My heart sank lower than ever before when I received the phone call sealing Jongup's fate. I felt sick. Sick as in feeling as if I might regurgitate my guts. Sick, like being on the edge of a heart attack ready to strike at any given moment. Sick, meaning a severely guilty heart.

I ran, hard, with each harsh breath leaving me teetering on the brink of hyperventilation. Every regretful memory played  through my mind as I sprinted towards the apartment, like a slideshow presentation of every single moment I'd ed up. Each image felt like a knife to the chest, intensifying the already severe guilt.

It didn't seem so bad to me at the time. Nobody knew about Jongup and I yet, and things were going along...slowly. Bang gave me an opportunity. He offered me a speedy, supposedly hidden relationship, and I foolishly accepted. his proposition. I was dumb enough to believe we were in the clear, that it was ok, and that Jongup would never find out.

It wasn't until a few days ago that I came to realize he knew all along. I'd never seen him so mad before. He grabbed me by the arms and shook me harshly, continually questioning me. He thought I wasn't truly cheating on him, that I loved him most, and that is was merely a one-time incident. He said I broke him when he caught me with Bang on numerous occasions. For the finale, he accused me of not loving him.

For an unknown reason, I decided to blame him. I was mad, and I compared him to Bang. I remember saying he wouldn't put out for me, and if he truly loved me he would. I was then he screamed that if I truly loved him I would not pressure him about this sort of thing. He said he was too young, and with our large age difference he thought  I would take care of him more. It was then that he let out that he was wrong about me and that I wasn't the person he thought he began dating three months ago.

It was then that I hit him, and it was then that I watched Jongup truly break, inside and out. He left the apartment silently, clutching onto his flaming jaw, refusing to meet my gaze. I ignored him from that moment onwards, continuing with my daily routine as if nothing had occurred.

How foolish I was.

I slammed the door open, nearly suffering from an asthma attack and falling over my own feet as I sped into the apartment.

"Jongup!" I yelled out desperately. I attempted to will away the tears pooling behind my eyes.

I sprinted towards his muffled moans, the desperation of the situation sinking in.

There are no words to describe the way I felt when I saw Jongup lying on the floor against our bathroom cabinet, his split wrists creating bright puddles of blood along the tiled flooring. I dropped to my knees and began to sob as I slowly crawled my way towards him.

He looked up at me with a pained expression gracing his attractive features, a look I cannot seem to forget. He then gave me a sad version of his infamous lopsided  smile as he shivered and shook.

"Hyung...you came."

I wrapped my arms around him and held him, ignoring his blood staining my clothes.

"Of course, Jongup. I need to get you to a hospital right away."

"...No."

I stared at him, open-mouthed in disbelief.

"N-no?" I stuttered, shocked and terribly frightened.

I watched as he laughed, cringing from pain as he did.

"It's over for me now, Himchan."

"No, no, no, it's not, don't say this Uppie, don't."

He smiled again. "Uppie...I remember when you used to call me that."

I whimpered as guilt continued to overtake me.  "Jongup, please-"

"Himchan...Please, for now, just hold me, and think of me, only me..."

I began panicking. "I only ever think of you, Jonguppie."

He chuckled softly. "Liar. Please, before...before I go, kiss me, just once...and think only of me. Not of Bang, or anyone else. Love me just once more, Channie."

"Jonguppie, please don't-"

"Please hurry, Himchan. For me...please."

I didn't hesitate in grabbing his chin and passionately forcing our lips to smash together. I tried to ignore his shallow breathing and my relentless flow of tears and focus on the faint movement of his tongue matching mine, the way he kissed being so identifiably Jongup-like. I felt his hands grip tightly onto my shoulders before they loosened, falling to his sides.

"...I thought only of you, Jongup..

Only of you."