Sehun walked on the streets he used to frequent with his best friend, reaching the Chinese restaurant they had arranged to meet. He was alone this time, since Luhan just moved out with his girlfriend. The mere thought of it made him cringe, and the all too familiar pain at his left chest reminded him to stay alert.

“Table for three.” He kept his sentences short, following the waitress and sat down, worn out. He knew there were circles under his eyes, and his cheeks had sunk in a little but it was hard to focus on anything, when he knew the person who had his all obviously didn’t feel the same.

“Hun!” In walked Luhan, with that girl and he took in a deep breath. Hiding his emotions was hard, but he couldn’t bear to even imagine the pain his hyung might go through, if he knew everything.

“I ordered already. So, how’s it going between the two of you?” He forced a small smile, and Luhan grinned, raising their interlocked hands up. The matching rings caught his attention, and he knew those weren’t simple couple rings.

“We’re getting engaged.” Hana smiled, one that reached her eyes and he smiled wistfully. It was hard not to dislike her, but he was trying his best. He was trying to conceal his feelings, to put up a front and it was all for his hyung.

“Congrats, you two. I don’t want to be an uncle too soon though.” He joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere and they blushed, looking at each other. The mere thought of his hyung on bed with someone else gave his heart a small punch, and he regretted bringing the topic up.

“Have you been eating and sleeping properly? You’re getting skinnier again!” Luhan scooted closer, letting go of her hand and observed his best friend’s face. Reaching up, he poked at the taller boy’s cheeks and Sehun flinched unexpectedly.

“I’m fine. It’s just the stress from projects. You know, I’m taking engineering after all.” He forced an empty smile and Hana frowned, the expression a little out of place on her always-smiling face.

“Sehun, you can always tell us what’s wrong. We’ll help!” She punched the air and he laughed. It was times like this he was glad his hyung found someone like her. Someone that could cheer him up, that could bring him out of the pits he always dug for himself.

“I’ll be fine.” Food was served, and he watched as the two took turns feeding each other. I’ll really be fine.

Sehun lay on his bed, the rise and fall of his chest from each breath he took more and more tiring. His eyes were burning and he squeezed his eyes shut. Don’t cry, Sehun. Don’t cry.

It was always easier to talk than to actually do something. So when he told himself to be strong, it was too difficult to. He wiped the tears away with his wrists, sniffing while looking at a photo his hyung had forced him to take, then sent to him.

‘Smile, Hun!’ Luhan skipped over with his new Polaroid and the taller boy ducked, avoiding his hug. The older boy pouted, his eyes drooping and Sehun sighed.

‘Why?’ He hated how he always sounded so annoyed and impatient, but he knew Luhan would understand him. After all, he was the only one who knew him inside out.

‘To take a picture, obviously~’ He chuckled, jabbing the younger’s ribs and Sehun gave in.

‘I meant why take a photo, I wasn’t asking for the reason to smile.’ He rolled his eyes but posed anyway and Luhan grinned, raising the camera high. As they waited for the two pictures to load, Luhan’s smile disappeared.

‘Hun-ah, I’m going back to Beijing. I don’t know if I’ll be coming back, but you have to keep that with you all the time. You can’t forget about me!’

Sehun sighed, rolling his eyes at the dull ache at his chest. He remembered how happy he was when his hyung finally came back after 4 years, and the shock from finding out about his girlfriend. He could recall it as though it only happened the previous day, and he cursed at how pathetic he was.

‘Hyung! You’re… back.’ Sehun jumped, his unusual excitement a huge contrast to his usual stoic face. He stopped jumping, freezing when he saw the female luggage he was pulling behind him, and the girl who was trying to get it back from him. Chinese. They were both conversing in Chinese.

‘Hun-ah, this is Hana. I swear, this is fate—Hun, Han, Hana.’ Luhan laughed, the same crinkling of his eyes Sehun had spent years with. Now, the smile was no longer his alone. The sudden feeling of loss made him mentally stagger, but he remained standing. It’ll be fine.

It’s not fine, though. Sehun smiled ruefully, wanting to laugh at how ridiculous he was being. How could he be, when his one and only hyung was taken?

