I don't think you remember this, Soojung, but there was that Summer afternoon I invited you to play catch in my yard. That afternoon we spent all our change on some snacks and fizzy drinks. That was the afternoon it all started, I think. You had your hair in a ponytail because the weather was hotter than most days. You asked if you could borrow my baseball cap, and I whined a 'no' as I held the cap down on my head so you couldn't grab it. You didn't try, though. You simply went quiet, and I didn't do anything about it so we rested on the ground until we both got bored of plucking at the grass and decided to head back home. 

I called you on your house phone shortly after and naturally, you picked up because I heard most of the phone calls your family got was from me, asking for you. We spoke about things we always spoke about. The changing seasons, the songs we heard on the radio, the strange man that lived two houses away… I told you about the funny song I heard about a duck and lemonade, I told you about my teacher giving me detention and I told you about what my father said about people losing jobs. But I didn't get to tell you that the reason I didn't want you wearing my cap was because I liked seeing the loose strands of hair cling on to your forehead and hang by the side of your face. It didn't seem to matter then, but now I keep thinking I should have said it.

Then there was one morning in the fall that followed, where I asked you if you wanted to accompany me to the comic rental shop near our school. The owner of the store always left a can of cat food outside, and I thought you'd like to go play with the stray cats. But I didn't tell you that, and you said no, because you didn't like comics much. I was disappointed, but I didn't let it show. I simply said it was ok, and that I'll ask one of the guys I hung out with at school instead. But it didn't happen. I decided not to go because I actually didn't want to rent any comics anyway. I think you knew because you came over and knock on my door an hour later to ask me for help with the 1500 piece puzzle you were working on. You wouldn't have done so if you thought I was at the comic shop. So how did you know?

To save my pride, I said no. You mouthed a quiet 'ok' and went back to your house leaving me wondering the entire day how things would have played out if I simply agreed. We probably would have been sprawled across your marble floor, talking about all the things we talked about as we searched through a pile of uninteresting weirdly shaped pieces of an uninteresting picture. I knew I had made another mistake, but I also wished you weren't so difficult all the time. 

When the weather started getting colder, people started talking about the night of the first snowfall. That included you. We were on the phone, and you mentioned it out of nowhere like you always do about everything. I asked you why is was such a big deal since it was snow all the same, and you probably don't remember what you said after that but I do. 

"People need something to be happy about, Hyunwoo."

I frowned at your cold, unfeeling words. They stayed in my mind for a long time after. I wondered if you were talking about yourself, because you were one of the most pessimistic people I'd ever met, and it wouldn't be a surprise if you had no idea about the real significance of first snow. So I asked you out on a camping trip on the predicted night of the first snowfall in Seoul. You grumbled about how ridiculous it was but didn't exactly reject. So we headed out as soon as the sun set. You carried your schoolbag on your shoulders like a kid going on a field trip to the zoo in Summer. I reminded you of how cold it was, and how difficult it was going to be to stay warm with the amount of clothes your pathetic backpack carried. But you insisted you'd be fine, and pridefully told me to worry for myself. I sighed, praising myself inside for having predicted your carelessness. That night we sat by the fire outside our tent with you wrapped under two of my coats and the muffler my grandmother got me the day before. We watched the first snowfall from the camping grounds, your hand in mine. 

We spoke a lot, I remember. But what about, I have no clue. All that I recall of that night was how your fingers hovered awkwardly over the back of my palm, not letting them rest comfortably against my skin even as I held on to you like my life depended on it. That, and me telling you that the reason why people anticipated the first snow was because they believed it brought lovers together, and lovers who watched in together stayed together forever. You scoffed like it was the stupidest thing you'd ever heard. So I watched my words dissolve and escape in a cloud of mist, disappearing into Winter.

I didn't manage to get them back for a long, long time.