People usually say that life is about waiting and fighting. And that in this race, the award isn’t really important. That the winner is this person, who during her way can discover that the most important is what you can learn during running. What you can discover about yourself. What you can change in yourself. And in the end, even when you won’t get the prize, you would be happy to just be a runner.

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

But still selfishly I can’t tell you the truth. I can’t tell you about my heart and soul. I just can’t…

People say that I’m crazy. Maybe I’m more than that. Or maybe I’m not crazy. Maybe I’m just lost and terrified.

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

Where are you? Are you thinking about me? Do you even remember? Do you remember me?

Because I do. I remember everything about you. Every little detail. Every little sound and soft breath.

Every little kiss and touch.

Where are you?

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

I want you so badly.

Remember when I first told you that I love you?

Or the second?

Third?

Hundredth?

I remember them all.

Because with these words I gave you  piece of my heart.

You still have it, right?

But did you put these pieces together?

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

I want you so badly.

I love you.

You know that I started smoking again? It’s funny how I quickly became addicted again. But I don’t think it’s about the taste or the smell. It’s about the routine. Of the same movements and feelings.

It’s about your routine.

About your strawberry shampoo.

About your vanilla pancakes.

About your dazzling smile.

About your hands in mine.

About us.

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

I want you so badly.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I’m not angry. I’m not disappointed. If I were you, I’d do the same. But I am not you. I’m different. I’m weaker. I’m nobody. I wouldn’t do this, because after some days I would come back. I would sneak to your room, while you still would be soundly asleep. I would look at you as long as I can.

I would leave in the morning when the sun would finally call the sky as it’s property.

But I would have strength to walk away. Again.

But I am not you.

I’m not angry.

I’m not disappointed.

I’m just broken.

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

I want you so badly.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I’m sorry.

Yesterday I was in our house. It still smells like you. I was here for the whole day. It was one of the best days since you left me. Because for a little moment you were there with me.

And our life still was the fairytale.

You still was my angel.

I still was alive.

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

I want you so badly.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I’m sorry.

I’m really sorry.

I found your costume there. Remember this one from your first musical? You were great. I was clapping so hard that my hands were all red and stiff. But you deserved it. You deserve everything in this world.

I was humming your song. I still remember. I was sitting in the first row. Proud. Happy. Excited.

And then you showed up and sang this love song. And for the whole time you were looking at me. Only at me. Like we were the only people there. Only you and me. Only us.

In this moment I knew that you are the one.

Like I didn’t know it from the beginning.

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

I want you so badly.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I’m sorry.

I’m really sorry.

I’m sorry for everything.

I also found something under your bed. I knew it was probably something private, but since you left it maybe you wanted me to find it. It was a box. Little cute box with white rabbits and pink bow at the top.

Oh, do you remember when I call you my bunny? You would always blush so hard and smile so brightly that the only thing I could do was to kiss your nose and whisper the only words my heart was telling me to say:” I love you”.

I opened it. I couldn’t believe my eyes. That you had it, that you left it. Even those little things from the time, that we were teenagers. All my letters for you, my little red hearts that I drew for you on every lesson. This little teddy bear that I gave you for your birthday. And even that scarf that I lent you but you never gave me back.

It was all here.

Packed.

Wrapped with memories.

Dead as your love for me.  

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

I want you so badly.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I’m sorry.

I’m really sorry.

I’m sorry for everything.

I want to fight.

Today my heart stopped for a moment. It just stopped beating. Like it lost the reason to do so.

And for some minutes I was not dead, but I wasn’t alive either. I was rather a ghost, some kind of shell of myself. And in this state, between life and death, I saw you.

You were standing there.

You were holding my hands.

You kissed away my tears.

You touched my heart.

And after it you disappeared again. My heart started beating again.

But I knew that I’m still dead.

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

I want you so badly.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I’m sorry.

I’m really sorry.

I’m sorry for everything.

I want to fight.

I want to fight for you.

Today they came to say goodbye. They all thought that I didn’t know.

But I knew.

They were there.

With me.

I didn’t want them to cry.

And my heart broke when I saw Jiyong crying.

I didn’t want them to be sad.

I didn’t want them to feel this heaviness.

I asked about you.

But they said that you won’t probably come.

I wasn’t surprised.

But still I couldn’t stop begging for you to show up.

Even for a moment.

Because seeing you would give me strength to walk away.

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

I want you so badly.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I’m sorry.

I’m really sorry.

I’m sorry for everything.

I want to fight.

I want to fight for you.

I want to win for you.

Doctors said that it will be a painful death. That the painkillers won’t work anymore for my body.

But I can’t believe that in this world is something more painful than living without you.

So I’m not scared.

But I want to see you.

Please, for the last time.

Please, you are the only thing that can save me.

Please…

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

I want you so badly.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I’m sorry.

I’m really sorry.

I’m sorry for everything.

I want to fight.

I want to fight for you.

I want to win for you.

I can’t stand it anymore.

This is probably the last letter. My hands are shaking and the blood from my nose ruined all my cards.

I’m sorry.

That I wasn’t good enough.

That I couldn’t be as perfect as you are in my eyes.

I’m sorry for my mistakes.

I’m sorry for my sickness.

I’m sorry for these letters.

I’m sorry for loving you to the last breath…

I miss you.

I miss you so badly.

I want you.

I want you so badly.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I’m sorry.

I’m really sorry.

I’m sorry for everything.

I want to fight.

I want to fight for you.

I want to win for you.

I can’t stand it anymore.

I’m dying but I want you to know…

Hey, it’s Jiyong here.

Seunghyun died. This morning when the sun showed up to warm up the spring flowers.

He loved spring’s mornings so much…

He loved you.

He died in pain. Screaming and losing consciousness. I was the only one here. He didn’t want anyone else.

Even then he didn’t forget about you.

He was calling your name for the whole time.

He needed you.

He loved you.

Seunghyun left his whole fortune and house for you.You can have it, if you want. He also left you some letters and videos, hoping that you would read and watch them all.

He had only one last wish.

He wanted me to tell you that he don’t regret anything. That after all you were his reason to fight. That you would always be his sweet bunny.

I hope you will show up on his funeral.

We will bury him as he wanted to. In the black coffin. With the blue roses on the top.

Next to you.

Rest in peace Daesung.

Rest in peace Seunghyun.

Now you can be together.

You can be saved.

Hey, it's me again. I hope that you like this little story. I don't know, but these days I'm very sad and depressed... It just matches this feeling inside me.

I'm sorry for such a sad story :(

I'm a bad person D:

Please comment to tell me what you think about it!

Do you want me to post more one shots?

P.S. Maybe it's not the best place, but I want to thank daengel Unnie for everything :3

I can't descirbe it with words how happy I am to have a chance to talk with you.

And I really can't thank you enough with words.

I know that your birthday was some time ago, but still I want you to know that I dedicate this story to you.

Love, Arvena :3