Choi Seunghyun sat on the edge of his bed. The air-con in the hotel room was blasting at its coolest temperature, and yet beads of perspiration were trickling down his back. His tall frame was swathed in 3 layers of clothes, but Seunghyun did not attempt to remove them. Instead, he reached out to his watch at the bedside table and took a look at the time.

4.19am.

Cursing to himself, he threw the watch onto the carpeted floor. This is probably the only time he could sleep in a real bed for the entire week, and yet he knew the nightmare had destroyed all hope of going back to sleep. Just minutes earlier, Seunghyun had woken up with a start, his breathing rapid and shallow. He felt tired, as if he had been sleepwalking, but Seunghyun knew that wasn't the reason why.

Same dream. Again and again. Blood, killing, his pain, his despair.

Seunghyun felt like screaming. He felt possessed, and yet, he knew he couldn't get rid of it. That possession is a double-edged sword that helps him even though it pushed him over the edge at times.

Sighing, he switched on the night lamp on his bedside. The light that illuminated the place showed an uncharacteristically clean and neat hotel room. Except for a few accessories and his luggage that was tucked away in a corner, the cleanliness of the room isn't typical of Seunghyun. Usually, his room would be messed up, as he tends to put his things wherever he feels like it. But this time, Seunghyun knew that he will be here for only a couple of hours. There is no point in messing up the room.

Or at least, that is what he thinks.

Standing up from the bed, Choi Seunghyun could feel fatigue weighing his broad shoulders down. The muscles on the back of his neck was so tight from the vivid dream, Seunghyun knew he had to be careful to not make any sudden movements in case he strained it. He tried to massage it a little, but it was simply futile. His entire body is too tensed right now.

Walking to the bathroom, Seunghyun went on to splash some cold water on his face and neck at the sink. However, as he stared at the running water, the images from his vivid dream came back. It frustrated Seunghyun that he is still unable to shake off the dream even though he is awake. A wave of anger came over him and he smacked the cold marble top of the sink with his hands, gripping its sides tightly.

Seunghyun glanced up into the mirror. The guy who had droplets of water dripping from his fringe and down his face looked exactly like him. However, the reflection staring back at him wasn't that of Choi Seunghyun's.

Rather, it was of Myung Hoon, his character in Alumni.

Seunghyun stared at Myung Hoon. His eyes were dark and full of anger and frustration.

Trapped. Helpless. Traumatized.

"Where did you go, Choi Seunghyun? Why did you allow him to possess your mind to this extent? How can you be TOP if you allow Myung Hoon to take over yourself all the time?"

I'm going crazy. Talking to my own reflection at 4am in the morning.

Seunghyun glanced side-ways. A stand-up menu containing the list of drinks available for the hotel guests was neatly placed in front the complimentary bottled mineral water. Turning off the running tap, Seunghyun grabbed the face-towel neatly stacked by the sink and dried his face while walking towards the menu. He scanned through the list and then walked over to the phone. Picking up, he saw the number to dial for food and beverages.

"Good morning, Sir. How can I be of assistance?"

Damn it. She's speaking in English...but of course she would be speaking in English. This isn't Korea.

"Errmm...I want...to order...wine. Red wine."

"Sure, Sir. And what is your choice of red wine, Sir? Will you be taking it with anything else?"

The hell is she asking..? 

"Ermmm....it's okay. Never mind."

Seunghyun hung up, his anger now directed at himself for being so incompetent with the English language. He glanced at the watch lying on the floor and bent to pick it up again.

4.27am.

Sighing, Seunghyun picked up the handset again and dialed a different number. This time, his call didn't get picked up. Frustrated, Seunghyun dialed the number again. After the 7th ring, a sleepy voice finally answered.

"Hello?" the sleepy person half-whispered, his voice cracking up.

"Sorry to disturb you, Youngbae. I need your help."

"TOP hyung?" The voice became more alert. "What is it?"

"Youngbae, can you help me order a bottle of red wine?"

There was a momentary pause from Taeyang's side.

"Hyung....why are you ordering wine at this hour, hyung?"

Because I can't sleep dammit!!

"Because...I need to relax a little, Youngbae..."

Another momentary pause.

"But hyung, if Jiyong finds out about this...."

"Then, just keep quiet. He won't find out if you don't blabber your mouth away." TOP snapped, his ire rising.

Taeyang fell silent for a couple of minutes. Seunghyun gave a huff of irritation.

"Look, if you don't want to help me, fine. Just say so, okay?!"

Seunghyun knew he is being unreasonable, but Taeyang's indecision is frustrating him beyond control.

"I will help you order the wine, hyung." Taeyang replied softly. "But because you skipped your dinner, I'll order you some sandwiches as well. Red wine on an empty stomach will make you sick....."

