“You like him, don’t you?” she asked.

“Why would you say that? Of course I like him. He is my leader, after all,” he said, tried to seem casual but failed, since he answered too fast.

Jessica sighed. She knew he would answer her question like that. It’s not that she can’t ask further, she just didn’t want. She was afraid to hear the answer. She was afraid if she’s right. She’s not ready to throw her hopes yet. Her hopes to be with him.

“Just asking. You looked like you will eat him already,” she chose her words carefully, faking a laugh with curiousity hidden in it.

He was a bit flustered and threw his face to the other direction, while muttered ‘You silly’ or something. It saddened her. She almost sure with his reaction that she was right all along. She felt that she was losing without even fight the battle.

Jinki, or anyone would say Onew, the leader of SHINee was the objection of their talk earlier. He’s been chatting with Key animatedly for almost half an hour now. He laughed so much. So much that Jonghyun thought his heart couldn’t take it anymore. So much that Jessica couldn’t bear to see how Jonghyun smiled so widely at the sight of him. So much for the happiness, and so much for the nearly broken heart.

“Jjong! Let’s go! We have to get change soon!” Jinki said brightly at him.

Jonghyun moved from his place while muttering “bye, noona!” with a too brightly smile. Jessica could only smile a polite smile to both of them. They could never differentiate her smiles anyway. He coud never.

She didn’t deserve this. She knew she should be the one to win. Her selfish self was telling her to not give up. She had more rights than him. She deserved to be the special person for him. She deserved to be loved by him. She deserved to spend the remaining lifetime with him.

She deserved it all.

After all the things she had done for him.

She knew that he will most likely accept her to be his girl if she confessed. It’s that easy. Just three simple words. Easy, but hard to bear. Hard if you know that his heart belonged to someone else.

She might be selfish but she’s not foolish.

Maybe she deserved better. Maybe she deserved more than this. Maybe she’s too worthy for him. She just had to back off and pursue another happiness.

♦♦♦

It was a story from long ago.

A girl and a boy met. They were both trainees in a same company. It was after her debut that they were able to talk comfortably around each other. Talk after talk, they became friends. Bestfriends, they would admit. They shared so many things. Their life stories, their weaknesses, their secrets.

Jinki was the boy’s name, before he changed to Onew while Jessica was the girl from back then.

They maintained their relationship through the hard times and strengthened it together. It was all fine, sweet, and nice before Kim Jonghyun came to the picture.

They didn’t realize it at first. They were blinded from the fact that this young man might shook their strong friendships. They were getting too attached to him. All too close. And they were too late to escaped. Jessica was too late to prevent it all.

It was a story from long ago,

which caused her heart cries so many times now.

♦♦♦

They were just finishing their performance. Jessica was waiting. Patiently, but nervous at the same time. She was waiting for him to come to the backstage.

She had made up her mind. She might be crying endlessly for the rest of the day, but it was better than crying endlessly for the rest of her life. She took a deep breath before released it and stood up from her seat.

She walked and her eyes was set on him. He noticed her and threw a sweet smile. She returned it and waved her hands to him. She looked so calm but her heart knew better.

“How’s that?” he asked her about their performance just now.

“The best!” she said cheerfully with two thumbs up.

They laughed together and she gave him a warm hug. Jessica held his hand and made a contact with his eyes. She didn’t have to say anything for him to understand that she wanted to tell something to him. He knew her that much, after all.

They took a sit, a little bit far from the rest.

He kept silence and wait for her to talk. They both leaned their backs to the wall behind their seats. Suddenly, Jessica straightened her back and turned her head to him.

“I want to tell you something,” she started, “but it might be absurd since you are so dumb and all..”

“Yah! What’s with the mock?” he said in protest with small laugh.

Jessica smiled, ignoring his comment, “I love you, fool.”

They were both froze in their positions with their eyes interlocked with each other. Her eyes were so assuring but sad, but he might couldn’t see that since it wasn’t something that he had expected before. He was thinking that she might would say ‘I fought with Krystal again’ or ‘Yoong pranked me with more cucumbers’. Yeah, something near that. Something that he had prepared for the answers. Definitely was not this one.

“I won’t let you say that I’m joking, okay? Because I’m not,” she said clearly.

He just stared at her with a blank face, “You’re joking..”

“I thought I said that I won’t let you to say that!” she laughed to hide her nearly fallen tears, “See? You are looking so dumb right now.”

She sighed and smile once again. He slowly registered what she said but didn’t know how to react. Yet his eyes were so warm, looking at her.

“You know, I just want to say it. I knew you didn’t love me back..”

He panicked and said hurriedly, “No! I love you! Really!”

She laughed again, her cheeks began to feel so stiff, “I’m happy you say that. I know you love me. But not in the way I felt it. You too realized it, right? I just want to let you go before it hurts too much..”

He fell silent. He just kept staring at her who was already threw her face to somewhere else. They sat there, without words spoken.

After some times that felt like so long, she stood up and face him once more.

“Don’t worry. It’s not your fault. It’s just the way you are,” she smiled and offering her hand to him, “I won’t stop to be your bestfriend, though. Just so you know.”

He accepted her hand and grabbed it tightly, “I can be with you. No, let me be with you.”

It was so tempting for her, but she already made up her mind, and she’s not the one to waver. “You can.. but I can’t. Don’t be so mean to me. Just tell him already. He’s been waiting for it.”

He felt so dumb in front of her. He admitted that he was a fool, just like she said. He couldn’t say he was sorry because it will just ruin her pride. He brought her into his arms instead, to say how much she meant for him.

“I never said I loved you so much, right?” he asked her with closed eyes and still hugging her.

“You just did, silly..” Jessica reached her limit and tears began to run down to her flawless cheeks, slowly and silently, “And you are responsible for making me cry.”

“I know..”

“The girls will beat you hard.”

“I know..”

“Jjong will probably jealous seeing us..”

“I know..”

“Lee Sooman will interrogate us after this..”

“I know..”

“You are annoying, Jinki..”

He gave out a small laugh, “That too, I know..”

It was a year after they first met Jonghyun that Jessica finally see that. She saw how Jinki’s eyes weren’t directed to her. How his smiles weren’t meant for her. How his happiness wasn’t with her anymore.

But it didn’t matter before, because she knew Jonghyun won’t be able to returned Jinki’s heart.

But then, it happened.

“You like him, don’t you?” she asked.

“Why would you say that? Of course I like him. He is my leader, after all,” he said, tried to seem casual but failed, since he answered too fast.

She  found out that Jonghyun’s eyes were always on him. Jonghyun’s smiles were because of him. Jonghyun’s happiness was also with him.

She felt that she was losing without even fight the battle. She was an outsider all along. She couldn’t even enter the war.

Jessica’s still crying in Jinki’s arms.

The staffs were looking at them. Their team mates were looking at them. His crush was looking at him and her. But it wasn’t a big deal, because starting that day, from the hug they shared, they gathered their lost hearts to move on.