Today was the day. Kyungsoo’s last day. His hyung’s last day.

Jongin had woken up, slightly disoriented, barely remembering how he and Yixing had fixed up a makeshift bed for him to sleep in as he spent the night at the hospital. But once he was awake, he immediately sat up, searching for Kyungsoo. He was still there- oh thank God. Still immobile, but still breathing. Jongin had made sure he had gotten up early thanks to an alarm on his phone. He needed to have as much time as possible.

“Hey, hyung,” he murmured, some of Kyungsoo’s hair off his forehead. “Now’s not the time for sleeping in.” Slowly, Jongin eased himself down, ignoring the chair and kneeling next to him. “You can’t sleep in now. You...you have to wake up. You’ve got to wake up. There isn’t any more time…”

Jongin grasped the limp hand, feeling tears in his eyes. All this time, he had hoped that somehow, by being with Kyungsoo, talking to him, some miracle would happen, and he would wake. But now, cruel, cruel reality was hitting him. Kyungsoo hadn’t awoken. And today at noon, they would do the deed and take him off life support. He would be gone forever. He would be rolled out of the hospital room on a gurney to be taken away, and Jongin would never see him again.

Clutching Kyungsoo’s hand to his chest, he bent his head, closing his eyes against the tears. These would be his last hours with Kyungsoo. He needed to say what he had been yearning to say for the past year, for the last four days as well, now that time was running out. Jongin forced himself to remember the events that had happened the night they had parted.

He was prepared to now. He had spent a whole year trying to forget, but he would remember now.

-

Jongin would rather die than bring Kyungsoo to the apartment. He would not bring him. He would go alone and suffer the consequences. He could not put him in any danger.

But if he didn’t bring him to the apartment, he could suffer a worse fate. Jongin knew what his gang was capable of. They had murdered before, seldom, but they had done it. They had once tracked down a guy who had cheated them out of a week’s worth of drugs, stalking him through streets and alleys before slashing his throat. They had made it look so easy. What if they went after Kyungsoo? What if they went after Kyungsoo when he wasn’t with him? Jongin felt his stomach clench at the thought of it; Kyungsoo, so helpless and innocent, not knowing what would hit him-

Jongin cut off the thought. He would much rather be with Kyungsoo when something went down, so he could protect him. Jongin swore that unless he died himself tonight, he would not let any harm come to Kyungsoo.

“Jongin,” his soft voice sounded. He was worried, having noticed Jongin’s pale face and weary expression after receiving a short phone call. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said, sliding his phone back into his pocket. He felt extreme guilt clutching at his heart as he reached out to take Kyungsoo’s hand. “Hyung. I need you...I need you to do something for me.”

“Yes. Anything.” Kyungsoo replied, wanting to do all he could to make Jongin feel better.

The words made a lump in Jongin’s throat. “Will you come back with me...to my house? I...I need to go there for a bit.”

“Sure,” Kyungsoo said, nodding his head. That was all? Going back to Jongin’s house? But surely something must’ve been very wrong. Jongin looked so worried, so scared.

“O-okay,” Jongin said, squeezing Kyungsoo’s hand. “Just follow me.”

-

Jongin’s heart was about to pound its way out of his chest. Leading Kyungsoo to the gang’s communal apartment, he felt as though he was leading him straight into the lion’s den, although he swore to protect him. He was crazily nervous. It was quiet behind the door; no usual sounds of chatter, or music and rowdy laughter. All was silent as a tomb. Jongin felt his throat constrict as he slowly opened the door, keeping Kyungsoo behind him. Kyungsoo politely turned around to carefully close the door behind them. Jongin scanned the room while Kyungsoo was busy, and his heart stopped almost dead.

Every member of Jongdae’s gang was here, even drunken Luhan. Even Sehun, his onetime best friend. Jongdae himself was standing in the center of the room, his arms folded, a blank look on his face.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispered, having now turned around to face the eight men. There was a tremor of fear in his voice. “What’s going on? Who are they?”

“Shh,” he whispered back, one hand reaching behind him to squeeze Kyungsoo’s reassuringly. “Just relax. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Jongdae stepped forward, holding open his arms as if to welcome them. “So nice to see you tonight Jongin. You too, Do-ssi.” His voice was scornful and sarcastic as he used the polite honorific. The rest of the gang smirked.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo’s voice was outright shaking now. “Who is he? What does he want?”

“It’s alright,” he murmured back, hoping that he sounded sure of himself. He turned to his boss.

