18 April

I will grant your wish. Only if that rainbow doesn't fade away once the sun rises after a storm. I will find myself a replacement. Only if you choose to stay.

Sehun closes his diary and shoves the worn out book under his mattress where no one else can find. Soon enough he drifted into a deep sleep. Sehun had rejected his doctor's offer of going for an operation. He feared for his life. The operation wasn't entirely going to save his life anyway.

The doctor had no choice but to follow Sehun's wishes. Instead of going for an operation or chemotherapy, Sehun was given massive amounts of painkillers. It would supply him for about three months at most. Sehun was diagnosed with colorectal cancer, a deadly sickness which his family didn't know of. Not his father, or his mother. Not even his twin brother, Luhan. Sehun wanted it to be a secret. He didn't want to hurt his family. So he chose to suffer in silence.

Sehun found himself standing in an endless grey void. He was standing in the middle of nowhere. There wasn't a single sign of life. Until his saw a figure not far from where he was. He approached the figure.

"Do you know where I am?" He asked the old man in front of him. The old man mumbled something, shrugging and walked through him.

Sehun panicked.

The underworld.

There was only one question in his mind. "Is it time?"

"Sehun! Sehun wake up! I cooked you breakfast," his mother's voice was heard. It was so loud that Sehun scrambled up, waking up from his sleep.

"Oh, it was just a dream," Sehun sighed and his chest in relief.

Lately, Sehun kept thinking about death. It felt as though his death was looming closer. Nightmares always filled Sehun's mind. He was disturbed by the thought of eternal sleep, which meant imminent death. If he were to die in his sleep, no one would know.

"Sehun-ah, would you like to follow me to the park today?" Luhan asked at the breakfast table. Sehun stopped gobbling momentarily to eye at his older twin. "Well, when we were younger, you loved watching flowers bloom," Luhan explained with a genuine smile.

"Don't you have work today?" Sehun questioned with a mouthful of food.

"I took an off day today. You know, to spend time with my baby brother. We seem to stray away from each other recently. So I thought about it. Why not?" Luhan shrugged his shoulders.

"Okay," Sehun agreed. 'Why not?' It might be the last time he spends time with his twin. Might as well make it fruitful and memorable.

They headed out in the late afternoon and strolled to the nearby park, Sehun's favourite park. It was home to most of Sehun's beloved flowers. The park had a variety of beautiful flowers but the rare ones are those in his bedroom. His room was full of potted plants taken from the floral shop he co-owned together with his childhood friends, Kyungsoo and Jongin. Those two lovebirds practically took him in since they knew he loved flowers. Luhan, however, was a professional photographer who started his own business. He had built quite a name for himself ever since he documented Krystal Jung and Lee Taemin's wedding. He became famous overnight and was sought after by many rich families to document their child's weddings.

Luhan and Sehun sat on a bench near the flower bed. Sehun watches the flowers from afar. A small smile etched on his face. A question had been burning at the back of Luhan's mind ever since he was young. He had been wanting to ask Sehun but he kept forgetting it. In a soft voice, Luhan asked, "Sehun, what type of flower would I be?"

"You?" Sehun turned to face him for a moment. "Hmm... you're a Gerbera Daisy or an Amaryllis," Sehun said after thinking deeply.

"Amary-what?" Luhan squeaked, his voice was an octave higher.

"Amaryllis," Sehun laughed light-heartedly at Luhan's pitchy voice.

"And what does that mean?" Luhan pressed on, curious about the meaning of the flowers Sehun mentioned. He pulled Sehun closer to him.

Sehun hummed comfortably as he rested his head on Luhan's shoulder. He pulled his legs and tucked them closer to his chest as he snuggled next to Luhan. "A Gerbera Daisy means cheerfulness. Delphinium Hybrid symbolizes big-heartedness, fun, lightness and levity. It also indicates ardent attachment," Sehun began. "Amaryllis means splendid beauty. It is also used to indicate worth beyond beauty."

"So you think I'm big-hearted, cheerful, fun?" Luhan ruffled Sehun's hair.

"You've always been like that, hyung, shining bright like a star. I'm just living my life as your shadow sometimes," a wistful smile formed at the corner of Sehun's lips. "I wish to be you. Everyone loves you. I'm just the opposite of you."

