1

 

Jongin woke up to the sound of his husband's snore. Rubbing his tired eyes, he flipped over to look at his loved one and softly chuckled at the other's cuteness; His usually bubbly husband was sleeping so soundly and some drool was forming at his mouth. Jongin used his thumb to gently, wipe the drool away from Kyungsoo's lips. He then decided that it was time to wake up. Jongin rose up from his bed and carassed Kyungsoo's cheek.

 

"Rise and shine, Soo."

 

"Mm..." Kyungsoo mumbled to Jongin, promising to wake up 5 minutes later. It was one of the typical mornings where Jongin woke up before Kyungsoo, waking the older and the older will ask for more time for his sleep. 

 

"Come on baby, wake up; It's getting late and my tum is empty." Jongin pouted. Only ageyo and some baby words from Jongin could send Kyungsoo surrendering his sleep time.

 

"Fine... You win! I'll go make breakfast." Kyungsoo croaked as he threw both arms in the air.  And that was followed by an ecstatic Jongin whooping for joy.

 

"You know I love you, Soo?"

"Yeah, right. You always say this when I make food for you." Kyungsoo grunted as he took the chopping board from the kitchen counter. 

"No, I mean it Kyungsoo. I really love you and that's all that I can say. It's really true."

"I do love you too, Jonginie."

"Only today?!"

"No, in my lifetime."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2

Kyungsoo studied the patterns that was skillfully carved on the teacup that he himself made. Using his finger to trace out the leaves that were carved, Kyungsoo found himself smiling. It was a symbol of his and Jongin's love. Their love. The porcelain teacup that they had made and carved out together. The porcelain teacup that they had made with their love, laughter and a huge amount of hardwork.

 

It was their love. Nothing could replace that love they shared.

 

Kyungsoo placed the teacup on a shelf. He shivered as thoughts of how the teacup he and Jongin made, drop crossed his mind. Not wanting his cluminess to break the 'edvidence of him and Jongin's love', Kyungsoo hurriedly place the porcelain back on the shelf. Looking at the porcelain teacup, Kyungsoo wondered, maybe, just maybe, will their love shatter, like how the teacup would shatter when dropped?

 

Hopefully...Not?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3

Jongin looked at the teacup that stood proudly at the shelf. The 'edvidence of him and Kyungsoo's love' was litterally written all over the teacup. Jongin let out a manly chuckle before taking the porcelain teacup off the shelf. Using his thumb to gloss over the delicate designs he and Kyungsoo had carved, he suddenly craved for some coffee. Looking at the teacup, Jongin laughed.

 

Looks like I'll be using our love first!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4

As Kyungsoo was quietly sipping tea, a loud crash could be heard in the house, making Kyungsoo drop his cup of tea. The China broke into a million pieces, and hot tea spilled onto the carpeted floor. Not caring about the mess he made, Kyungsoo silently stood up to inspect where the source of the noise had come from. He walked slowly towards the kitchen, and saw a flustered Jongin on the floor, trying to pick up a mess of porcelain, coffee and blood. 

 

Upon closer inspection, it was the porcelain teacup with leave patterns; Their 'edvidence of love', the teacup they had made with sweat, laughter and love.

 

Kyungsoo immediately ran towards his husband and grabbed both of his hands. 

 

"Don't do it. I will clear up this mess." Kyungsoo stated firmly. One could mistake that Kyungsoo was angry with Jongin for breaking the porcelain teacup that he had painstakingly made, but Kyungsoo, in fact, could only be worried about the younger's safety. 

 

Jongin took it as Kyungsoo was angry with him as Kyungsoo had spoken to him in a stern tone. "Kyungsoo, I'm sorry! I... I was just t-tired and dizzy. I'm really sorry, Kyungsoo. We will do one now. Let's go mak-"

 

"No Jongin, I'm not angry with you. I know you are tired from your work, I don't blame you. Really. Now, go clean up your hands and I will clear this mess."

 

"You sure you're not angry with me, Soo?" Jongin asked Kyungsoo timidity. Judging from how serious Kyungsoo sounded, Jongin was scared. He was scared, because, boy, if you ever see Kyungsoo flare up, then you're pretty much ed up.

 

"Yes Jongin, go wash your hands. There's another mess in the living room and I don't want you to touch it." Kyungsoo instructed as he took a broom from the attic. Jongin, in the meantime, staggered his way to the bathroom in the master bedroom. Everything around him started to swirl.

