Maybe this is my cue. A sign that I should give up.  

The way you two kiss and savor each other’s lips are enough for me to know that you still love him. That you never gotten over him after all the times we’ve been together. That you just used me. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at you; in fact I don’t even harbor any hatred towards you. I still love you just the same.

 No, I have loved you more now. I love you too much to the point I’m willing to let you go and let the pain engulf me alone. I’d rather took all the pain than to see you get hurt. Yes, I love you way too much. And I never regret falling in love with you even if I’m hurting whenever I see you.

I already know for the first time that my love will never reach you but I still tried in hope that maybe, just maybe you’ll open up your heart and learn to love me. I just got to be patient and persistent but just like my first thought, we never did last. Or in this case, I didn’t last to hold on to this relationship as I finally gave up.

I gave up not because I’m tired of loving you but because I finally realized that you deserve better. You deserve someone who will love you better than I did. Someone who will take care of you more than I did. Someone who you will love back. And that someone is him. But remember, I will always love you.

I will cherish all the times we spent together, starting from the little things up to the precious moments. I will forever keep it in my heart.  For you were the one who brought light to my life and showed me the true meaning of happiness.

If someone would ask me to spell ‘happiness’, I would spell your name. Why? Because you define happiness. You are my happiness.

And if someone would ask me to spell ‘pain’, then I would also spell your name. Why again? Because you showed me that loving you was painful. So painful. So beautifully painful.

Tears streamed down my face as I voiced all my thoughts inside my head. I wanted to tell you all of these but I stay rooted on my place, I just can’t find any strength to move. It weakens me to see you smiling and laughing with him.

‘It’s killing me’

‘And it gets me down as the unsaid words still lingers inside my head, still remain unspoken’

But I know I made the right decision. After all, I’m doing this all for you. I just want you to be happy. And I know that you’re happy with him.

I grabbed my phone and called someone. I want this. No, I need this.

It’s been 3 hours since that torturing scene happened and I’m still here, sitting on a bench and staring blankly at the playground. I sigh once in a while as I fiddled on the envelope in my hands. Inside is a resignation letter. I'm planning on leaving this country to start anew.

The wind brought shivers and chills down my spine, making my hair stand on its end but I did not move. I remained still on my position. Unmoving.

Thinking if what I will do next would be the best decision. I pulled my hair in frustration as all the thinking part got me restless and all it did is to aggravate me.

‘I didn’t know loving someone could be this painful’

With one last glance at the park, I left with a broken heart.

*knock* *knock**knock* *knock**knock* *knock**knock* *knock**knock* *knock**knock* *knock**knock* 

“Yeah yeah, I’m coming” The girl inside shouted probably annoyed on my continuous knocks. After less than a minute, the door swung open revealing a very sleepy Jessica Jung.

“Yah! What do you wan-----“ Her words died down when she saw me standing in front of her door at this hour.

“Sorry, I just have to give you something” I rummaged through my pocket and pulled out an envelope. I then handed it to her. She just looked at me with scrutinizing eyes.

“You came banging on my door this late just to give me a letter? A friggin’ letter?! Can’t you just wait and hand it to me tomorrow at the office?” She shouted with her ear piercing scream. I release a chuckle; I guess that’s what I get for disturbing her beauty sleep. Typical Jung Sooyeon. She just loves to sleep.

“Sorry for interrupting your ‘sleeping time’ ice princess” I quoted the word sleeping time which earned me some painful smacks on the arm.

“Well who wouldn’t get mad if someone disturbed her sleep at friggin’ 2’o clock in the morning?” She continued slapping me but it’s not just on the arm, she’s practically hitting my entire body. I tried shielding myself on her and took a peek. I laugh when I fully saw her appearance. She’s wearing an oversized shirt with matching yellow pajama and slippers. And her hair is sticking everywhere, a sign that she had just got out of bed and I know it irk her to no end.

“Okay okay. I’m sorry” I apologized laughing because she seriously looks like a little kid right now who’s throwing a tantrum just because she dropped her ice cream. After a few more slaps here and there, she finally stopped. I released a sigh of relief and examined my body whether I got scratches.

“Stupid. My nails aren’t long enough to cut you” She spat at me. I just scoffed at her and stopped checking my body in which she returned by glaring at me.

“Anyway, what’s inside this envelope that you would even go here at a time like this and hand it to me personally?”

My face fell because I know it’ll hurt both of us. But I already made my choice. I need to do this. I had to.

“Open it. It’s on your hand anyway” I smiled at her although a fake one. She took my words and opened the envelope, she wasted no time as she began reading the letter. Slowly, she cupped to muffle her cries as tears cascaded down her face.

“Tell me what the this is?!” She demanded as soon as she finished reading. “Tell me!! Tell me!!” She soon launched herself onto me and started hitting me. I didn’t move an inch. I took all the pain. This is the least I could do for her.

“W-why? Why?” She mumbled over and over again. It pains me to see her in this fragile state. I just held on to her thin frame and hugged her. I didn’t care if she was soaking my shirt. She needs me. I need her.

