Title: Ink and Lead 

Pairing: Chen/Suho

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Suho is a pencil with a dream and Chen is the ball pen who lives the life Suho wants. Naturally, Suho hates Chen.

 

 

 

Suho comes in a box with two other pencils by his side. His head is literally aching to be sharpened and he can’t help the feeling of excitement he gets when he realizes that not long after, he will be held and he will be used to write.

 

The moment the girl holds him in her hand and sharpens him, Suho feels as though he’s finally on his way to fulfilling his purpose. He imagines what it would be like to write on paper, to be held in between fingers making of shapes and lines to write letters and draw. 

 

From where he’s being held, Suho can see the desk and the paper in the middle of it. The excitement is bubbling in his wooden body. He can almost feel his head touch the paper. But then, the girl puts him aside and takes another one of the pencils out. 

 

Suho is stunned beyond belief. He can’t take his eyes away from the paper that is oh so close. His heart drops as the girls pushes him aside with the rest of her writing materials where they lay scattered on the table, spilling out of her pencil case. He watches as the girl takes out the last of the writing materials from her pencil case: three very fancy looking pens, a black one, a red one and a blue one. He watches as she sets them on the other side of the paper, and Suho knows that these pens are special. The girl takes the black pen in her hand and begins to uncap it. Suho can’t help the way his heart breaks and the way his smile falters. 

 

‘Don’t look so disappointed,’ an eraser tells him and Suho turns his attention to him. ‘You must be new so let me tell you how this is going to work.’

 

Suho nods and the eraser tells him with a weary voice how life is as a pencil. 

 

‘You see that pen she’s holding?’ Suho nods. ‘His name is Chen and he’s the favorite. Along with those other two,’ He points to the similar looking pens by the side of the paper. ‘They’re the ones who are used the most. They’re the pens and you’re the pencil.’ He gives Suho a sad looking smile, almost as if he sympathizes with him. 

 

‘They’re option 1, kid and you,’ He bumps Suho as if to comfort him. ‘You’re option 2.’

 

Suho feels like someone has just snatched away his dream and, as he turns to look back at the girl with Chen in her hand, he can’t help but feel as though it should be him in her hands instead of Chen. 

 

 

 

 

 

Suho watches as the girl takes Chen out of her pencil case once again. He is yet to be used by his owner and he already feels his luster fading, his tip is slowly losing its sharpness. He frowns as he feels another pencil roll over him as the girl zips her case close. 

 

He doesn’t make friends with the other writing materials inside the case. He opts to spend his time sulking and being depressed about not making his dreams come true. The only person who bothers him is the eraser, offering him company when the older one deems that he needs it. But Suho would rather spend his time alone, dreaming of the day when he gets to be used, when he gets to do what he was made for. In his mind, he silently curses people like Chen for stealing his purpose.

 

‘You know,’ the red pen tells him one day. ‘Chen isn’t a bad ballpoint pen. It’s not his choice to be used all the time.’ There’s a hint of sadness in her tone that Suho can’t quite understand. ‘You should get to know him.’ She smiles at him before rolling away to be with the blue pen. 

 

He doesn’t quite understand why they’re not as disappointed as he is with not being used. It’s their purpose to write on paper and be used. It’s their right and yet they’re acting as if Chen isn’t as lucky as he seems to be. He doesn’t understand. 

 

 

 

 

 

Days blur into weeks and soon Suho becomes used to the idea of writing being a faraway dream. It’s almost normal for him as he lives his days watching Chen go in and out of the case, sometimes with the correction tape or the red pen. He finds that with the time that passes, it becomes less painful and more tolerable. 

 

What isn’t normal, he finds, is Chen watching him. Sometimes he feels as though someone is observing him and when he turns, he finds Chen turning his gaze away just in the nick of time. There are days when he pretends he doesn’t see the way Chen is  looking in his direction just so he can catch for himself that Chen is watching him. He doesn’t know why Chen is suddenly taking notice of him because he’s pretty sure Chen doesn’t know who he is. 

 

Even so, it surprises him when he finds Chen rolling over to his side one day. 

 

Chen is smiling at him, a little too brightly inside the somewhat dark pencil case. 

 

‘I’m Chen.’

 

‘I know.’ He replies curtly. And even with his tone, Chen’s smile doesn’t falter. 

 

‘You’re Suho, right?’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

‘It’s nice to meet you,’ He says, voice as cheery as his personality that it annoys Suho enough to make him turn away before he can reply with something harsh. 

 

He hears Chen roll away and when he chances a peek at the pen; he finds that there is a saddened look on his face as he goes back to his friends. Suho pretends his heart doesn’t ache just a little bit at the sight. 