 

What on earth is happening to me?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5

 

As time passed, Jongin started to have frequent headaches and his eyesight is getting worse and worse. He couldn't remember his dance steps and occasionally, he would faint while dancing. The company gave him few weeks of leave but that didn't even help his headache at all. Not to say that the spectacles and contact lenses Jongin had tried didn't help him in his eyesight at all. Painkillers were just useless, massages were of no help, tonic wasn't a solution either. 

 

During that period of time, Kyungsoo had been fretting around, cooking food such as carrots, soup, essences to help Jongin. And there's Jongin, always telling Kyungsoo that he was alright, and should 'take a chill pill'; Because Kyungsoo was just getting skinner as the days passed. 

 

"Jongin, I hate it when you pretend that everything's alright when in fact, you are clearly NOT okay." Kyungsoo was getting angry and tears start to brim in his big, doe eyes. 

 

"Okay, Soo. I will visit the doc's tomorrow morning. Alright, baby Soo? Don't cry, Soo. I know you are a strong guy so stop crying, okay?" At least that statement help Kyungsoo to calm down a little. With a jittery voice, he asked Jongin,"You sure?"

 

"Don't worry Soo. I will go and it would be alright." Jongin once again comforted his sobbing husband, patting his back with a gentle force. 

 

"Okay... Jonginie, let's go sleep now. It's late." Kyungsoo stood up and held Jongin's two hands, gesturing to him that it was late and he should retire for the night. 

 

"No, Soo. You go sleep first. I'm not sleeping that early." Joking whispered as he patted Kyungsoo's ; a gesture to tell him that he should go ahead without him first. As the younger sat in his armchair, he wished that everything that happen tomorrow would turn out fine. 

 

Hopefully, it would be fine. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6

 

Jongin fiddled with his fingers as he waited for the doctor to tell him his check-up results. The doctor was wearing a frown while clicking his mouse many times. Something told Jongin that it wouldn't be the desired result that he was hoping for.

 

"Mr Kim, I'm sorry to say, you have a tumor in your brain for a few years already, and it's in the forth stage."

 

That was it. The misirable fate that our poor Jongin friend here has to accept.

 

But why didn't he knew there was a tumor in his brain? But now was not the time for him to care about these kind of things. He couldn't go around telling people that he had a tumor. That would be absurd. Who does that? He couldn't tell anyone about his tumor.

 

Why?

 

One person. Kyungsoo.

 

Jongin was worried that if he told anyone, they might tell Kyungsoo all about it. He did not want to be a burdern to Kyungsoo. Usually in dramas, this kind of stuff would happen. But now, Jongin truly knows how it feels like to be put in that situation.

 

He felt that he was a burden to himself, and if he thinks so like this, then he would be a huge burden to Kyungsoo. So he needs to make this unknown to Kyungsoo. And stay away from Kyungsoo's life.

 

Jongin knew that it was very selfish for him to do so, but it was only the closest to a 'win-win'situation.

 

And that was a divorce.

 

 

 

 

 

Night time came, and Jongin dragged his soulless body back home. For the whole day, he had been planning how to carry out his plan and succeed, but to no avail. So he decided to just go with the flow. With trembling hands, Jongin twisted the doorknob, and was greeted by a bubbly Kyungsoo. Apparently, Kyungsoo was excited yet scared about the result of Jongin's check-up. Yet something told Kyungsoo that it was going to be good news for him, and that was the reason for the cheerful Kyungsoo who was hugging his husband ever so tightly. 

 

"How's the test?"

"Fine. The result was good." Jongin lied and faked a smile as he forced himself to hug Kyungsoo back, with some unwillingness and a bit of annoyance. The usually observant Kyungsoo was too happy to even distinguish if Jongin was truly smiling or he was faking his way. 

 

"I'm tired Kyungsoo. Let's go sleep now."

"Okay!" Kyungsoo's excitement had not even died down yet. He was just really glad for his husband and himself. Jongin's alright, he is happy. But had he known what's going to greet him in the future, then he wouldn't be smiling so brightly now.

 

As they settled down in each other's embrace, Kyungsoo couldn't help but to chuckle. His excitement was still lingering and he burried his face in Jongin's chest. Jongin could only look at Kyungsoo with sadness and disappointment in his eyes. Oh, how he wished that he didn't have that stupid tumor in his damn brain. How he wished that they could laugh together and enjoy each other's company now.

 

"Jongin, will you forever be with me and love me, always?" Kyungsoo asked. That question struck Jongin hard. Hard. He wished he could. He wished that was reality, but now, with Jongin's condition, it was impossible. Jongin didn't want to lie; If Kyungsoo knew it was all a lie then he would be hurt, yet Jongin couldn't tell Kyungsoo about it; He would cry. Jongin couldn't say no; it would hurt Kyungsoo a lot. So the best way was to shut up.

