Siwon pushed Kyuhyun gently against the book case.

 

Kyuhyun’s eyes grew wide as he understood Siwon’s intentions.

 

“Siwon—no, what if someone catches us?” he said putting his hands on Siwon’s chest, trying to stop him.

 

“I told you, everyone’s upstairs, don’t worry,” said Siwon as he pecked the supple skin of Kyuhyun’s neck.

 

Exhaling deeply through his nose, Kyuhyun closed his eyes.

 

He knew that Siwon wouldn’t let this go any further than it should, so he decided to just relax into his touch.

 

When he didn’t hear any more protests, Siwon planted a chaste peck to Kyuhyun’s lips. Smiling at how Kyuhyun’s lips were puckered but his eyes still squinted shut, he went in again, giving him another soft kiss.

 

A few short minutes passed by and Siwon’s hands had already moved to Kyuhyun’s waist and the younger’s had found themselves resting awkwardly on Siwon’s tall shoulders. Their innocence pecks had matured into hungrier, more passionate kisses, but they still fought to restrain themselves.

 

Meanwhile, heavy footsteps made their way down the staircase at the end of the hall, but neither Siwon nor Kyuhyun could hear them.

 

Siwon’s father had his arms full, carrying his bible, notebook and a few other texts as he made his way towards his office.

 

Breaking apart for air, after what had seemed like ages of not breathing, Kyuhyun leaned his head back against the books, while Siwon took the opportunity to move down to Kyuhyun’s neck.

 

Kissing the spot underneath his ear, Kyuhyun’s leg jerked from reflex, and he hunched his shoulder up.

 

Siwon pulled away and looked at Kyuhyun’s face.

 

“What?” he asked smirking at Kyuhyun’s reaction.

 

“It tickled,” giggled Kyuhyun as Siwon now completely smiled at Kyuhyun’s cuteness.

 

“Really?” he asked moving in for that spot again, faintly it with the tip of his tongue.

 

“Siwon-ah, no!” Kyuhyun laughed trying to push Siwon away.

 

Siwon’s father paused in the hallway. He was standing right in front of his office door, but he could hear a commotion coming from the Sunday school room. Hearing the laughter and then his son’s name, peaked his interest.

 

So he slowly walked down the hall and towards the room. When he peaked in, he saw Siwon teasing Kyuhyun by kissing his neck, which made Kyuhyun erupt into giggles as Siwon held him tightly.

 

Siwon’s father stood rigid as he watched Siwon, not truly believing what he was seeing, until he saw his son kiss the boy once more, square on the mouth without any hesitation or regret.

 

Figuring he had seen enough he walked back to his office and slammed the door, making both Siwon and Kyuhyun jump.

 

“What was that?” asked Kyuhyun, his body growing tense again.

 

“I’m sure it was no one, but I’ll go and check. Wait here, okay?” said Siwon patting Kyuhyun’s shoulder as he walked towards the door.

 

Kyuhyun gave a weak nod. What if someone had seen or heard? How could they explain themselves out of it? These were the questions plaguing his mind as he watched Siwon disappear out of the room.

 

When Siwon stood out in the hallway he saw no one, so he moved to turn back to the Sunday school room. But then he noticed that the door to his father’s office was closed, which only happened when he was inside. Furrowing his eyebrows some, he walked down the hallway and lightly tapped on the heavy wooden door.

 

“Yes?” came his father’s voice from the other side. It seemed a lot more stern than usual, almost cold.

 

“Appa?’ he said apprehensively.

 

“Come in,” he heard his father sigh after a long pause.

 

Siwon turned the handle and then walked inside.

 

His father was standing behind his desk, trying to organize the already meticulously clean space, in an attempt to not make eye contact with Siwon.

 

Finding this a little odd, Siwon walked a little farther in, leaving the door slightly ajar before he walked over to greet his father.

 

“You gave a wonderful sermon this morning Appa. I found it really moving,” said Siwon with a smile.

 

His father nodded absently mindedly as he took of his glasses and began cleaning them.