For a moment, TOP felt guilty for mistreating . The concern shown by Taeyang was definitely genuine, as the main singer of Bigbang has always been.

Cut these feelings of remorse from yourself, Seunghyun.

It was Myung Hoon telling him to be emotionless. Seunghyun hated how Myung Hoon kept telling him what to do these days. Now, he has gone on to even telling Seunghyun what to feel.

"Thanks, Youngbae." Seunghyun replied in a flat, unemotional voice.

Damn you, Myung Hoon.

"Sure, hyung."

Seunghyun hung up the moment he heard Taeyang say that. He did not want to hear asking if he is okay. Nor does he want to hear the concern coming from someone who doesn't understand what he is going through. To them, their hyung is TOP of Bigbang. There should not be any reason why he would change just because he is currently doing his filming as well.

Seunghyun buried his head in his hands. He was worried that he might be experiencing what he termed as the 'Heath Ledger Syndrome'. The American actor had died due to over-dosage of drugs in his hotel room, but it was later revealed through his diary that Ledger had locked himself up in his room for days, trying to get into his character of Joker. Joker eventually consumed Ledger, as character altered the Hollywood actor's perception of reality; and finally edged him out of life with the morbid insanity.

Will Myung Hoon consume me as such too? Will I be trapped in his character? But I must, don't I? I have to get deeper...I need to understand him better....

These thoughts swirled in his head, burdening his heart with worry and loathsome emotions.

~Ding dong.~

The doorbell of the front door startled him. Hurrying up, Seunghyun opened the door slightly and received the trolley from the porter after the latter helped him unscrew the cork from the bottle. Thanking him with a small tip, Seunghyun closed the door behind him and grabbed the bottle and the drinking glass that came along. For awhile, his hand hovered above the sandwiches that Taeyang had included in the order, but Seunghyun wanted to get high as quickly as possible. And drinking on an empty stomach is the only way he can run away from these troubles as soon as possible.

It took him only a couple of glasses before the calming effects of the wine finally soothes his raw nerves. Slowly, Seunghyun could feel Myung Hoon being edged out as Choi Seunghyun takes firm control of himself. Closing his eyes, Seunghyun remembered the familiarity of his own feelings.

Choi Seunghyun is a man filled with insecurities, but his depth in character and thoughts as compared with his peers are commendable. Even before he joined YG as a trainee, he had been a high school boy who was able to charm a girl 5 years older than him with his serious heart. She was the one who helped him with his weight loss in order to achieve his dream of becoming a YG trainee, but when he finally achieved it, she asked him to choose between his dream and herself. It was cruel to make him choose, but Seunghyun felt that he had been much more cruel to have chosen his dream over her. It was one of the choices in life that he knew he will always regret, and one he will never recover from.

Well, karma finally got to me....

It was only after Bigbang became popular, did Seunghyun realised the extent of the impact of that one choice. By then, pictures of him and his noona ex-girlfriend were circulating all over the Internet. Feeling both guilty & apologetic towards her who eventually became cold towards him, Seunghyun had pleaded with his fans to not harass her with their derogatory remarks. It was then that Seunghyun realised that being a celebrity does not only mean his life is no longer private, but it also meant that he can never be close to the woman he loves for fear of the public's threat on her.

But of course, the girls he had dated so far could never understand why Seunghyun always acted so cold and distant in the relationship. One had even begged him to drop the formal tone in their conversations, but Seunghyun couldn't oblige to her request.

Because eventually, I won't have the luxury of time to meet up with them often. And like they always say, 'out of sight, out of mind'...it will eventually end up in a breakup.

Seunghyun swirled the last bits of his wine once, downed it in a gulp and stared at his empty glass.

This glass is just like me, isn't it? So filled with the luxurious liquid, but when drained of all it has to give, it became just an empty container.

To Seunghyun, the wine represented the splendour that is TOP. Over the years, Seunghyun had gone to great lengths in creating the image of TOP. He was careful to portray the tall rapper of Bigbang as the classy and charismatic member of the group who never revealed too much of himself. This applies not only to his sense of dressing, but also his personality and appearances.

In Seunghyun's eyes, TOP is and should remain an enigma of a character. He is the face that Seunghyun puts forth to the world, and yet through TOP, he is able to protect what little privacy he can get.

TOP, who is perfect and yet, insecure at the same time. TOP, who is well-loved and yet, lonely at the same time. TOP, who is well-recognised and yet, a mystery at the same time.

TOP is an irony, and one that only his complex mind can fathom.