“Jongdae,” he said, nodding to the man he had once admired above anyone, now loathsome to him. “We came. We’re here. Tell me what you want.”

Jongdae smirked, and Kyungsoo gripped Jongin’s arm hard. “I have to commend you for your intellect, Jonggie.” Jongin flinched at the childish nickname. “I never knew that I had raised you to be such an evil genius.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jongin demanded, feeling Kyungsoo’s grip get harder.

“Awe, look at him, being so modest!” Jongdae shouted mockingly, and the rest of the men obediently laughed. Jongdae took another step forward, placing a rough hand on Jongin’s shoulder. “You’ll come into the back with me, and then we’ll talk. Or else.” And just like he always did during a robbery, he pulled back his jacket to reveal his gun holstered at his side. For a gesture he had seen so many times, it had never been this intimidating. “Just you and me, and maybe Wufan and Joonmyun. The rest of you, please, take good care of our esteemed guest,” Jongdae said with a smirk. He turned to Kyungsoo, giving him a mock bow. “We are very pleased that you could come and visit.”

“Don’t you dare hurt him!” Jongin burst out, roughly shaking off Jongdae’s hand from his shoulder. “I’ll go with you, but you all have to promise not to hurt him! Kyungsoo has nothing to do with anything!”

Jongin hadn’t noticed until now that Kyungsoo’s hand had slipped off his arm. Kyungsoo’s eyes were wide, the size of saucers almost, and his hands were clenched into fists. He looked so much smaller, so fragile.

“Don’t hurt him.” Jongin insisted, his voice hard, but with a small trace of fear.

“Oh, Jonggie!” Jongdae said in the tone of a father who rebukes his child. “Do you think we don’t know how to treat a guest? Your Kyungsoo will be just fine with them.” At a nod from Jongdae, Chanyeol silently slipped behind Kyungsoo, locking the door. Kyungsoo desperately looked around the room, his eyes wider and wider.

He locked eyes with Jongin just as Chanyeol put his hand on the smaller man’s shoulder. “Jongin!” he choked out, his voice barely audible.

Jongin felt hot coals of guilt and shame pour over his head as he looked back into his scared, wide eyes. “Don’t hurt him guys!” he shouted once more. “Kyungsoo, it’ll be okay!” he shouted, as Wufan and Joonmyun began to drag him back towards one of the bedrooms. “It’ll be okay Kyungsoo! Don’t hurt him!”

He was cut off by the slamming of the door.

-

Jongin wrestled free from their grip, growling furiously. “Okay, you have me now, Jongdae. What do you want?”

Jongdae languidly stretched, reminding Jongin of a cat, and casually sat down on the bed. Wufan and Joonmyun were blocking the door behind him; no chance of him trying to rush back to Kyungsoo. He took a breath, trying to appear calm and collected, as if today was any other day and if he were at the grocery store.

“Well, well, well,” Jongdae said with a horrible smirk. “Jongin, Jongin, Jongin. Clever. So clever. I’d be proud of you if I didn’t have to hate your guts for being a traitor.”

“What the are you talking about?” Jongin demanded, feeling his anger and desperation to get back to Kyungsoo rising. “How am I a traitor?”

“Oh don’t play innocent with me! It’s tiresome.” Jongdae’s playful and teasing ruse was over, and he was back to the hard, ruthless gang leader Jongin knew. “You thought we weren’t wise to your plans, eh?”

“I have no idea what the you’re talking about!” Jongin protested, his fists squeezing his hands. “What plans?”

Jongdae slammed his fist against the wall, glaring at the younger man he had recruited long ago. “Clever of you, to try and get close to one of the most influential people in this city by getting close to his son. Genius, really.”

“What?” Jongin spat, feeling something hot creep up and down his arms and legs.

“So, you thought that by getting close to a powerful guy, you could get immunity huh? For all our crimes?”

Realization sunk in, and Jongin felt sick. Jongdae and the gang thought that he was just using Kyungsoo. Using him to gain influence.

“No. No! Jongdae, you’re wrong! I don’t-”

He was cut off as Jongdae landed a punch to his jaw, effectively shutting him up. “So, if you had immunity, what would stop you from reporting in all of us? There’d be such profit in that. You might even make a hefty sum from it!” Jongdae spat on the floor, giving Jongin a look of pure contempt. “I took you in. Brought you in as a helpless, penniless orphan. These guys have had your back for years. And me, I’ve saved your countless times. And this is the thanks we get?” Jongdae took a step closer to Jongin, grasping him by the shoulders roughly. “We’ve always been here for you Jonggie! We’re your family! Your ing family!”

