01: The loudest laughter hurts the most; Yadong

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Dongwoo watches Hoya from behind the door. The sweat trickling down his face, the serious gaze he had on, everything seemed so perfect. Hoya flashed a teasing smirk at the mirror, one that was supposed to make fans’ heart flutter made Dongwoo’s heart flutter instead. Butterflies died. Then, Dongwoo saw Hoya casts a glance at the door he was hiding behind so he pushed it and walked through. He wished he could stare for a little while longer.

“You are late.” Hoya pointed out.

Hoya has a sharp tongue but Dongwoo would never be offended.

“Sorry, forgive me please~” Dongwoo exaggerated his movements and Hoya laughed slightly.

The two kicked start their dance practice without wasting another second. The official debut of INFINITE H was nearing and both of the boys wanted to give their best shot. In actual fact, Dongwoo merely wanted to enjoy himself like he always do. However, one day, Hoya told him that he wanted H’s debut to be a blast. He wanted to top charts and make his family proud, and so Dongwoo find himself trying harder than ever.

The practice room reeked smell of their sweat as the two boys laid on the ground. Dongwoo watch Hoya’s chest rise and fall rapidly from the corner of his eyes. Slowly, he closed his eyes too. Bliss would be an appropriate word to describe how Dongwoo felt. Dongwoo almost fell asleep when he heard Hoya speak.

“You know…”

“Sometimes, I wish I could be like you.”

Dongwoo stared at the boy in black wife beater, using the back of his hand covering his eyes.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Hyung, you’re always so well-received by everyone. And sometimes, it’s like you don’t have to try as hard as I do and things just fall in place nicely for you.” Hoya mumbled.

Dongwoo remained silent; Hoya did not speak anymore.

“Shall we begin practice?” he asked.

Dongwoo would have whined and rolled about on the floor to ask for another five minutes of rest if it was their usual practice. However, this time, he got up on his feet and break dance to the music.

-

There were flashes of cameras everywhere. Dongwoo could feel his back against Hoya’s as he flashed a rocker sign, his mouth wide apart. They were in white suits for the second half of the photo shoot with colourful paint splashed temporary walls surrounding them. Hoya pressed his palms against Dongwoo’s chest and Dongwoo wondered if he could feel his heartbeat. He wished he didn’t and he concluded that those stories about beating hearts were lies. Because Hoya still looked the same.

Sometimes, Dongwoo wishes Hoya knows his feelings. But at the same time, he was afraid. He didn’t want him to distant away from him. If he knew, and he doesn’t feel the same, he probably would. Dongwoo thought he knew Hoya better than himself. And what has been stated was most likely going to happen if his feelings were ever laid out on the table, exposed.

It was Dongwoo’s turn. He opted for the brush because he couldn’t imagine how flushed his face may turn out to be if he kept touching Hoya. When the pictorial ended, Hoya had his earpiece plugged in. Dongwoo sat beside him and played with his phone. He started having random thoughts. He wondered if Hoya and himself weren’t part of INFINITE, would they text each other? What would they be doing in their lives? Whatever the case, Dongwoo thought Hoya would definitely ace it. Because he gives his 120% in everything he does. Dongwoo wishes he had the courage too.

That day, Dongwoo wrote a poem in his book which he hides at the base of his big bag. He wrote about a couple walking in the mass of the crowd in search of one another. They had brushed past each other many times but they never meet. Because there was an unseen wall separating them and the two never knew. The wall was called destiny.

“What are you doing?”

His voice was so husky and enchanting that Dongwoo didn’t mind listening to it on replay for the whole day. That was another reason why Dongwoo always listen to their songs.

“Drawing dinosaurs.” Dongwoo lied and laughed in embarrassment.

“You’re so loud!” Hoya exclaimed, covering his mouth in a joking manner. His eyes turned into crescents and Dongwoo thought Hoya has the most beautiful smile in this world. At Dongwoo’s loud hyena laughter, the staff shot curious glances at the idols. Dongwoo then made a funny expression and apologized to the production staff for disturbing by faking a salute.

Those were moments Dongwoo wished he could live forever in.

-

Initially, it took Dongwoo months to realize his eyes always drifted out to Hoya during schedules. It slowly became obvious to him that his emotions fluctuate alongside with his. Also, Myungsoo had once pointed out that Dongwoo laughs the loudest at Hoya’s joke. Dongwoo loves it when Hoya jokes with him. Maybe, the feelings started back then. The ‘Yadong’ couple, Hoya made it up during ‘Sesame Player’ was the time when Dongwoo thought maybe, he has a chance too. It got real, his feelings. And Dongwoo still cannot decide whether it’s good or not.

Dongwoo lay in bed, reminiscing the time when cameras were rolling and Hoya said those words.

“It was actually awkward together. That day, it seemed like Dongwoo hyung really liked me.”

Sunggyu laughed and his eyes disappeared while Dongwoo buried his face behind his hands.

“Your reason for choosing Dongwoo?” Sunggyu pressed on.

The members were having fun but Dongwoo was getting really embarrassed. He shouldn’t be.

“Was there favouritsim?”

“Did you heart go out to him?”

The leader bombarded Hoya with questions until he gave in, saying words Dongwoo would die to hear it all over again.

“My heart went.”

Dongwoo couldn’t be bothered by Sungjong’s sudden outburst of emotions at the scripter writer noona. He didn’t hear what Hoya said about fans liking them together as a couple. All he heard was the short, sweet confession replaying in his mind over and over again. All he could manage was a wide smile, hiding his true feelings.

