We met twenty-five years ago.

 

I first laid eyes on you at the school playground. One could hear all the squeals of children as they were pushed down the swirly slide, the laughter of the children as they ran around chasing one another, cries of triumph as they reached the highest they could on the swing set. Among those children was an odd one out – you. You were crying, outright sobbing, as you stared up at a worn, pale pink bunny in a tree. Despite your state – red, swollen eyes, snot trailing down to the side of your lips – I couldn’t help but be attracted to you. From the way your lips pouted as you tried to reach the first branch to the way your wide, doe eyes widened as you caught sight of me. You begged me, pouty lips and wide doe eyes in all if I would get your bunny down.

 

That day, I returned from the doctors with a broken arm from falling, but all I could think about was your smile when I handed you your bunny.

 

♥

 

From that day on, we became attached at the hip.

 

How we, polar opposites, became best friends, it confused everyone. I was the quiet kid that no one liked due to my sharp tongue. You were the most popular that never had a bad thing to say about anyone. 

 

I was the so called genius of the class, always excelling at mathematics, science, and what not. To be frank, you couldn’t solve a math problem if your life depended on it, but what you lacked in, you made up in art, music, history, and P.E. 

 

I was selfish, except when it came to you. You were the most selfless person I met then and now. You were caring towards everyone, but I always came first and got special treatment. You were like my mother at school – getting me lunch, tucking me in at nap time, etc. We were the closest in the class, despite our differences.

 

In return, I promised at age six that I would always be by your side and support you. 

 

♥

 

Things changed as we grew up.

 

In elementary school, it was about who had the best lunch, who bought the latest game. As we grew up, it became who was the one with the eating disorder, who bought the drugs. 

 

More peopled joined our circle, more people criticized us on our closeness and bullying got more serious, but we stuck together. You started commenting on girls and their looks, but never questioned why I never did the same. 

 

I towered over most of the students while you remained the same height for a while. You got better at studying, and I paid more attention to gaming as studying and earning the top grades became effortless. 

 

Personalities switched – I was the loud one while you shied away.

 

Changes were made yet we stuck together…until she came along.

 

♥

 

Her name was Lee Sunkyu, but everyone called her Sunny.

 

Everyone loved her…especially you. Her size was perfect – not too small, not too big. One second she was the cutest thing alive, the next she had you wanting to take her to bed. 

 

She was laid back, knew when to take a joke, what to say in the right situations. She was like you in her personality – shy, caring, selfless, smart. She was beautiful, and she captured your heart. 

 

I hadn’t hated Sunkyu, no, but I hated when you spoke her name with so much emotion, like she was a goddess and you worshiped her. I hated that look in your eyes when she passed by and that dreamy smile you got when she giggled and waved. I could only listen when you went on about how perfect she was.

 

I couldn’t do anything as my heart broke silently with every word.

 

♥

 

I wasn’t surprised when I finally admitted I loved you.

 

It was one day, when we spent our time studying in your room, when I looked up, saw you biting your lip with your eyebrows furrowed as you worked on a math problem and thought to myself, I’m in love with this man. 

 

The feeling has always been there since day one, lingering in the back of my mind. 

 

I finally understood why Appa hated when I hung out with you and why Umma would look at me with pitying eyes and a forced smile. I remember always telling you I would marry you and the feeling of being on Cloud Nine when you smiled, eyes crinkling and all. I wanted to keep that smile on your face forever and wanted to always by the reason for that smile. 

 

When I thought it wasn’t possible, my love grew for you with every passing day. The fact that I was gay didn’t bother me one bit.

 

It was the fact that you would never feel the same way.

 

♥

 

One day, with intertwined fingers, the two of you came up and announced you were dating.

 

You told me before that you were asking her out and with a forced smile, I told you good luck. It was after school when I was waiting by the gates to walk home with you - like everyday - did I see you smiling the biggest smile I have ever seen your smile. 

 

I felt my heart pound and the pain increase in my chest as you turned around and reached for her hand, ushering her along. I couldn’t find it in myself to hate her as you leaned down and kissed her cheek before finding me with your eyes. 

 

I tried to smile, I really did, but I knew by the look on your face that I failed. It was too hard. You two looked like the perfect couple and I envied her. How I envied to be the one holding your hand so tightly, to be the one with my cheek kissed.

 

That was the first day since we met that we didn’t walk home together.

 

♥

 

Two year later, you showed up at my window, grinning while offering me a bottle of soju to celebrate.