 

Hearing no response from his husband, Kyungsoo asked (with his head burried deep in Jongin's chest),"Jonginie, are you asleep?" Jongin quickly shut his eyes. If Kyungsoo's head were to be up, then it would be totally an epic akward fail. 

 

"Jonginie?" Kyungsoo lifted his head up from Jongin's chest and saw a sleeping Jongin. "So you're asleep," Kyungsoo whispered. Kyungsoo lifted his heard higher, his lips meeting Jongin's. "I will always love you, my Jongin. Even you are a fool at times."

 

And that definitely made Jongin so very guilty. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7

 

Jongin woke up and started to pack his luggage . He intended to leave the house for a few days. It was part of his plan, and in hope that when he leaves, Kyungsoo would doubt his love and the rest are easy to carry on. Jongin slowly crept out of the bed, cringing when the springs in the bed made a noise.

 

If Kyungsoo wakes up, then his plan would be thwarted. And he didn't fancy that idea.

 

After Jongin had pack his luggage, he took out a post-it-note and with trembling hands he wrote down a note for his husband. No words of concern were included. It was anonymous.  

I will not be in town for a few days. 

 

 

Like what Jongin had wished, Kyungsoo was starting to doubt Jongin's love for him. He left so suddenly, and when Kyungsoo read the note Jongin had anonymously left him, he felt that Jongin couldn't give a damn about Kyungsoo and his feelings; no simple words like "I love you", "I'll be back soon", "take care of your health when I'm gone". Nothing at all. It was just a plain notice of his departure.

 

Kyungsoo was of course, sad, disappointed and angry. Not at his husband, but at himself. He might have not taken enough care of him so he decided to leave. But there was another possibility; Jongin needed to go overseas for his work, since Jongin was an entertainer while Kyungsoo did pottery for a living. Kyungsoo wished that it was the latter but whenever Jongin goes overseas, he would inform Kyungsoo beforehand and make love with him before he leaves. Or something like that.

 

But this was completely different. 

 

 

 

A week later, Jongin had the divorce letters ready, and had hired a lawyer. As he made his way back home, no; Kyungsoo's house, tears start to brim his eyes. Jongin knew that he would cry in front of Kyungsoo and so, he created a brilliant plan.

If Jongin cries, he'd say that his contact lenses are wattery and so he will excuse himself to the toilet to "put on a new contact lense". And it repeats if he cries again.

If Jongin is crying, his eyes would turn puffy. So he decided to say he has a headache and that causes his eyes to sting. He would pretend to rub his eyes and take out his bottled water, and his tablet box(which are just full of tic-tacs), and make it look like he is taking his medication.

 

As Jongin trudged along the stone cobbled pathway to Kyungsoo's house, the smell of the gentle fusion of lavender and white poppies had Jongin hestitating if he should continue with his plan. It would be such a bliss if Jongin could just drop everything and run back to the place which he would call "home"(if that happens) and once again love Kyungsoo openly.

 

But he could not.

 

Because to his plan, there were 'rules', and one of them was not to love Kyungsoo openly. The most Jongin could do was to discreetly, love him. Gripping on the divorce papers, Jongin briskly walked past the flowers, and saw the pair of swing that he and Kyungsoo had specially carved the wood out and build it when they first moved into this house.

 

"Hey Soo, the garden here looks so empty."

"That's because it's big, silly!"

"But a garden should be made into a garden, right?"

"So, what do you intend to do?" Kyungsoo asked with a quizzical expression on his face, while smiling. He liked Jongin's creativity as he always gives outstanding yet bizarre theories, solution and ideas. But the idea of "bizarre" in people's heads would change into the admired "unique". In this case, Kyungsoo knows that Jongin would give him a wacky and impossible idea; which Jongin believes that he could accomplish it, and Voila! He could.

 

Kyungsoo waited silently for Jongin at the side of the gardening field. Placing both hands at his sides, Kyungsoo smiled as he think of some crazy ideas that Jongin could come out with; and none of them were as crazy as compared to Jongin's ideas.

 

Kyungsoo's jaw dropped when he heard what Jongin had planned to do. It was crazy, but not the "crazy" that he was expecting.

 

The 'normal' way of Jongin's thinking was to think way out of the box, something crazy. But the 'crazy' him was that he wanted to do the normal and simple things.

 

And it was that type of crazy; Jongin wanted to build a pair of swings.

