It’s a cold winter afternoon night, the 6^th of November,2018.  Outside was pouring snow, the sky was grey in a few minutes the street lights will lighten.  I was sitting alone in my small apartament in Seoul. Drinking a cup of hot green tea and starring at the TV screen.  I was waiting for a show that EXO were supposed to apper on. Looking at the clock multiple times but the show didn’t start. It made me really confused , I really wanted to see the show since it was Kris’s birthday. Then after 10 more minnutes of waiting I realized that I was watching the wrong channel, how could I be so stupid? I with lightning moves took the controller and searched for the correct channel, the show has already started and when I manged to find it EXO was talking about their new album. 

The camera was showing close up’s of the members that were talking, but every time it was showing the whole group, I always glued my eyes on Kris. He looked a bit gloomy,tired, weak and pressured. I wondered why? It’s probably because he has to work on his birthday. Sometimes on shows he would look like this. Like he wanted to say something but he just couldn’t. It breaks my heart to see him like this. I just want to give him a looooooooooooong and comforting hug. Listen to anything that he wants and needs to say. Talk about anything that he wants, tell him how precious and beautiful he was. But, this  is never going to happen. I’m just a fan,while he’s a super star.

I remember years ago when I first found out about EXO. On 21th December,2011. I saw the teaser of ‘My Lady’ which featured Jongin,the main dancer. I remember being so exited for their debut song. When I watched the showcase,my breath would froze everytime Kris spoke or there was a close up of him. I didn’t understand why, his  handsomeness was so unreal for me. I have never seen a person like him before. He looked like an real life manga character,or as if he was photoshopped. At first I thought that he’d be mean and an douchebag because of his cold and face looks. But I still liked him because he was so y and handsome. After a while, when I became exotic and I started watching more and more interviews, I realized that he’s one of the sweetest people out there in the world. His gummy smile is seriously the most adorable thing that I’ve ever seen.  The days passed,and with each day I would  like him more and more.  Months come and go too and soon I realized that I was inlove with him. I would think of him everyday, he would be my first thought in the morning and my last one before I fall asleep. I started to find connection from something totally different that would always lead to…him.  He was always on my mind and I could hardly concentrate. I will  be sitting on my desk writing a test,yet all that was happening in my mind were imaginations of what he is probably doing at that moment. I have been inlove with him for 8^th years. But it’s okay , I would always say to myself that it’s okay because just looking at him on the screen would bring peace to my mind. Back then in the period of 2011-2013 I had really hard time,depression,stress lots of saddness. I have thought of suicide so many times, but everytime I would give up with the thought that I had to see them(EXO) at least one time,for at least 60 seconds, before I die.

Suddently I was pulled away from my negative thoughts when I saw Kris standing infront of the big cake. He looked so handsome with his blonde hair pulled up. He was smiling so brightly at the view of the cake made in his honor. I wish I was there to see his smile for real.  I wish I could give him a hug and tell him how much he means to me, I wish to be able to congratualate his 28^th birthday. I have so much to say to him but,…I will never manage to. I looked over at the end of the table where an notebook was staying.  The cover was in brown color and it has many little red flowers with green leafs. Around the sides there were golden lines which form different kind of designs,leafs,circles, crosses,dots and etc.  There was written a quote on the cover,which pretty much expained my feelings for him.  ‘My whole life seemed to start and end with you.’ I’ve always thought that this is the perfect notebook,I wanted to write all of the pages inside with a message for him. I had written inside  how much I love him,and how much I wish to tell him that he’s my guardian. The notebook holds all of my emotions for him, but I never managed to give it to him. 

I giggled at his cuteness while he was blowing the candless.  Happy Birthday Wufan, I wish you all the happiness in this world, because you deserve every little drop of happiness, at least in my opinion. Then after a while I was pulled out of my thoughts by the sound of the door bell. I looked at the clock and happily jumped out of the couch to go open the door. When I opened the door I received a warm and tight hug from my girlfriend, her name is Vladimira. I love her a lot , and she also loves me a lot. Even though we aruge a lot, we always get back together 5 minutes later. She just came back from the bakery, since it’s really cold outside and I can’t stand coldness and I get sick really easily, she decided to go take the cake that we had ordered for Kris’s birthday.  We decided that the cake will have ying&yang shape and it will be half chocolate , half vanilla. She put the cake on the table and sat on the couch, I also sat next to her and I couldn’t wait to try the glorious cake. When she cuted two pieces of it she placed them in two small plates and gave me my plate. I’m kinda annoying sometimes, so I decided to go closer to her and snuggle all ‘innocently’ so she can hug me.  After a few minutes of eating she realized what I was aiming for, she laughed called me a ‘ cutie’ and then hugged me.  While resting in her arms and eating cake, also giving her some, my eyes were glued on Kris again. I was smiling sweetly at the view of him. 

‘Even though now I have another person to love, you will still stay in my heart Wu Yifan. Happy birthday, I wish you all the happiness in this world, even if I’m not a part of your happiness,you deserve it.’ I said to myself  and smiled brightly at him.