 

 

 

 

 

Even with the way he had brushed off Chen, the pen doesn’t seem to get the message and continues to annoy Suho with mindless chatter. He doesn’t find it amusing at all as Chen usually bothers him at odd times. He doesn’t know why it has to be when he’s just woken up or when he’s about to sleep. It irritates him and makes him hate Chen just that little bit more. 

 

One of the older highlighters turns to Suho then just as Chen finishes – rather, gives up – striking a conversation with him. There’s an amused smile on his face as he watches Chen roll away from Suho before he turns his attention to the young pencil. 

 

‘It’s not like he means to disturb you at odd hours,’ He explains. ‘It’s just the only time he’s available.’ And as if to prove his point, the pencil case opens and a hand makes a grab at Chen right then and there. 

 

He looks around and notices the way all the other writing materials in the case look sympathetically at Chen and at the same time relieved. He still doesn’t understand and he can’t quite ask anyone about it because he’s too stubborn. 

 

‘Give him a chance; he’s not a bad pen.’ The highlighter finishes before rolling away, leaving Suho to his own, just as usual, just as he’s used to. 

 

When the pencil case is enveloped in darkness again, Suho sighs and thinks maybe he really should listen to his elders.

 

Chen is surprisingly not bad company, even though he talks Suho’s wooden ears off most of the time. He can sense how the others are looking at them with smiles on their faces as he humors Chen by conversing with him. He still doesn’t quite understand what’s going on and he’s beginning to think there’s an inside joke to all of this that only the elderly would know. 

 

When he asks Chen about it one time, the pen shrugs and steers the conversation to a different topic. 

 

Suffice to say, Suho thinks he’s finally made a friend, even though said friend is still the reason his dreams aren’t coming true. 

 

 

 

 

 

Suho doesn’t know whether he still hates Chen. Bit by bit, he is slowly getting know what kind of a pen Chen is and he realizes his elders were right. It makes it even harder to hate him because Chen is a nice pen. He smiles like there’s nothing wrong with the world and is sensitive to the way Suho feels about their ordeal. He even manages to make Suho smile and laugh sometimes. Now, who can hate that?

 

He thinks now he doesn’t hate Chen but the fact that Chen is always the one being used. It hurts him a lot and he can’t help but look at Chen longingly as he exits the pencil case. And the look that Chen gives him back either makes his stomach churn or his eyes tear up because it’s just as sad. There’s almost an apologetic glint to it but at the same time there is something he doesn’t understand, like a helplessness he’s never seen before. 

 

‘Do you know how pens die, Suho?’ Chen asks him out of the blue once he’s back from another writing session. He seems a bit tired but Suho doesn’t call him out on it. 

 

‘No.’

 

‘Do you know how pencils die, then?’ 

 

‘I – don’t either.’

 

Chen gives him a sad smile. ‘Do you want me to tell you?’

 

There is something about the way Chen asks that makes Suho unable to answer. He wants to know and at the same time, he doesn’t. But Chen takes his silences as an affirmation and so he continues. 

 

‘Pens and pencils have different ways of dying,’ Chen begins not looking at him. ‘A pencil’s life is shortened with each sharpen you undergo. You get weaker and older as you are used. When there is only very little of you left, and you’ve been used to the best of your abilities, you die.’ 

 

Chen looks at him then to see if Suho understands and Suho feels himself nod. 

 

‘Pens however,’ Chen gulps, ‘they die when they have no more ink left in them.’ 

 

Suho unconsciously looks at Chen’s clear plastic body. He can see the blank line that he knows is Chen’s ink. His heart almost drops when he realizes that Chen’s ink is almost half of its original length. 

 

‘A pen either dies or is lost to leave out to dry. That’s how pens die.’ Chen doesn’t smile and doesn’t look at him. He takes a deep breath and leans onto Suho. ‘I’m so tired.’

 

The action catches Suho off guard. He and Chen never really needed physical contact but he’d always noticed that Chen seemed to love to lean on other people, seemed to like being close to the bodies of other writing materials and maybe, Chen was feeling close enough to him now to freely do it with him. Something stirs in his wooden heart. 

 

Chen yawns and scoots closer to Suho and he stills as he feels every inch of Chen sidle close to him. Chen falls asleep with his whole body planted to Suho’s side and Suho doesn’t quite know what to make of the way his heart is beating so fast. Chen falls asleep faster than Suho expects and he is left to wonder how tired Chen is. It leaves Suho alone with his own thoughts. He can’t help but notice the fatigue in Chen’s face as he looks down at the pen and his heart constricts. He looks at Chen’s ink and he thinks back to Chen’s words and remembers the sad look all the elders gave Chen. Something clicks in his mind then and Suho thinks he wants to cry.

