15 | Emulsion of Wings
{ “Le Angel • Portfolio” }
15 Emulsion of Wings
15 • Emulsion of Wings
Story by: redocean-
[Read Read Read Review Shop]
Story by: redocean-
[Read Read Read Review Shop]
Title (5/5):
I love it, I absolutely love it. It gives of majestic-like feel to it upon reading it at first sight, and it also draws my attention to it thus making it stand out. Moreover, it has a sophisticated sound to it which I like. Also, I like how it relates to the story! I have to admit, I did have difficulty on what the term ‘Emulsion’ meant (despite the fact I’m a person who took chemistry) so with my little research, I can see how and why it matches the story!
If the term ‘emulsion’ means an immiscible liquid being held in another liquid; then to picture your title, does it mean one person being held by another? It forms a poignant image and it really does make me wonder on what the story will be about. I guess romance; however I couldn’t place my finger on what other themes your story will hold. After reading your story, it makes me question on which character is being held! Although, the title did take me a bit of time to figure out what it meant, I found it quite artistic and clever so props to you!
Description & Foreword (7/10):
Your description was great! It didn’t’ give off that much information which leaves room for us readers to imagine on what your story can be about. The ‘nameless man’ was indeed intriguing for me, and I was interested on how both met. From the description I expected Oh Young to be a typical indifferent person, however the twist with ‘a story of hope and fate begins’ juxtaposes that idea, so I was interested on how the story will turn out. Moreover, questions do spark in my mind. Thoughts such as ‘How did Oh Young found ‘him’?’, ‘Why did she lost the will to live?’, ‘What’s the decision that young man will make?’ comes to my mind, and I’m glad to say that these and some others have been answered.
For the foreword, it was mainly a comment from you which I don’t have problems about. I deducted due to the fact that, your description was quite captivating so I thought it’d been good to give a snippet of the story or something a bit bigger, related to it to get the readers hyped. Now the foreword was alright. I have to say that the repition of ‘will protect’ does give me a bad impression, as it’s almost as if that person’s is either in denial or she/he is trying to comfort themselves. This introduction of the character interests on what kind of personality that person will have.
On the whole, a great description and foreword.
Plot & Originality (27/30):
It’s fresh and new to me. I haven’t encountered one like yours, and I’m really glad I read it. However, I did reduce marks due to the fact that Young’s and Jongup’s relationship doesn’t seem to strike me as I expected it to be. In addition, upon seeing Himchan’s name, I did expect to see his appearance; however he’s yet to be introduced. I really want to know how the three characters connect together, so I’m anticipating for the chapter to arrive. Anyways, the cursed-like relationship between the reality and what should be fantasy depicts a forbidden love, and although that type of romance is typical around AFF, yours stands out due to the fact, that nothing is standing in between their way but their morality.
If there is one thing I don’t understand it’s this: does Young have any friends? I’m pondering as it did mention that Young chose to ‘closer her eyes’ and ‘not see the goodness of the world’ for nine years, so does that mean she’s been hospitalized for nine years? That means, she’s been in the hospital since she was eight. I’m not completely sure about this section, but I did wonder why no-one seemed to visit her.
I believe the main plot is Oh Young, a seventeen-year old woman who has survived 99.5% of her accidents who doesn’t believe she wants to live due to the fact she has faced deaths but still managed to live. However, a young man enters her life which results a new light in her little, hollowed tunnel. Now, I did read some stories which revolved about a person being hospitalized and may expect death to come, but I like how you highlight the connection between the two despite the very different backgrounds.
Now, I really want to see the twist in what happens to be after chapter three, and seeing as I’m already hooked by your story, I’m assured that the next chapter perhaps maybe unexpected. I also like to mention that I haven’t found any loopholes, except the friends section, so I’m really happy with the plot!
Characterization: (17/20):
I’ll start off with Oh Young. As mentioned in the Description & Foreword section, I imagined Young as a typical indifferent person who shuts the world away from her. However, upon reading your story I can imagine her as an actual person. Her motives to why she seems cold yet vulnerable are both understandable and real. I imagine her as someone who thinks a lot, and realises a lot of things that many may not think of. She finds comfort in unique and different things, which makes her stand out to me. I can empathise with her pain, and also I do see the progress within the chapters.
Her unexpected confession about her parents to Jongup is a poignant highlight to me, as it shows that despite her lonely-like appearance, she’s someone who cares. It sparks that Young is perhaps is someone who can’t express her feelings well and tries to keep her emotions within herself. Young to me is just like her name. She’s innocent, and although she’s a thinker, she’s yet to experience.
For Jongup, I see him as vague but yet I can literally feel that there’s a lot more about him behind the close doors. I can see his importance to Young as he managed to make her see the light in the tunnel in 85 days in comparison to her nine years of choosing to close her eyes. I didn’t realise that Jongup himself was person in pain as well until chapter two. Both characters yearned, unknowingly, to be at least accepted. Young’s grandparents accept her half-heartedly whereas, despite not knowing Jongup’s past, I can tell it may not be easy to do his role, to take away people’s lives away. For both characters, the thought of being close to someone and losing them is unbearable.
In chapter three, I really do see Jongup’s maturity. The fact that despite knowing or not knowing the consequences, he’s willing to save Young which might ultimately maker her hate him. I like how you point out that everyone has a weakness, and with Jongup’s case, he has doubts and regrets.
I believe both characters are thought of really well. I deducted marks because I can’t really see how strong their relationship is (despite being a er for romance) but, I can tell that their love isn’t cliché or too-familiar.
Going back to the title, although people may think it’s Jongup holding Young in his wings, I believe it’s the other way round. Despite Young being innocent and fragile, she’s the key to why Jongup did what he did. After all, I believe that he suffered a bit more then Young; it’s just that his pain is a bit different from Young’s. Anyways, I really like to see how the story will turn out for both characters!
Writing Style & Language (24/25):
It’s different, very distinct. It gave off a certain feeling but I couldn’t place what it was until the second chapter- winter; your writing style reminded me of winter. The way you write has a sophisticated touch and elegance to it, and moreover, it has fragility to it. By fragility, I mean that I can almost imagine Young saying your words out loud. It’s as if with one crack occurring to your words, it affects Young as well. Your writing style echoes the character, and I believe that takes a lot of talent to do that.
I did reduce a point as I have come across writing styles almost similar to yours, despite the fact you write in such a mature manner. Yours just have a touch of winter which I just can’t really explain.
Now for the technical such as grammar and punctuation, it is really spot on. I barely found any mistakes so all I can say is just to make sure to proof-read. I do like to mention that there were a few sentences that didn’t make sense to me at first; however I still managed to understand it. I don’t think it’s that much of a problem as in all honesty your story is quite impeccable.
The balance between your description and dialogues are all right as well!
Your vocabulary is most exquisite that I have to say, I haven’t looked up so many words in Google until now. To add onto the fact that your writing style represents Young, you have a quite extended vocabulary and your intermediate words also resemble Young as well; though your word choices may seem fancy and difficult, it’s definitions are really quite simple.
Flow (10/10):
The pace isn’t too fast or too slow. I believe that the flow is quite clean, and the transitions from the days are done well. Moreover, the transitioning from the different scenes isn’t too jumpy as well.
Total (90/100):
Overall, your story was a pleasure to read! I can tell yours might perhaps be one of my favourites amongst this site! I’m anticipating on how the story unfolds, and I really like the twist at chapter three. I believe you deserved a high score and I’d recommend anyone to read your story. Great job!
Comments