His world was dark.

Closing his eyes were torture as darkness completely surrounded him but he couldn’t stand them opened either. Everywhere he looked, the memories of the games haunted him, hindering him from continuing on. Sometimes there would come a little shred of hope that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. But just when he takes a step further, all the sceneries of the past came crashing, throwing him to the ground with such force that he wasn’t able to recover.

He was a survivor.

A victor at the mere age of 15.

Survived the bloodbath, survived the games.

And yet he couldn’t endure the darkness, couldn’t see the light.

Kim Jongin was trapped in the horrifyingly endless tunnel of shadows and he couldn’t see a way out.

~*~

The crowd cheered and applauded as she waved with a small smile adorning her face. She was trying not to scream, not to shout at the adoring crowd how much of a sadist they are. She focused on the graciousness she felt upon surviving, being able to take a breath while the others cease to exist. Not too long until home, she coaxed herself, a new home.

The trip back home was full of anticipation, of longing and nightmares, especially the nightmares. She hoped it wouldn’t stay long, that in a few days or weeks, it would pass over and leave her be with this new life of luxury and fame.

But it haunted her every time she closed her eyes at night and every time she opened her eyes. She wondered if moving on would be possible when she had seen so many blood being shed, innocent lives taken away and how she had survived because that happened.

Would she be able to live with herself?

Jung Soojung saw a dark tunnel ahead and her world was dimming.

~*~

It seems to be a custom for every family in the victor’s village to invite the newest victor for a meal at their house.

Soojung only had a brief moment reuniting with her family in her new home where she found all of her things being moved there already, before the bell rang and a line of people with gift baskets and congratulations appeared, inviting them for dinner at their house. Her mother didn’t hesitate to turn down the offer of course, reasoning that it’s best to know the neighbors sooner rather than much later. No one disagreed and everything went on as usual.

Soojung watched her family from the corner of the room. Her parents were chatting away on how to improve their new house while her sister was busy enjoying all the luxury she had just received. But none of them cared to ask how she felt about the games, about surviving the bloodbath or the endless nights she spent alone. She watched as her family became what she hated the most.

And she began to take her first step into the tunnel of shadows.

~*~

The son was the victor, she learned later on when her mother told her on their way to their neighbor’s house for dinner. The same age as she was and won the games a few years ago. She didn’t asked more and didn’t dwell on the possibilities of knowing the said boy. She was never fond of the games, stopped watching (tried to at least) ever since she was eligible for the reaping.

There weren’t many victors from District 7 but not too few either. It was a poor district with the only training they ever had were how to handle an axe and surviving in the forest for a day or two. So Soojung was glad there weren’t many neighbors to get to know and sit down and have dinner with.

Most of the victors (she had learned before the games) were either alcoholics or drug addicts and she wondered sometimes the reason they picked up on the obsession. Then she speculated if this other victor, whose house she’s going to, is one of those who drank their sorrows away and tried to forget. Maybe she could learn a thing or two on how to forget.

The dinner went fine for the first part of the night. There was no sign of the son, only his two sisters who chatted with her sister most of the night. Her parents talked with the boy’s parents about this new neighborhood and somehow the scene disgusted her. They talked as if something bad didn’t just happened, as if the whole ordeal didn’t exist.

She tried focusing on the food but her appetite was already gone and even though she made a vow to never waste food (especially after having to fight so hard for it in the games), she excused herself and went out for some fresh air.

~*~

The layout of the house wasn’t that much different from hers and she figured it must be the same for all the houses in the Victor’s Village. The fresh air did some good, cleared her thoughts on how strange every one’s behaving, but it made way for the nightmares, the memories of those days she spent alone at night, wondering if anyone’s on her tail, if another tribute would come and kill her in her sleep.

She found that she didn’t mind if that happened either. What’s so good about living anyway?

Soojung found herself in the backyard, a fountain standing gracefully at the center of it all and decided to rest her legs there. Maybe the sound of water would calm her down.

It did for a few seconds but then the images came again and she closed her eyes instantly. The darkness only made it worse as the flashes became more vivid, more haunting than ever and she began to sob furiously, wishing the nightmares would go away and leave her be.

She cried and cried and heard only her voice and saw only the gory pictures in her head. It wouldn’t go away, nothing would make it go away, her mind screamed. There was a slight touch on her shoulders so she opened her eyes slowly and the first thing she thought she saw through her the tears that blurred her vision, was an angel.

