Hello, here's your goody bag for joining my TMaF semi-contest! Thank you!

Plot: Similar to your previous entry, I do like the element of surprise that you prepared in this story. I don't have. In fact, this is quite a different twist –wouldn't have thought that the kid would poison him. Though, unfortunately, still, it still bugs me due to the lack of reasoning/motive/believability. Maybe, because it kind of an abrupt turn (which is fine –so long that it is sufficiently explained) from the sacrifice-love type of story to a story of... I don't know –the inclusion of Krystal and Key's psychotic child at that later part of the story kinda drags the story to another direction. Again, initially, and usually, I would not mind this. But I don't even know how a kid could do that. You implied that Inmin is a psychotic one, but for what reason? How could she have poison? Why did she do it? To protect her parents from this 'newcomer samcheon'? Or is it unintentional? But how could that be unintentional? I still feel there are plenty of holes in the reasoning part. The part where Jonghyun got off the taxi is also unclear –even when he's not feeling well. I think a normal person would just use the taxi and hurry up to the hospital, instead of asking to be left alone nearby a cliff. Then there is this 'accidental' car. While accident surely can happen in fic, in this one, it feels...kind of forced and rather soap-opera-ish.

The first part of your story is fine. To be honest, not exactly memorable –which is why, I think it's a good approach to have that twist in the end. BUT you have to tailor that twist better. The idea is good and surely is going to make readers remember your fic –but there are the abovementioned elements that kind of dock the points off.

Characters: Jonghyun is like this super selfless guy. It's good in a sense that it would certainly make readers sympathize him –especially with that amount of sacrificed he made for Krystal, and basically, the poor fate that he has to encountered. But again, aside from that, readers do not know much of the character. It feels like this is a plot-driven character –the type of character which acts just for the sake of the plot. On one part, it is true that a character should 'comply' to the plot, but that shouldn't be the only matter. With or without the plot, a character has to be able to 'stand alone' as a character. Krystal is a flat character. Yes, she was angry at the first part of the story, but aside from that, again, you do not shed enough light to her to make the readers know her that well. It is actually Inmin who intrigued me –basically with her more-than-what-it-seems-on-the surface character. Instead of a normal kid, she is actually kind of interesting (still, the comments about her action in the Plot section of this review should be heeded more).

A minor thing. You indicated that this is an 'older' story, but got changed to Jongstal to meet the requirement of the contest. Well, it does not per se violate the rule (the hyuna/hyunseng version is still created after the contest date I presume, though it was not created actually for the contest), but I'll look pass that. What I actually have issues with, is that this would actually prove that no real character distinction between your Hyuna/Hyunseung's version and the Jongstal version. This actually indicates that your characters are just names, and not exactly personality. I don't mind you give a Jongstal version of the story, but it should take more than mere changing the name –it should have been able to have Jonghyun and Krystal's distinctive personalities incorporated into the same plot.

Style: Similar to my comment to your previous entry 'Cause I Do Believe', your writing style here is also better than your previous entries –there are more emotions that are being invoked here. But similarly as well, there is just something off with the way you draft the dialogues. For example, this part: 'She mumbled. "They're not worth it to spill out from your beautiful lips..."'. I don't think that someone would actually say 'beautiful lips' when they're arguing –and even on a daily-basis conversation, it is not exactly likely to be spoken.

Suggestion:
• You may hate me for being repetitive, but again: reasoning, rationality, and believability. The idea is good, but there are plenty of plot holes that you have to re-draft in order for it to be more coherent.
• Be careful on the last part. If you want to make Jonghyun die, choosing one way could actually be sufficient. Either he got poisoned by Inmin (or I don't know, is that an honest kid's prank?) or got him hit by the car. Having two elements happening in a consecutive chain of events does not seem exactly plausible.
• Give a sense of maturity and distinction to your characters. They are not merely names or mere pawns to your plot. Characters can and actually should drive the plot.


Favorite Parts:
• Strangely, I like Inmin. There's just something distinctive about the kid, and I like that about her.
• I like the plot twist –and imagine, if you develop the reasoning and all more, this actually can be a solid and quite unique story.