 

He gets it then the meaning of the sad looks the elders give Chen. Chen is practically sacrificing his life for them, just so they can have more chances of living. Suho leans his head on Chen’s making him stir a little. He feels guilty then for hating Chen not knowing or realizing what the pen had been going through all this time.

 

‘I’m sorry,’ Suho whispers. ‘I wish I could have helped you. I wish I could help you even now. I’m sorry.’

 

When Suho wakes up, he is greeted with the sight of Chen’s brightest smile yet and he feels like maybe he’s falling. ‘Good morning.’

 

‘Good morning.’

 

 

 

 

 

The first time Suho is used by the girl, it is during an art class and he sees Chen on the other side of the paper and the elderly eraser. Chen watches him makes lines and curves on the paper, giving him this satisfied almost proud smile. It makes Suho’s heart skip beats. It’s a good thing he is being controlled and therefore his actions aren’t deterred by his feelings. 

 

When the girl is satisfied with her drawing, she places Suho to the side where Chen and the eraser are lying. Chen rolls closer as inconspicuously as possible. The smile on his face makes Suho’s heart beat with loud thumps that it’s almost the only thing he can hear.

 

‘Congratulations,’ Chen tells him. ‘How did it feel?’

 

‘It was great,’ Suho begins with a smile. It felt great because I could see the way you looked at me and it made me feel like I could do great things.

 

‘I’m so happy for you,’ Chen says with utmost sincerity. It looks as if he may even cry. 

 

‘Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you.’ Suho means what he says and it only makes Chen’s smile brighter. And he finds that he can’t breathe properly.

 

 

 

 

 

Chen likes to fall asleep next to Suho, side by side and bodies so close it almost feels like they’re one. Suho has gotten used to it that sometimes he can’t fall asleep without Chen by his side. It puzzles Suho but he can’t seem to find the reason for this and whenever he asks someone they just smile at him and mutter something about things he doesn’t quite comprehend.

 

The girl starts using Suho a lot more now, sometimes he works alongside Chen. He draws on the paper and when the girl is satisfied, Chen inks the marks he’s left that wasn’t erased. He blushes when Chen tells him it’s almost as if they’ve indirectly kissed and Chen chuckles at his reaction. 

 

He realizes then what Chen meant about growing older as he is used and getting smaller as he is sharpened. He is still young though and still taller than Chen so he doesn’t mind. Just as long as he can continue to write and draw beside Chen, Suho thinks he’ll be fine. 

 

And that’s when it hits him how drastic his feelings have changed. How Chen isn’t just the pen who stole his dreams but is the pen who helped him accomplished it. Chen isn’t someone he hates, he is someone he loves. 

 

The realization makes him smile and when Chen looks at him and returns the smile he gives him. There are no words needed between them to know that their feelings are mutual. 

 

 

 

 

 

Suho’s greatest fear turns from not being used to losing Chen. He can feel it and so can Chen that Chen’s days are numbered, that it won’t take long, and Chen will be gone from Suho’s life. 

 

Sometimes he finds himself staring at the ink left in Chen’s body and how little it is. He makes sure to press Chen closer to him, to feel his breathing on his own wooden body just so he knows that Chen isn’t gone. At least not yet. 

 

‘What do you think is worse? Losing ink and dying or being lost to die alone?’  Chen asks Suho and it’s the first time they’ve ever talked about this that it catches Suho off guard.

 

Chen doesn’t wait for Suho’s reply and continues to speak. ‘I think I’d rather lose ink and die rather than get lost and die. I’d want to be able to see you before I die.’ 

 

The smile Chen gives him is a mix between heartbreaking and beautiful and if Suho could kiss Chen maybe he would. He opts to bump heads with him and smiles at him.

 

‘I’ll make sure I’ll be the last thing you see.’

 

They don’t talk about the impending doom of Chen’s death anymore after that. The older pens and writing materials give them pitiful looks because Chen is still so young and yet he’s leaving them all of a sudden. Suho wishes the girl could use him more just so Chen’s days will grow in number. It happens sometimes but with more and more of Chen’s ink used, Suho finds that it’s almost a futile attempt.

 

With less of Chen’s ink left, his energy is sparse and there are days when all he does is sleep beside Suho and this breaks his heart. He doesn’t want to see Chen go like this. 

 

‘I wish we could switch places just so I can have you by my side for a little longer,’ Suho whispers as Chen sleeps.

 

Chen looks up at him and smiles, ‘Don’t. I’m okay with the way things are. I’ve always seen this coming. I’m just happy that I got to know you before I die.’