Jongin gazed for one moment at the man who had, at one point, saved him, and shoved his hands away. “No. Not anymore. You’re not my family.”

Jongdae wasted no time. Nodding to Wufan and Joonmyun, he walked calmly to the wall closest to the main room where Kyungsoo was, and pounded his fist twice on the wall, loudly, two loud thumps.

At the second thump, the two men grabbed Jongin and held him firm as he began to struggle. “What are you doing Jongdae? What are you doing?”

“Teaching you a lesson. When you’re not with us, you’re against us. And those against us don’t last long. I’d think twice about reporting us, if I were you.”

Jongin continued to struggle. What was going on? What was Jongdae going to do to him? But after a few minutes of just standing there, staring, Jongin realized something that made his heart stop.

Maybe he wouldn’t do anything to him. Maybe he would punish someone else.

A muffled cry was heard on the opposite side of the wall.

-

“Hyung,” Jongin gasped out. He clutched Kyungsoo’s hand so tightly that it was beginning to turn red. Jongin pressed the hand against his chest, directly over his heart, and then pressed his hand over top.

“Hyung,” he said. “C-can you feel my heart? It’s beating so fast…” Despite his closed eyes, tears were working their way down his cheeks.

“Kyungsoo...hyung...that night. On June 20, the worst day of my life. I’m...I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It was all my fault.”

-

“No! Stop it! Jongdae, stop them! Please!”

Jongin was past trying to remain calm, or trying to appear tough. He was desperate now, fully prepared to beg on his knees to be released from this room to go to Kyungsoo’s aid.

The cries and shouts of pain hadn’t stopped. They were coming from a voice that Jongin knew too well. They were hurting him. They were hurting Kyungsoo! This was the worst possible thing that could have ever happened, the one thing he had done all he could to avoid. And yet he had failed.

Kyungsoo was being beaten. And it was all his fault.

Rage suddenly filled him, rage so strong that he somehow managed to break free of Wufan’s grip, and cannoned through the door, racing through the narrow hallway to the main room.

A gruesome scene greeted him. Kyungsoo was on his stomach on the floor, curling up even tighter with every kick that Zitao and Chanyeol delivered to his ribs. He was no longer shouting with pain, but weakly whimpering. Blood streamed from his lip, and there were bruises on his face, below a hideous black eye.

Jongin sprang into action. He violently shoved Zitao backwards so that he would knock into Chanyeol, momentarily distracting them from their helpless target. He had only a few seconds to bend down next to Kyungsoo, laying a gentle hand on the back of his neck. Kyungsoo flinched, whimpering again.

“It’s okay, it’s me,” Jongin said. Chanyeol lurched forward, reaching to wrench Jongin away, but Jongdae emerged from the room.

“Enough,” he said. And with that, everyone fell away, leaving a circle of space between them and Kyungsoo’s figure on the ground. Jongin bent close to him, gently his hair and with utmost care, took his arm, slinging it around his neck and using his own weight to help support Kyungsoo as he stood.

“Get out.” It was quiet now, Jongdae’s voice easily heard. “Get out now, and never show your ugly little faces around here again. You know what’s coming for you if you do.”

Those words were as familiar to Jongin as one of his favorite songs. Glaring one last time at the men he had once lived alongside, he helped Kyungsoo stumble out of the room as carefully as he could, not looking back.

They made it to the top of the stairs without any mishaps. But just as they were about to tackle the stairs, they heard a familiar sound from behind them.

Someone had cocked a gun.

“Run!” Jongin shouted, and grabbed Kyungsoo’s hand. The two men ran as fast as they could down the stairs as a bullet sailed over their heads.

Sehun smirked at the two men, running away like rabbits. He pocketed the gun, smirking at his success in scaring them. Jongdae put his hand on his shoulder, proud of Sehun, thinking to himself that he had found his new protégé.

-

“If I could go back and do anything,” Jongin whispered, pressing Kyungsoo’s limp hand even closer against his chest, “I would make it so that it never happened. I never meant for it to happen. I’ll never forgive myself for it. I...I was so scared. I didn’t care what they might’ve done to me. I only cared about what happened to you. I’m so sorry...I didn’t protect you…”

-

They ran as fast as they could, as far as they could, their footsteps slapping along the pavement, making eerie echoes as they sped by. The streets were dark now, punctuated only by the dim lights of the streetlamps.