After some minutes, she pulled out and stared at me. I know that she’s asking for an answer. I can clearly see it on her glistening caramel eyes. I took a deep breath and flashed her a sad smile.

“I accepted it” I didn’t need to elaborate it to her because she already knows what I’m pertaining to. The talent agency I dreamt of entering is finally within my grasp. My dream of becoming a singer is already in front of me.

She tried to smile. I know she tried from the way her lips tugged upwards and then quiver as her tears stream down again.

“I-I’m so happy for y-you. I r-really am” Her voice cracked. I immediately held her body close to mine.

“Thank you. Thank you Jessica” I mumbled as I bury my face onto her blonde locks. We stayed unmoving from our position. Just savoring each other’s warmth and presence. And finally, right there, at that time, I let all my tears spill out of my eyes. I’m tired of holding it inside for too long. I continued sobbing like a baby and clung on to her body more. And just like that, our position reversed. She’s the one who’s comforting me now.

“Shh….. Stop crying. Stop” She patted my back and continued to comfort me. When I finally got my act together, I slowly broke our hug. She then cupped my face and looked directly at my eyes.

“That’s not the real reason right?” Her question suddenly caught me off guard.

“What are you talking about? Of course that’s the reason” I avoided her gaze and looked anywhere but here.

“Look at me” She commanded but I ignored her. Feeling annoyed, she forcefully yanked my head to meet her eyes.

“You’re lying. I know it” She held her intense gaze locked on mine. I released a heavy sigh. I can never lie to her.

“Fine. That’s not the reason” I finally admitted. She just cocked her eyebrow, signaling me to continue.

“I’m letting her go” I flashed yet another bitter smile.

“Stop. Just stop that”

“Stop what?”

“Stop smiling like everything’s all right because we both know it’s not” She told me and proceeded in wiping my tears. I didn’t notice that I’m crying again.

“But I’m fine” No. I lied. It ing hurts.

“NO!” She suddenly shouted. Then she cried. Again. And I know I’m the reason behind it as her body shook uncontrollably.

“Why her?” Her voice quivered. I tried to approach her but she stopped me.

“Why couldn’t it be me?!” It pains me to see her so vulnerable.

“Jessi-----“

“What does she have that I don’t?! Why can't you love me?! Tell me!” My brain suddenly stopped functioning. I couldn't think properly.

“Jessica, we’ve already talked about this” I tried to end this topic quickly. I can’t bear to see my bestfriend hurt like this.

“Just answer it. P-please” She pleaded. Jung Sooyeon never pleads. Unless if she’s really desperate about it.

“Because you’re not her” I answered her with so much difficulty as the sight before me was breathtakingly painful yet so beautiful at the same time. And those four simple words successfully tear her, inside out.

“Y-you could have chosen me over her. If you did, then you wouldn’t be in pain right now. I’ll l-love you better. Treat you right. Give everything you deserve. And never will I hurt y-you” She told me with so much love and passion but the sight breaks me as I can see pain and remorse reflecting on her beautiful glassy eyes.

“J-Jessica” I held out my hand but she moved away.

“Don’t worry. I moved on already that’s why I have Kris. I just can’t help but to think what we could have been if we did end up together” She wiped her remaining tears and stared back at me.

“If you loved me back, you wouldn’t leave. You would stop hurting”

I couldn’t speak as the words sank in my head. Maybe, just maybe she’s right. The problem was the time. It just came at a wrong timing. When she confessed to me, I was so happy but at the same time it saddens me because my heart already belongs to someone else. Someone that is not her. And at that time, I could just love her as a bestfriend. Nothing more. Nothing less.

“I’m sorry”

“Never say sorry for something you meant to do” Guilt suddenly crept inside my whole humanity as the words left her lips because I know that she’s right. I meant to do it. And I did it out of love.

It took as a lot of time before we regain our senses back. Then she asked me something.

“Are you really giving up on her?”

“No. I’m just letting her go. She’s too precious to be given upon” All the things I said were true. I’m not giving up on her. I still love her.

“Then why are you letting her go? If you truly love her, you wouldn’t let her out of your grasp”

“Just like I said, she’s too precious, like a diamond. She deserves to be happy.” I took a step forward and kiss her forehead goodbye.

“Don’t let go” She whispered but I still heard it. I stopped on my tracks and spoke.

“We had to let go……… sometime………. somehow even if it’ll hurt us” I smiled. This time a genuine smile. A smile that is pure and free from any pain or ache. And slowly, I walked out of her house. Out of Jessica’s life. And most importantly, ‘her’ life.

Jessica slowly dragged herself inside her room and lay on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. The wounds in her heart reopened and continued to bleed.

“I’ve already let you go once and now, I’m letting you go again. I just hope that I still have enough strength to bear this pain. I just lost you for the second time around” Slowly, she let herself drift to dreamland and cried herself to sleep. Silently praying that everything was just a horrible nightmare but there are times when prayers are not enough.

‘I still love you Donghae' Her heart whispered.

Somewhere out there~

‘I love you too Jessica but I love Yoona more’ His heart whispered.