It wasn’t an angel of course, she realized after her eyes cleared a bit and her vision started to sharpen again. It was probably the way he stand behind the light that shone through the darkness of the night. For a second there, she thought she found a light to bring her out from the shadows she was trapped in. No, it was just another boy.

But it wasn’t just another boy.

“Soojung?” he said and she wondered how he knew her name. She didn’t reply however and went back to the nightmares almost willingly. She didn’t realize he was already sitting next to her.

He sighed and that caught her attention. “How’d you win?”

Soojung turned to her right and was surprised to see someone from her past, someone she’d never thought she would see again, sitting beside her, his arm almost touching hers.

“Didn’t watch the games, doofus?”

“Not since Jinri...”

He trailed off and she knew better than to taunt him.

“I didn’t kill anybody,” she murmured inaudible to one of great distance from her, still refusing to look anywhere but the ground.

“I did.”

Soojung hummed in acknowledgement and let the cool wind of autumn fill the silence that follows.

“Does it bother you? The nightmares?” she asked, surprised that the nightmares are fading even though the topic was arise.

“Every second of my life,” he answered with sorrow in his words.

“There’s no way around this, huh?”

“Probably not.”

“How long has it been? Three years? Four?”

“Three and still strong.”

“Huh.”

It was quiet again and the memories took its chance to weave their way back in and Soojung tried hard to resist the impact of the crash but ultimately fails. Tears started streaming down her face and she broke into a heart-wrenching sob once again. The difference this time was having Kim Jongin holding her tightly.

She felt something warm and wet at the top of her head and realized he’s probably feeling the same thing. There was comfort somehow on his chest and wished he’d never let go.

Jongin looked at her for the first time in a long while and realized how beautiful she was, broken and all, and wondered if she thought of the same thing for he was wrecked beyond repair. He couldn’t stop himself from wiping the tears off her face and gently caressed her cheeks, silently wondering if it had scratches that the Capitol had probably fixed.

Their shoulders touched and his hand her cheek and Soojung felt this peculiar urge to wipe the sadness off of his face. She held his hand and stopped his gentle caresses, never leaving her eyes off of his and she saw the brief flicker of regret in his eyes as she put his hand back to his side.

She didn’t know what came over her as she moved closer to him and brought their lips together. He kissed her back and she could feel the sadness, the longing, the misery he was feeling and told him the same. When they broke apart, he brought their foreheads together, his eyes closed and hers did too.

“I missed you,” he breathed.

“I did too.”

He brought her in for another kiss and this time it was saltier as they taste each other’s tears on their lips. They broke apart smiling, thinking there might be hope to this damned life after all.

Maybe the light they saw in each other would be their escape from the endless spiral of shadows.

~*~

Soojung met Jongin when he was 11. She couldn’t remember most of the detail of their first meeting but she remembered Jinri being a part of it. They met Sehun later on and the four of them were inseparable.

But then Jinri, Jongin and Sehun turned 12 and were deemed eligible for the reaping, mandatory even (her twelfth birthday didn’t come until after the games). There’s not a word in this reality that could describe what Soojung felt as her friends stood in the crowd of potential tributes for the games while she stood at the side, praying that none of them were taken away from her. Her sister was in there somewhere and so were her friends’ siblings. She prayed for them too.

Her prayers worked that year.

The year after, she finally turned 12 and joined her siblings and friends for the reaping. That was a whole other feeling as well. She clutched onto Jinri’s hands and prayed. She thought if she kept on praying neither of her friends would be taken away from her.

But she realized she needed more than just prayers when Jinri’s name was called and she felt her hands loosening on her grip and she walked to the front, dazed and all.

Jinri was 13 and she didn’t survive the bloodbath.

They never recovered when Jinri left and Sehun had the worst of it. So, Soojung and Jongin spent most of their time with Sehun, coaxing him back into life and just when it seemed that he could finally live a day without crying Jinri’s name, the reaping came again and this time Sehun had to go.

He walked to the front with a smile on his face.

They had the chance to meet him before he was gone and asked why he was smiling. He said, “maybe I can meet Jinri,” and Soojung knew he will never come back.

Sehun was 14 and he died stepping off the plate before it was time.

Soojung and Jongin was the only one left in their clique.

There were times Soojung would cry when she thought of how Jinri was no longer there to gush about every pretty thing she saw or how Sehun would never be there to make jokes that weren’t so funny but they would end up laughing anyway because he was such a sensitive boy. And every time she cried, Jongin was there.

