14 | That Brat, My Princess
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14 That Brat, My Princess
14 • That Brat, My Princess
Story by: Baek-Hyomin
[Rose: Review Boutique]
Story by: Baek-Hyomin
[Rose: Review Boutique]
Title (7/10):
I felt I had a feeling I’d know what your story would be about at first glance. To be honest, it was quite eye-catching at first and it drawn me on what the plot could be about. I could see how it relates to the story; but at first I was confused. I thought the title was from one’s perspective, but now it seems that it’s from both the main characters’ perspectives which is quite clever however as mentioned, confusing.
I quite like the juxtaposition between ‘brat’ and ‘princess’; it’s like a normal love story where two opposites attract, unless the princess is spoilt. But then, with that twist of opposites attracting, what happens when two people who are exactly the same meet? That, I’d like to know. Moreover, I like how Jae In refers to Luhan as that brat; it sparks that perhaps her and Luhan may have a history together which makes the readers anticipate on what the story will be about. It’s almost like Jae In doesn’t even consider Luhan as a human but rather a mere object.
I have to mentioned that I don’t quite understand the ‘My Princess’ part. It’s obvious that was Luhan’s perspective on Jae In but there’s no mention of him calling Jae In ‘Princess’, or even his princess. So far, he’s only called her ‘darling’ and other names. I understand that your story is on-going but I’d like to see how and when Luhan decides to call Jae In that nickname.
Description & Foreword (3/10):
Both sections didn’t grip me into reading. I was put off at the bad grammar in the foreword, which to me is a disadvantage. You’d want to grip the reader to reading your story, however I believe they’ll more interested at the bad grammar then the actual plot.
The description was interesting however, it wasn’t unique. Also you gave the readers an inside of the two character’s relationship which was a good heads up. It didn’t spoil the story that much so it gave us room for us to imagine. Also, I frowned at the character chart. I don’t believe it’s necessarily needed as we the readers could find out how they look like later in the story.
For the foreword, you gave a short exert from your story. It was alright but again it wasn’t different.
Content and Plot (9/20):
I’d just like to mention that I don’t quite read fan-fictions where I’m the main character, or that I have to be a another person. Now, that wasn’t the reason why I deducted marks. One, who still continues arranged marriage these days? For example, Harry didn’t have to marry a princess! He married Kate, who was from a different background. Now, the idea of arranged marriages is quite used in AFF, and the fact that the two characters hate each other in the beginning is quite understandable, but expected.
Now, I believe that the main plot of the story for Jae In to actually like Luhan and vice versa. However, so far all I’m reading are two characters who can’t stand each other. To be honest, I really don’t understand why they don’t like each other, and for that reason I don’t understand the plot that well. Is it because of a past experience? An accident? I’m not too sure.
I am wondering on how the plot will unfold though. As mentioned you’ve taken an over-used concept but I’d like to see how you’d twist it.
Characters (5/10):
They seem unrealistic to me. They’re childish, and I can’t see any teenagers who are eighteen acting like a pre-schooler. Moreover, okay they’re rich, doesn’t that mean they’ve been taught in a certain way that would make then more sophisticated? I’m just happy that they still kept their ‘drama queen’ role as mentioned in the foreword. I can see why they both hate each other despite the fact they’re exactly the same.
To start off, despite Jae In being childish I don’t understand why her classmates still voted for her to be president. In the chapters, I don’t see her knowledge whatsoever. And moreover, I see her as a bit rude. An example is in chapter ten when Chanyeol bumped into her. Now, I expected for some apologies from both Jae In and Chanyeol however, Jae In just shouted at him. Wasn’t that action a bit abrupt and impolite? In this society, I think we’d be more aware of each other’s feelings and not just shout at someone for bumping into you, it seems rash.
For Luhan, just as mentioned in the foreword, he is indeed bratty. However, I’d expect him to be also perhaps cocky and arrogance which wasn’t present in the story. Just like Jae In, I see him as a bit childish, but I can see a bit of responsibility when he took Maehyun out.
