Ex-crush

By Cloe Chen

Inspired by Train featuring Ashley Monroe - Bruises

It’s 8.30am at a hotel in California now. I’m should get going now. I’ll be meeting her 9am.

It’s a nice sunny day outside. I’ve always like this kind of weather. I went out of the hotel lobby and call for a cab. The driver is a middle age man. He ask me where I wanted to go, I directed him to an open air coffee shop, where I’ll be meeting her.

As he started driving, he asks me where do I come from? California - I said smiling. Yes, I was raised here, but at some point in my life, I’ve decided to travel around. I’ve been to New York, West Valley, and now I’m living in Chicago, though I probably going to move to Texas next.  

My thought was stop when we pass by a high school out of the cab’s window.

“My daughter is studying here.” The cab driver says.

“Yeah?” I smiled. “I’ve studied here before.”  We studied here before.

That time, I’m just an ordinary teenage, thinking on how to earn more than a part time job in a fast food restaurant, learning tricks to get a girl’s attention, and just like any high school boy, I have a crush.

We’ve been in the same class for a couple months. I knew her name, I am aware of her existence, but I hadn’t really notice her, until the day of the school’s yearly marathon event. She’s not first to cross the finish line, in fact she arrive thirty minute later. But there’s something about the way she smile contently when she finishing the running, sweaty beam that flows down her face, her golden locks that waive in the air, and her pink cheeks after the sport.  She caught my attention and from that moment onwards, I know I’m going to be entrance by her. From that moment, I’m in love,

Since then, my eyeballs are following her without my permission. In the class classroom, gym time, sports field, canteen or the corridor. Before I realized, my sight are always searching for her trace. Trying my best to help her do her part in group assignment without her noticing, to fulfill every of her request, silently giving as much as I can, and to force myself to not picking up the habit of stalking her. Without me realizing it, I had already fall in love for her, hard one. So hard that I fear it might scare you away. All I can do is to quietly love you from beside.

I do not dare to hope for you to reply my feelings. Telling myself I should be content just staying beside you and making you happy every day. But somehow along the line, I’ve become greedy and thought that – maybe, just maybe, I too have the chance. The way our eyes meet, our flesh touch, your concern for me whenever I caught in a trouble – those are all yes sign, right? 

We’ve been constantly hanging out, and I’m having the illusion that you too, feel the same as me. One day, we’ve went to the park together. It’s a nice whether that day, a comfortable sunny day, like today. We’ve sat on the bench.

“Don’t you just like this kind of weather? It’s bright, comfortable and warm.” She breathes in the scent of the blended spring and summer.

“Yeah. It’s nice. Very nice.”

“There’s many couples taking a walk here, isn’t it?”  She said while turning her head to look around.

The way her hair floats in the air never cease to amaze me. I’m too entrance with her beauty to reply intelligently, and chose to opt for a simple “Yeah…” instead.

“I’m jealous. I wish I have a boyfriend who will walk the park with me in this weather.” She said while closing her eye lid, and seemly content in her imagination.

After a minute or two, I’ve finally manage to stammer out what’ve I’ve been wanted to say for some time. “I… I can help you to… to fulfill-that request, if…if you don’t mind…” I was clenching my hands on my knees, and shutting my eyes as I too afraid of what your reaction might be. Even now, I still remember how anxious I feel back awaiting for your reply.

I open my eyes as I feel you shifted. I was greet with your eyes that tell me how surprises you are.

After a few moment of silent, you’re the first among us to break the silent. 

“Thank you. You are so kind. But you’re my best friend, and sometimes you are like a protective brother. You are very nice to me. I hold you dear. But I think I would prefer to do that with someone whom I love as a lover.” You’ve said that with a smile. Your smile always makes me feel intoxicated.  But this time, it makes me feel hurt, so much.

“Okay. This big brother is going to watch and see if there’s any guy out there who have such bad taste that he actually date my sister.” I forced a fake smile. I softly pet her golden locks like a big brother would do while, thinking ‘This will be the first and last time I become so close to you.’

As expected, she tries to retort and pout showing her not-so-angry anger. We then cat fight a little.

Our conversation after that turns casual. We talk about various thing until the sun set. As if the short awkward moment does not exist. As if I never said those line that sounding almost like a confession. 

The next day, we still greet each other like always. But as time goes by, I’ve realize there’s an invisible wall that start to build within us, pushing us further apart. That’s when he comes in. You’ve been spending less and less time with me, while spending more and more time with him.

One day, I pass by the park while cycling to the grocery shop nearby my house. Ever since that day, I’ve developed a habit to look at couples that are walking hand-in-hand in the park. However, on that particular day, I caught a glance at you, together with him. Neither of you aware notice I’ve cycled by. But I saw it, the two of you walking hand-in-hand in the park, at the sunny day that you like the most.

A bit of bitterness and jealously blended with lots of blessing. ‘As long as you’re happy.’

Time passed, and we are about to graduate from high school. The news of you two going out was made public not long after I saw both of you at the park. You and he decided to further study at a local university. I chose to go university at New York. After all, I need to get used of life without you.

Instead of coming back, I got a job offer at the heart of New York. I later move again as things lead from one to another. I’ve been traveling less and less frequent back to visit my hometown. The last time I heard from you is when you first pregnant.

Yesterday, I travel from Chicago to do some business here in Chicago. After I’ve done doing the business, I take a stroll at that park. Something I would do almost every time when I came back to visit California.

*Thud* A small girl accidently bump into me.

“Aurem, be careful!”

‘Hmm? Her voice?”

“Sorry sir, my daughter can be quite to discipline sometim---” It’s her, as beautiful as always. She still have the golden hair that I miss so much of.

After being surprise encounter. We have some casual chat and promise to meet at the coffee shop nearby to catch up before I fly back to Texas.

“Here it is.” The cab driver draws my attention back from my memories.

I pay the driver and walk to the outdoor coffee shop. It was a corner shop lot, and the place where I seat faces that park. She arrives not too long after I sat.

We talk high school time and how everyone is doing right now. From how Jim manage to pursue Marina after so many years of persistency, or how Tony who used to always get bullied fight his way and become a boxing trainer, or about Selina who’s company was rumors to about to get listed. I’ve also learned that she is now mother of a daughter and a son.

About an hour later, he arrives along with both of the child. They come and greet to me before bring her along to the park. I just smile and sat there, looking at the two of them with both child walking in the park to find a suitable spot for picnic. She is with the man of her dream, along with two lovely children. They are such a happy family.

I pay for my cup of coffee, and leave with a smile of relief.