I am not you. I’m not as perfect as you. I’m not as lovable as you. I’m not as absurdly handsome like you. You’re everything I want, everything I need. You’re everything but mine.

The way you sleep is adorable to me. The way you sniffle every now and then, with a frequent brush of your delicate yet sharp nose. The way your ridiculously long eyelashes cascade down from your eyelid. Your parting lips that never fail to make me want to feel the way they touch mine. Your soft snores that bring an endearing smile to my face.

Others call me creepy, but I’ll call it admiring. Being your roommate has given me a huge advantage of staring at you when you're fast asleep – a habit I’ve formed from desperations of wanting to look at you all the ing time.

I sit and watch as you kiss the cheeks of your girlfriend, who gratefully smiles back at you, her pearly white teeth showing. Over my obsession for you I had once wondered what was so wonderful about that girl, that girl you love oh-so much. Then I realized what she was made of – that perfect set of teeth, that stunningly gorgeous facial feature, and that charming and alluring aura she gives off. She was perfect. She had ethereal beauty. The total opposite of me. The one that suits you the best, not me… Never me.

Maybe, in an alternate universe, we get together and declare our love to the mountains. 
Or, maybe in another, we never meet at all. 

At least, in this universe, I had the pleasure of meeting you.

-

Today is your birthday. Manager hyung had suggested all of us to go out and have a scrumptious dinner in celebration of your twenty second birthday and to let us have a day off. We cheered and everyone started discussing about what to eat. I dared a glance at you and wasn’t surprise when I found you tapping away on your new smartphone.

I was wondering when you had gotten a new phone when you scurried over to sit beside me. Caught off guard, I stared at you for a moment before I snapped back into reality. You had questioned me what I wanted to have for dinner. I manage a small smile as I lightly punch your shoulder, insisting that it was your birthday dinner and all the others should shut up about their opinions. You let out a light laughter that sounded like music to my ears. Your infectious laughter took over me as I ruffled your hair playfully as I tried to calm my beating heart inside.

Because of our busy schedules these days I hardly had any proper conversations with you. Most were before we went up on stage and we had needed help from each other with our dressings or hair. To be able to laugh and joke with you like that, this is paradise.

Close your eyes and imagine climbing the tallest tree you can find and standing on tip toes on the smallest branch at the top with your arms stretched out for balance,

and imagine that giddy feeling in your stomach when you look down at the ground below, that's what I feel when I’m talking to you.

You had slipped off right after you finished eating, saying you had wanted to meet your girlfriend before your birthday ended. Everyone had started to deride you about her “birthday gift” to you, and that you should remember to bring a extra "protection". I scrunch up my nose in disgust at that statement, but soon join the laughter in order to avoid suspicion.

I thought I would finally be able to have those rare heart to heart talks with you tonight, but I guess I’m wrong – like always.

I had ran off after you and begged you to stay, just for once. But you shrugged me off without any hesitance for your thoughts and ran off. I was left aside to cry. I wanted to encapsulate myself and never come out to face the harsh reality waiting for me.

-

I had always looked after you from afar. I had always tried to be the first one that could assist you, to comfort you, to always be the one you need. To be the first person you’ll turn to when you’re in a messy situation. But as expected, I was never the one. You would only turn to me when you can’t get the right notes while singing or when you’re having a hard time with your girlfriend. I was never the first choice. I was always the second, third, fourth, last choice. But it doesn’t matter. All I need for me to be contented is for you to be happy, and if everyone else can bring a smile to your face, I’ll be contented. As long as you’re around me, I’ll be the happiest man in the world.

But that my happiness was short-lived when I overheard you quarrelling with the manager over moving to your girlfriend’s place. My heart ached when you were soon called up to the CEO’s office and saw you begging on your knees. All that just for her.

The CEO had declined your request no matter how many reasons you gave and how much begging you did. Ever since then I had not seen a genuine smile on your face, and you’ve been eating lesser and lesser. I was worried sick and had tried to persuade and comfort you, but you had shrugged me off, just like that time I had begged you to stay. I had thought through it and decided to aid you by talking to the CEO. I thought I had a better chance of successfully persuading him since I am the leader and I was the one who communicated with him the most. Yes, I was going to find the CEO the very next day.