 

Siwon was a little confused about the silence that hung in the air. Usually he and his father would have a long conversation about the service when he was able to attend. It was something he looked forward to. But now it all felt different and he wasn’t sure why.

 

“Appa…is something wrong?” asked Siwon softly, becoming unsure of himself.

 

“Sit down,” was all he said finally.

 

Siwon followed his instruction and took a seat in front of his father’s desk.

 

“I see that you brought the Cho boy with you this morning,” he said as he began walking the perimeter of the room.

 

“Yes. He always promised he would join me one Sunday and he finally did,” said Siwon with a small smile. “He said he thought you were a really great speaker.”

 

His father nodded, choosing not to reply to that.

 

Siwon swallowed hard, for some reason he felt very uncomfortable with how things were going.

 

“Appa…are-are you angry with me?”

 

“What were you doing before you came into my office?” he asked suddenly.

 

“I was with Kyuhyun,” said Siwon as plainly as possible.

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Just talking.”

 

His father’s jaw tightened. He walked up to Siwon’s chair and stopped directly behind him.

 

“Is there anything you want to tell me about this boy? Something that you think might be important for me to know?” his father asked lowly.

 

“Like what exactly?”  asked Siwon as he turned around in his seat and looked up into his father’s eyes.

 

“Like what purpose he has in your life,” his father said flatly.

 

Siwon shook his head, completely confused.

 

“He’s my band mate Appa, my brother, my dongsaeng, my friend. I don’t understand what you're asking me.”

 

“Call me a paranoid old man, but I have a hard time believing that’s all Siwon-ah.”

 

Siwon shifted awkwardly in his seat.

 

“I’m sorry you feel that way Appa but—

 

“Don’t be impudent with me. I’ve seen the way you are with him. Even before today, I could see the way you two look at each other. Dongsaengs,” he huffed at Siwon’s casual use of the word. “That’s not how you treat dongsaengs!”

 

“Appa, I apologize. But I still don’t understand what it is that you want from me. Kyuhyun and I are close friends, I don’t know what else to say,” said Siwon.

 

He felt a little nauseas due to the way this conversation was going. He knew that his father was dancing around the subject of his ‘relationship’ with Kyuhyun. But he couldn’t be sure what his father knew or didn’t know.

 

“I’d like for you to explain whatever it was that you were doing in that back room!” said his father storming to the other side of his desk and slamming his hands down on the dark wood.

 

Siwon felt like all of the blood had drained out of his body. For a moment he couldn’t hear or feel anything. He was completely numb.

 

Back in the Sunday school room, Kyuhyun had taken a seat at one of the small tables and was flipping through a children’s book to try and distract his troubled mind when he heard the shouting from down the hall.

 

He chewed on his bottom lip as he looked up in the direction of the door.

 

He knew that was Siwon’s father’s voice.

 

Standing up on uneasy legs, he walked towards the door to his room and peeked his head out.

 

Straining he tried his hardest to hear what was being said in the room, but it was now all just a bunch of murmuring. Scared to move closer, but too curious not to, Kyuhyun crept down the hall, standing just to the side of the office door.

 

He held his breath as he listened to what was happening inside.

 

“What in G-d’s name could you possibly be thinking?!” hissed his father as he leaned forward, glaring at Siwon.

 

Siwon sat silently as he tried to accept the reality of the moment.

 

“You are a Christian, are you not? I don’t think I have to explain to you why this is inherently wrong in that respect, now do I?! It is a sin Siwon! You are never supposed to lie with another man in the way you would with a woman!”

 

Still Siwon sat rigidly quiet.

 

“Putting religion aside for a moment, have you stopped to think about how dangerous this would be for everyone involved and those not even involved? Both of you are in the public eye! If this came out, your careers would be absolutely ruined! Not to mention the reputation of your families! What credibility would I have as a man of G-d with my son living out some heathenish phase with some silly boy!”

 

After having listened to his father speak badly enough about him and his actions he was already upset. But now that the conversation had shifted towards his actual relationship with Kyuhyun, he felt this sudden need to protect it.

