It may come as a surprise but I knew what the Love of my life looked like when he walked through the door into my high school homeroom. Introducing himself with a gummy smile that seemed to leave an imprint on everyone’s mind and heavily on mine. The Love of my life had a deep voice that was so recognizable that I would be able to pick it out distinctively among the other distractive noises in the world. A deep voice that was so memorable to my ears that it can send my heart fluttering just from the simple act of calling my name. The Love of my life had a bright personality that shone whenever he spoke to or joked with his friends. The Love of my life had his own love, a hobby that separated him from all the average kids in the school. I would hear him spending hours rapping the same line until he got it right. He would listen to the same beat to make sure it was exactly the way he wanted. I would see the occasional hair-pulling because of the frustration to make it perfect, even though it was always perfect to me. Although he didn’t notice, the Love of my life would always send my mind into a frenzy whenever he would lock eyes with me and it would always take forever and everything I have within me to tear my gaze from his.

So when the Love of my life asked me for my number, I readily gave it to him, should I have not done that? Maybe if I had said no at the first chance I was given, there would have been no reason to get closer to each other and I wouldn’t be feeling this immense loss that drilled me in my heart, mind, and soul. It wouldn’t have made me feel like the mess I am today.

That small decision was the catalyst.

The very catalyst which sent my life to the happiest top and finally to the tragic low and it was all because of the Love of my life named Bang Yong Guk.

***

“Hey! Wait up!”

I turned around at the deep voice that sent my heart beating fast within my chest. He came to a stop and gave me that gummy smile that made me happy simply because I was the one to receive it. “Hey.” My voice thankfully hid my giddiness but the pounding in my chest was so loud that he had to have heard it. I clenched my hands to somehow attempt to slow my heartbeat down but it failed miserably.

His gummy smile faltered slightly before he started to speak. “Umm, see I have these movie tickets and you know – “ He took a deep breath before continuing again. “ –I overheard how much you wanted to see it and since I have no one to go with – “ He looked down at his feet. “ - If you would like to, would you like to come with me… as in a date?”

He played with his hands while waiting for my answer. I saw how my slow response would make the blush creep up his face quicker in response. The delayed response wasn’t because I had to think about it or anything, but simply because I couldn’t believe it was happening. I’ve imagined and wished for this for so long and it was just…unbelievable.

When I made sure my voice wouldn’t stutter, I answered. “I would love to Yong Guk.”

I giggled at the way relief flashed across his face and his shoulders immediately relaxed. He didn’t know how long I waited for him to ask me. He had nothing to worry about because I would have said yes to any way he chose to ask me. If he had asked me to go to see a baseball game with him, I would have said yes without a second thought. And I absolutely hate baseball.

Should I have not done that? Maybe if I had said no with this second chance, I wouldn’t be filled with these memories that remain vivid in my mind, so vivid that it would bring a flood of tears to my eyes at anything that may remind me of our dates together, our time together. These were memories that refused to be erased or leave no matter how much I drink myself into oblivion, because at the first sign of consciousness, they will come rushing back and the nasty cycle begins again.

***

Our first kiss or kisses, I should say, was just as memorable as the day he asked me out on our first date. I remembered how perfectly his lips fit against mine. I remembered how addicting it was. And I remembered how my love for him grew as he nervously told me his feelings. If I thought that he asking me out on a date was bad then now it was beyond terrible. He looked like he would collapse any second from nervousness and it only made me endear him more because I saw how genuine his feelings were and it made me ask, why am I so lucky?

Yong Guk kept shifting nervously from side to side and before he could even ask for permission or wimp out, I took the opportunity to step forward and lean on my tippy toes to plant a smooch on him instead. If he ended up being scared and just shook my hand to end this date, I think I would have died from frustration. So in order to not let the chance pass, I took it upon myself to get what I wanted.

I leaned back on my heels and grinned. “I really wanted one.” I saw how surprised he was and it immediately sent me in a fit of laughter.

I gasped when he reached out, cupping my face to pull me into a second kiss, then another one, and then another one. Now it was my turn to be surprised at his sudden bravery. “One isn’t enough.” He gave me that same gummy smile that never ceases to send my heart into doing flips. I chuckled at how cute he was standing in front of me and I placed my attention back on him when he cleared his throat. “Umm, this is our third date now and– “ He took a deep breath. “– I really –you’re a really wonderful girl and– “ I knew where this was going and I knew how hard it was for Yong Guk to come out with what he wanted to say. At this rate, it will be morning before he finished his thought.

“Yong Guk…” He closed his mouth and waited for what I wanted to say. He was probably relieved that he could take a slight break before it was his turn to finally let me hear his thoughts. “It can’t be that hard to say three measly words.” I gave him a soft encouraging smile.