-

 Dongwoo woke up the next morning and saw Hoya sitting before the television.

“Where are the other members?” he asked.

“They had other schedule. It’s H promotions later on today so we’re alone.” Hoya explained.

Dongwoo sat down on the couch and rubbed his stomach.

“I am hungry.” He said.

Hoya was too engrossed in the movie to hear Dongwoo’s words. It was a hint actually. Dongwoo wished Hoya would offer to cook together, like how they did once in the past. He still remembered how Hoya said they were filming ‘We Got Married’, how they bit the noodles together. However, this time, there were no cameras. And Dongwoo knew he wouldn’t.

“Did you say anything just now?” Hoya suddenly realized.

Dongwoo shook his head and joined him in watching the movie with a rumbling stomach.  

-

Dongwoo grabs any he sees in the way in the dorm and laughs it off cheekily. The boys have grown used to his weirdness and brushed it off as normality. In actual fact, Dongwoo did that only to enjoy slight skin ship with the one he likes. Dongwoo deliberately hugs Myungsoo during the interview, purposefully attempt to bite Sunggyu when it comes to the cameras. At those times, he would actually silently watch Hoya and wish he reacts. However, he never really realizes.

Today was one of the days when Dongwoo feels stupid. He feels tired of keeping a one-sided love. And he feels disgusted that he wasn’t normal. Gays, they’d call them. Dongwoo didn’t want to imagine the members’ reaction if they knew his true feelings towards Hoya. They would be shocked, surprised and afraid of him. Dongwoo goes to his father’s restaurant to help out that day.

He signed for fans, took pictures with his bright, wide smile that hid his troubles. He laughed louder than ever to kill the voice in his mind. Dongwoo truly enjoyed time spent with his parents and he made a mental note to bring Hoya and the other members there, one day. When they were home, his mother asked whether Dongwoo had any girl he is interested in recently.

Dongwoo wished he could tell the truth that he liked a boy in his group; he wished he could confess that he liked Lee Howon, the busan boy who stole his heart for a long time already. However, he blushed and laughed it off, lying that there was no one.

“That girl, was it Ailee? She’s a good catch!” His mother hit Dongwoo’s arm playfully.   

“Umma!” Dongwoo protested.

“We’re just friends.” He said with a misleading smile.

“Ehhhh~” Her mother was happy and Dongwoo let it be.

“If only I liked a ‘her’.” He thought to himself sadly.

-

It was late at night and Dongwoo went out of his room to pee. He thought he heard voices so he crept silently to the source. He recognized the voice in a heartbeat and just when he was about to jump on him, he heard stuff. He heard how he told her to call him ‘Howon oppa’ again because he loved the way his name rolled off her tongue. He heard him promising that her that he would sneak out during his free time to find her. He heard him saying things he wished were meant for him. Dongwoo choked back on his tears when he heard Hoya say his ‘goodnight’ with a virtual kiss sent to the unknown girl on the line.

Hoya jolted back in surprise when he saw Dongwoo standing outside of the kitchen.

“Who is she?” Dongwoo asked.

“Y-You heard everything?!” Hoya questioned in a serious tone.

Dongwoo nodded.

“You know that we’re not allowed to date, don’t you?” he reminded.

If only reminders work all the time, Dongwoo wouldn’t have fallen for Hoya too.

“You’ll keep it a secret for me, right?” Hoya confirmed.

Dongwoo nodded slowly because he couldn’t speak anymore. He felt a tear slid down silently already and he had to turn away slightly. It was pathetic and he was glad the lights were off. In this way, his feelings could hide away in the dark.

“Thank you, Dongwoo hyung.” Hoya said, patting his shoulder.

Dongwoo was so close to crumbling into pieces before him.  

“I’ll be careful not to endanger INFINITE, I promise.” He promised.

“I know you would.” Dongwoo tried to sound normal as he headed off to the toilet.  

That night, Dongwoo cried his heart out in the toilet. He wished he didn’t wake up to hear their conversation. He would have much preferred living in a lie that there was still chance for him. Dongwoo hated how things turned out to be.

“And sometimes, it’s like you don’t have to try as hard as I do and things just fall in place nicely for you.”

Hoya’s words came mocking back at Dongwoo.

“I tried hard, Howon.”

The next morning…

“Who’s inside?” Sungjong’s voice was heard.

Dongwoo washed his face and opened the door. He messed his hair, yawning with mouth agape.

“You slept in the toilet?!” Sungjong questioned.

“Ah. Accidentally.” Dongwoo lied and laughed (a little too loudly).

Sungjong laughed instantly at Dongwoo’s incident and went around telling the other members. Dongwoo thought this would probably end up in some interview pages in future, further adding onto his built-up silly image. However, he couldn’t care less. Hoya was standing outside his door, staring at Dongwoo. Dongwoo smiled and greeted him with a simple ‘morning’. Hoya returned the greeting and it felt normal.

Hoya had his pretense on and so Dongwoo pretended nothing has happened yesterday. Dongwoo wanted to go running to someone and tell him all his worries and pain. However, he couldn’t so he held it in with a smile. He kept smiling and laughing, as if the world was innocently beautiful still.

Lee Howon, I love you.

Dongwoo erased those thoughts from the back of his mind to see it resurfacing.

When he laughed too loud, those were times when Dongwoo hated himself more than ever.

Love is pain.