148 days.

“Hello, Mr. Oh speaking.” Sehun frowned, his phone placed between his shoulder and head as he checked his hair in the mirror. I knew I should’ve blow-dried it last night. Pulling at a tuft, he tried to straighten it out while humming accordingly as replies to the man speaking on the other side.

“Yes, I’d like the entire hall, please… sure, thank you.” He tried to sound as lighthearted as possible but then again, he saw no reason to be nice to someone other than his hyung. With the exact same logic, there was no reason for him to be rude to someone who hadn’t angered him in any way.

132 days.

“So… How do I look?” Luhan spun a round with his arms raised, showing his best friend the 14^th tuxedo they’d tried on and Sehun sighed, shaking his head. To be very honest, his hyung looked good in everything to him but he wanted the tux that made him look the best.

“Less ugly than usual. Next.” Sehun had his feet kicked up on the back of the chair before him and made a shooing motion with his hands. Pouting, his hyung got dragged back into the dressing room and he finally let the smile off his face. I’m tired.

“Hun-ah, how’s—” Luhan froze at his best friend’s expression. It was one of admiration, shock and amazement. Yet to Sehun, what he felt was originally surprise at how good the top made him look. He later suffered a painful drop to the bottom of the pits, reminding himself that his hyung was no longer his. Luhan smiled at his face, which gave him the feeling of a boy seeing his crush in a y dress.

“I’m hot, huh?” He winked, gesturing to him before putting his hands in his pockets and Sehun chortled. The black complemented the perfect fair skin his hyung had, accenting his dark hair and gave him the perfect look.

“Yeah, right. C’mon, I’ve already picked mine out.” He dusted his pants, clicking his tongue at his watch so his hyung would know how long they had taken, but Luhan ignored him.

“Go change into the suit. I want my best man to be in perfect condition too!” He let the helper pull Sehun into the dressing room and the boy knew the older one was grinning from ear to ear outside. Knowing there was no way out of it, he began to change obediently.

‘Whoa,’ was all Luhan said when the boy tugged at his collar, folding the cuffs of his shirt. He was in a random grey suit he’d pulled out earlier on while waiting for his hyung, though the pants he was wearing didn’t go well with the suit. Luhan clapped excitedly, before placing his hands together beside his face and pouting a little.

“Man, you’ll attract everyone's attention and become the main character of the night.” He grinned, putting his thumbs up and Sehun rolled his eyes. If only he knew how much he would trade that attention for his love. It’s impossible, Sehun. Don’t even think about it; you’re just beating yourself down.

But he couldn’t stop himself. If only I was the main character, next to you… if only that was true.

85 days.

“Hyung?” Groggily, Sehun rubbed his eyes and checked the time on his digital clock. 3:08am.

“S-Sehun?” He froze, the shaking of her voice getting to him and his grip on his phone tightened. It was Hana, and she sounded like she was crying.

“Did something happen to Luhan?” He had always been careful to not call him ‘Han’, since it was an overly affectionate name. She sniffed, her voice breaking occasionally as she told him everything, from how she’d woken up to him groaning, to him throwing up and losing consciousness, and finally to him getting on the ambulance.

“I’m on my way there now, but I thought it would be better to c-call you.” He remained quiet, and her voice trembled a little as she asked, ‘Hun, you okay?’

“Don’t call me that.” He growled, grabbing his bag and hung up without a goodbye. It was times like this he wished he knew how to drive, but he had to make do. Flagging a cab, he waited with his head pressed against the window. Please be alright, hyung. Please.

“Sehun, you’re here!” He could read the anxiety rolling off in waves around her, but he ignored her greeting and went straight for the emergency room. Please… oh. He watched with fearful eyes and a palpitating heart as his hyung was rolled out of the room, still unconscious.

“Is he alright?” Hana’s hand was trembling as she looked up at the doctor. He smiled, shaking his head.

“He had some circulatory problems likely induced by stress, but if he was sent in any later it would have gotten worse.” Sehun sat down on the bench in relief, the blood finally rushing to his head. Thank god he’s fine. The mere thought of his hyung getting hurt made him break out in cold sweat, and he leaned his head back against the wall. It was another reminder of his feelings for the man, a much-unneeded one.