 

Swings were too ordainary, but with the fact that Jongin wants to 'hunt' for the materials and build it with Kyungsoo definitely made the idea a bit unique with a little spark. Because most people out there would either buy the swing or buy the materials to build the swing, and Jongin's idea was to get a pair of swings created from their own hands. Not only that, the things that made the work so appealing; because it was romantic.

 

It was romantic.

 

Spending time under the hot sun building two twin swings for a pair of lovers, if one of them got hurt, then the other could tenderly care for the other, showing affection. And if both got injured, they could roll on the floor and laugh from the depth of their souls.

 

Those tiny, little thngs were the ones that made the work so enjoyable, so loving, and fun. When they got their end product, the pair was really glad and started to sit on the swings, teasing and laughing together...

 

Jongin could only clench his fist tighter, causing the papers in his hands to crumple even more. He felt so guilty and miserable. He wanted to be with Kyungsoo till the end of his life. He wanted a beautiful ending with Kyungsoo. He wanted their ending to be nothing but perfect.

 

Too bad it was not cut out to be like that.

 

Jongin inhaled deeply and lifted his head, wiping the little bits of tears in his eyes and started to walk really quickly. It was too quick to be called a "brisk walk", or too slow to be called a jog. In no time, he reached the red, wooden door.

 

Red, he and Kyungsoo's favorite colour.

 

For once, Jongin even forgot why he was doing this and really wanted to scream out loud and curse. As he let those trail of thoughts run, he remembered that it was very wrong of him to do what he wanted if he wanted Kyungsoo to be stress free. 

 

As Jongin tightly gripped onto the doorknob, not ready to face Kyungsoo, the said guy appeared at the front door. 

 

"Jongin! Where had you been?" Kyungsoo jumped up and down, just too glad to see his husband back. 

"Let's go into the house first. We need to talk and my legs are tired." Jongin tried to sound as harsh as possible and almost shoved Kyungsoo out of his way. Jongin winced as he almost pushed Kyungsoo with his built body while Kyungsoo was looking at Jongin in confusion. Why is he like this so suddenly?

 

Jongin sat on one end of the rectangular coffee table,"Kyungsoo, sit on the other end."

 

Unfortunately, Jongin's voice sounded more like a croak- The kind of voices you hear after crying. Jongin knew that he was about to cry and so he cleared his throat, "I had a really bad sore throat."

 

"Oh." Was what Kyungsoo said. Seeing his husband so gloomy, Kyungsoo thought that he should just keep quiet and stay emotionless.

 

Jongin fiddled with his fingers. He still had a problem telling Kyungsoo what he needed; it's not a want as Jongin did NOT want this to happen, he needed it to happen. Although Kyumgsoo's polker face did help in the mood, but it definately did not help Jongin in his confidence level.

 

And Jongin had decided to make it fast and quick. It would not hurt as much.

"Kyungsoo... Here are the papers." Jongin shifted the divorce apers across the coffee table, and Kyungsoo's gaze uncomfortably shifted from Jongin's fingers to the papers.

 

It was a huge surprise for Jongin; He expected Kyungsoo to scream and shout at him or cry and create a heavoc everywhere, but all Kyungsoo did was sign the papers, and jotted something down on a piece of fresh A6 size paper. Kyungsoo shifted the divorce papers as well as his note over to Jongin.

 

Jongin had never felt soo guilty. Even if he murdered the Queen of England, he would not feel as guilty as now. Because, although Kyungsoo is really calm now but Jongin could see, deep in Kyungsoo's eyes, he was crying and fighting back tears. It was inhumane of Jongin to do this.

 

Jongin looked down at the note that Kyungsoo had given him. If this is your wish then I will not object to it. Guilt traced Jongin's heart. He was lost for words.

 

Kyungsoo took out another fresh peice of paper and wrote on it. He then passed it to Jongin.

 

Do you have an accommodation?

 

"Yes, Kyungsoo. I have found a place for me to stay." Jongin could hear himself whisper. He didn't use the nickname that he had created for Kyungsoo, and he struggled to say out Kyungsoo's full name.

 

Jongin had indeed found a place for him to stay: The hospital. It was a sad place for him to stay because, apparently, Jongin IS going to die there, not in the house where he spent 3 years and made beautiful memories. He had a sad life.

 

And Kyungsoo's couldn't be any sadder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

 

Kyungsoo had fallen sick since Jongin left him; coughing out blood, loss of appetite and was getting quite skinny. He insisted on not seeing a doctor whenever his friends had requested him to see one.

 

Because he claimed that he was okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo smiled.

He still could feel his husband's warm breath in his ears,

and he was grateful for that.