But unlike Myung Hoon, Seunghyun had no problem with TOP. He had grown into TOP, hence, wearing the character on and off is as easy as putting on his stage clothes and taking them off. For the company, TOP will be the visual product who doubles up as an actor and model alongside his role as a musician. For the members, TOP will be the affable, funny hyung who always lightens the mood during the tensed moments of work and practice. For the fans, TOP will be the charismatic rapper who's deep voice and smoldering stares will reduce them to a bunch of hysterics.

I am TOP, and TOP is me. He is the one who gets me high and addicted to the sound and energy of the screaming crowd, and when he leaves, I become empty and drained. As fragile and insecure as this breakable glass. 

Seunghyun sighed.  As usual, the wine had caused his state of mind to go deeper, his thoughts getting more complex, his feelings falling deeper into the pits. Putting aside, his empty glass, he reached out for the watch once again.

5.21am. Half an hour to get ready and meet for breakfast. So that's it, huh? Just 2 hours of sleep for this week?

Seunghyun massaged his throbbing temples.

Good luck, TOP.

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By the time TOP reaches the maknae's room, all the other members were already gathered and having their breakfast. Upon seeing their hyung, the previously noisy room suddenly became quiet.

TOP raised his eyebrows in surprise as he sat down. "What's wrong with you guys? Are you guys talking behind my back? Is that why everyone suddenly shuts up?" he asked with a smile.

When neither of the other hyungs replied, Daesung quickly spoke up to ease the weird atmosphere.

"Aish, hyung...what are you saying...." he quipped, adding in a small chuckle for his usual mood-maker effect. "We were just talking about how the sun here burns us so much during our swim yesterday..."

TOP's smile disappeared.

"You guys went for a swim yesterday?"

"Yeah! We went for a swimming with some of the dancer hyungs and noonas." Daesung continued his cheerful attempt as he scooped his rice into his mouth.

"How come I didn't know about this?"

Daesung looked up from his plate. It was only then did he realise TOP's unsmiling face. Flustered by TOP's unexpected attack, Daesung looked at his other members for help, but nobody else was looking up. Even Taeyang, who is the peacemaker of the group, seemed very pre-occupied by the 3 grains of rice left in his bowl.

It finally dawned on Daesung that he had made quite an error in judgement, and now he is completely on his own. Desperate for help, he kicked Seungri's leg under the table. The maknae winced at the pain, but refused to look up. Daesung kicked him again. This time, Seungri looked up reluctantly.

"...Aish, TOP hyung...you're not the only one who didn't go for the pool party...I didn't go either..." the chirpiness in the maknae's voice sounded a tad too cheerful as he tried to console his eldest hyung.

TOP's sharp stare zero-ed in on the maknae immediately.

"Pool party? You knew about it too, maknae?"

Seungri shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Well...but I didn't go because..." he countered weakly, trying to avoid the answering the question directly.

"But you knew about it." TOP cut him off sharply.

"AISH! Hyung! It was a pool party. It's not as if you'd start undressing straightaway and jump into the pool with us even if we asked. You didn't even come out of your room for dinner, for goodness sake!"

TOP looked at GD who came to the 2 maknaes' defense. The leader was clearly looking pissed at the sudden tension that TOP's questions had caused.

"And since we are all in this uncomfortable mood, thanks to you, can you tell me why you were drinking at 4am in the morning?"

"Jiyong! I told you not to bring this up!" Taeyang told off his bestfriend, but GD ignored him. To GD, it was his responsibility as the leader to take care of , even if it means scolding the elder hyung.

"And not only that," GD continued his reprimand "You even told Youngbae to keep it from me??"

At this, Taeyang glanced at TOP before returning his guilty gaze to his grains of rice as he tried to avoid TOP's deadly glare.

TOP shifted his glare to GD, who's own glare is just as intimidating. An unseen battle of egos happened over the table at that time; one that is so tensed, the other 3 members thought they could choke from the suffocating atmosphere.

When TOP finally looked away, he noticed the steaming bowl of rice in front of him. He was reminded of his rumbling stomach earlier and how he had been looking forward to the warm comforting feeling of freshly-cooked rice settling in, especially since he had not eaten ever since yesterday's lunch. But now that the atmosphere had soured, TOP no longer has the appetite to eat.

"I'll see you guys at the venue later," the tall rapper said in a low whisper as he stood up to leave the table.

"Hyung...." Daesung called after him, but TOP kept walking without turning back.

There is no reason for me to turn back....

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The moment Seunghyun closed the door behind him, he strode straight to the small fridge and took out the bottle of red wine. For a moment, he was tempted to drink straight from the bottle, but he stopped himself.

Setting the bottle down, he went to fetch the glass that he had washed and left to dry on the pantry sink. As he did so, Seunghyun caught sight of his reflection once again. But it showed something different.

An angry TOP. A lonely Myung Hoon. A confused Seunghyun.

