He still remembered. Remembered his smell, the way his messy hair would blow in the wind, his huge smile and plumb lips, and how he always shied away when meeting new people, slightly hiding behind Raehwans back. His pretty white skin and his round puppy eyes. How his hands were always warm and slightly smaller than his, and how they seemed to fit perfectly into one another.

The thought of him still warmed his heart. Brought a small smile to his lips.

He looked out the window in the classroom. It was fall. The red and orange leaves decorating the ground prettily. He could see the path they always used to walk along from here. It all seemed so serene. Oh how he wished he could just grab his warm hands once again and walk down that path, listening to the rustling leaves and each others slow breathing. No need to talk. Just be there, beside each other. Confirming their existence.

Yes. He waited. Raewhan was still waiting for him. His best friend. His first love. His only love.

Oh Gwangsuk.

The boy that filled most of his thoughts. The boy who left so suddenly. Too suddenly. The one he needed, missed, wanted close. The boy his heart was longing for, longing to fix. Healing his sorrows and kiss away his tears. Claim as his. But he still wasn't back. And Raehwan didn't even know if he'd ever be.

But oh, how he wished. Hoped to see him again and hold him close. So he would wait. And if he didn't come to Raehwan, Raehwan would come to him.

***

  The first time he saw him again he thought his mind was playing games with him. That he'd hoped for so long, that suddenly his mind would make up an image of its own. He was just walking home from school, down their path, making his way through the dry leaves, his mind empty, listening to the sound of the nature surrounding him. He barely noticed. He just walked right past him, right past the boy sitting on the bench. The boy didn't look up, didn't even seem to notice Raewhan walking past him. The same with Raehwan. This was not a uncommon occurrence after all. Walking by someone sitting on a bench. But just in the glimpse of his eye Raehwan recognized him.

Gwangsuk. But by the time the realization hit him he was already down the path, and Gwangsuk was not sitting on the bench anymore.

He was too late.

He could not believe it. After so long he'd finally had his chance, and he blew it. And now he was gone. Again.

But Gwangsuk was back. Oh Gwangsuk. Raehwans Gwangsuk. His, and only his.

That weekend Raehwan walked through the park, the one with their path and where he saw him. He walked around aimlessly for hours, just hoping to see him again. But he didn't. Gwangsuk was nowhere in sight. That weekend he felt lonely. He couldn't find him. It was like Gwangsuk was right there, right in front of him, but as Raehwan reached out he barely graced him with his fingertips. But he couldn't reach. Even though he was right there, his arms simply weren't long enough. And it hurt, hurt him so bad. The thought of Gwangsuk being so close, yet so far away, made him feel empty, useless and alone. So alone.

***

  The second time he was both happy, shocked and sad. Gwangsuk was back and apparently he was the new student in their class. He couldn't have been more happy. But when he looked at Gwangsuk he felt like breaking down sobbing. He looked so sad and empty. Like he was just a shell of who he used to be. Like he was completely broken and had given up. Given up on everything, life, love, fun, friendship. He seemed scared, so afraid it made Raehwan cringe. And there was nothing more he felt like doing than taking him into his arms and rock him back and forth slowly, whispering comforting words, and take away all his worries and his sorrow.

Instead though, he just stared as Gwangsuk made his way to his seat, eyes sealed to the floor, not looking up once.

As soon as the bell rang Raehwan hurried towards him, grabbing his arm, looking at him, searching his eyes for anything, any kind of emotion. The only thing he found was emptiness. And Gwangsuks response was just as empty as his eyes.

“Hello again Raehwan-sshi”

With that Gwangsuk bowed and softy removed my now limb hand from his arm, walking out the classroom. He felt numb, his whole body dead, like everything, every thought and feeling just left his body, and he was frozen in his spot.

The Gwangsuk he just met was not his Gwangsuk. He was different, distant and broken. And right there, Raehwan swore he would do anyhing to get him back.

***

  “Do you still dance?” He asked, in hopes of getting some kind of conversation going with him.

It was lunch a few days later, and Raehwan had done everything in his power to get Gwangsuk to open up and to talk to him. The only thing he'd gotten so far were nods and small hums, no questions in return, no smiles, no eye contact, and honestly Raehwan felt like he was being avoided by the latter. He seemed afraid of him, and why, Raehwan really didn't know. And it broke his heart.

Gwangsuk nodded a little, though this time something flashed through his eyes quickly, happy or sad, Raehwan couldn't tell. It passed too quickly, but it was enough, like he'd managed to make

small crack in his shell.

“A little, I guess.” He saw the corners of his mouth twitching a little, almost forming a small smile, but still not quite. He then looked Raehwan in the eyes for the first time, before quickly diverting his eyes downwards again.