 

 

That he could still have the crystal clear memory of Jongin whispering to him. 

He was very grateful.

 

 

Because it was one of the memories that Kyungsoo can enjoy it so much. That was one out of the thousands memories Kyungsoo shared with Jongin that will make him happy; Unlike the other ones which will make Kyungsoo cry.

 

 

Kyungsoo thought Kai had stopped loving him.

 

 

It wasn't.

 

 

Jongin had never stopped loving Kyungsoo. Jongin still loves Kyungsoo He had his reasons for doing so. No one knows why, why had filed a divorce. He had harshly, and coldly left Kyungsoo alone, in hope that Kyungsoo will hate him.

 

 

Yes, Kyungsoo hates Jongin.

 

 

But he loves him.

 

 

It was a love that was so great till the extend that you hate him. Loving him to the point of hating him; It really hurts for Kyungsoo. 

 

 

It was a sad sad life for Kyungsoo

Because he could see his life pathed out for him. His life was just a road full of sadness.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo though how the teacup had shattered, just like how their love had shattered.

 

Well...

 

It wasn't like how Kyungsoo had imagined; Their love was over.

 

Kyungsoo have yet to know the truth.

 

Because nothing is as it seems.

 

 

---

 

Jongin sat on the hospital bed and with a framed photo of him and Kyungsoo. They used to be so happy, but what's left now were a bunch of memories and some tears. Jongin closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the pillow. The tears rode and fell along Jongin's cheeks were wetting his pillow. He ponders though all his drenched-in-tears memories and had his last smile.

 

I'm afraid I can't keep loving you till the day you leave this world. I have to leave first.

 

A sad smile.

 

---

 

Kyungsoo sat down on the stool and started to look at the delicate porcelain teacup he had made a few days ago. He still remembered the day when Jongin dropped the teacup they had made previously, and Jongin wanted to do another one.

 

Kyungsoo immediately ran towards his husband and grabbed both of his hands. 

 

"Don't do it. I will clear up this mess." Kyungsoo stated firmly.

 

"Kyungsoo, I'm sorry! I... I was just t-tired and dizzy. I'm really sorry, Kyungsoo. We will do one now. Let's go mak-"

 

"No Jongin, I'm not angry with you. I know you are tired from your work, I don't blame you. Really. Now, go clean up your hands and I will clear this mess."

 

It was such a great thing to love and care for him again, but Kyungsoo couldn't.

Kyungsoo even wondered what was life if he didn't have Jongin. He tried so many words and phrases to fit in that reason to his question.

 

And one day, it just struck Kyungsoo. The answer he had bee waiting for.

 

A sad melody.

 

But the new problem was; what was the definition of it?

Kyungsoo had been thinking of that for a really long time, and he could not find anything that fits perfectly for the 'Sad Melody'.

 

He needed a very deep definition, because he knew that a sad melody was something that could not only be described in simple words or actions It was way much more than that.

 

As he was deep in thought, he heard a knock at the door. Kyungsoo slowly rose up, and step by step he unsteadily walked towards the now, red-chipped painted door. It was the mailman. He left a letter in Kyungsoo's hands before he left. Kyungsoo eyed the envelope suspiciously. Why would someone give him letters?

 

Kyungsoo tore open the envelope and looked at it. There was a short message, and the familar, chic handwriting that Kyungsoo could recognize hit his heart. He realised that the words were crooked, and the sentences  were not at all very fluent.  As he read, he could feel each part of his heart go numb.

 

To the Kyungsoo that I love,

The laywer must have told you about my tumor, did he? No?

Actually, I had a tumor in my brain.

They say it was incurable.

I'm sorry, if you are angry.

Please do not hate me. I have my own reasons.

Please understand.

I'll be waiting for you in other worlds and guard you

I still love you, and I always will.

Jongin

 

Kyungsoo cried. He finally knew what was going on. Why Jongin was sick, why he wanted a divorece... It all fitted like a puzzle.

 

Tears came.

His sad melody was playing.

And Kyungsoo knew what was his sad melody.

A sad melody had no definite definition.

 

But Kyungsoo had found one for himself. It was his tragic love story. He finally could hear it, feel it, see it and own it.

 

But he can't enjoy it. And he didn't want to have it.

It caused him pain.

With one violent cough, Kyungsoo laid on the ground, spluttering blood all over the place and closed his eyes.

 

 

And he never woke up.

 

 

 

 

 

“

A sad melody has no defination.

And you have to find one for it before 

you can claim it as yours.

              „

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Please read the author's note before asking any questions.