Breaking away from his own glare in the reflection, Seunghyun reached out for the glass and walked to the plushy sofa across his bed, grabbing the bottle along. He poured a full glass, not caring if he will really get drunk this time around.

TOP is angry. He's angry at the members for not including him in their activities. But one who is more angry than TOP right now is Seunghyun. He is angry at TOP.

For not being TOP. For letting Myung Hoon take over.

Seunghyun sighed. There is no doubt that if he doesn't control himself better, it will be a matter of time before his identity is mixed.

As if it hadn't already get mixed up....

Seunghyun stared at the full glass in his hand. It looked so brilliant, with its sparkling red wine.

This was not how I was supposed to act just now. Why the hell did I....damn it, Myung Hoon.

Seunghyun set down the glass without taking a sip and leaned back into the sofa. He felt confused by his own actions. TOP would have never gotten so sensitive like that.

Jiyong is right. Even if they had asked me, I wouldn't have gone to the pool party. The hell was I thinking....?

As he closed his eyes, Seunghyun saw the darkness within him. It resonated with Myung Hoon's dark self that was the complete opposite of the glitter and splendour of TOP. For once, Seunghyun wondered if the darkness he was feeling these days had truly been a product of him trying to get deeper into Myung Hoon's character, or if it had simply been a liberation of his true self. In a way, when he cut himself off from the world to showcase Myung Hoon's dark world, it had also allowed him an excuse to explore his own dark emotions that he had always kept hidden as TOP. The only hints that those dark emotions even existed was when one scrutinizes his raps and lyrics.

But there was no helping it. As TOP the rapper, Seunghyun often had to sit down alone and bring out his feelings in terms of flow and rhythm. His scarred experiences, his lonely and insecure emotions, his unstable but profoundly deep and complex way of thinking...all these will become the tools of his trade, crafted into imageries that are beautiful and painful at the same time.

TOP's words, they are like thorned roses.

Seunghyun sighed. He longed for a space where he is neither TOP nor Myung Hoon. He needed to feel free from these characters burdening him right now. But plain Seunghyun doesn't really exist in any place.

...except for one...

Seunghyun contemplated long and hard. Finally, he made up his mind and dialed a number on his mobile.

There was a few weird noises, before the call finally connected. After a few more rings, the person on the other line finally picked up.

"Omma?"

"Oh Seunghyun ah...what is wrong? Shouldn't you be at the concert rehearsal by now?"

Seunghyun smiled. Sometimes he wonders if his manager has two bosses. Yang Hyunsuk hyung being one, his mom being the other.

"Later, omma....omma, are you busy right now?"

"Oh...? Well, me and your dad are going out for a jog soon, but he's been stuck in the toilet for the past 10 mins now. You know how your dad is...."

"Oh...so that means you have time to spare to talk to me, omma?"

"What the hell are you saying, you idiotic boy? Are you expecting me to put down the phone and leave with that old man, when my beloved son is finally calling home after 3 months?"

Seunghyun laughed. His mom is a tough lady who showed her love for her children in similar manner. Almost instantly, Seunghyun felt himself going back to the fat 10 year old kid again.

The kid who is plain old Seunghyun....

"Omma, do you miss me?" he asked in teasing tone.

"My son, are you drunk this early in the morning? I haven't seen you for months and you are asking if I miss you in an aegyo manner?"

Seunghyun grinned to himself. It was typical of his mom to answer his questions with her own questions. Seunghyun wondered if this was why he eventually grew up to be a person who always questions himself introspectively.

"Omma...I'm thinking....since I will be spending my birthday in New York, how about I fly you over there as well?"

Seunghyun could literally hear his mom smiling over the other side of the line. But of course, she wouldn't show it.

"Aigoo....what am I going to do with you, my son? You barely have enough time to rest with your hectic schedule, having me there isn't gonna help..."

Seunghyun pouted, his childish nature coming out. "But I miss you...don't you want to spend your son's birthday, whom you gave birth to with great difficu..."

"Alright alright!" his mom interjected, giving in to her only son's wish. "Get your manager to call me and we'll discuss this later."

Seunghyun grinned. He loves how he's mom did not even think about asking if he had the company's permission, instead she simply acted like Hyunsuk hyung himself.

"Thank you, omma. I love you...."

There was a momentary silence, before his mother spoke up.

"Seunghyun ah...I know you are having a very hard time juggling your two commitments right now...but I hope you'll manage to go through this with your best efforts...take care of your Bigbang brothers, especially Jiyong....he may be the leader, but you are the eldest. Respect his decisions and help him take care of the other members too."

Seunghyun was dumbfounded. He was sure he didn't as much hint about his troubles to his mom, but to have her mention all these like she already knew...

"Omma, is manager hyung reporting to you every minute now?"