“I really like you.” He blurted and suddenly narrowed his eyes at me. “They’re not ‘three measly words’–” He mimicked me in a high pitched voice. “I don’t sound like that.” I cut in but he ignored me. “–they are four very significant words.”

I gave it a thought. “Well, Yong Guk, I can’t tell you my feelings in ‘four very significant words’.” He furrowed his eyebrows. I stepped inside my door and turned to face him. “Because I really, really like you. So I guess five significant words will suffice for now.” I smiled at him.

He stopped me from closing the door on him. “So does that mean you’re my….umm–“

“Yes boyfriend, that’s what it means. Now let your girlfriend go in and sleep.” I . He leaned in and gave me one more peck. “Then, I’ll see you tomorrow girlfriend.”

Now looking back at that moment, should I have not done that? I was given a third chance to say no and if I had said no and that I couldn’t possibly be his girlfriend, the relationship could have stopped there and it wouldn’t have further progressed. Maybe if I ended up turning him down, he wouldn’t speak to me ever again. That way, my feelings for him could have stopped, my thoughts about him could have stopped, and my heart would have remained intact.

***

“Why don’t you just move in with me?” Yong Guk asked me as we walked hand in hand on the snowy path that led to his campus apartment.

I thought for a second, it didn’t seem like a bad idea but it was a big decision to make so suddenly. “Why can’t we just keep the same arrangements we have now?”

“Because since we always end up sleeping at one another’s place, why don’t we just make it easier and stay in one home?” He gave me those infamous pleading eyes that would always make me forgive him no matter how mad I was at him or give in even when I desperately didn’t want to.

“Please?”

“But–“

“Please?”

And like I predicted, it didn’t take long until I gave in. “How soon?” I smiled at him.

“As soon as possible.” He gave me a quick peck. “We can start moving your stuff into my apartment and–“

“Why does it have to be your apartment?”

“My kitchen is bigger, don’t you like cooking?”

I looked at him surprised. “Yeah I do.” Yong Guk always thought of me first and it never ceases to touch me when he does that. “I hope you don’t regret asking me.” I chuckled.

A deep laugh resonated from him. “I would be too happy to regret it.” He looked at me affectionately. “I think I would like my mornings a whole lot better.”

I scrunched up my face. “Please don’t tell me you were going to finish it with, ‘because I’ll be waking up next to you.’” That line was so cheesy and I HOPE to God he wouldn’t say that.

He laughed. “No, I was actually going to say because you could cook me breakfast and that would just be awesome.”

I stared at him in disbelief. “What?” I shoved him away playfully. “I would have preferred the cheesy line!” He laughed out loud and ran after me when I walked away from him.

“It would be even more amazing if it’s going to be ramyun all the time!”

“Seriously Yong Guk?” It’s always ramyun with him. “And I can’t believe that’s the only reason why you want me to move in!”

“I was just joking!” He continued to laugh.

“No you weren’t!” He continued to pester me in believing him and I wasn’t going to give in this time.

Eventually I did. Obviously.

Should I have not done that? Maybe if I had said no with this fourth chance, I wouldn’t be spending sleepless nights looking at the empty spot that now keeps me company. I wouldn’t be reaching out to touch it expecting warmth but am only welcomed by the coldness of the spot. I wouldn’t be imagining him lying next to me and then when I realize he was no longer there, feel like having a hole punched through my chest. There were no longer arms that would reach out for me and pull me into an embrace. There is no longer a heartbeat against my ear to lull me to sleep or late night discussions that we didn’t have time for during the day. And there wasn’t Yong Guk to kiss away the tears that have already begun to form because of missing him so much.

***

“Will you marry me?” Yong Guk gazed up at me on one knee. I placed my hand over my mouth from shock. There was absolutely no thought, my mind was blank. The scene of him kneeling in front of me resembled too much of a dream.

I saw how his hands shook holding the ring up to me from nervousness and his face begging me to say yes and it brought tears to my eyes.

We have been living with each other for two years now and today marked the day we both graduate from college. Besides having graduation to define this special today, it would be today that Yong Guk asked me that life-changing question that brought happy tears to my eyes and had me screaming out “Yes, a thousand times yes!” I watched as he slipped the beautiful ring onto my finger. What made it better was the gummy smile that broke out before he rushed to hug me where I felt the nervousness leaving his body. And like the first time saying yes to the date, I didn’t care how he prepared to ask me to marry him, I would have said yes no matter what, even if he presented me a cheap fake ring because it was the feelings behind it that made me say yes and simply because we love each other. He held me against him as he kissed me over and over again to thank me for wearing the ring tha