“Do.. Do you still sing?” He mumbled, and it was so quite that if Raehwan hadn't been paying as much attention to the smaller one as he did, he would probably have missed it. He smiled at that. He liked that he once again could get to pay such close attention to the boy. What he loved even more though, was that this was the first time he'd asked him a question in return. And the mere thought of that made his heart beat faster.

“Yeah! I started playing the piano as well, you know.. So that I could start composing my own songs.” He replied just as soft, but he new for a certain that Gwangsuk heard him.

Now he smiled. Not much, but you could sense the slight sparkle in his eyes if you looked closely, and his lips did in fact turn slightly upwards.

“I remember you always talked about wanting to do that.” Right at that moment Raehwan could die a happy man. Gwangsuk remembered about it. About his dreams. And not only that, he also managed to make the younger smile.

“You should come listen to it sometime, if you're up for it?” He asked, trying to calm his voice, to not sound as nervous as he really was. He almost succeeded. To this Gwangsuk smiled again, and his cheeks seemed to redden slightly, something Raehwan knew always happened when he felt moved or nervous.

“Yeah... I'd like that” He whispered in response.

***

It was a few weeks past since Gwangsuk came back home, as Raehwan liked to put it. Because Gwangsuks home was here, with Raehwan, not wherever they moved, where he was all alone with his thoughts. No. Now he was home, and in the last three years he's spend from home, he's obviously not been at peace, and now, when he was finally back, Raehwan was gonna give him the peace he so desperately needed.

They hadn't talked about much, mostly superficial stuff, and it was always Raehwan who started the conversations. It was not much, but it was something, babysteps, on the way to achieve their friendship. But it was still a big progress from not having any contact at all.

”Wanna go for a walk in the park after school? It's so pretty this time of the year you know” Raehwan asked, voice full of hope. Gwangsuk looked up from his table, slightly surprised, and to be honest he looked adorable. With his mouth slightly open and his eyes wide, round and filled with something Raehwan recognized as longing. He then quickly looked down again and just nodded.

Suddenly school couldn't pass soon enough.

They walked slowly in silence, with the wind ruffling their hair, not more than an inch or two between their shouders, almost brushing each other with each step, but only almost. The silence wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. It honestly felt really natural, like they were just enjoying each others company. No need for small talk, just the other being beside you more than enough. Like they'd come to a silent agreement, that this was enough.

”Raehwan.. Do you believe in monsters?” Gwangsuk suddenly asked, competely out of nowhere. Raehwan looked at him surprised, but recovered quickly humming slightly, as a way of showing he was thinkig.

”Not really no.. Why do you ask?” Gwangsuk just shrugged.

”I guess I wanted to know” Raehwan looked at him intrigued. There was a deeper meaning behind this, otherwise he wouldn't even have opened his mouth.

”Do you?” Gwangsuk looked at the nothingness, his mind far away, wondering if he should answer or not.

”I believe in one kind of monster.” He answered and Raehwan knew he was pushing it when he asked him to elaborate.

“Humans. The one that hides deep inside of each of us, and just eats us up ever so slowly. Someday I believe that that monster's going to take the control. And I don't want that to happen.” After that both of the boys were quite, both caught in deep thought.

After their walk in the park, it seemed to become an almost daily tradition. They would go for a walk in the park, preferably down the same pathway they had used when they were younger. And even though they didn't talk all that much, Raehwan was so happy. Because he tried reaching out to Gwangsuk, and the boy walked towards him, slowly and insecurely, but he was still reaching out to Raehwan as well, in his own weird way. And that was indeed quite the progress.

***

Winter was coming and it was getting colder, everything dying down, the sky becoming darker by the hour. Gwangsuk also seemed to seek even more into the safety his cocoon, the nearer that day came. He knew why. He knew why he was having a hard time. The winter was never the same for him anymore. And Raehwan knew, he didn't have to tell him.

Gwangsuk used to love the winter. Playing in the snow, taking pictures, kidding around, drinking hot chocolate, snuggling close to his big brother Youngjun or Raehwan to keep warm. It was his favorite season. But the winter had suddenly gotten a new meaning that fateful day three years ago. Suddenly winter meant death to Gwangsuk, and not just the plants and spiders. That winter he lost his brother.

***

The 7^th of December Gwangsuk had been sitting in class, dripping wet from their recent snowball fight, when suddenly he was called to the office. We were only in 9^th grade at that time, having not even turned 15 yet. Gwangsuk never returned to the class. Once school was out Raehwan had called him immediately only to be met with the voicemail. It had continued like that the rest of the day.