"Aish what the hell were you thinking? You are my son, no? Even without that manager hyung of yours, I would know how you are feeling. It's called a mother's instincts. You may not notice this, but about the only times you would tell me you love me so openly like this is when you are troubled and have nowehere else to go to. "

Seunghyun was struck by his mother's words. Even though he hadn't seen her for awhile, she is still the one and only person who knew him this well. He wanted to say something witty to deny her spot-on guesses, but he couldn't.

"Ah! Seunghyun yah, I gotta go now. Your dad is finally out of the toilet...and he says to tell you to work hard and come back home soon."

"Umm." was all that Seunghyun could manage. He was trying hard not to tear up at his mom's words.

"Bye, my son. I love you."

The phone hung up before Seunghyun could answer. As he whispered into the handset at nobody in particular, a single drop of tear spilling down his left cheek.

"I love you too, omma. Thanks for treating me like Seunghyun, even though he no longer exists....I miss you...."

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Seunghyun stared at the ceiling of his room. He had been doing this for the past half an hour now, but he still couldn't go back to sleep. Finally giving up, he sat up and propped himself up with a couple more pillows. Reaching towards his mobile, Seunghyun scrolled through his messages once again. He counted the number of messages from friends asking him out ever since they knew that he is finally done with both the ALIVE tour and his Alumni filming.

57 invitations received. 57 invitations rejected.

Seunghyun threw his phone aside and stared up at the ceiling again. He thought about accepting one of the 57 invitations he rejected, but something held him back.

Myung Hoon.

Seunghyun closed his eyes and turned his thoughts inwards. Somewhere in the deep recesses of his dark heart, he could still feel Myung Hoon melded into his being. Even though it had been 4 months since filming ended, Myung Hoon's loneliness still envelops him, his pain and darkness pulling Seunghyun into an abyss of depression and fatigue.

Constantly hounded by nightmares that were related to Myung Hoon, Seunghyun would often find himself waking up several times at night with the emotions of the assassin's turmoil tearing him apart. In fact, he could no longer count the number of times he would end up with a bottle in his hand as he sat on the edge of his bed; either crying or just staring into space after a particularly bad nightmare.

And when he wakes up in the morning, Seunghyun would feel listless and fatigued due to the disrupted sleep. His mom would often look at him with worried eyes, but she never said anything. Even though it hurts to see her son locking himself up in the room with bottles of drinks, she knew that he was fighting a demon that only he can defeat.

But it's not working. I can't even bear to step out of the room, let alone step out of the house.

Seunghyun opened his eyes and got out of his bed. Walking over to the standing mirror placed in the corner of his lavishly-decorated room, he took a look at the reflection in the mirror.

His face was gaunt, his frame looking thinner than before. Seunghyun smirked to himself. Remembering how he had struggled to lose weight before entering the company as a trainee, the ease of how he lost weight nowdays would have made the younger him jealous.

Seunghyun stepped closer to the mirror. His reflection no longer showed Myung Hoon nor TOP, but a troubled Seunghyun who is struggling to get past his own darkness brought forth by Myung Hoon.

The darkness is beginning to change me.

Perhaps it was the fear of being into the never-ending pit of depression that prompted Seunghyun to pick up the phone again. He knew that he cannot allow himself to dwell in the darkness any longer. He knew he needed help.

Scrolling through the numbers in his address list, Seunghyun picked out a number and texted the friend.

He spent some time typing it out, his careful nature prompting him to re-write the text several times. When he was finally done, Seunghyun felt a little of the burdensome feeling lifted off his shoulder. He looked into the mirror again and attempted at a crack of a smile to himself.

Seeing how it lightened up his entire face, it occured to Seunghyun that it was his first smile in months.

At least I'm finally taking the step to move forward....to smile again.

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"So what is this text message about you going crazy all about? Isn't it enough that you are both awkward and weird?"

Seunghyun glared at the tall model who was grinning at him cheekily.

"Yah! You have a death wish, Lee Hyuk Soo?"

The other guy grimaced. "Can you stop calling me by my real name, hyung?"

"Then stop calling me weird. You and the other guys are so much more weird, I am actually normal compared to you guys, do you know that?"

Soo Hyuk laughed. He loved teasing his friend. Although Seunghyun is older by a year, but the friendship between the two of them allows Soo Hyuk to get away with almost anything when it comes to his hyung.

Taking a sip of his Chardonnay, Soo Hyuk decided to be a little more serious this time around; especially since his friend had been looking a little off the entire evening.

"Ok, so on a serious note, what's wrong with you? I heard from Jiyong and the other crew members that you had been holed up in your room for months now. You refused to meet up with any of us, so I don't know if I should be honoured that I am the first among the Nuthang crew to meet the famous TOP after his caveman period. What the hell were you doing, hyung? I know the furniture in your bedroom are pretty impressive, but I don't think you can stare at your crooked chair for over 3 months right?"