 

‘Don’t say that.’

 

‘It’s going to be okay, Suho. Maybe one day we’ll meet again. Maybe we won’t be pens and pencils anymore. Maybe then we can be happier.’ There is hope in Chen’s voice and Suho clings onto it as he presses himself closer to Chen’s weak body. 

 

‘I promise then that I will make it up to you. For not talking to you sooner, for hating you at first and for everything else. I promise,’ Suho whispers and Chen closes his eyes and nods. 

 

‘I’m holding you to that,’ Chen replies before falling asleep.

 

Suho wakes up with an ominous feeling. When he looks around, Chen is nowhere to be seen and everyone is giving him sympathetic looks. He realizes it’s already so late in the morning and Chen would usually be by his side at this time because the girl has no need for him then. 

 

‘Chen?’ he calls out ignoring the pitiful looks the other things in the pencil case gives him. ‘Chen?’ He calls out a little louder.

 

‘I’m sorry, kid,’ the eraser tells him, gaining his attention. ‘The girl used him this morning and he hasn’t come back since then. She started using the blue pen just few minutes ago.’

 

It’s almost as if the world has crashed around Suho. He doesn’t need to ask questions to comprehend what the old eraser is telling him. He wishes it weren’t true though. He wishes that the girl wasn’t careless enough to lose Chen, not when he was so close to dying. He wishes he could have fulfilled Chen’s last wish of him being the last thing he saw but even that he can’t accomplish. 

 

Suho cries and no one can comfort him. No one understands what kind of pain he’s going through because no one loved Chen more than he did. 

 

 

 

 

 

Suho tries not to think of how Chen survives his last days all alone. He tries not to imagine the pain and the suffering he goes through. He likes to believe that as soon as the girl lost him, it didn’t take long for him to go. It isn’t quite impossible, so he holds on to that wish that Chen didn’t suffer as he died and that he was happy despite that he was not with him. 

 

It takes much much longer for Suho to follow Chen. The girl has not much need for the pencil and with every day that passes, Suho wishes that instead of the blue pen, the girl would choose him.

 

Eventually it happens. The girl begins to use Suho just as much as the blue pen as she begins to draft most of the things she writes and draws and Suho is almost thankful to feel the years shed away with each time he is sharpened. 

 

Death comes much sooner after that. 

 

Death isn’t the end for Suho. Suho likes to believe that death is only the beginning.

 

Death is the beginning for his happiness with Chen. 

 

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun eyes the teddy bear in the hands of the toddler playing in the sandbox. He wants the bear, he needs it and he will do absolutely anything in his power to have that bear. He moves his stubby legs towards the toddler and clears his throat to catch his attention.

 

“I want your bear.”

 

The toddler gives him a questioning look. Joonmyun doesn’t back down even as the other boy stands up and is slightly relieved to find that they’re of the same height.

 

“Well, you can’t have him.”

 

“And why not? I want him so you have to give him to me,” He defiantly says stepping forward even as the other kid steps back.

 

“Because he’s mine!” The other kid shouts and this sets Joonmyun off so he jumps to the other kid to make a grab at the bear. 

 

“Give him to me!”

 

“NO! He’s mine! Let go! You’re hurting me!”

 

“Give. Him. To. Me.” Joonmyun says as he keeps on pulling the bear and fights back the stubby arms that stop him from obtaining his desired item. 

 

There is a moment where Joonmyun has his chubby arms around the bear’s head and he uses his leg to push the other kid away effectively making him let go of the bear. The other kid ends up landing harshly on his on the sand. He looks at Joonmyun, at the bear in his hands and he bites his lip as they tremble and Joonmyun knows what comes next.

 

The other kid cries and yells for his mommy but Joonmyun is unfazed, instead he looks at the other kid with a smug smile. “You should have just given me your bear.”

 

“I want my mommy!” The other kid continues to cry as he rubs at his eyes. Joonmyun can faintly see the red scratches on his palms which may have been due to the fall. 

 

It doesn’t take long for both their moms to arrive and the other kid’s mother almost screams at Joonmyun’s mom and this scares Joonmyun because his parents have never scolded him before. He has never seen anyone so angry. His mother apologizes profusely as she shields Joonmyun from the impending wrath of the other kid’s mother. 

 

The other kid pitifully clings to his mother as she reprimands Joonmyun’s mother about disciplining her child. He can see the way he is eyeing the bear and how he looks like he still wants to cry at not being able to fight Joonmyun off soon enough. 

 

“Joonmyun honey,” his mother turns to him, bending down to his height. “Give Jongdae his bear. It’s not yours to keep.” 