The next day he didn't come to school either and Raehwan was sick with worry. The teacher then announced that something unfortunate had happened to Gwangsuk. That his brother had passed away, so that we probably wouldn't see him for a while, since he needed to be with his family.

Raehwan ran. He ran out of the classroom and all the way to Gwangsuks home, not even noticing he was out of breath, because there was only one thing he needed then, and that was to see Gwangsuk. He rang the doorbell and was greeted by his a pale, out of this world, looking friend. As soon as they saw each other they hugged. And for the first time since he found out about his brother he cried. Completely soaking his friends shirt, but Raehwan didn't care. He cried with him, held him tightly to his chest, promising over and over that he wouldn't let him go. Ever.

The next time they saw each other was at the funeral. Raehwan will never forget that day. That was the day Gwangsuk had been broken. The day he wrapped himself up in that cocoon of his, refusing to let anyone in. Shielding away from the world. From Raehwan. Still, Raehwan was there, holding his hand, kissing his fingers and palms, crying the tears that Gwangsuk refused to cry. So he wouldn't have to, so he could save Gwangsuk the pain, if even just a little.

That night Raehwan had slept at his house, holding Gwangsun all night, not letting him be alone with his tears. That was the last time he saw him cry, the last time he held him in his arms and the last time he saw Gwangsuk.

Only after Gwangsuk had moved away, did he find out that it was suicide.

***

That had also been the hardest time of Raehwans life. Gwangsuk was gone. Without as much as a note or anything, and suddenly he was alone. How was Raehwan supposed to protect him if he wasn't there? He had been so sad, cried everyday. But eventually he decided that he would wait for him. Even id he had to wait for a thousand years, he would wait. Because the empty spot that Gwangsuk left in his heart he knew, already by then, that no one could ever fill, besides him. So he'd wait for him. Wait till he was ready to come back home. And if he never came, Raehwan would just have to find him. So that he could protect him from the world once again. Because that's how love works, and Raehwan knew that for a fact.

That winter they were both forced to grow up.

***

Gwangsuk seemed to die with the winter. Raehwan wouldn't allow that. They walked home together everyday, through the park. When the 1^st of December came around Gwangsuk seemed to have completely withered and disappeared. That day was the first time Raehwan took a hold of Gwangsuks hand again and Gwangsuk let him. His hand was still as warm and soft as ever, and it was still so much smaller than his own. A perfect fit he thought once again. He continued to hold his hand every day from then on.

On the 7^th, Gwangsuk didn't come to school. And when he called Raehwan in their free period and asked if he could please stay at his house, since he didn't want to be home with his parents. Raehwan of course agreed and when he was asked if he could come home immediately, he did. When he returned to his house he saw a small figure sitting outside his door on the steps. He was dressed way too lightly, in a white thin shirt and a pair of back pants, and some sneakers. No jacket or scarf or boots. Raehwan hurried towards him and unlocked the door, quickly pulling him up and inside.

As soon as he closed the door he started to fuss and worry about how Gwangsuk could go outside in the cold dressed like that, and how how would end up getting sick, but as soon as he caught sight of the smallers face he stopped his ramblings and just took him in his arms. They hugged each other for dear life, and gwangsuk kept on mumbling how he was sorry and cried into his shoulder. Raehwan just shushed him and tightened his grip. He sat the latter down in his couch went to get some warm dry clothes for the cold boy to wear.

When he returned he found Gwangsuk sitting exactly where he was left, silent tears dripping down his cheeks.

“I brought some dry clothes for you” It didn't seem to get through to him, so Raehwan just sighed and begun buttoning up his shirt, softy slipping it of his shoulders. He thereafter slipped the dry t-shirt on him, removed his old drenched socks and replaced them with some good old fashioned knitted ones, he'd gotten last Christmas from his grandma. Gwangsuk seemed to wake from his trance and dealt with the pants part himself, much to the others relief, since that could have gotten awkward. He brought a blanket over and turned some slow piano music on, sat down in the couch where he was joined by Gwangsuk.

He soon found himself lying with Gwangsuk in his arms, just running his fingers up and down his back and looking in each others eyes. Not saying anything, just listening to each others breathing, comforting each other.

Raehwan honestly didn't know how long they'd lied there when Gwangsuk had first spoken.

“You know what day it is today?” He'd asked in a low voice, raspy from crying. Raehwan had only nodded in response and moved his fingers up to comb his hair.

“You wanna talk about it?” Gwangsuk only shook his head in response, but smiled a little non the less, the comforting presence of Raehwan soothing. They'd stayed like that the rest of the day and night, only getting up to eat and pee, but cozying up to each other the remaining time.

***

Spring was coming and everything was coming back to life. Including Gwangsuk. He seemed to bloom with the flowers. He was still closed and he still refused to let anyone in, but after that day in December, they really had become a lot closer, but still on a platonic level.