 

“Appa, what Kyuhyun and I are doing…it’s not some phase! I care deeply about him! I…I…I love him!”

 

His father’s jaw tightened.

 

Kyuhyun’s heart stopped.

 

“You what?” breathed his father.

 

“I love him,” said Siwon more confidently.

 

If he was being honest with himself, he would have told his father that he had loved Kyuhyun from the first time they were introduced. He just hadn’t known it then or any of those proceeding days until now. Until he realized that those smiles, giggles, kisses, soft touches, and warm nights spent holding one another were about to slip away. He felt he was about to lose Kyuhyun to his father’s narrow minded views about love, and he refused to let that happen.

 

“How can you sit there looking me square in the eye and say something like that?” he asked through narrowed eyes.

 

“Because it’s the truth. Kyuhyun is everything to me. I love his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his hands, his feet, even his toes. He’s kind. He’s intelligent. He’s caring and graceful. He’s the first person I want to speak to when I wake up and the last one I want to see before I go to sleep. He’s this absolutely beautiful, perfect soul and I love him so much, that I would give him anything…or give up anything.”

 

“Even your religion?” he asked.

 

Siwon sighed looking down and then back up into his father’s eyes. “That’s the beautiful thing about Kyuhyun Appa, he would never make me choose.”

 

His father turned his back on Siwon and stared up to the ceiling.

 

“Why Lord?...why my son?! Please help him follow the righteous path so that he can leave behind this world of sin that he clings so desperately to—

 

“Appa stop!” screamed Siwon standing.

 

His father turned around, shocked to hear Siwon’s voice so loud towards him.

 

“I don’t want you praying for me! Please, just find it in you some where to understand that it shouldn’t matter! I’m a good person and so is he. If you would just speak to him, I know you would understand why it is that I’m so crazy about him. Just let me go and get him—

 

Hearing this words made the life suddenly come back into Kyuhyun’s body. He too had been almost stricken dumb by Siwon’s confession. He couldn’t believe what he had just heard. But he knew he couldn’t let Siwon catch him eavesdropping. He didn’t want him to know that he had heard all of this second hand.

 

So he darted back to the Sunday school room and sat back at the table, his knees bouncing anxiously, as he tried his hardest to control the giddiness in his heart.

 

“Don’t you dare bring him to me,” said his father once Siwon stood up.

 

“But Appa—

 

“I don’t want to ever see him come to this church again. Nor do I ever want to see the two of you together. What I saw was an abomination and you should be ashamed to have committed it in this church, where you yourself were baptized.”
 

Siwon’s shoulder’s slumped.

 

“Appa, please…don’t push me away like this,” he said walking closer to his father.

 

“I have nothing more to say to you, except to say, don’t return to this church or our family home until you are ready to live the life G-d has chosen for you.”

 

Siwon sighed as he stood, hoping his father would change his mind about his final words, but he didn’t. So he walked out of the office and back towards the Sunday school room.

 

When he stepped into the hallway, he felt tears that he didn’t know where there rolling down his cheeks. Panicking, he quickly rubbed at them, trying to hide any evidence of his sadness or frustration.

 

Hearing Siwon’s footsteps Kyuhyun tried to settle his rapidly beating heart. He couldn’t believe that Siwon had finally voiced his feelings for him. Although they weren’t directed to him, he couldn’t help but feel high with emotion, ready to embrace the boy when he returned to him.

 

Yes, it was true. He loved Siwon back.

 

But when Siwon finally stepped into the room, Kyuhyun’s lightness sank hard. There was a look of heartache on Siwon’s face, but it lasted for only a second. When it vanished, it left a look of forced cheerfulness in its place.

 

“Are you ready to go start our afternoon together?” Siwon asked motioning with his head towards the door.

 

Kyuhyun hadn’t expected this, so he felt lost, not knowing how to react.

 

“Uh, y-yeah,” he said with a nod as he stood and clumsily returned the book to it’s self.

 

When he made his way over to Siwon, he was met with a small smile.

 

“How is your father?” asked Kyuhyun weakly.