"But you're better when you're you, Sehun. You're special in your own way. That's why Tao likes you doesn't he?" A chuckle rumbled from Luhan's chest.

"But I don't like him. Kris hyung has a thing for Tao and I don't want to be in anyone's way. I like that girl who walks past the flower shop better," Sehun muttered unhappily. "But hyung, you have Minseok who loves you dearly." Sehun rolled his eyes.

Luhan laughed, agreeing silently. He does have a lovely boyfriend, Minseok. Sehun doesn't. That's a little sad, considering that he was already twenty-four. Sehun was too shy for his own good all the time. So nope. No girlfriend. Just a crush.

Maybe that was why Sehun said they were total opposites even though they were twins.

"Why am I not a Rhodo..rhododron?" Luhan sputtered, changing the topic.

"It's Rhododendron, hyung," Sehun murmured gently, as if talking to a little child. "You aren't a Rhododendron. You're not dangerous. If anyone's a Rhododendron, it's Chanyeol and Baekhyun or Jongin," Sehun laughed at that thought." Those three can never return home without a speeding ticket."

"They're speed demons."

"Or just plain crazy. I feel like puking sometimes."

"Of course you do. You have motion sickness, Sehunnie," Luhan sang teasingly as he patted Sehun's back with a brotherly smile etched on his face.

"Hyung, I missed you terribly when you went to Canada for Minseok. I'm just glad you're back."

"I missed you too, my baby brother. I missed you too," Luhan whispered.

Thunder roared from the sky's belly. That shocked the twins out of their wits. Luhan scrambled from the bench, ready to sprint home because he hated getting drenched in the rain. Sehun got up slowly, trying to hide the pain in his stomach. He grimaced as he stood up slowly. Luhan pulled Sehun along as he dashed for the nearest shelter as he felt raindrops falling on his head.

“Hyung, stop. I can’t,” Sehun wheezed, breathless from all the running. Luhan stopped abruptly, looked at Sehun for a moment, making his mind up.

He crouched in front of Sehun and yelled, “Hop on!”

Sehun hurriedly got on Luhan’s back and hugged his hyung’s neck securely - he was afraid of falling off. Luhan huffed and puffed as he scampered down the pavement leading them home.  It wasn’t that Sehun was heavy. It was just that Luhan was running under the rain, all drenched and heavy. Carrying Sehun only added to the burden. However, Luhan didn’t complain. He offered Sehun in the first place. But why was Sehun so weak?

Stepping onto the doorsteps, Luhan knocked on the door loudly. More like banging.

“Aigo, my dear kids, why are you drenched?” A motherly voice greeted them from the doorway. Their mother brushed off the raindrops off Luhan and Sehun’s jackets. “Didn’t I remind you two to bring the umbrella? You're going to have a cold running in the rain. Especially you, Sehun."

"Sorry Mother," Sehun mumbled weakly as he slid off Luhan's back.

"I'm sorry, Sehun. You know I'm just worried about you, right? You were sickly as a child, unlike Luhan," their mother handed them tools to dry themselves. Sehun nodded pliantly. "Now wait here while I fix both of you a bath."

Luhan and Sehun waited idly by the front door, drying their hair when Luhan suddenly peeled of his clothes one by one, leaving him only in his boxers. His wet clothes laid in a heap next to the shoe rack. Sehun blushed, feeling embarassed as he eyed his twin.

"Hyung, what are you doing?" Sehun stuttered, turning away to avoid looking at Luhan.

"I'm getting ready for a warm bath," Luhan answered, not bothered by Sehun's reaction until he realised the soft pink flush of Sehun's cheeks. "Are you embarrassed, Sehunnie?"

"Shut up, hyung," Sehun sputtered in annoyance. An awkward silence followed. Sehun cleared his throat, breaking the tense atmosphere between them. "Hyung?" Sehun called softly, peeping slowly at Luhan's almost form before turning away again.

"Hmm?"

"Thanks for today. I really mean it."

"Anything for my fragile little rose," Luhan smiled adoringly at Sehun.