"4 months." Seunghyun corrected him absent-mindedly.

Soo Hyuk rolled his eyes. "You know that is not the point, hyung. Now out with it. Take off the TOP lid and spill."

Seunghyun rolled his eyes at the pun. Unlike his cold, emotionless image, Soo Hyuk is alarmingly witty and funny when he is among his friends. It was unimaginable to those who doesn't know him well enough, and shocking to those who eventually do.

"You know...I called you up because you are the only other actor among us and I thought I could use some advice. But it seems all I'm getting are intended puns and cheeky comments."

"Woah! I'm touched, bro...I am pretty sure I'm not the one who won the Best New Actor award, but I guess I can part a piece of wisdom or two...it'll still be in Soo Hyuk's style though."

Seunghyun let Soo Hyuk's little jab at his achievement slide and took another sip of his drink.

"You know how actors usually immerse themselves in their characters? I think I immersed too deeply in mine and now I just can't get out. Like, he's always there, always invading my thoughts, controlling my emotions. His conflicting identities is messing up mine as well. He's taking over me. He's taking over TOP. And you know how TOP is the center of my existence. If Myung Hoon wipes out TOP, I won't exist anymore."

Soo Hyuk raises his eyebrows in surprise. "Woah! Woah!...you talking about something like the Heath..."

"...Ledger Syndrome. Yeah." Seunghyun interjected.

Soo Hyuk pouted. "I thought I came up with the title of that syndrome."

"Well, you thought late."

Soo Hyuk fell silent as he pondered on Seunghyun's issue.

"Personally, I haven't encountered that before, which probably explains why I have yet to win the Best New Actor award, but I've heard some of the senior actors talk about it. Apparently, it's a common thing for actors who plays emotionally complex characters to be into their character's world. I mean, in order to play the character convincingly, you will have to be the character themselves. And for these characters, in order to showcase their complex personalities, the actor will have to spend more time immersing himself into the character. But it'll come with consequences as well."

"The Heath Ledger syndrome."

Soo Hyuk nodded.

"Yeah. The thing you are experiencing right now. You went too deep and did not put up your own defense mechanism. One may not always notice this, but the mind is a very frail thing. That is why people working with mentally ill patients have to ensure that their own mental defence is strong. Coz if they aren't, they'll end up being like the patients themselves. Jang Hyuk sunbaenim told me it took him a couple of months to get out of his role in The Client, and I don't think it was even half as dark as Myung Hoon's character."

"Did he say how he got over it?" Seunghyun asked, eager to find a solution to his problem.

Soo Hyuk simply shrugged his shoulder.

"No. But I can guess what you should do. Get out of the house. Meet people. Socialise. Go back to your old lifestyle. Find the familiar patterns.  Distract yourself. Perhaps you can even fall in love, hyung. Coz, you know, loving a woman can make you so distracted. I bet this Myung Hoon character will be gone before you even know it when you fall in love. Hell, even TOP might be gone coz you know you are just gonna be Choi Seunghyun, the sensitive slave of his girfriend." Soo Hyuk suggested flippantly.

Seunghyun simply smiled, ignoring his friend's tongue-in-cheek comment. "Falling in love sounds like a very good idea. It's about time I find a woman anyway."

Soo Hyuk scoffed at his hyung's words. "Yeah, right. You'll love her deeply, and then decide to play the tragic hero by letting her go for her own good after that."

Seunghyun's grin widened. "Awww...Hyuk Soo...you knew me too well...But I deserve to have a girlfriend, don't I? After all, I've spent over a year working hard with a concurrent schedule of movie filming and world tour, sleeping with nobody else but Mario. It's lonely tough work, friend..."

The younger guy shook his head. "I honestly don't know how you did that, hyung. Hearing your schedule from Jiyong, I wonder how you even have the energy to go up onto the stage on weekends after filming without sleep from Monday to Thursdays."

"It's not as if I didn't sleep at all...I do. Just that I'll take short naps in between breaks at times and during the long flights. Otherwise, Seungri will find himself seriously challenged in the dark circle department. But you are right. The schedule was tough, although tough is pretty much an understatement. For 4 days, I would be seeing blood and doing so much killing, and then the moment the director says it's a wrap-up for the week, my manager hyung would drag me straight to Incheon for my next international flight. Within the space of 24 hours, I am expected to change from being Myung Hoon to being TOP. Can you imagine how messy my sense of self was by the time everything ended? Not only have I lost my sense of time and placement, I lost my sense of identity as well."

"But you eventually did well anyway....as TOP. When you are on stage, Myung Hoon didn't stand a chance at all, didn't he?"

