What do you do when your world falls apart

               When your secrets rip and tear at you heart?

               What happens when the truth becomes a lie

               When your own happiness you defy?

               What do you do when the tears don’t fall

               When silence is the only answer to your call?

               How do you cope with a pain that goes so deep

               When all you want is to lie down and sleep?

               When you don’t want to wake up to another day

              When you’re afraid of what everyone will say?

               How do you hide yourself so no one can reach you

               When the lies are no longer true?

               What do you do when you can’t bear sadness anymore

               When the lies fall useless to the floor?

                What do you do when the hurt is greater every time that you wake

               When it’s your own life that you want to take?

               What happens when you can’t hear the whispers you hear

               When it’s all collaborating with your deepest fear?

               What do you do when you don’t want the sun to rise

               When it’s just another day to bring tears to your eyes?

               What do you do when you don’t have answers to questions you ask

               When your true feelings are hidden behind a mask?

               When the tears fall freely and you don’t try to hide

               Only then do you recognize the happiness you defied.

                    -Shianne

 

 

 

   Happiness.

   Oh Sehun had never knows the meaning of happiness, let alone felt it. All of his life, he had only being Introduced to the feeling of pain, hurt and then more pain. He did not even know anymore if happiness does exist or not, but for him, it had never exist in his life. His short yet mostly painful life.

   Love.

   Does love even exist in this world? Maybe, but he thinks he would never love or be love by anyone. That means love would be another thing that would never exist in his life too. Does it feel nice to love someone? Does it feel nice to be love by someone? Those were some of the questions that kept bugging his mind, aside from how it would be like to feel happy.

   But happiness was not something that important in his life. Something that he would never reach was not something to care about. He thought that he should already be grateful that an abandoned child like him had even managed to live until this day. Yet somehow he does not really feel that grateful.

   Should he be grateful that his mother had died after giving birth to him? Should he be grateful that his father had abandoned him in front of the orphanage when he was four years old and then just disappeared like that? Should he be grateful that during the four years he had lived together with his father, the older had not even gives the slightest bit of love to him? No, he does not think he should.

   Life is more than just being happy. Life for Sehun is how to survive in this dark world. Preventing himself from associating with people and getting close to others was one of his ways. He did not need others. Even when he was living in the orphanage for half of his life, he did not even have any friend. He always stays alone by himself, not giving people any opportunity to enter his world. His cold behaviour did not make it better.

 “I don’t need the others. I only need myself in this world”, he always said to himself.

  

 

   Sehun departed from the orphanage on his seventeenth birthday, wanting to live by himself. It was not easy, but then, his life had never been easy. Being alone in the outside world with nobody to protect him but himself sure did teach him things. Surviving was even harder when he was really alone. There were times when he thought that maybe he should just stop trying to survive and that maybe he should let himself die.

   But there would always be something in himself that would asks him to push forward; don’t ever give up, try harder and especially don’t lost hope. Hope. Sehun had never hopes for anything though. But during his hardest, weakest and lowest time in the street, he had actually hoped to at least have a chance to taste some happiness before he died. He knew that it was weird, but for someone that had always faced unhappiness in his whole life, it was the only thing that he wished for during that time; to feel happy and to know how it feel to be love.

    Maybe fate finally decided to side with him, or maybe God actually still loves him, a couple of husband and wife had actually brought him to their home when they had found him unconscious somewhere near an old alley.

  

 

   It was weird, one time he thought that his time had almost getting to its end, and then the next time he found himself waking up in an unrecognizable place with strangers looking worriedly at him.

   “How are you feeling?” a middle-age lady asked him, face contorted with worry.

   It took him some moments to answer it, trying to make the pain that shoot through his body became oblivious to others. Oh Sehun was not someone that was fond of being weak in front of others, even though the only thing that he wanted at that moment was to lie down and sleep.

   “I’m f-fi-fine”, he managed to croak out. His throat felt hoarse for the lack of using it. His body was sore and felt extremely warm. He knew that his fever had not subsides yet but it was better than what he felt before he was met with darkness.

   “We found you near and alley young man. Thank god you’re alright now. My wife had been worried that she had not even been able to sleep well for you have been unconscious for three days”, the man that was sitting across the lady said, his face was also filled with worry.