 

“Uh, well, he’s actually not feeling too well, so we didn’t talk long. It’s probably best if we just go,” said Siwon.

 

Kyuhyun nodded, a little surprised that the boy who had shared his deepest, darkest fantasies and regrets with him, was now keeping something so hurtful to himself.

 

Siwon moved to walk out the door, but as he stood over the threshold, he paused.

 

“What is it?” asked Kyuhyun as Siwon looked back at him.

 

Siwon reached back and grasped Kyuhyun’s left hand with his right. He slipped his fingers between the spaces of Kyuhyun’s. It was the first time their palms had met like this, outside of the safety of Siwon’s car or their bedrooms, and it renewed the flame inside of Kyuhyun’s heart.

 

“Let’s go,” said Siwon confidently and led Kyuhyun down the hall, past his father’s office, without giving it a second glance.

 

                                                            ***

 

 

Weeks went by and nothing happened.

 

Kyuhyun waited and waited, as patiently as he could for Siwon to say something, anything, that resembled what he had said to his father. But it never came.

 

With every kiss and every touch that followed that Sunday, Kyuhyun wondered if Siwon’s words were even true. He could have just said them in anger, and now that he’d had time to reflect on them, maybe he had come to the conclusion that he felt differently.

 

As much as Siwon’s silence pained him, it wasn’t enough for him to speak out on his own. The crippling fear that came with rejection made him bite his tongue every moment they spent alone. But as a way to garner some power over the situation, he had made a promise to himself to not let Siwon into his bed again until something was said and he had stuck to it, even though it hurt him just as much.

 

It was a late Wednesday evening and they were finishing up dinner together, as Kyuhyun sat across from Siwon silently. He was getting to his breaking point about Siwon never confronting him. The frustration and sadness he had been feeling was becoming too much and he just wanted him to say something but he wouldn’t.

 

“Kyu?” asked Siwon expectantly.

 

Kyuhyun blinked and looked up at Siwon. Had he missed it?

 

“What?” he asked softly.

 

Siwon slightly frowned, he could sense the tension that was coursing through their relationship for the past few weeks. But he had figured Kyuhyun would come and speak to him about whatever was bothering him when he was ready. Which he had yet to do.

 

“I asked you did you want me to pick you up tonight after the Kiss the Radio recording so that we can go to my place, or do you just want me to meet you at the dorm?”

 

Kyuhyun cleared his throat.

 

“Don’t worry about coming over tonight. I’ll just get a ride home with the hyungs. I’m feeling a little tired, so maybe it’s better if you stay at your apartment tonight,” said Kyuhyun looking down at his plate.

 

“Kyu..” started Siwon.

 

Kyuhyun looked up again, as it seemed that he was ready to say something important to him.

 

But at the last moment, Siwon sank back down into his chair, stabbing the final bite on his plate and lazily bringing it to his mouth.

 

Kyuhyun sighed and moved to stand, “I have to go, I don’t want to be late.”

 

Siwon nodded and stood as well. They walked to the front of the small restaurant and paid. As Siwon handed his card to the woman, he looked at Kyuhyun from the corner of his eye. Despite them being so close, Kyuhyun seemed to be so far away from him. With every moment, the separation seemed to be growing  even farther and it was almost too much for Siwon to bear.

 

So once outside, Siwon pulled Kyuhyun over the side of the building where it was slightly darker, just in the shadows of some nearby  trees.

 

 

Kyuhyun frowned, confused by what Siwon was doing. He was about to speak before Siwon beat him to it.

 

“Uh, so…have a good recording,” he said scratching the back of his head.

 

Siwon had wanted to say something else, but that was all that would come out. He wasn’t sure when things had turned so awkward between he and Kyuhyun, but he knew he hated it.

 

Kyuhyun nodded, still a little confused as to what they were doing. “You have a good night as well.”

 

He wanted so desperately to reach out and shake the confession from Siwon’s body, but he knew that wasn’t the way he really wanted it to happen.

 

It was quiet for a moment before Siwon leaned forward and placed a quick peck on Kyuhyun’s cheek.