Kyungsoo was running pretty fast despite the pain and soreness of his injuries, Jongin couldn’t help but notice. Fear was surely spurring him on, giving him the extra adrenaline to help him get as far away as possible. Jongin kept pace beside him, although he knew he could go much faster. He’d had a lot of practice  in the years before, anyway.

They stopped after a while, directly under a streetlamp, and caught their breaths. Jongin felt his knees buckling, and he sunk down to sit on the curb. He had been afraid, so very afraid. Never before, excepting the time when his mother had died, had he ever felt so helpless and fully at fault. Seeing Kyungsoo helpless and beaten on the floor, at the hands of people who were once his friends had filled him with rage and guilt as hot as coals. This should never have happened to him. He had never meant for such a thing to happen! Jongin shuddered, knowing that he should have protected Kyungsoo better.

Idiot! he cursed himself. You ing moron! How could you let this happen? The sight of poor Kyungsoo’s bruised face made him nauseous, leaving him a burning feeling in his stomach. But in a sick sort of way, he knew that something like this was going to happen. All this time, he had been fooling himself, thinking that he could still have a life with Kyungsoo. But people from Jongin’s world never intermingled with people from his. Even just being with Kyungsoo, being the friend and lover that he had always wanted, he had been putting him in danger. Jongin thought that he had kept Kyungsoo safe by keeping him completely separate from his life on the streets. But he had been stupid. All this time he had hoped that he could have Kyungsoo without revealing the messy details of his life. But now it was too late, and all because of one stupid mistake. He hated himself for letting it slip so easily. But mostly, he hated himself for being the reason in the first place that Kyungsoo was hurt.

Neither of them spoke for a long moment.

“Well,” Kyungsoo huffed, his voice slightly strained. “Wasn’t that invigorating?”

Jongin gave a sudden, startled laugh. Even now, Kyungsoo was able to be sarcastic. Another silence fell, and Kyungsoo eased himself onto the ground beside Jongin, groaning in pain. Jongin shot up, wanting to help Kyungsoo sit. But Kyungsoo irritably brushed away his hands as he reached for him. Jongin winced. He was angry, of course. How could he not be angry?

“Can I do anything for you?” Jongin asked tentatively. “Are you badly hurt? Should I take you home? Or to a hospital?” The words were spewing out of Jongin’s mouth in a worried torrent.

Kyungsoo curtly shook his head. “If I needed a hospital, I wouldn’t have been able to run this far. I’m fine.” But Jongin could tell that he was lying. He had been observing him. Kyungsoo was breathing heavily from the run, but his breaths were somehow shallower; he could tell that he couldn’t take a breath without pain from the kicks that Chanyeol and Zitao had delivered to his chest. Hopefully he hadn’t broken a rib. Jongin was eager to have him see a doctor, but knew he would have a hard time convincing him.

“Are you okay?” he tentatively asked him after another unbearable silence.

Kyungsoo let out a harsh, biting laugh, one that mirrored Jongdae’s, making Jongin’s blood run cold from the startling likeness. “Am I okay? Well, let’s see. I go with you to a strange apartment in the middle of the night, and meet your ‘friends’ who decide to beat me almost to death. I’d say I’m just dandy!”

“Look,” Jongin replied tentatively. “That...that shouldn’t have happened. I’m so sorry.”

Kyungsoo ignored the offered apology, continuing to speak. “Not only that, but these friends of yours told me some very...interesting things.” Kyungsoo turned his blazing eyes onto Jongin’s face. “So. What was all that about me staying away from you, and me not belonging there?”

“Hyung-”

“And all that about if I ever showed my face around there again, I would know what’s coming for me?” Kyungsoo sounded like he was nonchalant and sarcastic, but Jongin could detect a trace of fear in his voice. “What’s all that about?”

“I tried to keep you away from them!” Jongin burst out, unable to bear it any longer. “I didn’t want to leave you alone there! And when I heard you... I tried to get to you, I really did!”

Another silence. “So you knew.”

“What?”

“You knew they were going to beat me up.”

“What?” Jongin was incredulous. “No! I mean...I was afraid that they would do something stupid...but I didn’t know- I-I didn’t want-”

“You still knew. You were one of them once before anyway.”

Kyungsoo’s gaze was piercing right through him. In a way, he was sort of right. Jongin sort of had known. He had been expecting disaster from the very start. “I...I thought I could stop them. I didn’t think they actually would...they’re my friends! I thought they were…”

Kyungsoo heaved a sigh, turning his face away from Jongin’s to look off into the distance. He paused for a beat before speaking again.