 

Through drunken tears and stumbled speech, you told me about how she cheated on you with a senior for the past five months. 

 

I gathered you in my arms, shushing your harsh cries, and running my hand through your hair like I always did when you would cry. 

 

My heart clenched as I watched you break at the hands of another, watched you force yourself to think that you weren’t good enough for her when it was the complete opposite. 

 

I bit my lip and tried to contain how perfect I thought you were; how you deserved the best. 

 

Soon your sobs died down to quiet hiccups and you looked up at me from my lap, eyes glazed as they jumped over my face. I watched as you raised a shaking arm and cupped my cheek. 

 

I let the tears fall as you brushed your thumb over my lower lip and murmured, ‘I wish I had fallen for you, Kyu.’ 

 

That night we both cried for something we didn’t have.

 

♥

 

For the next two weeks, you would show up with a pack of soju and fresh tears trailing down your face.

 

I learned by then to stop being surprised when a head would fall onto my lap and my thigh quickly soaked with tears. 

 

You never said anything – you would just lay there, tears leaking out the side of your eyes and your fingers unconsciously running up and down my calf. Words weren’t needed as we lay there, looking up at the ceiling with your head in my lap and my fingertips drumming lightly on your stomach. 

 

Despite the circumstances of the situation, I couldn’t help but trick myself into believing you may have liked me as you looked up with downcast eyes and slipped your hand into mine, simply resting it on your stomach. I fooled myself into believing I had a chance as I leaned down, eyes closing as I brushed my lips against your parted mouth, simply hovering, waiting for a negative reaction. 

 

When I got none, I pressed down harder, using our intertwined hands to brush your cheeks. Tears dripped onto your face, mixing with your own as you responded. I could feel the despair, the heartache, the desperation in each movement. And for that one night, I tried helplessly to forget that we were both heartbroken men using each other to mend inconsolable hearts.

 

Your side of the bed the next morning was empty; warm, but empty.

 

♥

 

That same morning, rumors spread that you and Sunny got back together.

 

I didn’t believe it; I didn’t want to believe it. You wouldn’t do that do me. Not after last night. But I had to remember that you were drunk and brokenhearted. 

 

The kiss meant nothing, no matter how hard I wanted it to. 

 

I wanted to find you and confirm that it wasn’t true, that all these rumors were just rumors. Lunch came around and I rushed to our spot, our spot, only to find you and Sunny lying together, hand intertwined and her head resting on your chest. 

 

All I could think about was how I was the one holding you just last night, your head resting in my lap and our hand intertwined. 

 

Your head turned towards me, mouth parting in surprise as you laid eyes on me.

 

I spun on my heels, ignoring the somber look in your eyes and my name coming from your lips.

 

♥

 

You were there, sitting Indian style on my bed when I came in that night.

 

I asked you why, after all she did, why you took her back. I was tired of crying, but I couldn’t stop the tears from my eyes as I kept repeating that one word – why. 

 

You turned your head away, silent. 

 

I told you to get out, but you refused vehemently. 

 

I screamed at you, grabbing my pillows and hit you over and over again, telling you to get out but you still shook your head with tears silently rolling down your face. 

 

My hits slowly turned lethargic before the pillow hung from my grip and I panted from the effort. You got off the bed and cautiously took the pillow from my hand, gently placing it back where it belonged before turning back to me and raising both arms to cup my cheeks.

 

For once it was just you comforting me as I cried.

 

♥

 

Time went by as if none of those events happened.

 

Years passed. High-school was over and we moved into college. College was soon over and we were into the new world. Every time you and Sunny fought, you would barge into my apartment, drunk and it would start all over again. Your head in my lap, hands intertwined, and you would kiss me. 

 

Sometimes I wondered if you were actually drunk, but I would rather believe that you were. Sunny would pester you, dropping non-subtle hints on marriage before you snapped and proposed. 

 

You awkwardly asked me to be your best man and with a tight, forced smile I accepted. 

 

The wedding was small, kind-of depressing. You hesitated before saying “I do”, looking down before looking back at Sunny with a pained expression. 

 

And finally, I found myself hating Sunny for tearing us apart.

 

We met 25 years ago.

 

For 25 years, I have loved you.

 

For 25 years, I have stood by your side.

 

For 25 years, I have silently cried.

 

And for years to come, I continue to love you.

 

I continue to stand by your side.

 

I continue to cry.

 

For years to come, I, Cho Kyuhyun, continue to love you, Lee Sungmin.