This day they were walking hand in hand around in the park. Their park, as Raehwan liked to adress it. Gwangsuk pulled them to sit on the bench he'd seen him sit on that day last fall. He knew he had something to say, something on his heart, otherwise he wouldn't have pulled Raehwan to sit.

After a few minutes of Gwangsuk just starring out the blue, Raehwan gave his hand a slight pat, just to let him know that he could take his time, that he shouldn't rush. He received a grateful smile in return.

“Is it weird To.. To be afraid?” He finally said.

“Afraid how? Of what?” The oldest asked softly.

“ Of.. Of you.. Us.. Our friendship.. Wh-what we have, and what it'll do to me? Of people and relations.. Of getting hurt?” Raehwan slung his arm around the youngest shoulder.

“No, I don't think it is... But why would you be afraid of me? I would never hurt you.” He whispered against his soft hair.

“I'm afraid you'd leave me too” He replied, voice cracking midway.

“I would never leave you Gwangie. Only if you asked me to, and even then I'm not sure I ever could.” Gwangsuk sighed in contempt then, but he still seemed scared to be left.

***

“Will you do me a favor?” Raehwan looked at his smaller buddy, surprised, both because it was morning and neither Gwangsuk nor himself was much of a morning person, and secondly because the younger never asked for favors. Never.

“Ummm.. Sure?”

“Come visit my brother with me? I'm not sure I can do it alone..”

“Of course I will, we both know that” They smiled. Raehwan knows why he asked him. He knew his brother, himself and how he was before. He also knew that his parents was a no go, because it would simply be too tough for the latter to watch his parents break down. Then he would, once again, try to be strong for them, comfort them. And that was not what he needed. He needed to be the weak one for once, he needed someone to be the strong one, someone who could comfort him. And he needed Raehwan to be that one person. And so they went to the graveyard.

“Should I talk to him?” He asked feeling uncertain. They'd been there for 15 minutes now, just looking at the gray stone. But it was okay. Raehwan knew it was the first time he visited. He knew it must be very tough.

“You should do what comes naturally” Gwangsuk sighed and sat down in front of the stone, and finally he opened his heart completely. He let the tears flow freely, while he talked about his innermost feelings.

“I just don't understand why.. I've been so scared and lonely.. I was so afraid that I'd be left again.. I couldn't take it. So I left before anyone got the chance of leaving me again.. I didn't know what to do without you, and I'm so so sorry that I haven't come to see you.. I feel so bad! I just wasn't ready to face that you're really gone. I miss you. I miss you so much it's insane.” Raehwans heart was burning, hearing the one he loved cry so hard and knowing that there was absolutely nothing he could do.

“I really wish I could have you beside me always. But I finally think.. I finally think I'm ready to move on Youngjun-hyung.. But I promise that I'll always have you in my mind, never ever will I forget. And I promise to come visit you more often. I love you hyung.. I really do” He just sat there in silence for the next minute or so drying his tears.

“Thank you Raehwannie.. For.. For being there..” He said as he rose from the ground. Raehwan only nodded and put his hand on his shoulder squeezing sightly. Gwangsuk smiled, and for a moment Raehwan swear he heard the angels sing.

“I think I'm ready...” Gwangsuk said and blushed a pink tint. Very cute, he added in the back of his mind.

“Ready for?” He blushed even harder now, held his breath and pouted slightly, probably contemplating on how to say what was on his mind.

“I'm ready to let you in” Raehwans smile was wide and his eyes lit up like fireworks.

***

When summer finally came along Gwangsuk was fully bloomed and they'd even gotten a few friends other than each other. When they graduated high school Gwangsuk also moved in with Raehwan or Raehwannie as he'd taken to calling him, much to Raehwans displeasure, since he liked to cosider himself rather masculine. He secretly liked it though, because that meant that Gwangsuk was his, and that he was special, since he was the only one Gwangsuk knew had given a nickname.

They got a small apartment and within the first week Raehwan discovered that living with him was gonna be tough, since it suddenly got so much harder to keep his hands to himself, and by the end of that week, he confessed his love for his best friend and was pleasantly surprised to find his friends hands in his hair, kissing him breathless. Even more so, when the first thing he did was bring him to the cemetery to share the news that he finally was in a relationship with Raehwan, the man he'd loved for so long, and who'd saved him from himself.

At that Raehwan smiled. Apparently he wasn't the only one who'd had his heart stolen away by his best friend. And the fact that he'd told Youngjun about it just proved his point.

He may have waited for what felt like a thousand years for his return, but he knew for certain that he would wait another thousand one at that, and love him even longer.