Sehun managed a dazzling smile - a rare one - before their mother yelled for them to take their baths. A thought lingered in Luhan's mind for the rest of the day.

Sehun needs to smile more.

Dinner was a silent one, apart from Luhan's occasional sneezing. Halfway through dinner, mother finally spoke excitedly.

"Luhan, when are you getting married?"

Both Sehun and Luhan choked on their spaghetti. Sehun coughed and wheezed, pounding his chest. Luhan reached over to Sehun and patted his back gently. It took a few minutes for the twins to calm down.

"What?" Luhan squeaked with his eyes wide open.

"When are you getting married?" His mother repeated.

"Mom, I'm never getting married. Please, we've talked through this before," Luhan reasoned, slightly pleading his mother not to bring up about marriage.

Sehun was twisting his fork around the spaghetti, picking this food. He had his head down, staying out of the conversation. He hated it when mother talked about marriage. Marriage is sacred between two people who pledged their love for life. Bull. If marriage was sacred, then why did father divorced mother? Sehun frowned. I'm not getting married either.

Their mother sighed disappointedly, slid off her chair and went into the kitchen. Luhan shook his head tiredly.

"Is it wrong?"

"Pardon me, hyung?"

"Is it wrong to love Minseok?"

Sehun bit his tongue, preventing him from speaking. Of course it's wrong, Sehun wanted to say. You like guys. It's wrong in God's eyes.

"I think I'm moving out tomorrow. I'm calling Minseok and tell him I'll shift in with him."

"No hyung. Please don't leave me again. You just got back from Canada. We haven't spend plenty of time together. Minseok always steal you away from me," Sehun's eyes started watering.

"Of course I'll spend time with you, Sehunnie. Oh my god. Are you crying for real?" Luhan heard sniffles. "Oh, Sehun, I didn't know you're still that emotional. I'm so sorry."

Luhan gave Sehun a big, warm hug to soothe the crying boy. Sehun only sobbed harder when Luhan drew soothing circles on his back. Sehun hated staying apart from Luhan ever since he was young. He was afraid that his hyung hated him. It's the same as a toddler being apart from his mother. That was how Sehun felt. They had been everywhere together since preschool. Separating only seemed to make Sehun feel incomplete. Sehun has separation anxiety ever since he was four when mother had left him in Jongin's house and forgotten to take him back. Luhan was the one who got to him first when they arrived to pick him up the next day. Since then, Luhan had been Sehun's comfort zone. He depended a lot on Luhan. When he was older, he found out that he had Athazagoraphobia, the fear of being forgotten.

Thanks to Luhan, he slowly got better. However he still had separation anxiety. When Luhan went to Canada for Minseok, Sehun felt like dying. Dying. It was then he discovered that he had cancer. Waiting for Luhan's return was tiring but he waited faithfully. And now, Luhan was leaving him again. Again. For Minseok.

That rotten Minseok.

Sehun could not object Luhan's idea. He just couldn't afford to see his twin suffering or even sad. If Luhan wants to leave, he can. It's his free will.

"Promise me you'll visit hyung?" Sehun stared into Luhan's hazel eyes, lighter than his chocolate brown ones, waiting intently for an answer.

Luhan pursed his lips. "Of course Sehunnie. I will visit you when I have time. I hope that would help you cope with your separation thingy."

"Separation Anxiety," Sehun corrected Luhan, fumbling with the hem of his sweatshirt.

"Yeah... separation anxiety," Luhan said distractedly as he zoned out once more. Luhan sneezed loudly.

"Get better soon, hyung. Eat some medicine for your cold before you have a fever," Sehun mumbled before climbing up the stairs to his room once he was done cleaning his dishes.

Bright light was streaming in from his open windows. Sehun scrunched his nose and let out a soft yawn. He stretched his arms out and pushed the covers off his bed. He sat idly on his bed for a few minutes, rubbing his eyes for a moment. He slipped into his comfy slippers and climbed down the stairs. He heard lots of noises as he gently walked down the last flight of step. What surprised him was huge boxes being piled up on top of one another.

Sehun saw tufts of blonde hair behind the boxes. "Hyung?" He called out.