But I never got to. You had left me all alone in our shared room with your belongings. You had ran off with a few of your belongings, and it didn’t take the CEO long to find out. He had told our managers and the rest of us off, and had wanted us to find out where you and your girlfriend were at before he fires you. Being the one who had fetched you to your girlfriend’s house the previous times, I knew where you were at. But I kept mum. I couldn’t expose you. You would hate me, but if I didn’t, your job and passion would be at risk. You had rejected all of our calls, and I had texted you to talk it through with me so we could solve this together. I’m was pretty certain you had seen the text because you had once again rejected Myungsoo’s call to you a good 10 minutes after I had sent that text.

I took off under the rain, determined to talk to you the very next day. CEO was fuming mad and the news of you running away was starting to spread. With only a plaid shirt – the one you got for me – under my black hoodie, i traversed through the rain as i cursed at how stupid I was to not wear something warmer, knowing the rain would make me catch a cold at this rate.

I arrived at your girlfriend’s house after running under the rain for a good 25minutes, and I was shocked to see you topless, your hair evident and beads of sweat falling of your temples. I stared at you as you growled in frustration. I snapped out of my dirty thoughts and had tried to persuade you back home, explaining the entire situation.

You slammed the door on my face even before I had finished my sentence. I jammed the door bell of the apartment and you opened the door with a loud howl of “WHAT”, which in return had me staring at you. Never in my 6 years of knowing you had you ever yelled at me like that – at least not in anger. I shook you and tried to get you to snap out of this phase you are going through. I wanted to drill the message that we are idols, we’re not suppose to be dating and running away like rebellious teenagers. We were suppose to be responsible.

I had half expected you to shrug me off – like you always do, but instead, you shoved me out of your doorstep with all your strength, which had me tripping over and falling on the cold hard ground of the pavement. For the numerous time today, I felt shock taking over my entire body. I felt humiliated, silly for trying, in a pathetic state. The whole situation was becoming more volatile, and yet i couldn't do anything about it.

Looking up over the rain, you did not show a hint of regret and had once again slammed the door shut. Giving up, I went back to our dorms only to be hit with the announcement that Woohyun would be officially kicked out of infinite, of woollim ent. Drenched with sweat, tears and rainwater, I gave a mere sad nod of my head and headed back to our- no. my room.

I laid down in your empty bed, covers pulled back from having been slept in the night before, and I cried. I slipped right in where you had been laying, one pillow to hold and one pillow at your back, leaving your body shape between them. I could still smell you on the pillows where your cheek had rested and your breath had hummed the night away into their down. I could see the imprint of your arm in the twisted sheets. But you aren’t there.

So I let my hands shake as they clutched the pillow to my chest and raked the other into the small of my back, so that I might not feel quite so alone. I let the tears fall hot and strangling onto your pillow as I begged god to let me stop feeling. To understand. To let you go. I screamed under all of the pressure falling like bricks onto my heart. Let it end. Let it stop. I can't feel this much. Nothing. I want to feel nothing. Please, just let me feel nothing. 

I wish I believed in god, but prayers never return anything except damaged goods.

That night, i cried myself to sleep, drowning in my own pool of melancholia, whilst hugging the frame of a picture of you and me, with Woohyun & Sunggyu with a little heart next to my name, encraved in black, neat handwriting. Your handwriting. Nam Woohyun, you were everything. Everything but mine.

He is an unexpected drop in temperature on a hot day. He is a really great haircut. He is the lollipop in the doctor's office. He is the first few notes of your favorite song. He is the sweet smelling, enveloping steam in the bathroom after a hot shower. He is the last brief lulling encounter with consciousness before a deep slumber. He is an oversized winter sweater. He is a lazy Sunday morning. He is slow breathing and soft music.

He is familiarity. He is home.

But there's one thing he isn't--

...mine.

---

I'M SORRY I JUST LOST INSPIRATION AFTER THE FIRST LIKE 5 WORDS IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO TY IM CRY PLS HIT ME AND SCREAM AT ME AND INSPIRE ME TO WRITE A BETTER ONESHOT

I DIDNT EXPECT SO MANY OF YOU TO LIKE THIS ONESHOT AND TO COMMENT OH MY GOD AND I DIDNT EXPECT SO MANY OF MY FRIENDS TO FIND THIS HOLY HAHAH ANW I EDITTED THIS ON 12/1/14 OK I MADE IT SLIGHTLY BETTER OK I LOVE YALL OH AND YA APPARENTLY 2 ANONS RECOMMENDED ME ON THE INFINITEFICRCLISTOT7 ITS THIS TUMBLR THAT COMPLIES GOOD FICS (I THINK) THANKS TO THOSE WHO RECOMMENDED THIS I RLLY APPRECIATE THIS <3