When he looked up, Hana was already gone and he bit on his lip, not knowing if he should go in. For all he knew, they could be having some couple time. Couple time, huh.

“Hyung.” Sehun made himself at home on the other chair available, plopping his feet up beside Luhan’s.

“Hun—”

“Shut up. It’s your health to take care of, hyung. You’re not just responsible for yourself right now; you’re an engaged man.” The word made his chest constrict painfully, but what had to be said had to be. He looked up at Hana, and took in a deep breath.

“Do you know how worried Hana was? She was crying on the phone, hyung. I’m your best man, so I’ll take over everything regarding your engagement party, rehearsal dinner and wedding. Every, single, thing.”

It was a little painful, having to watch the girl touch his hyung here and there. It was even worse, knowing that he had absolutely no chance of winning him back. After all, it was just his own delusion that his hyung was really his. He’s not just mine anymore.

It made Sehun sick to the guts, just thinking about the calls and all the smiles he had to fake. But he also knew this was his duty as his best friend. He wanted his hyung to have the best wedding ever, the most memorable one. It may hurt, but if it was for one simple smile, it was worth it. The only lacking part was that the smile probably would not be directed towards him.

36 days.

“Lu Han and Hana Park

Invite you to join us at the celebration of our marriage.

Hana Park

To Lu Han”

The cringes Sehun made while typing the simple words out and editing the images were indescribable. He doubted he could even keep track of how many times he’d winced in sudden pain. Calling up the printing store, he requested for the copies to be done by a week.

To be very honest, if he hadn’t known his hyung well, he would have thought he was torturing his brother on purpose. It was like being driven over by dozens of trucks, yet was incomparable to physical pain. Sehun would choose for his body to hurt all over than for his heart to go through such misery. Then again, he would survive. He would last through all this, in order to see his hyung smiling. His simple word of thanks was more than enough.

28 days.

Sehun paced about, his pen balanced on his reading glasses as he cursed the printing shop. I should’ve known they would be late. I should have planned properly and sent it out earlier! He ruffled his, taking the pen off and finally heard the ringing of his doorbell.

Signing on the receipt, he took the second copy and began checking through every single invitation, before personally sealing them. It looks good. Hyung, be proud of me.

The seating plan was half done, though Sehun was still hesitant about putting certain people together and others apart. He knew he would have to put up a front while facing Luhan’s parents, as the groomsman’s best man. I am so screwed.

Yet, he didn’t regret taking over the planning and preparations. It gave him a kick in the face, realizing that his hyung wasn’t really his. Right from the start, he was nothing more than a best friend to his hyung.

12 days.

“Yeol, have you gotten your speech ready? I called you up about 3 months ago you brat, you’d better be prepared.” Sehun had his legs crossed, his earpiece on as he earned 300 XP from a headshot. Hell yeah.

“Well duh. But… Are you okay with everything?” Sehun froze, his screen flashing red, indicating loss of health. He watched his character re-spawn, and smiled. I can’t re-spawn in life. I can’t try over and over again to get his heart. I can’t fail at this game, but I know I’m not going to win.

“Yeol, what are you—?”

“Don’t bother hiding it from me. Baekhyun and I know. The expression you have on your face is the exact same one I had when I saw him. I know.” Sehun smiled bitterly, unplugging his console.

“Well then, you’re wrong.”

1 day.

“Hyung! It’s your last day being a bachelor! Enjoy your bucks’ party!”

“Yeah! Damn, I don’t know I envy or pity you!”

The boys crowded around the soon-to-be married man, screaming and Xiumin ruffled Luhan’s hair affectionately. Chanyeol raised his glass, grinning but Baekhyun knew something was off. The creeper grin was a little forced, and he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.

‘What’s wrong?’ The two of them wandered away from the main crowd and the taller boy patted the older one’s head. He didn’t have to say anything for Baekhyun to figure it out; they had a perfect view of the boy leaning against the counter with a can of soda. He was in a casual shirt and jeans; looking healthier than the last time Chanyeol had seen the boy. Yet, the aura around him was horrible. It was so bad, that no one dared to stand near him.