 

“But I want it!” 

 

“Joonmyun, come on now, honey. Don’t talk to me like that. Aren’t you a good boy?” Joonmyun reluctantly nods. “Now, return the bear.” 

 

Joonmyun bites his lip. “Mommy promises to buy you a new one if you return the bear.”

 

This seems to get him to agree as Joonmyun takes small steps to return Jongdae his bear.

 

Jongdae hugs the bear close as soon as it falls into his hands but then he notices that his teddy bear’s head is almost falling off. 

 

The tears well in his eyes and he looks up at his mother with a desperate look. “Mommy,” he says, his voice quivering, “Snowball is broken. Mommy Snowball is dead. Mommy he killed Snowball!”

 

Jongdae begins to sob and wail much to both mothers displeasure. 

 

Joonmyun’s mother apologizes profusely and makes promises to buy Jongdae a new bear but Jongdae’s mother only smiles sadly at the two of them and tells them there’s nothing they can do but try and fix Snowball. 

 

Joonmyun hadn’t understood at the time why they couldn’t just replace Snowball. 

 

Still, when his mother had bought him a teddy bear, his mother made sure to buy one for Jongdae as well. 

 

“Make sure you give this to Jongdae tomorrow, okay Joonmyun?” 

 

Joonmyun regretfully nods knowing any sign of disobedience would lead to something as scary as Jongdae’s mother’s scolding. He shudders just thinking about it. 

 

The next day he finds Jongdae in the sandbox again with Snowball by his side.

 

Joonmyun reluctantly approaches, not really sure how to go about the whole situation because he has never had to apologize to someone before. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Joonmyun says as he hands Jongdae the bear his mother got him.

 

Jongdae looks up from his sand castle and eyes him for a second before standing up and taking the bear apprehensively. 

 

Jongdae examines the bear for a moment before deeming it safe enough for a hug. He turns to Joonmyun with the brightest smile he has ever seen.

 

"Thank you," he sincerely says before setting the bear aside to where a newly repaired Snowball is seated.

 

"I'm Jongdae," the kid introduces as he extends his stubby arm.

 

Joonmyun smiles and shakes the offered hand, "I'm Joonmyun."

 

"Do you want to play with me?" Jongdae asks settling back on the sand and Joonmyun happily nods.

 

They're making sand castles when Joonmyun notices that Snowball is fixed but he can still see the faint signs of a tear. He can't stop himself in time and finds himself asking, "Why didn't you just a buy a new bear?"

 

The question is unexpected but nonetheless Jongdae answers, "My dad gave it to me before he left for work overseas. He hasn't been home in almost a year." There’s a sad smile on Jongdae’s lips and guilt floods Joonmyun as he realizes just how precious the bear is to Jongdae and immediately he wants to make it up to the boy. But he's not really cultured in this department having been an only son.

 

"I'm sorry," he says again but Jongdae shrugs and gives him a smile.

 

"It's okay because Snowball is okay now." 

 

"Still, it's my fault he had to be repaired in the first place. I want to make it up to you," he offers and Jongdae contemplates his words for a moment before nodding.

 

"Okay, you can make it up to me by naming your bear after me," Jongdae tells him with all seriousness.

 

"What?"

 

"Your bear. I want you to name him Jongdae so that whenever you see him you will treat him nicely. It's almost like I'm him so you have to take care of him!" He says with a smirk like it's the most brilliant plan.

 

"Okay but you have to name your bear Joonmyun and you have to take care of it as well." There's a challenge in Joonmyun's tone, a challenge that Jongdae is more than willing to accept.

 

"Deal." 

Jongdae takes out his hand and shakes Joonmyun’s in agreement. Joonmyun smiles as he shakes back.

 

"Friends?" Joonmyun reluctantly says before their hands unclasp and Jongdae squeezes his small hand and giving it one last shake.

 

"Definitely!"

 

Joonmyun and Jongdae are inseparable after that. They grow up together with their bears. The bears are a symbol of lasting friendship. When they are old enough to know what love is, they find it in each other's eyes. And soon they aren’t only best friends but lovers as well. 

 

The years they spend as lovers are used to make up for lost time, a time they're not sure how they could have lost but it's alright because they wouldn't have it any other way. 

 

"I love you," Jongdae says for the last time as he closes his eyes.

 

"I love you, too," Joonmyun quickly follows just before Jongdae stops breathing and he closes his eyes feeling like he's finally fulfilled a promise he never knew he made.

 

He manages a smile just before his heart stops beating completely.

 

He can't help feeling like this was what living was supposed to be like. And he wouldn't have it any other way.