“You never told me about them.” His voice was hard, emotionless. “You know, out of all the time we spent together, didn’t you think you could find a spare minute to tell me that you were in a ing gang?”

The words hit home. Jongin felt hot, then cold, then hot again. Of course Kyungsoo would be mad that he had kept this all to himself. But still, he had done it with the best intentions!

“Let me explain,” Jongin pleaded. Kyungsoo sat back, carefully crossing his arms. “I...I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want to tell you. If you had known, you might-” he took a breath- “you might not have...wanted me anymore. And them, if they had known about you…” Jongin trailed off, knowing that he didn’t have to explain any more on that particular front.

“Is that all?”

“I just...I thought I could keep it under control.” he stuttered. “I thought that...I could keep you completely separate from my other life. That’s why I never told you.” The truth was out now. Jongin still felt the guilt of having lied to Kyungsoo deep in his stomach. But maybe now that he had finally come clean, Kyungsoo would understand? Surely he’d see that Jongin’s intentions had been good!

Kyungsoo didn’t speak for a long time. He stared off into the distance, wincing a few times in between from pain, but not making a sound. Jongin sat and waited in agony.

“Please say something.” he begged the older man.

“You told me you worked at a factory.” Kyungsoo suddenly barked, and Jongin drew back at the harsh tone.

“It wasn’t a complete lie. I did once. But I had to tell you something.”

“Yeah, to cover up for your gang.”

“I...I didn’t know what else to say.”

“You could have told me the truth!” Kyungsoo shouted, and suddenly rose to his feet. “You could have told me from the beginning who you were and what you did! Instead of...this whole stupid...charade!”

Jongin felt his muscles tense. He understood all of Kyungsoo’s anger. But something so strange was happening: he was growing angry too. He had done so much already, and it was all wasted. Couldn’t Kyungsoo at least try to understand that Jongin hadn’t meant for any of this to happen, that he had tried as hard as he could to keep this from happening?

“I couldn’t tell you the truth!” Jongin protested, looking up at his hyung’s bruised face. “How could I? You would have left!”

“Oh would I?” Kyungsoo shot back. “You think that I’m that shallow of a person? You think I’m like every other crusty bureaucrat businessman out there and that I wouldn’t dare associate with people like that?” Kyungsoo was pained at the thought. He had bared his very soul to Jongin; he should have known him better than to think he would have left him.

“I just...I didn’t want you to have to mix with a world that doesn’t suit you!” Jongin shouted. “I mean, after all...you’d never last a minute in my town without me there.” This last part was muttered, but Kyungsoo heard.

“I won’t lie and say that I would. But I’d have appreciated a warning. Maybe then next time I get jumped I won’t be so surprised.” Kyungsoo turned around, his back facing Jongin, who was still sitting on the curb, his legs weak.

Again, for a long time, they were silent. The night had grown darker, and the streetlamp steadily dimmer. It did no justice to the bruises on Kyungsoo’s face, making his eye look even blacker, the broken blood vessels in his cheeks even more prominent, and any other visible bruise showed significantly on his pale skin. Jongin kept his eyes on the ground, not wanting to look at Kyungsoo’s face. Those bruises were the evidence of his negligence and stupidity.

Finally, the silence was broken by Kyungsoo’s soft voice.

“You could’ve handled that better, Jongin.”

Jongin drew in a breath, sharp and cold from the night air. “Oh yeah?” he scoffed, suddenly bitter. “How, exactly, could I have done better?”

“Well…”

“You think I could’ve handled it better. But have you ever been in that position before?” Jongin was suddenly defensive and angry. “If it had been you, what would you have done?” Kyungsoo didn’t answer, instead staring at the ground. Jongin continued. “Exactly. You don’t know any better way to have handled it. I did the best that anyone could have done, okay?”

Kyungsoo stared at Jongin, as if to goad him on, waiting to hear what would be said next.

Jongin took the bait. “I’ve done these things thousands of times. I know how to handle myself in these kinds of situations, okay? I know what to do when something like that happens! It’s my ing life!”

“So the best thing to do was to let me get beat up?” Kyungsoo let out a bitter laugh. “If you’ve been in these situations so many times before, do you always see people you care about get hurt? Hmm? Is it normal for you? Is it your life?”