Luhan stood up immediately and gave him a huge smile. "Good morning Sehunnie," he greeted cheerfully. Sehun returned him an honest smile. "I brought someone over today," he added on, only to smile wider when a chestnut brown haired man sauntered in.

Sehun's smile faltered when he saw his mortal enemy. Minseok.

"Oh hi there Sehun. Nice to meet you formally like this," Minseok held his hand out for a handshake which Sehun chose to ignore. Minseok cleared his throat due to the awkward atmosphere and rubbed his neck.

Luhan noticed Sehun's sudden change of mood and turned to Minseok, "Anyways, can you help me transfer those boxes? And Sehun help out too after breakfast." Before he left with his hands full of boxes together with Minseok, Luhan said in a soft voice, "I made you pancakes."

The way Luhan said it, was as if he was giving him a peace offering. He almost sounded guilty. Sehun rolled his eyes, slightly pissed that his twin thought pancakes for breakfast was enough to coax him. With a heavy heart, Sehun dragged himself over to Luhan and made himself useful.

"Hyung, I need to get ready for work," Sehun scratched his head for a moment.

Luhan nodded, bobbing his head vigorously. "Thanks for helping me Sehunnie," his eyes sparkled and enveloped Sehun into a warm hug. "Take care of yourself. And say hi to Kyungsoo and Jongin for me. I haven't seen them in ages," he chirped.

"Alright hyung."

Sehun took a refreshing bath, cleaning himself thoroughly after helping Luhan moving the heavy boxes. He slipped into a loose sweater and black jeans, wearing his worn-out sneakers. Instead of taking a bus like his usual routine, Sehun decided to walk through the park to get to the shop. It was a shortcut Sehun loved to take when he was a lot healthier. But after being diagnosed with colorectal cancer, Sehun became weaker. Even walking short distances was a huge task for him. However, that day, Sehun felt the absolute need to walk to the flower shop. Maybe it's the last day I get to enjoy the beautiful scenery of the park, Sehun thought with bitter humour.

After the first five minutes, he started to feel pain in his stomach. He pushed on thinking that it was the normal aches he had. As he was reaching the flower shop, a sharp pain was felt. He barely managed to get to his work table when he collapsed, leaving Kyungsoo and Jongin panicking. The two called the ambulance, shaky voices with a hint of hysteria and worry.

Sehun was immediately rushed into the operating theater. The doctor had to perform a surgery, removing his cancerous intestines, fearing that the worst could happen if they didn't do so. There was no time for consent from Sehun's mother, who was in too much shock to believe that her baby suffered from the last stage of colorectal cancer. She waited faithfully outside of the theater, praying fervently for a successful operation. Prayer for Sehun's safety never left her lips. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she cried silently.

"Oh Lord, save my son. Bless him with the health he desperately needs. Please let him live. Take my life instead. Let me replace my poor baby. I beg you."

Sehun found himself in a beautiful garden with the flowers he loved so much. Roses, Lilies, Gardenias, even Luhan's favourite, Rhododendron. He heard a soft cry. Someone was calling his name. He turned around quickly, only to find Luhan several meters away from him. Luhan looked ethereal in his white sweater. He was all white. Under the bright sun, Luhan's blonde hair even looked white. He looked extremely pale, like death. The only colour on his face was his red lips.

"Sehun, follow me for a walk, will you?" Luhan asked, his voice chimed like bells. He held his hand out. And Sehun accepted it without reluctance. They strolled hand in hand through the garden of never ending flowers. Sehun noted that the silence they have was very comforting. Sehun smiled sheepishly. "Sehun-ah," Luhan called gently. Sehun turned to face his twin, anticipating what he will say. "I'm glad I get to spend time with you. It was fun right?"

Sehun managed a small nod.

"I'm afraid, my Sehun-ah, that it is time for us to go on our separate ways. You can't stay here. You have to go," there was a hint of sadness in Luhan's voice.

"What do you mean?" Sehun whispers. Those words scared him.

"Tell mother that I'm sorry. Tell her I love her," Luhan continued, avoiding Sehun's question.

Sehun's chest felt constricted, as if he couldn't breathe normally. "What?" Sehun squeaked a little breathlessly.