I hope to see the two characters mature in the later chapter however.
Grammar and Spelling (4/10):
There were lots of errors that I couldn’t help but correct them when I was reading! Okay, to start off, one thing that stuck out to me was your vocabulary. We live in a modern world where ‘Cheesecake’, ‘Ostrich’, ‘Dog’ isn’t really the best terms to insult someone. I guessed that you either didn’t want to use swear words (which is alright!) or you’re trying to make the story funny by making Luhan and Jae In scream childish insults at each other. Now, I’m not too familiar with EXO so maybe it’s an inside joke that Luhan’s a choding? I don’t know. But either way, your choice of words when Luhan and Jae In were shouting each other isn’t really something I’d expect in real life.
Moreover, there were some sentences that didn’t make sense but nevertheless I still manage to understood what you were trying to say.
Now, the way you write out your story seems similar to a script that they’d use in a movie. It’s mainly descriptive; however it doesn’t reveal a lot of range of information. Your sentences are relatively short, and most of the time it just states what the characters are doing. As an author, you don’t really reveal their thoughts or describe. An example is the restaurant that Jae In, Luhan and Maehyun went to Instead of showing a picture of the restaurant, you could’ve gave information on what it looked like.
If there was one grammatical error that annoyed me it was the dialogue. Now, I don’t how or when embedding emotions was alright. Moreover, if there’s one thing that disturbed me it was both the exclamation and question marks. I understand that using it emphasises the sentence, however it’s something I’d expect a little kid to use.
Example: “I’m hungry, noona ): ” Maehyun said.
Correction: “I’m hungry noona,” said Maehyun in a sad tone.
In here, I don’t include any emotions but to try including it, I finished off the sentence with the word ‘sad’.
Example: “What!!!!!!????? Ajhumma, what are you saying?!!!! Fiance?!!! Are you kidding me!?” You shocked and kept asking questions to Luhan’s umma.
Correction: “What?!” Ajhumma, what are you saying?! Fiancé?! Are you kidding me?!” You were shocked and kept asking questions Luhan’s umma.
To avoid overusing the questions and exclamation marks, you can make the words bolder as it would give off the same effect. This also applies to when the character’s speaking out their thoughts as well. Also I believe you misspelt fiancé and missed out the word ‘were’.
Example: Luhan
started the car
Correction: Luhan started the car
I did find that there were a few sentences like this example. To avoid these, just make sure you also proof-read your work to ensure small mistakes can be fixed.
Organisation and Flow (6/10):
I felt that the pace of the story was a bit too quick. Usually, I’d suggest that it’s more of an advantage to post a chapter or two about Jae In’s and Luhan’s relationship when they were kids. That way the readers can identify their personalities as a kid (and before the plot) so they’ll feel much closer to them. Also it makes the readers understand why the two can’t stand each other- as mentioned in the plot section; this could make the plot more understandable as to why Jae In and Luhan hate each other. Now, I understand what’s going on in each chapter so that it’s alright. If there was one aspect that made be surprised was when the parents thought Jae In was pregnant.
Now, don’t you think it’s a bit too quick to conclude that? I believe to be pregnant you should’ve have morning sickness for a few days or weeks before you can say she’s pregnant. Also, Maehyun is five years old; I don’t think a teacher should tell things like those to a kid.
As mentioned in the plot, if the story is really about Jae In and Luhan liking each other, I hope to see some fluffy scenes soon, so that the plot will make sense.
Appearance (0/10):
Yea, sorry for the low mark; unfortunately you don’t have any graphics so I can’t give you marks.
Enjoyment (12/20):
Despite the quite harsh score, there are room for improvement. Your story is quite jumpy which is alright! I believe that if you improve your foundation of grammar, it could get better. I didn’t find your story boring but it didn’t make me really happy as well. I think that if you start to develop your characters and have a major twist to the story, it’ll become more interesting to read. There were a few scenes that were amusing but nevertheless, I believe you have the potential to improve.
Total (46/100)
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