The tall rapper fell silent. He didn't realise this before, but Soo Hyuk was right.

There had been many other instances, but Seunghyun recalled the Singapore stage during their Alive tour in particular. It was the first stage that he had to perform in a cast right after his surgery, and he could remember being very nervous about his performance. With his limited range of movement, Seunghyun had wondered if the VIPs would forgive him for his lack of dance moves. Even worse, Seunghyun could feel Myung Hoon's identity crisis still dominating him, making him doubt of his own abilities.

Right until the last moments, Seunghyun was worried that he might not be able to show a strong performance as TOP in front of the sell-out crowd.

However, the moment the curtain dropped, Seunghyun felt his doubt disappear. Always the one to receive the loudest cheers out of the 5 members of Bigbang, Seunghyun remembered how TOP came to life on stage with amazing ease. Seeing the VIPs' faces light up with excitement upon seeing him gave him an adrenaline rush, wiping out all traces of his fatigue from the hectic schedule almost immediately. With the energy he received from his fans, Seunghyun stood tall and proud as TOP; singing and rapping with the y charisma that no other rappers had managed to emulate so far. He even went as far as taking out his hand sling in order to perform the dance moves better, despite the objections and concern coming from s and the staff.

Thinking back, Choi Seunghyun, who had always felt sorry to others for his own incompetence, had pushed at his limit as TOP; doing what he does best for the sake of his beloved VIPs.

"You are right, Soo Hyuk. When TOP does what he does best, Myung Hoon doesn't stand a chance at all."

Soo Hyuk nodded in agreement. "But is TOP doing what he does best right now?"

Seunghyun fell silent again as Soo Hyuk's words hit him. Hard.

Seunghyun suddenly realised that as an artist, he had disappointed his fans. While the rest of Bigbang had seen the break after the world tour as an opportunity to come up with their solo works, Seunghyun had wasted his time locking himself up in his room. That amount of time he had spent succumbing into the Myung Hoon's dark emotions could have been better spent in the studio, working on a solo album.

It's about time I stop being pathetic and at least repay the fans for their undying dedication.

"Soo Hyuk, I think you should just stop hanging around Jiyong. You are starting to get so intuitive and clever, it hurts my pride to admit that, do you know that?"

Soo Hyuk grinned at his hyung's sullen confession of admiration. "Come on, hyung. Praising me once in awhile isn't gonna kill you, right? At least I'm not like Kwon 'I'm-so-perfect-my-word-is-the-rule' Jiyong-ssi...."

TOP laughed at the comment. It was an inside joke among the Nuthang crew, and one that they will always tease Jiyong with.

"Too bad, Jiyong isn't around. I miss him."

"Hyung! You guys are in the same group, for goodness sake! Just pick up the phone and call him."

"Nah...I'm meeting him soon. Bigbang is coming back together for his final concert."

Soo Hyuk grinned as he raised his glass. "Come hyung, let me toast to the rebirth of Seunghyun from the womb of his dark, but lavishly-decorated cave. What shall we name this new form of Seunghyun, hyung?"

Seunghyun laughed as he raised his own glass as well.

"The name is TOP, Soo Hyuk. It has always been, and will always be TOP."

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As the members sat around the table to celebrate the final stage of G-Dragon's solo tour which all 5 members had participated in, TOP finds himself grilling the meat as the maknae watches on.

"Yah!" he jabs the tongs in Seungri's direction. "Can't you be a better maknae and at least grill for your leader? He is finally done with his world tour, and yet you aren't doing anything."

"But hyung..!!" Seungri whined. "Aren't you the one who insisted that we sit down together as a group to have a meal? As the organiser, shouldn't you be the one doing the grilling? Anyway, this whole maknae business is bull. I'm already a man for goodness sake!"

"And yet you are the youngest among the men gathered here, so you do the grilling." TOP the grilling tongs in front of their youngest member. With a reluctant pout, Seungri picked up the tongs and flipped the grilling pieces of meat.

Jiyong laughed at the petty squabble between the Bigbang's eldest and youngest member. Looking at TOP, he grinned.

"So why the sudden wish to eat together, hyung?" the leader asked the tall rapper.

TOP felt himself blushing. "I missed eating with you guys." he confessed.

Looking up shyly, TOP saw the grinning faces of s.

"Ouuuuhhhh!! Look how adorkable his blush is!! Look look look! Our Bingu TOP is finally back!!" Daesung exclaimed as he pokes his hyung on the forearm.

"Yah!! Quit poking, you idiot! What the hell do you mean by I am finally back? I never went away, you ."

Daesung continued grinning, used to the tough name-calling show of love from the eldest hyung. "Don't you know we miss you too, hyung? You were so scary the whole time, we had a hard time going out of the way in avoiding you so as to avoid any conflicts."