Kyungsoo’s words had become a weapon, and they had wounded Jongin sufficiently. “Look,” Jongin said softly, deciding that it was time to teach Kyungsoo a part of gang life in order to defend himself against his accusations. “I’ve lived this way a long time...and sometimes...you just get hurt, and there’s nothing you can do about it. It happens to everybody, even gang leaders. No matter who you are, you aren’t safe.” Jongin was speaking from experience, remembering his own painful past beatings. “You just…can’t avoid it. When you live this way, you’ll get hurt at some point. But you just roll with the punches. Dust yourself off. Show them you’re not scared. In this kind of life, you can’t get through it without taking a few hits.”

“So…” Kyungsoo said, after hearing everything. “You still mean to say that you were right to do what you did. I just need to it up is what you’re saying?”

“Look, you don’t know anything!” Jongin suddenly flared, his defenses rising. “It’s hard, okay? You think it was easy for me to watch that happen to you, or watch it happen to my old friends? I’ve seen people die before! It isn’t easy, but I lived through it!”

Kyungsoo was taken aback. He had never known this before. He felt a sudden pang of loss; the loss of time knowing the real Jongin, the side of him he’d hidden all this time.

“Of course you’d never know how hard it was!” Jongin was getting angrier, beginning to lose control of the words that came plunging out of his mouth. “You’ve had such a soft, pampered life! You wouldn’t know struggle or hardship if it hit you in the face with a ing baseball bat!” Kyungsoo’s mouth fell open in shock at the harshness of Jongin’s words. And he wasn’t about to stop there. “You’ve never had to struggle! You wouldn’t know what it was like to go without food for days because you couldn’t afford it! You wouldn’t know what it was like to have to survive on your own! My mother killed herself when I was eighteen! Where else was I able to go? I had to join the gang!” Jongin’s face was burning, and there was a terrible taste in his mouth. “You don’t know any of it. You don’t know anything about my life.” He panted, having used up so much of his energy on his missives.

Kyungsoo was still for a moment, his emotions jumbled together in a big mess. He felt a flash of pity for Jongin after hearing his painful history. He felt pain, both physical and emotional, from the hurtful words that Jongin had flung at him. He thought Jongin had known him better than to think that he really was just another pampered, spoiled rich kid without empathy.

But the most prominent in his emotions was betrayal.

Kyungsoo felt a glare working its way onto his face, despite the pain it caused his black eye. “I thought that I knew about your life. I honestly did.” His hands curled into fists. “I thought I knew you. But it turns out that I never knew you at all.”

The adrenaline from his anger suddenly sloughed out of Jongin, replaced with a hot stone of guilt after he realized what Kyungsoo was saying. “Kyungsoo,” he murmured. “I’m...I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen.”

“If you hadn’t lied to me, none of this would have happened in the first place!” he flung back. “I...I trusted you. I told you everything, I shared everything with you. But you lied. You’re not the person I thought you were.” Tears were glistening in Kyungsoo’s eyes now, brought there by the pain of Jongin’s betrayal.

“Kyungsoo!” Jongin shouted, his voice pleading now. “It...it isn’t like that!”

“No.” Kyungsoo took a step backwards, stepping out of the circle of the streetlamp’s dim light. Only Jongin remained there in the light. Raw. Exposed, his lies stripped away to reveal only him.

“I thought...I thought that I had finally found someone who-” Kyungsoo cut off his sentence, a single tear falling from his eye to dribble down his cheek. But he swiped it away, his face going hard.

“Kyungsoo...hyung, no...” Jongin pleaded, realizing what was happening. “Please…” He reached out with gentle hands, the gentle hands he had only for him.

“No.” The word was repeated again; this time with more ferocity, more certainty, and Kyungsoo took another step away from Jongin, avoiding his hand. “No...I...you’ve done nothing but lie to me. I can’t…I can’t be with someone I don’t even know.”

“You can’t leave!” Jongin shouted, his words imbued with pain, anger, desperation. “How can you leave after everything? I...I did so much for you.”

“All you’ve done is lie to me. You’ve done nothing that’s worth me staying with you.”

Jongin felt all the air leave his chest, as if it were him taking the blows that Kyungsoo had taken. He realized now that Kyungsoo didn’t understand, couldn’t understand why Jongin had gone so far to lie to him. All he cared about was the fact that he’d lied at all. He didn’t understand the reasons why he had.

“Hyung!” Jongin yelled, his voice finally breaking. “Don’t go!” Anger, guilt, sadness, disappointment and pain were all mingled together in that broken voice.

Jongin opened his mouth to speak again, but the words that came were the words of his broken heart and wounded pride, not him himself. He wasn’t sure if he really meant them, but said them anyway.