‘There’s nothing you can do about it and you know it. You don’t have to feel bad.’ The two watched Sehun finish his Coke, his eyes on a certain male the entire time. They recognized the flashes of annoyance and pain, then regret and hatred at he himself.

The boy was in the grey suit he’d randomly grabbed, and frowned at how his tie was out of shape. If only… no, don’t even think about it. He doesn’t help anyone with ties anymore; he’s the one getting help. He squeezed his eyes shut, the tightness at his chest killing him slowly and felt the tears coming.

It’s Luhan’s great day, Sehun. You planned so much for this. Don’t screw this up.

He had his arms folded, checking the attendance with his eyes and frowned. Where’s Chen? He’s one of the speakers he can’t be too late.

His hyung was at the entrance of the hall, his bright smile welcoming everyone who came. It was true-to-the-heart smile; one that Sehun knew his hyung would only have because of that girl.

It was so painful. He didn’t know why he was torturing himself like this, since he had plenty reason to reject Luhan’s request. He didn’t know why he felt such obligation to take over the entire planning of the event. Closing his eyes, he sighed. I love him. Maybe, just maybe, that’s why I’ve done all this.

Sehun stood at the balcony, attempting to let the cool breeze blow his worries away. The ceremony was in an hour’s time, and everything was going according to plan. Hair, check; tie, check; suit, check; shirt cuffs, check; shoes, check; ring, check.

“Hun-ah!” He hadn’t noticed the footsteps and the man’s arm around his neck surprised him, making him jump a little. Luhan laughed, his eyes crinkling at the sides and the twinkle that had first attracted him still there. It had the exact same effect on him as the first time he’d seen it.

“What are you doing here?” His permanent grin made even Sehun grin back. Every tooth he showed seemed to be biting down on his tongue, and the fingers gripping the railing gnawed at his own heart.

“Just… thinking.” It was a vague answer and he knew it. Yet, it was the truth. Not even his hyung could know his deepest, darkest secret.

“About what? When you’d get married too?” Sehun tensed up a little before frowning. It hurts. He knew marrying somebody would mean putting his hyung to the back of his heart. He knew he would have to piece his heart back together and present it to someone other than his hyung. The mere thought of it made him cringe.

“I’m still young, hyung. Why are you out here?” Luhan took the boy’s cringe as horror at getting married and jabbed his ribs.

“Getting married to the girl you love is the best thing ever, Hun. You’ll know it in the future too. The near future, hopefully.” Hearing his hyung talk about marriage and love made him bite on his lip. If only he could replace emotional pain with physical pain.

“I get it. Answer my question.” His hyung was quiet, the silence between them unbearable for some reason. The silence screamed at him, and Sehun cleared his throat. His hyung looked at him with raised brows, his familiar feminine features tugging his heart even deeper into the pit.

“Hun-ah, I have something that may be a little awkward to tell you. You… were my first love.” The man blushed a little and laughed, shaking his head while the boy froze, the colour draining out of his face.

“Don’t talk, just let me speak. You were, to me, a huge mystery. Unraveling you was so fun, that I slowly fell in love. Remember the day before I returned to Beijing?” His hyung grinned, clicking his tongue at himself. Sehun swallowed once, not knowing what to think. It was more of him not wanting to think. He knew that processing this new information would cause more harm than good. Getting a nod in reply, Luhan continued on.

“Well, that was the day I figured I should let it go. I knew you wouldn’t feel the same towards me.” You’re wrong, hyung. The day you gave up, that very same day I realized my feelings. Hyung. Sehun kept up an indifferent expression, his eyes not looking into Luhan’s. Stop, hyung. I’ll break.

“Then I met Hana. She’s the most amazing, the most beautiful woman I’ll ever have in my life. Don’t say anything about mothers being number one, because mine’s long gone. So, Hana’s number one. I don’t know if she’ll still be number one if my mother were to be here, but then again it doesn’t matter.” Every word his hyung said seemed to carve their way onto Sehun’s heart and he closed his eyes, bearing with the sharp stabs of pain and the dull ache following.