 

Because he had promised to drop Kyuhyun off, he then turned to walk towards his car, assuming Kyuhyun would follow, when he felt a tug on his arm.

 

He looked back and saw Kyuhyun fidgeting awkwardly, still in the shadows.

 

“Kyu, are you okay?” asked Siwon stepping back closer to him.

 

Before he could loose his nerve, Kyuhyun lunged forward and kissed Siwon hard. He closed his eyes as he wrapped his arms around Siwon’s neck, sighing into the kiss. Although he was beyond frustrated with Siwon, he had missed touching him and being touched by him like this. For some reason that he couldn’t explain, he had just felt the urgent need to kiss him just one last time before they parted ways for the night.

 

Siwon’s body buzzed as he held onto Kyuhyun’s lower half. He was so hungry for this, but he hadn’t been sure that Kyuhyun would have even permitted it, with how distant he had been in the last few weeks.

 

When lack of air forced them apart, they broke away panting harshly.

 

“What was—“ started Siwon, curious about Kyuhyun’s sudden action.

 

“Come on Hyung, I can’t be late!” said Kyuhyun rushing past him and heading towards his car.

 

Siwon smiled as he followed after him, their contact high still racing through him.

 

When his car stopped in front of KBS, Siwon parked and took his keys out of the ignition.

 

Kyuhyun had been ready to jump out and run up the stairs, considering there was only 15 minutes until the show was on the air, but Siwon’s actions made him pause.

 

Realizing he was pressed for time, Siwon turned to Kyuhyun and looked into his eyes.

 

“It’s pretty obvious that something has been going wrong with the two of us ever since I brought you to my father’s church,” he started.

 

Kyuhyun rested back in the seat. He couldn’t believe this was happening now.

 

“After that day I’ve done a lot of thinking about you and me, and us being together, but I’m just not so sure it’s what you want. I mean, if you hadn’t kissed me back tonight, I would have thought we were well on the road to ‘breaking up’—well stopping, whatever it is that we’re doing,” said Siwon softly as he looked down.

 

“Siwon, I…” stared Kyuhyun. He knew this conversation meant everything for their future, but he just couldn’t be late tonight.

 

He took Siwon’s hand in his.

 

“Be waiting for me in my room when I get back. We’ll talk then, okay?” he said kissing the back of Siwon’s hand.

 

Siwon smiled at the gesture and gave a soft nod.

 

Opening the car door, Kyuhyun barely had time to glance back as he pushed it closed and then bounded up the stairs. Siwon watched him disappear into the building before he found the will to drive off in the direction of the dorms.

                                                

                                                            ***

 

Siwon blinked open his eyes slowly. For a moment, he didn’t remember where he was.

 

Sitting up on his elbows he looked around and realized he was in Kyuhyun’s room. A smile graced his lips when he remembered why he was here.

 

On the drive to the dorms he had made up his mind; he was going to ask Kyuhyun to be his tonight.

 

Deep down, although he didn’t want to admit it, Siwon knew that Kyuhyun had to have heard his conversation with his father. There was no way he couldn’t have. The coward in him had hoped that Kyuhyun would be the one to make the first move, which seemed right since he already knew how Siwon felt. But Siwon realized he was the one that needed ‘propose’ in a way, to the boy he loved. So tonight, when Kyuhyun came home that’s what he intended to do.

 

But something was wrong.

 

As he came farther and farther out of dreaming, he could hear voices outside of the bedroom. And not just voices but-but…crying?

 

Yes, he realized. Whoever was outside was balling. Sitting up way too fast, his head began spinning. But he had to know what was wrong. So he took small steps to the door and pulled it open into a complete scene of chaos.

 

 

 

One week later

 

 

He doesn’t know how it happened, but he’s so thankful it did.

 

For weeks, doctors, parents, members, and managers had been coming and going in a constant stream through Kyuhyun’s hospital room. And Siwon had barely been able to find a few minutes alone with Kyuhyun, let alone see him.

 

After the devastating car accident, it felt like time had stood still. Hearing the news felt like a million ton weight had been dropped on him. At first, he refused to believe it was as bad as they said, but when he saw him, it was all but confirmed.