   Sehun did not know what he should think about the fact that some strangers had actually aid him whom they did not even know . Should he trust them? But he had never trusted anyone before, for he had believed that trusting means letting yourself to become more vulnerable. People could hurt you easier, and the pain that they cause would be more painful.

   “What’s your name?” the lady asked. The worry on her face obviously lessened that Sehun had finally became conscious.

   “Oh Sehun”

   “Sehun-ah, where do you live? I think your parents must be worried that you’ve been missing from home”, the lady said again. Sehun did not know what was there in her voice. He thought that maybe it was concern, but why should some strangers even care about him? Her tone was different from of the people’s that managed the orphanage that he had lived before. It sounded more…… sincere.

   “I don’t have any” he muttered, but he knew they had heard him. They were engulfed with awkward silence for a few minutes before the other man in the room said something again.

   “Well then Sehun, do you want to live with us then? I’m sure it would be wonderful to have you here” he said, a soft smile playing on his lips. The same smile was also on the lady’s lips, encouraging him to agree to the offer.

   He knew that someday later he would regret this, letting other people entered his world and making himself more vulnerable, but maybe, just maybe, he just wanted to know how it feel to have someone really care about him, and maybe how it feel to have something like a family. And so a slight nod was an enough answer to the offer given by the couple.

 

 

  

   Later on he was introduced to Kim Jongin, the only son of Mr. and Mrs. Kim. He was a rather shy boy, Sehun could say, but he was a rather a nice company to be with. He has a nice and warm smile just like his parents’, one that promises that everything would be alright when you are at your weakest moment.

   Sehun was enrolled into the same high-school as Jongin , and even though he would rather preferred to be alone by himself, not into talking and all, Jongin would always be there to bug him until he would feel like burying him to the deepest pit of earth. Maybe Jongin was not really that shy after all, but Sehun would not deny that Jongin was still a rather nice company.

   Jongin had introduced Sehun to his close friends, but as weird as it is, none of their presence could make Sehun as comfortable as when he was with Jongin. Sometimes Sehun thought that it was rather dangerous that he had already became nearly attached to the people that he had just knew for barely a few months, that he should build the walls around himself back. But how could he do that when finally he could actually feel that he was being loved by someone?

   “Yah Oh Sehun, what are you thinking about?” Jongin asked while poking Sehun’s side, wearing that playful smile on his face, successfully interrupting Sehun from his thought.

   “Nothing” he replied nonchalantly, a bored expression his face.

   “Yeah right. I don’t believe your ‘nothing’. Don’t you trust me Sehun-ah?”

   Trust. Did Sehun trust Jongin? He wasn’t sure himself. Maybe he does, maybe he does not. Trust was another thing that Sehun could not defy. How would you know whether you had really trusted someone or not?

   The question was left unanswered, but Jongin did not prod him into answering it. Jongin knew what he should and should not do or talk with Sehun. He had never told him but Sehun was someone close to his heart, someone that he wants to spend his moments together with. It’s weird to him since he did not know what he actually think of Sehun, what was Sehun to him. Maybe time will tell him.

 

 

   Sehun’s question whether he trusted Jongin or not was answered when he had let Jongin saw his fragile side a few weeks after that. He had let Jongin hug him to sleep when he was overwhelmed with too much bad feelings, when his sadness of being abandoned and neglected by his own father came to him again. He was sad, sure, but somehow he was also happy. He was happy that there was someone that would help him to put himself together when he was at his weakest point, that there are people that he could actually calls as his family, that finally there are people that actually love him.

   He was not sure yet whether he could love his new family just as much as they love him, but he thought maybe he could learn it step by step, with the people that care about him, that love him by his side.

   Maybe, Oh Sehun had finally be able to taste the happiness that he had wished for before.

 

 

 

a/n finally uploading this story.

       I’m not satisfied with this but it couldn’t be help since if I didn’t finish this before tomorrow,

       then it could only be upload in December.

       Final exam starting tomorrow, so wish me luck ^.^

       Read and comment. And also thanks for all the people that had subscribed for this story!

       I’m sorry if this crap of mine didn’t even reach half of your expectations  >.<

       And all the credits for the beautiful poem at the beginning of the story goes to Shianne.