"And Sehun, remember me in your prayers, especially in your heart," Luhan hugged him tightly and kissed his hair. As they pulled apart, Sehun saw Luhan's sad smile which broke his heart into a million pieces.

Luhan walked away slowly from Sehun.

"Hyung! No. Wait for me!" He yelled in the loudest voice he could muster.

Luhan continued walking without turning back. Sehun decided that the only way to get Luhan to return to him was to chase after him. However, as he started sprinting towards Luhan, Sehun felt as though there was an invisible force holding him back.

"Luhan hyung!" Sehun cried helplessly as he crumbled to the ground. "Hyung, don't leave me," he was hyperventilating. The separation anxiety was acting on him. He was starting to get panic attacks. Just then, Sehun felt a jolt of electricity pumped throughout his body.

"Clear," a voice announced. "One, two, three," another jolt shot through his body.

Sehun was slowly aware of the chaos around him. He heard strange beeping.

"One more time. Okay. Clear. One, two, three," the voice instructed. Sehun felt electrocuted once more. Sighs of relief washed throughout the room. Some were saying words of congratulations.

Sehun opened his eyes tiredly and was hurt by the glare of lights. Sehun realised that he was in the intensive care unit. The electrodiagram showed his steady pulse rate, which was previously a straight line.

He practically came back from the dead.

"Hey," someone called out. Sehun cranes his neck to see who it was. It was Kyungsoo with Jongin by his side. "How are you feeling?" Kyungsoo voice was shaky, as if suppressing his sadness.

"Good," Sehun answered softly. "Where's Luhan hyung?" Sehun stared at Kyungsoo's discomfort. He almost broke down in tears. Jongin was the one who replied.

"Sehun, Luhan's dead," he said in a cold voice.

"No, it can be," disbelief was written all over his face. "No. No. No!" Sehun did not want to believe Jongin's words. "Tell me you're lying."

"It's not a lie Sehun. Please, stop. You're scaring Kyungsoo," Jongin pulled Kyungsoo in for a hug as Kyungsoo cried.

Sehun didn't expect Jongin's next words to hurt him so much.

"He died the moment you were revived."

Sehun felt his world came crashing. The room was spinning. Noises were muffled. Then everything went black.

Sehun's mother came in the next day to visit him. She looked like a zombie, her eyes were sunken. She looked tired. She said nothing as she handed him a folder. Sehun studied the contents and started bawling.

Name: Luhan

Time of death: 2400

Date of death: 20 April 2013

Cause of death: fatal accident

"I'm sorry mother. It should've been me. I should be the one who died."

His mother made no attempts to reply him. That made Sehun feel guilty. The guilt was eating him up. He knew he was the reason for Luhan's death.

Sehun, I shall replace you.

It was Luhan's promise. He didn't promise to stay. Instead he took Sehun's place. He died in place of Sehun. Sehun learnt that Minseok too died in the accident. Luhan must have wanted to be with Minseok so much that he offered to replace Sehun.

After he was discharged from the hospital, a few weeks later, Sehun found his diary carefully placed in his bookshelf. He opened the diary to a recently written entry. However, it wasn't written by him. It was in Luhan's handwriting.

19 April

Sehun, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings all the time. I love you so much Sehun. You're my other half. You're my brother. I will always choose you over anyone. Including Minseok. If anything happens to you, I'd gladly take your place. Even if it means death. Sehun-ah, separation anxiety can be healed with time. Please, stop depending so much on me. You can do it Sehun. Believe in yourself. The way you look up to me, it's a burden I have carry to portray that image you have of me. I'm not as wonderful as you think I am. In fact, I look up to you sometimes. You have that quiet aura which I desperately want. Sehun, I shall make it up to you soon. Should we have dinner together sometime? Or a movie marathon? I love you baby brother. And happy advanced birthday just in case I don't get to say it. Who knows?

Luhan.

Sehun smiled bitterly as teardrops splashed on the diary. He took out his black pen from the drawers and began writing a new entry.

"I don't deserve to live anymore," Sehun's lips quivered as he eyed the pen knife on his desk.

8 May

Luhan hyung, will you wait for me?

Instead of crystal clear drops ruining the page, tiny red spots splattered on the last diary entry, staining it with a horrid red.

 

---