TOP blinked. "You guys were avoiding me?"

Daesung's face froze. Somehow, the scene that was unfolding seemed like a replay of their little fight over the pool party issue. And once again, it was him who had to open his big mouth. "Well....you were being scary, hyung..."

TOP blinked again. "So you guys weren't simply being understanding when you left me alone? Coz I got the impression that you guys were finally being more understanding that I needed to rest and recharge and all..."

The other Bigbang members looked at one another, suddenly torn by the guilt that was showing up pretty clearly in their faces.

"Hyung," Taeyang finally spoke up. "I apologise on the members behalf, but Daesung was right. We had to go out of our way in avoiding you because you were so sharp and sensitive over even the smallest things.

TOP was stunned upon hearing Taeyang's confession. "Had I been that sensitive? Really?"

Taeyang nodded.

"If you remembered, you walked out on us after your sudden outburst over the pool party issue. I mean, seriously hyung, your manager told us you were having a phone conference with the director, so we didn't wanna disturb you. Anyway, after you left, Jiyong called the three of us to his room and made us promise to not disturb you and to back down whenever you get worked up over something. He told us that none of the members understands what you are going through, but we should at least do our bit in helping you get through it. But you know how each of us has quite an ego. So rather than back down, we find that it is easier if we just avoid you as much as we can."

TOP cringed at the reminder of his PMS moment. "I'm sorry guys. I never really did apologise for that outburst, so if it's still not too late, I would like to apologise for that, however belated it may be. Truth is, I truly was having a hard time changing back and forth between being TOP and Myung Hoon, my character in Alumni. Because he is such a complex and dark character, I had to distance myself from everyone in order to get deeper into him. But it somehow got to the point that I was so immersed in my character, that he began to appear even in my normal daily life. It was crazy, trying to handle him and keeping my identity at the same time, both of which eventually drained me. Pile that up to my crazy schedule and equally insane fatigue, I guess I may have come across as being over-sensitive without even realising it. I'm sorry guys."

"It's okay, hyung. We tried our best to accommodate. I only hoped that you hadn't felt too lonely when we did leave you alone." Jiyong spoke up, his tone apologetic as well.

"It's okay, Jiyong. Ultimately, the loneliness is a necessity. I had to learn to be Myung Hoon by distancing myself from you guys anyway. But I truly appreciate it that you tried to accommodate even though you didn't quite understand what I'm going through."

"Wow hyung...hearing this really made me realise how you serious you are about being an actor, hyung." Seungri said, feeling amazed at the efforts put in by his hyung. "Hyung, we're going to go see just how great that movie is."

TOP smiled.

"I'll be expecting you, maknae. I'll be expecting you. But even more than you, I'll be expecting Daesung."

"Me? But why me?" Daesung asked, surprised.

"Because the last time your hyung died, you didn't even shed a tear, you disrespectful brat. Now make sure you cry this time around or I'll steal every single face pack and cash from you."

"Hyuuuuunnnnggg!!!"

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Seunghyun took one last glance in the full-length mirror in his hotel room.

The man in the mirror looks suave and handsome, his confidence and charisma oozing from his very being. Standing in front of the mirror, Seunghyun recognised how his efforts to get back into the character of TOP had paid off. It felt familiar, comfortable even.

Like wearing an old pair of jeans...

As he turned to walk out to the waiting car that will take him to the Busan International Film Festival, Seunghyun smiled to himself.

I am the man of many faces. I am Seunghyun. I am TOP. 

And now welcome me, world; for I am Choi Seunghyun, the actor.

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Walking into the filming set, he realised that the person interviewing him today would be a lady. Upon seeing the rolling camera, he immediately broke into his trademark Bingu dance; trying to ease the tension in the atmosphere of the set, as well as to calm his own nerves. He did well and it solicited an appreciative laughter from the interviewer.

After the introductions, him and the lady finally got down into the interview proper.

L’officiel Hommes: So we’re interviewing you as an actor not a singer today. I heard that the film company prepared the movie having you as the main character in their minds.

Choi Seung Hyun: Yes, thankfully.....

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{A/N: I was so enthralled by TOP's interview with the magazines, and the concept of his shaken identities intrigued my so much, that I just knew I had to write a fic on it...even if it's just a one-shot. And so I spent a little over a week, typing this out, even sleeping at 5am as I try to complete this 2 nights ago. Pls note that this had entirely been a work of fiction, although they are based on reality. I tried my best to portray TOP's darkness using my own imagination, but it was hard coz I kept seeing Bingu TOP dancing in my head. Pls upvote or leave a comment if you like my story! Authors are always in need of motivation cookies, so I'll appreciate it very much if you can leave me some... (^.^,)v }