“I want you to meet somebody like that too, Hun. I feel like an old man right now, but I meant it.” Luhan smiled again, such kindness and warmth behind it that Sehun couldn’t bear to look away. He knew he embodied a sad puppy that moment, but he couldn’t.

Ruffling Sehun’s hair, his hyung walked away, leaving the 19-year-old alone on the balcony. If he were depressed, jumping would seem attractive. Maybe, just maybe, his hyung would love him after he did. But he wasn’t going to waste his life away. I’m not going to make him cry. I’m not going to make anybody cry.

If only I had realized his feelings for me earlier. If only I stopped him from going to Beijing. If only I… If only I had been better than this, than this pile of nothing that can only watch his love get taken away.

The pain hit him full on all of a sudden and Sehun stumbled on his feet, sitting down on the ground. His arms on his knees, he willed his tears to remain in his eyes. I’m not going to cry, either. I’ll be strong. Watch me be strong, hyung.

The emcee was just as Sehun had wanted; he was tall, charismatic and good with his words. Yet, nothing could take his eyes away from his hyung as he walked down to take the girl’s hand gently from her father’s. The tears in the middle-aged man’s eyes were threatening to overflow, as were Sehun’s. Don’t cry. You’re not supposed to.

The exchange of rings was the worst part, in Sehun’s opinion. He felt like a father marrying his daughter away, but Luhan was never his to begin with. He was the boy that his hyung had given up on. If anything, he belonged to his hyung, not the other way round.

He’d seen them kiss countless times, but could never bring himself to watch them. He always looked away or pretended to be occupied with something else, but this time he forced himself to look. Every second that passed felt like an icicle dropping from the ceiling of a cave, killing him multiple times and the two finally separated.

It hurt. It hurt so badly, but he had to watch them. It was a final reminder that his broken heart could no longer belong to its original owner. In a crude way, his hyung had thrown the red, pumping organ away and trampled over the shards. Even if he picked the pieces up, there would definitely still be a shard remaining, nowhere to be found. Maybe it was under his hyung’s shoes.

No matter what it was, he could no longer do anything, but watch himself burn.

“C’mon, Hun! Let’s take a picture together!” Hyung ran over, pulling my hand and threw his arm around my shoulder. It was hard, especially after watching that very same hand touch that girl, but I managed to let a smile surface. This is what I worked so hard for. All I wanted was his smile, and I’ve gotten it.

The camera flashed, and we took another photo on the Polaroid. I still haven’t gotten used to it, but if hyung says he wants a photo, then I want one too.

The way home on Chanyeol’s car was probably the worst. He talked about everything except hyung, be it the weather or the latest celebrity gossip. It’s nice of him to do that, but I knew what he was trying to do. He even avoided talking about things related to hyung, which got a little on my nerves.

“Yeol, I like him.” Mentally I corrected myself but rolled my eyes at myself. “You were right.” It felt much better to admit it, with the weight thrown off my shoulders. Yet, the pain that followed hit me so hard the tears I had been holding in just overflowed. Baekhyun turned at my sudden sniffle and the look of pure shock and worry comforted me, if only a little. Chanyeol panicked while driving, but the oldest among us just told him to continue driving.

“Sehun, it’ll all be fine. I promise on my nonexistent ity, that everything will be okay.”

Hyung, if only you were here. The sunset was especially beautiful. For the few minutes, I stood at my window and watched as the sun hid behind clouds. Yet, it couldn’t disappear from my line of sight. Maybe hyung was like that too; no matter how much others covered him, I could see him clearly.

If anything, hyung was the one who let me feel these feelings. I was his first love, as he was mine. He gave up on the hopeless feelings he’d felt me, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to move on. Not after the shards of my heart are still stuck under his soles.

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It's a little sad and stuff, but i still hope you guys liked it :) I have another Baekyeol story too, for those of you who prefer boy x boy coupling... though the setting is a little weird too.

It's called Figment, but there are quite some vulgarities in there. Hope you enjoy it too!

Oh and, there's a poll on the next page :) please answer it!