He was always there and she didn’t want it any other way. He was the only friend she has left and she prayed harder this time for him to stay.

Alas it was never meant to be.

Jongin was chosen as the male tribute on the next reaping and Soojung felt her heart dying as he went away.

She refused to watch the games still and retreated into a cold façade she created so that no one else could come and make her cry ever again.

Soojung waited and waited for the terrible news that he died or was killed but it never came and she thought that maybe this time one of her friends would come back to her.

He won but he didn’t come back.

She never saw him when he came home so she stopped hoping he would come to her. She soon realized he may have forgotten her so she should try and do the same. Reapings come and go and she never saw him up on the stage with the mayor and the other victors. It wasn’t until the last year she was eligible for reaping (which seemed a lifetime ago) that she saw him on the stage; grief and sorrow clouded his eyes.

She was barely there when her name was called, her eyes too fixed on his even as she went nearer and nearer to the stage. It wasn’t until they call her name again at the very end of the reaping that his eyes met hers and she saw pure terror in his eyes.

Her family came and went with their final goodbyes and such. They were tearing up and Soojung knew they never thought she would survive. She was still numb, unable to wrap her mind on what’s currently happening.

The time for goodbyes had ended and she saw the guards coming for her. But then there was Jongin, running towards her, passing the guards and ignoring how their rifles were pointed at him. He took her hand in his and kissed her forcefully and she felt something wet on her cheek.

“Don’t die, Soojung. Just don’t die,” he said before kissing her forehead and leaving her in the arms of the guards.

She remembered thinking how funny it was that her first kiss would also be her last.

Somehow those words became her reason to win, to fight on in the arena. She did what she had to do to survive. Making alliance was stupid since one was bound to betray the other so she stayed away from the tributes. Her agility and survival skills in the wilds gave her an upper hand. She laid low in the arena and pretty soon it seemed like all the other tributes forgot she existed.

She never did take a life to live on. Somehow the opportunity didn’t come to her (and she was infinitely gracious for that) but it didn’t spare her from having to watch tributes kill each other, some for survival and others because of the sheer thrill.

She was there when the last fight went down and the feeling when the last tribute fell to the ground and his life disintegrating before her eyes were surreal.

Soojung emerged as this year’s victor but she wondered if all she had won for herself, beside the luxury and fame, was the endless nightmares and terror.

And she finally understood why Jongin never came back to her.

~*~

She couldn’t remember how exactly they had come to spending the night in each other’s arms. It seems that Jongin has developed this habit of wandering around at night so he could stop the nightmares from terrorizing him and that was when he heard her screams.

He told her he climbed up to her room and just climbed into bed with her. She would’ve been mad but he helped keep the nightmares away so she didn’t complain.

Soojung would go to sleep with the door to the balcony wide open and Jongin would climb in at night and everything feels like it’s finally getting better.

Jongin never stopped apologizing for how he behaved after the games but she would brush it off saying she understood why he did what he did. Other times, they would reminisce of the past when Jinri and Sehun were still alive and everything was alright and happy. Those times, they would cry in each other’s arms knowing that lost time can’t be recalled.

Their families, however, were too caught up in riches to pay more attention to them but they were caught up in each other so it didn’t matter.

Jongin realized there’s a light shining through the darkness in her presence and Soojung acknowledged the way her world is slowly dazzling again when he’s near.

~*~

“I think this is deep enough,” he said.

Jongin stepped out of the hole he’d been digging for the past hour, the mixture of snow and dirt at the side, and stood beside Soojung with a box in her hands. They stood silently with their hands intertwined, watching the box in hand with morose.

They had spent every time they had to spare, talking about the memories of the games and writing them on pieces of paper. There were stories of the scene that scarred them the most and also times when they felt a sliver of happiness in the arena. There were also stories of the past with Jinri and Sehun and the times their families actually cared about them. When there was nothing more to tell, nothing more to write, they compiled everything in a box and sealed it with tape and sorrow.

Memories of their past were about to be buried.

It was time to move on.

The box was lowered down and they covered the hole in no time. When the deed was done, she flashed a smile at him and he did the same, tears b at the corner of each other’s eyes. It felt as if the heaviness and burden was lifted off of him and he knew she felt the same too.

Soojung and Jongin walked hand in hand, away from the buried box, from the bad memories, and straight ahead to the light at the end of the tunnel.