“If you leave me now, you can never come back.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes snapped open and grew wide, staring at the younger man he had thought he loved. He wasn’t sure if Jongin had really meant the harsh words he had just said. Would Jongin really hold true to those words? After all the sweet moments they’d shared, after all the tender things whispered to each other against their skin just last night, could he really mean what he said?

But Kyungsoo realized with a jolt that while the Jongin he thought he knew would never have said those words, the real Jongin, the one he hardly knew at all, revealed to him tonight, could very well mean that he could never come back, that they would never ever be together again.

He tried to harden himself, to stop the flow of tears threatening to overtake him. It’s for the best that I leave, he told himself over and over again. But his heart beat so hard. It was as if it was trying to beat its way out of his chest to hold onto the man he had fallen for so easily.

Jongin recognized the look of certainty on Kyungsoo’s face. He knew that he had made up his mind. He wished he could have taken back the words. But part of him was glad he had said them. He wasn’t completely blameless in this! He wasn’t blameless in being angry at Kyungsoo for refusing to understand, for ignoring his rebuttals and defenses. In Kyungsoo’s mind, he would only be wrong for having lied. He could never understand the kind of things Jongin had done, and would have to do.

And from the beginning, part of him always knew that a man like Kyungsoo didn’t belong with a man like him, could never belong with a man like him. Kyungsoo had always deserved better. He would be the better for their parting. And he would be better off without him too. Kyungsoo had made him soft; he was losing focus and losing his ruthlessness that was the only thing enabling him to survive in this life. It was no wonder that Sehun and Jongdae had become suspicious of him. After falling in love, everything that was once stable in his old life had fallen apart. And after seeing Kyungsoo beaten up, he couldn’t let tonight replay itself, ever again. So he would let Kyungsoo go, and wouldn’t let him come back. It was for his own good. For both of them.

As Kyungsoo left, turning his back on Jongin, still standing in the light of the streetlamp, and as Jongin watched him go, both men knew in their hearts that they didn’t want to leave, that they didn’t want to be apart. But pride and desire for the other’s well-being got in the way of their honest love, making Kyungsoo go in one direction and Jongin the other.

Kyungsoo, once out of sight of Jongin, was so wrapped up in the pain and tears of betrayal and lost, thwarted love, that he didn’t hear or notice the car hurtling down the street towards him. Only when the headlights flashed into his face did he notice, and by then, it was too late.

-

“Oh, hyung,” Jongin choked out, his voice barely audible above his tears. “I was stupid, so stupid. It was nobody’s fault but mine. I shouldn’t have sent you away that night, after they attacked us. I should have stayed with you. Then maybe you wouldn’t have been hit. It’s my fault you’re like this now too.

“All of what I said, I didn’t mean it. I was just angry and confused. You were right. You were always right. I lied. I lied to you so much, and you were right to be angry. I couldn’t see that. God, I was so stupid!”

He pressed the limp hand up to his lips, kissing it quickly before continuing.

“I caused you so much pain. I caused you so much pain that’ll never heal now. I’ll never forgive myself. But…”

Jongin took a deep breath, and not being able to bear the pain of his own guilt and overflowing emotions, threw himself across Kyungsoo’s body, holding onto him tightly.

“Hyung,” he whispered, his voice sore and racked with tears. “Please...if you can hear me...if you’re there somewhere, please hear me. I’m so sorry. I’m so...so sorry! Please...wherever you are…please forgive me!”

-

Kyungsoo’s eyes filled with tears. That is, if he was even able to produce any.

Jongin had come to him. It was a year later, but he had still come to him. He had come, and he had stayed with him these last four days before his end. He had talked to him, not even knowing that Kyungsoo could hear him, that he was right nearby. He had reminisced about all their days together at the riverside, everything that they had ever talked and laughed about.

And now, he was crying pitifully, like a small child, apologizing for everything that had happened. Everything, from the attack of his gang to the accident. He had taken all that blame upon himself! Kyungsoo shivered. It must’ve been the hardest burden for Jongin to take on, ever.

“I left the gang,” he was saying now. “I never went back. I began to live on my own.”

Oh, Jongin. The words echoed through Kyungsoo’s very being. You left the gang? Good. I’m proud of you.

“I tried, but I never forgot you. I thought you never wanted to see me again. I thought that that was why you never called, why I never saw you.”

I never forgot you either…

“I have never stopped blaming myself for what happened to you. It’s all my fault. I’d give anything to fix it all...to bring you back…”

Idiot, Kyungsoo thought affectionately. Don’t blame yourself. It was out of your hands. It was too much for anyone to control.