 

Kyuhyun had been hurt and hurt bad. And they weren’t out of the woods yet. Though he had survived, there was still a chance that he would never be the same as he was, which was distressing news to everyone.

 

Siwon prayed day and night. He refused to believe that there was any option other than a full recovery for his love. But every time he thought about how much he loved Kyuhyun, he kicked himself for not having told him before. So he vowed that the moment Kyuhyun was coherent enough, he would tell him exactly how he felt.

 

That moment stood before him now as he looked up from his lap, mid prayer, at the sound of Kyuhyun stirring.

 

His body was still in shock, which left him in a state of muteness. So it wasn’t a surprise to Siwon when he was greeted by those two chocolate eyes he had missed so much, and nothing else.

 

“Kyu,” Siwon said, scooting closer to his bed with a smile on his face.

 

When Kyuhyun saw Siwon’s face, he swallowed, trying to clear his throat, only to grimace in pain.

 

“No, no, no, don’t try to talk,” said Siwon with a small frown when he saw Kyuhyun look at him again.

 

He took Kyuhyun’s bruised hand in his, gingerly kissing the back, making the corners of Kyuhyun’s mouth turn up.

 

“I’m so glad you're awake,” said Siwon now holding Kyuhyun’s hand with both of his. “I was praying I’d get the chance to talk you when we were alone.”

 

Kyuhyun slowly curled his fingers around Siwon’s. He wanted desperately to let him know how happy he was to see him, and he hoped his small gesture showed that.

 

“Kyu…I don’t know how much you can remember about the night of your accident, but you and I were supposed to talk about our…relationship, when you got home that night,” said Siwon softly as he remembered everything that went on that night.

 

Kyuhyun nodded and squeezed Siwon’s hand in reassurance.

 

Siwon felt a little lighter knowing that Kyuhyun hadn’t forgotten their plan.

 

Taking a deep breath, Siwon looked into Kyuhyun’s eyes. So much was stirring inside of him, and it almost enough to make him cry. Kyuhyun was laying here bruised and broken, and yet, he saw beyond all of that. Underneath all of the wounds and the bruises was still the beautiful boy he had loved in secret deep inside his heart for so long, and now, he was ready to tell him that.

 

“When the hyungs first told me what happened to you, I thought that I may never see or talk to you again. I was beyond devastated. But for some reason, even though my mind had it’s doubts, my heart would never let you go. I felt something tugging within me saying ‘don’t give up on him.’ And here we are, and I thank the Lord for blessing me with someone who is such a beautiful and perfect soul.

 

“I know that you at least heard some of what my father said about us…and I’m so sorry if it hurt you. But he just doesn’t understand that…my feelings run deeper for you than just some simple crush.

 

“I love you Kyu…I love you. I love you. I love you,” Siwon smiled as he brought Kyuhyun’s hand to his heart.

 

“Now that I can say it…I never want to stop. I need you, your touch, your eyes on me…you complete me, and the thing is… I can’t…explain it or control it. And I don’t care who doesn’t agree with it because I just love you so much and I’m sick of hiding it from everyone.

 

“I know without a doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope that as I kiss you, and squeeze your hand, that you can feel it in your heart and understand there’s no other option for me. I need you to know that I’ll always be here, holding your hand and filling your heart with love, forever.

 

“So please…please…please…will you be my love?”

 

Tears clouded Kyuhyun’s vision. He felt the soft burn as they ran from his eyes and into the cuts on his face. His chin trembled as he tried his hardest not to sob. It killed him not to be able to embrace Siwon and cover him with kisses. Even just to say ‘I love you too’ was impossible for him now.

 

Squeezing Siwon’s hand as tightly as he possibly could and gently nodding was all he could muster, but it was more than enough.

 

Siwon’s dimples carved deep into his cheeks as he grinned like a child. As happy as he was, he couldn’t believe that Kyuhyun had actually said yes. He too wanted to embrace his love and mark him with kisses, but he understood that for now, five fingers curled around his own said everything he needed.