Jongin raised his face, and forced himself to look into Kyungsoo’s face as he said his next words.

“I never meant it when I said that you couldn’t come back. I...I always wanted you to come back.”

Kyungsoo’s heart began to race. And in his body, his heart began to skip an irregular beat.

-

Yixing came into the room, hesitating when he saw Jongin flung across the patient. His heart nearly broke at the sad scene before him. But there was nothing more he could do.

“Jongin,” he said solemnly. “It’s...time. Soon.”

Jongin wrenched his gaze away from Kyungsoo to nod despairingly at Yixing. “Is...his father coming?”

Yixing sadly shook his head. Mr. Do had come in a long time ago, and had already said his farewell to his son. Jongin saw the nurse shake his head and felt a brief flash of anger. His father wasn’t coming. Did his business really matter that much more than his own son? So much so that he wouldn’t even be present as his son took his last breath? Yixing backed out of the room to await the doctors, leaving Jongin the last precious few moments alone with Kyungsoo.

Trying to halt his tears, Jongin turned to the man that he had been in love with for so long to say his last goodbye.

“I’m so sorry hyung. Please forgive me. I...I love you.”

-

Kyungsoo could not be still any longer.

Before, he had been resigned to his fate. But now, he would not allow it. He couldn’t die, not yet.

Jongin had told him he loved him. He loved him. He loves me! he thought joyously. Jongin, I love you too! Jongin, I forgive you! Don’t go! Wait! I’m coming!

Kyungsoo had tried this a few times before, back when he was still desperate to live. Each time, he had failed, and soon gave up, but not this time. This time, he had everything to lose. With every bit of his strength, Kyungsoo moved his spirit body an inch towards his real body. He felt that as soon as he touched it, he would return to it. For only being an ethereal spirit, it was so difficult to move. Every body part, even his eyelashes, felt leaden and heavy. All he could manage was to raise his hand. But he summoned up all his strength, gritting his teeth. He could do this. Closer, closer- just a little more! Using up the last bit of strength he had, he reached forward towards his body, and touched his own hand, feeling a tingle there.

He felt a sudden jolt, as his spirit was drawn back into his body, in like water down a drain in a sink. Everything began to hurt as he took on the full pain of his bodily injuries. It was agonizing, and despite the strength that his spirit body had brought, he felt it sapping away, almost as if he really was dying.

No. No, this will work. I will live.

He fought hard to wake up.

-

“Jongin...please don’t make this any harder.” Yixing pleaded with him. He had seen many scenes like this before, but it hadn’t gotten any easier for Yixing to send his patients off.

“I’m sorry.” Jongin murmured, wiping away the last of his tears. “But...may I stay? While you…”

“It will be hard to watch,” Yixing admitted from bitter experience, as the doctor went over the charts one last time.

“I don’t care.”

“Everything’s ready,” the doctor said gruffly to Yixing. “Hurry up and get him out so we can begin.”

“No!” Jongin screeched desperately, grabbing a hold of the doctor’s lab coat. “Please, let me stay! I have to be with him!”

There was a small spark of something like pity in the doctor’s eyes, but his face hardened, and he shook Jongin off. He was still a doctor, and he still had to do his job.

“Take him out of here, Yixing, and call for the backup team. We’ll begin as soon as they’re here.”

Yixing felt grim as he dragged Jongin out, having to use all his strength to wrestle him out of the room.

Jongin felt lost. He felt sick. He felt shattered. Kyungsoo was gone now, gone for good. His strength sapped away and he leaned heavily on Yixing, keening. Yixing was still, offering quiet words of comfort.

But then there came a shout from the patient’s room.

“Y-Yixing!” the doctor bellowed. “Call the backup team and get in here right now!”

-

Kyungsoo’s eyes had snapped open, and he had taken a big, gasping breath.

He had scared the wits out of the doctor, who had been leaning over him, prepared to remove the oxygen mask. He had seen it clearly; the patient was alive.

In complete surprise he had yelled for the nurse to confirm what he had seen. Yixing dashed into the room, looking at the doctor questioningly.

“T-the patient…”

Yixing gave a yell. His patient’s eyes were open and blinking slowly. Looking down at the patient’s mouth, he could see that it was open, taking long, gasping breaths. The monitors attached to him, which had been for the last year monotonously beeping steadily, were now going crazy: the patient’s blood flow and oxygen levels were up, and his heart was beating strong.

“It...it can’t be…” Yixing whispered, feeling joy flooding through him. Keeping quiet no longer, he raised his voice in happiness.